Life Coaching Blog - Designing Your Life

Time to De-Clutter Again!

2011-06-13T13:50:00.003-04:00

Is clutter taking over your life? And I don't just mean material clutter. I also mean email clutter, schedule clutter, emotional clutter, mental clutter, and the like. Does it seem to you that there's always too much to do, and too little time to do it in? Does this put you into a nearly constant state of anxiety and stress?

As a Life Coach, I find this stressful overcrowding of our lives to be a major theme in my sessions with clients. Several years ago, I began to look closely at the idea of decluttering and simplifying our lives in all sorts of ways, so as to create more "breathing room" and more time for the people and activites we value the most. I was studying Buddhism at the time and begin a serious attempt at developing non-attachment as a mental, emotional, physical, and materialistic approach to my life and lifestyle. I decided to begin my practice by vowing to let go of at least one thing in my life every day for a year. I called this my Letting Go Experiment.

[Click on sidebar links titled Letting Go Experiment, Organizing, Planning, and Time Management for relevant articles, including monthly reports on my own Letting Go Experiment.]

It is almost five years to the day that I began my Letting Go Experiment which was supposed to last 365 days but actually lasted sixteen months from June 14, 2006 to the Fall of 2007. In June of 2008, I revisited this process in my article Letting Go Experiment: Two Years Later.

Today, in 2011, I find myself wanting and needing to clear out my life again. I have a great urge to downsize and simplify. This is the season of yard sales, thrift shops, flea markets, and used book sales, and I am getting ready to unload! I am also in the process of shedding an unneeded 22 pounds, as well as some thought patterns and emotions that are not serving me.

So, what about you? Is it time for you to streamline your life? Imagine what good might come of that!

Philosophy of Life

2011-02-22T13:26:00.006-05:00

Recently, a friend asked me these questions:

What is your philosophy of life?
How do you explain the world/your life to yourself?
On what do you base your decisions?

He was looking for an encapsulation that I could not come up with on the spot. But I have been thinking about these questions for several days now, and I think I have come up with some answers.

I have come to the conclusion that there is no one, easy-to-sum-up, philosophy that runs my life. There are many aspects that make up my answers to these questions. But there is a bottom line, as you will discover.

As you read what I came up with, I invite you to think about your own answers to these questions.

Here are some of mine:

Biology is destiny. To me, this means that some aspects of my life are out of my control and are influenced or determined by things like my gender (female), race (caucasian), genetic makeup (my inherited genes), physical characteristics (height, weight, physical attractiveness, physical mobility & agility, health, age, and the like.) Acceptance of these characteristics is crucial to one's happiness.
Time and place also influence our destiny. Being born in the USA in the middle of the 20th century, and living in various US states - especially Florida, New Hampshire, Connecticut, and Massachusetts - have all impacted my life and destiny in various ways.
Our culture(s) influences our life choices. We exist within our culture(s) the way fish swim in water. Within the culture of the USA, there are many sub-cultures. These include nationality of origin, regional cultures, religious traditions, family cultures, workplace cultures, and the like. Often, we are so immersed in our culture and sub-cultures that we are unaware of how they influence us.
We all have free will and our choices are our destiny. There's a qualifier. Choice and free will operate within certain confines. Some of us have more choices than others.
Life is largely based on luck and chance. Sometimes we have good luck, sometimes bad luck. Some of us have more of one than the other. My experience - and hence my belief - is that luck is more often on my side than against it.
Dualities exist and always will. Duality is often the nature of things. A contrast is needed in order for either to exist. Consider whether any one of these things could exist without the other: Day and Night, Light and Dark, Hot and Cold, War and Peace, Heaven and Hell, Good and Evil, Joy and Sadness, Male and Female, Yin and Yang, Intimacy and Freedom, Democrats and Republicans, etc. We need to accept duality as a necessary and inevitable part of human existence.
This is a random universe to which we bring meaning. This quote from Sheldon Kopp's 1976 book, If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him!, has always made sense to me. So many things we have come to believe and act on - perhaps even fight to the death for - are based on mystery or inadequate information. Yet we cling to these ideas as if they were absolute reality - reality that no one can prove.
Every person lives inside of his/her own reality. No two people - not even identical twins - see or experience life in exactly the same way. Ultimately, our brain controls our perceptions and our internal and external experiences of life and the world around us. (And, in a way, this goes back to the idea that "biology is destiny".) Each person's "cognitive style" is unique to him/herself.
Our thoughts create our reality. This is an extension of the point above. Buddha is quoted as saying, "All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” This is where we DO have some free will and choice to guide our destiny. Our thoughts include our beliefs, values, ethics, principles, priorities, purpose, fantasies, imaginations, imagery, goals, wants, and more. Our thoughts, moreover, create our emotions - our feelings and feeling states.
Our beliefs create our reality. Our beliefs are one form of thought. Our belief system runs our life. If our life is going well, then our belief system is working for us. If our life is not going so well, perhaps the place to examine first is our belief system. Changing our disempowering beliefs is not always easy, but it IS possible, and herein lies the place where free will and choice can operate most effectively.
Our temperment heavily influences our life perspective and hence our reality. By this, I mean that whether we are primarily optimistic or pessimistic about life does color our perspective. Do we see the glass as half full or half empty? I am a half-full-to-full-and-overflowing gal. I tend to look for the best in people and situations. I would wear a Life is Good hat or T-shirt.
Our values ultimately determine our choices within the reality we have created for ourselves. Often, we are not totally aware of our Values. Perhaps they have changed over the years. Perhaps our values need to be clearly identified and prioritized. Perhaps this is what Socrates was getting at when he said, "The unexamined life is not worth living."

