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Last evening I saw a delightful movie - the newly released Dan in Real Life. Dan Burns (superbly played by Steve Carell) is a widower and the father of three girls, ages 8 to 17. He is also the writer of a "Dear Dan" - type newspaper column in which he dispenses advice on relationships and family life - advice he doesn't always heed himself. I'll forgo discussing the storyline so that you might have the pleasure of seeing it unfold for yourself. But this, I'll share. In this movie, there are some wonderful one-liners, and one that stood out for me was the very last line of the movie: Plan to be surprised.
As a Career/Life Coach, some of my work with clients is around planning. It's often about identifying your ideal life and/or career, then setting goals and designing a plan of action, and finally taking actions that will lead you to your goal(s). This is equivalent to setting a destination in sailing and then plotting a course for how you will get there, depending upon the wind direction, the chart of the waters, the tides and weather, and any other known obstacles or considerations. Or it's like choosing a travel destination for a vacation and then mapping out all the sights you plan to see while there or en route.
But as most boaters or travelers know, "stuff happens". The "best laid plans of mice and men" do go astray sometimes. What happens when Life throws you a curve? When something unexpected comes your way? And I'm not just talking about unpleasant surprises here, but also about pleasant surprises - wonderful surprises - surprises beyond, or different from, your wildest dreams. What then?
Take vacations, for example. Sometimes the best things that happen are the unplanned ones. Another movie comes to mind: Under the Tuscan Sun. If you have seen the movie or read the book, you know that Frances, the heroine, takes a tour of Tuscany, at the urging of her friends, in order to get over a painful divorce. But during a planned tour stop in a small village, Frances sees a flyer about a house for sale. She impulsively checks it out and her whole life changes - in good ways - in ways she couldn't have imagined when she began the tour or even when she bought the house.
I believe in visioning, goal-setting, and planning. I also believe in flexibility and in being open to the new possibilities that are presented to us at unexpected moments in life. In sailing, you must have a destination and must plot a course in order to have a direction and gain some momentum. However, as a sailor, you also know that any number of events could arise to throw you off course, and you need to be prepared for that. Sometimes you end up at a more desirable destination. Sometimes you're shipwrecked. Sometimes you're just stalled in the water for a while until you choose a new course.
So, for me, the approach I choose to take to Life and to coaching is paradoxical. My approach is to dream, to set goals, to plan, to follow your bliss and at the same time to pay attention, to live fully in the moment, and to allow your bliss to take you in unexpected directions. In other words: Plan to be surprised.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Don't Wait. Carpe Diem!
Carpe Diem. Latin for "seize the day".
This is written especially for the procrastinators out there (me included).
Three recent events in my life have converged like a perfect storm to bring home to me the importance living life full out in every moment, hitting all the high spots, and not letting the important stuff slide.
The first event was attending portions of a Buddhist retreat that was held down the street from me in my home town of Rockport, Massachusetts this past August. Though I did not attend the whole retreat, and did not experience this firsthand, I did hear that the teacher, Lama Marut, led participants in a long guided meditation on death. The purpose of doing this meditation, as I understand it, is to face and finally accept the inevitability of one's own death so that one can release the fear and begin to really live - fully and in every moment. One of the things you realize through doing this meditation is that death could come at any moment, ready or not, whether we are young, old, or in between. The purpose of this death meditation is, ultimately, to end suffering and to bring happiness to yourself and to others. [This description is a vast oversimplification, but it will have to do for now.]
The second event was hearing the description of a trip to France, recently undertaken by two friends, John and Jo Leal. They spent most of their three-week trip in the countryside near the village of Turenne, but spent the last two and a half days in Paris. This got me thinking about what happens when we take a trip to an unfamiliar location, especially to a destination hot spot like Paris. What happens when we try to see, do, experience everything in such a short space of time? We have a long list, perhaps, of what we want to see and do - tourist spots, scenic beauty, fine dining, couture clothing, eating croissants in a cafe, practicing our French, immersing ourselves in the culture; the list could go on and on. In a situation like this, most of us go for it full out. We pack it all in. We extract every drop we can from every moment. As my friend Betty would say, we "live juicy".
I put this together with the lesson of the death meditation and thought, why can't we live every day as if we only had two days in Paris? There is something about the way we throw ourselves into life when we are traveling, especially to unfamiliar and exotic foreign destinations, that brings us into the present moment, heightens our awareness and our appreciation of our surroundings, and enables us to let go, experience life fully, and "live juicy".
The third event happened just a week ago. A beloved family member died unexpectedly when he was hit by a van while walking his dog. This event brought it all home. We don't know when or how the end will come. Sometimes, as the TV ad says, life (or death) comes at you fast. As I sat in the service, I thought about Dick and about other people who have exited my life, via death or in other ways, before I had the chance to learn who they really were or to say all the things I would like to have said. I procrastinated. I thought there would be plenty of time. I waited too long.
Today, I decided to do the following things: (1) To make a list of all the people still living with whom I had unfinished business or had not communicated with in a timely way and to contact them as soon as possible. (2) To make a "Life List" - something I often suggest for my coaching clients but had not yet done for myself - a list of all the things, large and small, that I would like to do before I die. And then, to start doing them, with intention and passion.