Here is what I learned recently in re-examining my own life: The top 10 values that most run my life and influence my priorities, choices and decisions are: Love, Relationships (family, friends, intimate other), Connection/Intimacy, Freedom (especially personal freedom), Health, Self-fulfillment, Growth, Learning, Fun, and Joy.

What are yours?

And what does all this have to do with Life Coaching? A Life Coach helps you to examine your unexamined life, to re-evaluate and update your beliefs, values, life purpose, priorities, choices, actions, and goals in order to help you make better choices, to actively create a life, career, or business that is in alignment with who you are, and to create for yourself a high-quality, satisfying, and happy life.

If you are ready to re-examine your life, career, or business, I can help. Visit my Website, Connie Komack/LifeWork Enterprises, and then let's talk. Have a great day!

A New Year, A New Path - The Path of Love

2011-01-06T07:07:00.006-05:00

This is my year of deep change, both personally and professionally.

The path I choose to pursue is the path of Love. This is not a new pursuit for me. It is my oldest and deepest longing to find, keep, give, receive, live and share Love in all its forms - especially in the form of a mate relationship.

I am no longer young. But neither am I past the point of no return. I believe this: We can find love - and love can find us - at any age.

It is my intention [and this is way beyond a "resolution"] to begin a lasting, joyful, right-in-every-way mate relationship this year - 2011. This is my personal path.

It is also my intention to develop experience and expertise in guiding others along this path, through writing, coaching, and speaking on the topic of "Love, Dating, Marriage, and Mating in the Senior Years".

How do I define "Senior Years"? Not sure yet. I am a Senior - chronologically, if not in my psyche - and I am wanting to connect with women and men in my age range. But the path of finding Love is not restricted to an age range. It is a universal longing, from birth to death. So, I would say that though I may be aiming my arrows towards the 55+ crowd, or the 60+ crowd, anyone who resonates with this subject, and is on this journey, is welcome to join the pilgrimage.

Watch for these developments in 2011:
- a blog and a Web site devoted to this topic and including lots of Resources
- a proliferation of articles, both online and in print - and perhaps an eBook
- a coaching and speaking practice devoted to "Love, Dating, Marriage, and Mating in the Senior Years".

Stay tuned.

If you are on this path, or have been recently, and you have questions or issues to resolve, or wisdom and experience to share, please contact me by adding a comment below.

Procrastination: Some Thoughts

2010-11-18T23:26:00.006-05:00

Procrastination! A fascinating topic. What IS procrastination? The online Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of the verb "to procrastinate" is "to put off intentionally the doing of something that should be done."

I have a calendar program called AnyTime. My version is pretty old now, but it serves the purpose. I use the daily display. On the left is the day, laid out in hours. On the right is a To Do List for the day.

Now, I mention all this because almost EVERY day, there are more things on my To Do List than I can, or do, accomplish that day. There are inevitably items that spill over to the next day and some items that I just scratch off the list.

Sometimes I notice that the same item spills over from day to day to day. I neither do it, nor scratch it off the list. It is something I need, or want, to do, yet somehow I never get to it. THIS is procrastination - just staring me in the face, day after day! Do you have items on your To Do List like this?

At first, I thought that there were two types of procrastination: (1) You have a task to do but outside distractions or interruptions prevent you from doing it. (2) You have a task to do but some internal and usually ill-defined resistance leads you to choose to do something else instead. You just simply put off until tomorrow what you could do today. And somehow, "tomorrow" keeps on being "tomorrow" day after day after day.

However, in reviewing the Dictionary definition above I note the word "intentionally". So, there are three factors afoot here, and the first type of procrastination described above - outside interruptions or distractions - turns out to be something other than true procrastination:

(1) External interruptions that cannot be avoided and that reasonably take priority over the task at hand: This is NOT procrastination, though if repeated or perpetual it may be a matter of poor boundary management.

(2) External distractions - also things that need to be done, but could be done at another time, AFTER you have completed the task at hand: These distractions are NOT procrastination, though they could be used to support procrastination. This is a matter of lack of focus and prioritizing, combined with poor time management - sometimes a symptom of ADD or ADHD. [Watch for my upcoming Blog article on "Procrastination: Ten Top Daily Distractions and How to Handle Them".]

(3) Internal distractions that lead you to "blow off" the task at hand and do almost anything else instead: THIS is true Procrastination! And the root of this type of procrastination is RESISTANCE.

The optimal way to handle procrastination in our lives is to OWN our resistance to doing the task and take a good hard look at WHY we are resisting it. And there could be many reasons.

Here are some possibilities:

- The task is too difficult
- The task is too easy; it's boring
- It takes too long
- It's too much work - more than you feel like doing
- It's overwhelming in its magnitude
- It's not interesting or meaningful
- The incentive or reward is not great enough
- I'm just lazy
- Doing the task may result in something unfavorable to me, or to someone else
- It seems like a waste of time
- You have a "gut feeling" that doing this task is not a good idea [and when you do put it off, you often discover that intuition was right]

Once you understand WHY you procrastinate, and you OWN your resistance, then you can stop sabotaging yourself and make a clear choice about how you will handle this going forward. Your resistance loses its power and you are able to solve your dilemma and move on.

P.S. For more insights on Procrastination, visit the Website Procrastination Is Fun.

Blogging Again: Back in the Saddle

2010-11-09T10:17:00.004-05:00

Bless me, someone - it's been 8 months and 17 days since my last Blog post!

And, more than that, it's been twelve months since I published the last issue of my monthly e-newsletter, LifeWork Letter!

Why the long hiatus? Who knows, for sure. I've got some thoughts about this.

I'll tell you what it's NOT: It's not due to illness, nor family emergencies, nor a career change, nor retirement, nor an extensive trip around the world, nor a dislike of writing.

On the contrary, I am very much alive and well, my family is well, and I am still a life/work coach, trainer, speaker, and writer. I am not retired, though I do take more time off than I used to. I haven't done any traveling, except for a brief two-day trip to Maine this summer. And I love writing more than ever. In fact, this month - the month of November - I am once again participating in National Novel Writing Month (www.NaNoWriMo.org).

So, again, why the long hiatus in writing my Blog or Newsletter?

Well, for a while back there, I was heavily involved in developing and facilitating an entrepreneurial training program specifically designed for unemployed workers who wanted to start their own businesses. Writing time slipped away.
Then, as late spring approached, I embarked on a focused weight management and exercise program (self-designed) that resulted in getting much more fit and healthy and losing 15 pounds of last year's "winter weight". This took a lot of time, focus, and energy.
As summer came into full bloom, a special friendship did too, and spending time with him became a welcome distraction. No, more than a distraction, it became a priority. (Still is.)
Then came Fall - a birthday, some business presentations, some PR in two newspaper articles, a sore shoulder from over-exercising, rehearsals for two musical productions, fundraising for a non-profit, and complications in the special friendship - all taking precedence.

But what's the bottom line here? What derails us from our so-called "productive activities"? What causes us to lose our focus and drift?

Here are some thoughts about that, some possible causes:

Distractions
Laziness
Exhaustion
Procrastination
A reorganization of priorities
A lack of Purpose, or a change of Purpose
A need for a break, a change of pace, some R&R
A desire for fun and/or creative endeavors
A time for learning, gathering new ideas and information - some "mulling" time
A period of transformation, similar to being in the chrysalis stage between caterpillar and butterfly

Now, I am filled with thoughts about all these areas, and a desire to share my ideas, and to dialogue with my readers. All these topics and more are now on the table for discussion. In my next blog post, I will address the issue of procrastination.

So, let me hear from you. What takes you off-course in your life? Or, does your course merely change? How does procrastination fit into your picture?

Leading From the Heart: Non-Violent Communication

2010-02-23T13:03:00.005-05:00

When communication between two people (or two parties or two nations) goes astray, it is often because one or both parties are coming from a defensive posture rather than from a compassionate one. When one is coming from a place of trying to defend or protect his/her thoughts, opinions, feelings, turf, self-image, vulnerability, freedom, etc. , he/she is leading with the head rather than the heart. The intention is to control or dominate the conversation in order to protect oneself from harm - a "harm" much more often imagined then real. And from this place, true, honest, productive, connecting communication cannot take place.

A much more productive and truly connecting style of communication comes from a willingness to be open - open-minded and open-hearted - and to come from a place of curiosity and inquiry and a sense of respect and compassion for the other party. In this way, we can generate a sense of safety and trust in our communication with others, which in turn, leads to true understanding and much better outcomes. This style we might describe as leading from the heart, more than from the head.

Many of you may already be familiar with the communication style known as Non-Violent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg and originally published in the book Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Compassion (Marshall B. Rosenberg, Puddledancer Press, 2003).

In this style of communication, one strives to communicate openly and compassionately with another, listening carefully to the other, being clear about one's own needs, feelings, and wishes, and communicating them in a non-blaming, non-demanding way. In the most simplistic explanation of this communication process, in which you are either the giver or the receiver of the communication, there are four steps:

1. What I (or you) observe that does or does not contribute to my/your well-being.

2. What I (or you) am (are) feeling in relation to what I/you observe.

3. What I (or you) need or value that causes my/your feelings.

4. What concrete action(s) I (or you) would like taken that would enrich my/your life (expressed as a request, without demanding).

For a deeper explanation of this process, you can download the article "How You Can Use the NVC Process" authored by Marshall B. Rosenberg.

Learning to communicate with others in this way allows us to come from love rather than fear and to generate feelings of safety and trust in the other party rather than defensiveness and distrust.

What a world this would be if we could all master NVC!

Nano Dancing: Have Nano, Will Dance!

2010-02-09T15:04:00.004-05:00

I love dancing! I love all kinds of dancing - ballroom, latin, swing, rock, circle, square, line, zumba - you name it. Moving to music, especially with a partner - what can beat that for exercise, stress reduction, fun, and pure pleasure?

Now, I've discovered Nano Dancing, and I want to share this with the world!

What is Nano Dancing? And how do you do it?

Nano Dancing is just dancing to music that you listen to through an iPOD Nano (with ear buds).

If you love to dance, and you have a Nano (a miniature version of the iPOD, designed to be compatible with iTunes - and no, I'm not an Apple rep - in fact, I don't yet own a Nano, but I'm working on it), you're on your way to being in business. You can, of course, dance all by yourself; but like any dancing, it's more fun with a partner and/or a group.

Lately, I have been doing Nano Social Dancing with my friend, Bob - often in one of our kitchens, or at the local Y. What fun! And the Nano Dancing is his concept, his "baby". Later on, I'll tell you more about his Nano Dancing project.

Now, why would you choose to dance to music via a Nano instead of say, listening to music played on a radio or CD player or by a DJ or a live band?

Well, here are a few possible reasons:

1. You can dance to music anywhere, at any time - [What about the beach or a park in summer? A dance floor at a bar on a night when no dance music is provided? Your kitchen or living room or ...?]

2. You don't have to have a DJ or a live band or cumbersome playback equipment in order to dance - alone, with a partner, or in a group. [If you have a partner or especially a group, you probably do need a couple of other small and very portable pieces of equipment.]

3. The sound quality is superb - you can actually hear the beat - much better than the echoey, distorted, way-too-loud sound you often find at a dance venue. [Ideal for people with hearing issues, too.]