As to item #1, I have already phoned and talked with two people on my unfinished business list; I still have several to go. It felt good to reach out and take that step.
Today, I began thinking more like a Buddhist. What if today were the last day of my life? What would be the most important thing I could do with my time today? What things would I absolutely not want to leave unfinished? Perhaps it wouldn't matter if my house wasn't clean or my office wasn't organized or I hadn't completed every business task I'd set out for myself or even if all my "papers" were in order. Perhaps what would be most important might be taking an early morning walk and saying hello to the ocean, or expressing the gratitude I feel to be living in such a beautiful spot on this earth, or phoning to wish a friend bon voyage on an upcoming trip, or phoning to express appreciation for the generosity of an ex-husband, or apologizing to a friend whose feelings I had inadvertantly hurt, or telling my son and daughter-in-law and granddaughter (and other dear ones in my life) that I love them with all my heart, or writing something from the heart, like this piece, that might inspire or support another person.
So, here's my bottom line: Live like you only had two days to spend with your beloved in Paris or live like this was your last day on earth, but above all, "live juicy", finish your unfinished business, DO IT (whatever "it" is) NOW, and Carpe Diem!
This is written especially for the procrastinators out there (me included).
Three recent events in my life have converged like a perfect storm to bring home to me the importance living life full out in every moment, hitting all the high spots, and not letting the important stuff slide.
The first event was attending portions of a Buddhist retreat that was held down the street from me in my home town of Rockport, Massachusetts this past August. Though I did not attend the whole retreat, and did not experience this firsthand, I did hear that the teacher, Lama Marut, led participants in a long guided meditation on death. The purpose of doing this meditation, as I understand it, is to face and finally accept the inevitability of one's own death so that one can release the fear and begin to really live - fully and in every moment. One of the things you realize through doing this meditation is that death could come at any moment, ready or not, whether we are young, old, or in between. The purpose of this death meditation is, ultimately, to end suffering and to bring happiness to yourself and to others. [This description is a vast oversimplification, but it will have to do for now.]
The second event was hearing the description of a trip to France, recently undertaken by two friends, John and Jo Leal. They spent most of their three-week trip in the countryside near the village of Turenne, but spent the last two and a half days in Paris. This got me thinking about what happens when we take a trip to an unfamiliar location, especially to a destination hot spot like Paris. What happens when we try to see, do, experience everything in such a short space of time? We have a long list, perhaps, of what we want to see and do - tourist spots, scenic beauty, fine dining, couture clothing, eating croissants in a cafe, practicing our French, immersing ourselves in the culture; the list could go on and on. In a situation like this, most of us go for it full out. We pack it all in. We extract every drop we can from every moment. As my friend Betty would say, we "live juicy".
I put this together with the lesson of the death meditation and thought, why can't we live every day as if we only had two days in Paris? There is something about the way we throw ourselves into life when we are traveling, especially to unfamiliar and exotic foreign destinations, that brings us into the present moment, heightens our awareness and our appreciation of our surroundings, and enables us to let go, experience life fully, and "live juicy".
The third event happened just a week ago. A beloved family member died unexpectedly when he was hit by a van while walking his dog. This event brought it all home. We don't know when or how the end will come. Sometimes, as the TV ad says, life (or death) comes at you fast. As I sat in the service, I thought about Dick and about other people who have exited my life, via death or in other ways, before I had the chance to learn who they really were or to say all the things I would like to have said. I procrastinated. I thought there would be plenty of time. I waited too long.
Today, I decided to do the following things: (1) To make a list of all the people still living with whom I had unfinished business or had not communicated with in a timely way and to contact them as soon as possible. (2) To make a "Life List" - something I often suggest for my coaching clients but had not yet done for myself - a list of all the things, large and small, that I would like to do before I die. And then, to start doing them, with intention and passion.
As to item #1, I have already phoned and talked with two people on my unfinished business list; I still have several to go. It felt good to reach out and take that step.
Today, I began thinking more like a Buddhist. What if today were the last day of my life? What would be the most important thing I could do with my time today? What things would I absolutely not want to leave unfinished? Perhaps it wouldn't matter if my house wasn't clean or my office wasn't organized or I hadn't completed every business task I'd set out for myself or even if all my "papers" were in order. Perhaps what would be most important might be taking an early morning walk and saying hello to the ocean, or expressing the gratitude I feel to be living in such a beautiful spot on this earth, or phoning to wish a friend bon voyage on an upcoming trip, or phoning to express appreciation for the generosity of an ex-husband, or apologizing to a friend whose feelings I had inadvertantly hurt, or telling my son and daughter-in-law and granddaughter (and other dear ones in my life) that I love them with all my heart, or writing something from the heart, like this piece, that might inspire or support another person.
So, here's my bottom line: Live like you only had two days to spend with your beloved in Paris or live like this was your last day on earth, but above all, "live juicy", finish your unfinished business, DO IT (whatever "it" is) NOW, and Carpe Diem!
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