4. If you are dancing with a partner and/or with a group, you can synchronize your Nanos so that each person is hearing the same music at the same time.

5. You can adjust the volume to suit your own individual taste.

6. You set up your own playlist. You can dance to exactly the songs or types of dance music you prefer.

7. You can play your dance music as loud as you want, as late at night as you want, and you won't disturb your neighbors.

8. No radio commercials or dance intermissions. You choose when you want to start and stop dancing. You can repeat your favorites as often as you like.

Other reasons? Well, I guess there are people who just love to play with gadgets. [That's not me, particularly, but all the other reasons work for me.]

So, if this kind of dancing appeals to you, and if you happen to live in the Boston area - especially on the North Shore or on Cape Ann - you can learn more about Nano Dancing, and better yet experience it, by joining Bob's Meetup Group, Boston and Northshore Nano Dancers, http://www.meetup.com/Nano-Dancers/.

Talk about Happy Feet! Enjoy!

Learning From Adversity - The Holidays

2009-12-28T07:26:00.006-05:00

This year - 2009 - has been a tough year for many people. We all know that the worldwide economic recession has taken a toll on our lives in many ways. Some have lost jobs or businesses. Some have lost homes. Some have been mired in debt. Some have declared bankruptcy. Some have lost some or all of their retirement income. Some have lost opportunities to attend college or university. Many, or most, have had to tighten their financial belts in many ways, giving up luxuries, or some discretionary spending, or perhaps even some necessities like food, shelter, medications or medical treatment. Some marriages or other relationships have been strained to the breaking point. Stress has become a fact of life in many lives, and if not handled well, it has taken a toll on one's health and well-being.

There is a story that circulates in the speaking profession (and I apologize that I cannot remember exactly how it goes or the person to credit for this story) about a boy who had been begging his parents for a long time to buy him a pony, which he wanted more than anything else in the world. The parents repeatedly refused. (They could not afford one.) At the same time, they were constantly pressuring him to clean up his messy room, strewn with so many toys, clothes, and mouldy leftover food snacks that they were constantly repelled and frustrated. But the boy, too, resisted. So, one day, they took drastic measures and filled his room with horse manure, certain that this would force him to clean up his room. When he opened the door to his room, he immediately saw (and smelled) the mess. But instead of being repelled, as his parents expected, his face lit up with a smile, and he said with great excitement, "with all this manure on the floor, there must be a pony in here somewhere!"

This is what I hope we all come to somehow. That we come to understand that underneath all the challenges of this economic mess, there are gifts - valuable gifts, precious gifts - gifts that could change, for the better, the quality of our lives, now and in the future. And that optimism serves us better than pessimism. In the midst of all these challenges, we need to look for the pony. It IS around here somewhere!

For example, we have just come through the Christmas or Hannukah season - the holiday season that puts the biggest strain on our pocketbooks of any other time of year. It is the ultimate "material girl" (or "material boy") time of year. We are lured into spending money a dozen ways to Sunday: gifts, cards, wrappings, decorations, food, drink, new clothes, extra grooming and pampering, parties, travel, entertainments, feasts and festivals.

I have noticed, and I'm sure you have too, that people have scaled back this year. Fewer cards have been sent, and many traditional cards have been replaced by electronic greeting cards and holiday letters. There are fewer lights out there, and therefore less electricity has been used in this rather wasteful way. Fewer people are traveling, preferring to stay home in their smaller family groupings. Gifts, if given at all, have been scaled back - fewer and less expensive. Last year's holiday clothes are being worn again this year. Parties are simplified and perhaps more are of the potluck variety.

While I recognize that cutting back on consumerism could contribute to the downward economic spiral, I also recognize that we, in the USA, have evolved into such a materialistic culture that we have lost our way in many other ways. What we are learning here, in this tough economy, are some important lessons about principles and values.

What lesons have you learned this year?

Here are some things I have learned about these holiday times:

Our values are coming into sharper focus. We are setting priorities, honoring those, and stripping away some or most of the less important things.
Family and friends are more precious than anything. They are the true gift of this season (or of any time of year).
And love is the most precious gift of all.
The holiday season is filled with non-material pleasures, like singing holiday songs and listening to holiday music, walking in the snow and building snowmen, making a point of visiting with neighbors, friends, and family, being immersed in the spiritual meanings and lessons of the holiday season.
It is good to shake up traditions - to let go of some things and make room for new ideas, customs, and experiences to enter one's life.
Simple food shared with friends and loved ones is every bit as delicious and satisfying as sharing fancy gourmet food.
Last year's (or the past many year's) decorations are enough and just fine.
That one small gift, chosen thoughtfully and specifically for the recipient, and given with love and caring, is worth more, much more, than a pile of gifts hastily selected under duress and pressure.
Cards and letters, if sent at all, can be sent at one's leisure, instead of being rushed and hurried. Perhaps they'll even arrive in January after all the hubbub is over and the recipient can truly savor them. And if received, they can be savored for the gifts they are and for the opportunity to connect and catch up with people's lives.
That giving is pure pleasure, whether or not anything is received in return.
That in eating and drinking less this year, our figures are in better shape. [I know mine is.]
That in giving up many of the material and time-consuming demands of the holidays, our stress levels are down. We can actually relax and enjoy the holidays. Imagine that!

And most of all, I have learned that Christmas dreams - if they come from the heart - really can come true. Mine have, and I hope yours have too.

Belief Systems and Our Health

2009-10-13T07:51:00.004-04:00

Our belief systems need to be challenged constantly. Much of the current "virtual reality" that we assume to be "real" or "true" is just pure fantasy. "Don't believe everything you hear or see" is never truer than in the world of advertising.

Today, I came across this article in the Franson Chiropractic Blog: That's Nuts!

The gist of this informative and entertaining article by Dr. Stephen Franson, which is a "must read", is that at a certain national donut chain there currently is displayed a picture of a donut under which are written the words "Warning Health Alert: Doughnut Contains Almonds."

For those of you who haven't already fallen on the floor laughing, Franson points out that the ONLY healthy ingredient in that donut IS the almonds. Yes, he says, some people do have nut allergies. But many, many, many more people are allergic to all the other ingredients in that donut - sugar, white flour, trans fats, etc. [We break out in fat! - my contribution to his article.]

Where was the health expert when this advertising campaign was conceived?

Waiting

2009-10-06T16:20:00.046-04:00

Lately, I've been thinking about the concept of "waiting". Waiting is one of the built-in aspects of being in a period of transition. We all go through transition periods at different times in our lives. Many of us are in transition right now.

What are we waiting for? Could be almost anything. Waiting for good news, waiting for bad news. Waiting for the economy to get better, for the stock market to go up, for the unemployment rate to go down, for the axe to fall on a job, for the outcome of a job interview, for school to start or end, for the next exam, for the results of a lab test, for the next date, for a proposal, for a special event or the next holiday, for a sale to go through, for a mortgage approval, for a baby to be born, for that check to arrive in the mail, for the weather to change, for your life to change in some wonderful way, small or large. Perhaps we are waiting for life to begin (literally or figuratively) or waiting for it to end. Waiting for nothing. Waiting for Godot.

Robert Grudin (author of Time and the Art of Living) is quoted as saying: In the landscape of time, there are few locations less comfortable than that of one who waits for some person or event to arrive at some unknown moment in the future.

Yes, waiting is often uncomfortable. Sometimes waiting creates happy, excited feelings, perhaps a sense of delicious anticipation. More often, it leads to more uncomfortable emotions: nervousness, anxiety, fear, sadness, impatience, frustration, or boredom. Yet it is these very feelings that eventually move us through a waiting period and into action.

I think of waiting as comparable to the chrysalis stage of the butterfly life cycle, the butterfly being a creature who has left the land of the known (the caterpillar stage) and is quietly going through a period of intense change and transformation (pupation) - a period in which the creature is quite fluid and formless and the end result is as yet unknown. What will emerge, we all know, will be a butterfly or moth. But the creature does not know this, and all it can do is wait.

Is waiting a passive event? No, not usually. Though change during a waiting period is often internal and not always obvious to the casual observer, it IS happening and often at an accelerated rate. Think of the cocoon of a butterfly again. When viewed from the outside, no change is apparent. But if you could see through to the inside, you would see that huge transformational changes are taking place. It is often that way for humans too.

Anna Nagle writes: But the most important thing about learning to wait, I feel sure, is to know what you are waiting for.

Ah, this can be a sticky point, yes? Sometimes we do know exactly what we are waiting for: the next bus, train or plane, the doctor's appointment, our favorite TV show to come on, the baby to arrive. But other times, things are not so clear and we are not so sure. Perhaps we are waiting for our life to get better, but we don't know what that means. Or we're waiting for a better job opportunity, though we haven't figured out what we really want to do with our work lives. Or maybe we're waiting for Prince (or Princess) Charming to come riding up and sweep us off our feet, though we have no idea who we would want that person to be or what "happily ever after" might look like, if, in fact, it exists at all and we were lucky enough to live it.

Nagle has a point. A productive way to move through this waiting time is to get as clear as we can about what it is we are waiting for. We may not get exactly what we are wanting, but we will have a better shot at it. And sometimes, the thing we think we want is not really what we want, and what we ultimately get is often better than anything we could have imagined.

So, how might we use this waiting period to get clearer? We might be in the waiting room of a doctor's office and read a magazine article that speaks eloquently to some change we are making. We might be between jobs and take that opportunity to re-assess our values, priorities, skills, and interests and then choose a new career path. We might be approaching a life stage transition - perhaps graduation or empty nest or the approach of retirement - and use that time to research options and perhaps re-invent ourselves and create a new lifestyle or career direction.

Another opportunity within a waiting period is to take the time not only for inner reflection and change but also for cleaning up the external unfinished business in your life - the clutter, the undone projects, the completion of unresolved relationships, the overdue items on your mental or actual To Do lists.

And yet another way to move through the waiting period is to do things that prepare you for whatever it is that is there for you at the end of the waiting period. The Wayside Pulpit at a local church currently displays this quote: When those who fish cannot go to sea, they mend nets. [Book of Runes, adapted].

So, mend your nets - get the room ready for your expected baby, learn new computer skills for the job you're hoping to get, buy a new outfit for the next eHarmony date, practice your songs while you wait for the recital date, read up on your field, take off that extra weight, eat nutritious food, get more exercise, sleep well, write in your journal, meditate.

The waiting periods of our life are inevitable and necessary. They are periods of rest, renewal, regrouping, time-outs, introspection, completion, creativity, re-invention, and transformation. They are not wasted times. On the contrary, they are often times that provide great growth - sometimes quantum transformational leaps. (Remember the butterfly!)

One day, the waiting will be over - this time around, anyway. What will be the outcome? Will it be what we expected or not? Will it be what we wanted and hoped for, or what we dreaded and feared? Will it be an ending or a beginning? Or both? We cannot know until the time comes. Nothing serves us better during these waiting times than patience, trust and a positive outlook - an inner confidence or "knowing" that all will hapen at the right time and will turn out for the best.

One thing seems certain: there are two things that will tip the scales in favor of getting what we are waiting and hoping for: gratitude and receptivity - gratitude for what we have learned or gained during the waiting period as well as for whatever it is that comes to us, and the openness of heart, mind, and spirit that invites the best possible outcomes.

Sarah Ben Breathnach writes, Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.

Whatever you are waiting for, may it bless your life and bring you peace.

Loss, Gratitude, and Moving On

2009-08-30T15:22:00.007-04:00

I have been writing a lot about change, loss, and transitions lately. And this is no coincidence. And it is not just because I am a Life/Career Coach specializing in working with people in transition. It is also, and primarily, because the past year or so has been a time of deep and intense change, not only for me personally, but also for many, many people - in my family, in my circle of friends, in the lives of my clients and colleagues, and for the people living in this town, this state, this country, and all around the world.

Last week, the following quote came across my desk:

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

-Little Orphan Annie

This was the theme quote that Life Coach Cheryl Richardson cited in her Week 35 Newsletter, published August 24th. The theme of her newsletter is "Saying Goodbye: Learning to Let Go." It is well worth reading.

This quote instantly brought home to me the connection between loss and gratitude. When we let go of something or someone in our life (willingly or not), the depth of the loss or grief we experience is directly related to the depth of the positive connection we had with it. And in that connection, there were many gifts - benefits, joys, lessons, memories, pleasures - associated with it.

When we lose something that we have treasured, we go through many stages of grief. I have written about the grieving process in a previous Blog article, Emotional Transitions: Loss and Grief, published in 2008. The final stage in the grieving process is Acceptance. And one of the things that helps us into and through Acceptance, and beyond, is Gratitude. Because the truth is that the deeper the felt loss, the more gifts or blessings have come to us from that which was lost, and therefore the more we have to be grateful for.

The true healing after a loss comes when we can look beyond the sorrow or inconvenience of our loss and appreciate what we had.

Let's look at some examples:

This week, in the City of Gloucester, Massachusetts, where I now live, we have been dealing with a problem of water contamination. We have had to boil our water for over a week now, in order to make it safe for drinking, cooking, and washing dishes. What is the gift in this? Many of us have come to appreciate something we have long taken for granted: clean, safe drinking water and the people who work to keep it that way.

Also this week, in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, we have lost our senior Senator, Edward M. Kennedy, to his battle with brain cancer. This man, this "Lion of the Senate", has served his state and country in this capacity for 47 years. Regardless of one's party affiliation and political views, one cannot help but appreciate the tireless efforts of this man who sought to make life better for everyone living in this state and in our country. His loss is already deeply felt by those whose lives he touched directly. And, I suspect, his loss will also be felt, going forward, by many many others. A large and very public funeral, such as the one for Senator Kennedy, also provides many opportunities for the expression of gratitude - remembrances and acknowledgments of all that he gave to his family, friends, constituents and colleagues over a lifetime of service.

On a more personal level, I have written about my own life transitions in the past few months - the death of my ex-husband and oldest high school friend, the move from a town that I have lived in and loved for 25 years, the possible loss of a friendship that has been very special to me.

What helps me to deal with these losses is to become very conscious of the gifts I have received from knowing these people and this place. I think about what I have learned from each and about how each has enriched my life. I think about how lucky I am to have had these people and this place in my life. How much joy and pleasure and growth and learning has come my way because of them. How different my life would have been without them and what I would have missed. It reminds me of the old saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

This morning, the minister of our church talked about "The Grateful Disposition" or how cultivating or having an attitude of gratitude sets us up to be happier, more giving and generous people. She also talked about how noticing what we are grateful for tends to bring more of the same into our lives. Basically, though she did not use these words, she was describing the "Law of Attraction". What we think about is what we get. As we think about the the things we are grateful for, we draw more of those things into our lives.

So, for example, as I think about all that I love and appreciate about Rockport (the town I moved from) - beauty, nature, ocean, friends, community, the arts, spiritual connection, and more - I continue to draw those things into my life.

Each time we experience a loss - especially one that moves us deeply - we can understand, as Little Orphan Annie did in the opening quote, that if we are deeply feeling the loss of someone or something it is because we had a special connection with, or relationship to, it. If it was hard to lose, it must have been very good or special when we had it. And in the recognizing of this - in the counting of our blessings - comes the healing and the gifts that can never be taken from us. And with this, we can move on.

Moving Through Transitions

2009-07-24T16:28:00.011-04:00

In my life/work coaching practice, I work extensively with people in transition - life transitions, career transitions, and business transitions. The change points in our lives - whether personal or professional - are the times that offer the biggest possibilities for transformational growth. During these times, we are called upon to dig deep within ourselves to resolve old issues and prepare ourselves for new challenges and opportunities. This is where the "juice" is!

It is as if the LEGOs of our lives, which had been put together in a structure of a certain type, have now been taken apart and lie scattered on the floor, waiting for us to put them together again. We have choices. We can rebuild our lives exactly as they were before. [This rarely happens.] Or, we can reconstruct or reinvent our lives in new ways.

In that in-between space, when we sit on the floor staring at the scattered pieces, no longer formed in the old way and not yet formed in the new way, we encounter a mixed bag of emotions and experiences - chaos, uncertainty, the unknown, fear, loss, sadness, ennui, possibility, opportunity, creativity, imagination, excitement.

What happens when a "Transitions Coach" encounters her own life/work transitions? I can tell you some things about that. About two and a half months ago, I came upon a day which became a "perfect storm" of transitions - a "hat trick" of change. In other words, in one day in May - May 12th to be exact - big changes happened in three key areas of my life: I went through a personal bankruptcy hearing. I learned that I would have to move from my much-enjoyed apartment in Rockport due to a condo conversion, and I was given a month to do it. And a friendship with someone who was very dear to me came to an end. [Each of these events was independent of each other.] Many of the LEGO pieces of my life came apart and lay scattered before me, though fragments remained - my family, my health, and my business were still more or less intact.

What happened during that time? Well, grief, for one thing. All the stages of grief that Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross described in her epic book, On Death and Dying, came at me thick and fast - shock, denial, bargaining, fear, anger, depression, sadness, and, finally, acceptance. Is all of this behind me now? No, some sadness still remains. Maybe still a touch of anger now and then. But mostly, there is acceptance.

One professional and personal gift for me in this group of transitions is the gift of empathy. I have recently "been there" and now I have increased my capacity for empathy and compassion for my clients, friends, and family. I know at an experiential level what they are going through. I know the two sides of the transition coin; they are called Fear and Excitement. Or, they could be called Loss and Possibility.

I am still in the midst of a passage between two shores. I have left the familiar shores of home and friendship and have barely touched the shore of home on the other side, let alone new relationships and new opportunities. I have much yet to discover. I have reached the "New World" and it is full of possibility and opportunity. What awaits me here I do not know, but I am open to discovering it.

Another gift of this "perfect storm" was the much-needed forced opportunity to clear my life of both physical and emotional clutter. There is a lot of benefit to be derived from discarding "stuff" that no longer serves us. [I have written about this before in my series on the Letting-Go Experiments.]. And in these past two months or so, I have let go of lots and lots of excess stuff in my life - clothes, magazines, books, household items, tax records from the 90's, and office papers - lots and lots of papers. This "stuff" was choking my life - and my business (which has been improving since the move).

And on the emotional front, these losses also helped me to revisit and heal older losses and older grief triggered by these new events. I had the opportunity to clean both my physical house and my emotional house. And I got to thinking that perhaps most or many of us need to move - or make other significant changes in at least one area of our lives - every few years, in order to clear out the clutter – the "stuff" that no longer serves us.

Another metaphor I frequently use for this transition time and space is the metamorphosis of a caterpillar into a butterfly. It is in the in-between place - in the chrysalis, in the pupating phase - where transformational change takes place. In this phase, the major work is happening inside the cocoon, where no one looking on from the outside can see it. But one day the transformation is complete - the butterfly emerges from its cocoon, gets its feet under it, flaps its wings, and flies. And things are never again what they were. There is no turning back. It happens to caterpillars and it can happen to humans too.

So, what do we do, then, in this "New World" - the world of butterflies?

We keep our eyes open. We remain curious and receptive. We take it a day at a time. We live in the now. We say "thank you" for landing on our feet. We approach each day with appreciation, gratitude, and wonder. We are hopeful. We expand our horizons. We anticipate wonderful surprises.

And we play with the LEGOs of our life. We use our creativity, our imagination, our thoughtful minds to rebuild our lives, to reinvent ourselves once again.

We ask ourselves this question, first posed by Mary Oliver in her poem, "The Summer Day": Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

I plan to be open to Life's surprises, to want what I have, whatever that is, and to be happy.

What will Your answer be?

Fear and Its Many Faces

2009-04-30T18:31:00.004-04:00

What IS Fear?

We all know that fear is an emotion - one of the most basic and primal of emotions. And we know that this emotion comes as a response to a stimulus of some kind and creates a group of physiological responses in our body that stimulates a series of physical responses to occur. Now, let us take a deeper look.

Here is how Wikipedia defines/describes fear:

"Fear is an emotional response to threats and danger. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of pain.... Fear should be distinguished from the related emotional state of anxiety, which typically occurs without any external threat.... People develop specific fears as a result of learning.... Although fear is learned, the capacity to fear is part of human nature."

And from How Stuff Works:

"Fear is a chain reaction in the brain that starts with a stressful stimulus and ends with the release of chemicals that cause a racing heart, fast breathing and energized muscles, among other things, also known as the fight-or-flight response. The stimulus could be a spider, a knife at your throat, an auditorium full of people waiting for you to speak, or the sudden thud of your front door against the door frame."

Fear Specialist, Motivational Speaker, and Trainer Brian Germain refines this further:

"In its most fundamental essence, fear is a defense mechanism. It is a set of preconditioned psychological and physiological responses, intended to help us survive dangerous circumstances. From increased heart rate to an empowering of muscle responses, we are transformed into a turbo-charged version of ourselves that is desperately trying to stay alive….When the big alarm goes off in our heads, we are left with three general categories of response: Fight, Flight, or Freeze."

Fear comes in many forms from mild discomfort to the most severe of phobias. And fear has many faces and many names: alarm, apprehension, agitation, anxiety, aversion, cold feet, discomfort, disquietude, dread, foreboding, fright, horror, misgiving, nightmare, panic, phobia, presentiment, qualm, scare, suspicion, timidity, terror, trepidation, uneasiness, worry - to name only a few.

Nature gave humans this emotion of fear, and the physiological responses we have to it, to help alert us to, and successfully handle, life-threatening situations. Fear is intended to protect us from extreme pain, severe injury, and death. And in this, fear is a gift. It helps us to detect and deal with physically painful or life-threatening events. It helps us to survive as individuals and as a species.

Nature also gave humans something that other animals do not have - the ability to remember past events, and to imagine and anticipate future events. This gift has proved to be a mixed blessing. It has enabled us not only to detect real threats to our safety, but also to create false threats.

The acronym FEAR has been known to stand for...

F - False
E - Experiences (or Expectations)
A - Appearing
R - Real

But what is False and what is Real? Let's take the example of the fear of snakes. People have learned over centuries of conditioning that some species of snakes (but not most) have a venomous bite that can result in pain, paralysis, or even death. So, when is a fear of snakes healthy and useful and when is it not?

Let's say that you are walking down a trail and you suddenly come face to face with a rattlesnake coiled, ready to strike, and within striking distance. Is your fear response rational and real? You bet! But let's say that you encounter this same coiled rattlesnake ready to strike, but it is on the other side of a glass partition in a zoo. Is a fear response in this situation rational and real or irrational and false? Well, clearly, the snake in this situation cannot harm you. So, the fear is irrational. It is our mind that has created this false fear because it has juxtaposed an imagined outcome over the real one. It has, in fact, created a False Expectation Appearing Real.

So, we know that Fear is a defense mechanism that protects us from imminent danger. The question is, how do we distinguish real danger from false danger?

The term "clear and present danger" tells us a lot. Danger is something we encounter in the moment it occurs. It lives in the present, not in the past or the future. If we are mugged in an alley and someone holds a gun to our head while stealing our wallet, that is a clear and present danger, in the Now. That is real. If we walk down that same alley a few months later, shaking with fear though no mugger appears, that is a false danger, because nothing dangerous is occurring in the Now. That fear is generated by our minds imposing an image or experience from the past over a present experience and creating an imaginary future. It is not real.

The problem with responding to false dangers as if they are real is this: the physiological responses generated by fear, in all its many forms, can create real wear and tear on our bodies. It creates stress, which in turn affects the health of our various organs and of our immune system. Not every unknown or undesirable situation we face warrants this physiological fear response.

Another problem with triggering a fear response to false dangers is more emotional and psychological. Fear boxes us in. It traps us in an over-protected life where safety becomes more important than joy or love or living a life that maximizes our full potential.

Let's extrapolate this information into our current situation. Take the economy, for example. Clearly, things are not going as well as they could. Some people are losing jobs, or houses, or cars, or other material things. But is everyone? No. Is this the same thing as losing one's life or a limb? No. It's a temporary downturn that will require many of us to downsize, make do with less, make compromises, and, on the upside, become more adaptable, creative, and flexible. Much of the current recession has actually been caused by the media, generating in most people a false fear based on layering the past (the depression of the 1930's) over the current situation and generating an imaginary future that is not real, though the panic caused by that imaginary future has made the situation much worse than it otherwise might be.

How about the swine flu? As of today, the state of Massachusetts has identified two confirmed cases. And both of these young boys are recovering just fine. Does this warrant the closing of schools, public transportation, and public gatherings of all sorts? Does it warrant admonitions to people to refrain from touching each other? As of this writing, there have been 176 deaths from swine flu in Mexico and one in the United States (a 22-month-old Mexican infant in Texas who was in poor health to begin with). Did you know that in the USA in 2008, 36,000 people died from the regular flu (according to the Los Angeles Times). There was no "state of fear" engendered by this regular seasonal flu. Up against this statistic, is the spreading fear and panic generated by the swine flu outbreak really justified, or is it yet another example of False Expectations Appearing Real?

And how about all the lesser fears that stunt our growth and opportunities. What about people who never have fulfilling relationships because of "false fears" such as the fear of commitment, rejection or intimacy? What about people who never go for the job or business they want because of fear of inadequacy or failure? What about all the artists, writers, and other creative types who never allow their work to be seen by others because of the fear of criticism or rejection? Are any of these fears "clear and present dangers" to life or limb? No. Yet, look at how they rule our lives.

It is time to make fear our friend - to distinguish between genuine danger and imagined danger, to value and respect the rational fear that protects life and limb and let go of the irrational fears that hold us back and unnecessarily limit us from being the joyful, loving, successful, fully expressed people we were meant to be.

As Don Miguel Ruiz has noted: "Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive -- the risk to be alive and express who we really are."

On Fear - Some Resources

2009-04-22T15:18:00.008-04:00

I am researching the subject of Fear for my April e-newsletter, to be published in the next few days. Already I have found some very interesting Web sites and articles on the subject, and here are a few of my picks:

1. Fear - from Wikipedia

2. How Fear Works by Julia Layton. Published on How Stuff Works.

3. 5 Life-Changing Keys to Overcoming Your Fear by Henrik Edberg, first published in Wealth & Money, February 22, 2007. Re-published on the Positivity Blog.

4. Dealing With Fear (a Buddhist perspective) - from www.dealingwithfear.org.

5. Transcending Fear - Web site of Fear Specialist and Keynote Speaker, Brian Germain

Some of my questions: What IS Fear, really? When is it useful and when is it not? How do we distinguish between the two? And how do we deal with Fear when it is not useful so that we can live a happy and fully actualized life?

If you have thoughts or comments about this topic, please share them.

Job Search Series: A Job Search is Entrepreneurial

2009-04-12T07:24:00.003-04:00

If you are, or ever have been, self-employed, you will instantly recognize the truth in this statement: A job search is entrepreneurial.

If you are not, and never have been, self-employed and you are currently involved in a job search - or expect be be soon - then this is your opportunity to experience the world of the self-employed and see how it fits for you.

How is the job search comparable to entrepreneurship? Here are the top three ways:

1. Visualization. An entrepreneur is a Visionary. He/she must pull together a long-term vision and plan in order to define what is wanted and how it will be achieved. A job seeker must do the same. The first step in a job search is to decide what type of job you are seeking - to identify a field, or fields, of interest, experience, or expertise; to determine the geographical area for the search; and identify the company - or type of company - you wish to work for.

2. Organization. An entrepreneur organizes and manages his/her time and tasks. A job seeker must do the same. There is no boss structuring the hours for the job seeker. You are the boss. And a rule of thumb is that you need to put in as many hours finding a job as you would in working that job. Job-hunting is really a 40+ hour/week job. You need to structure your work, put your schedule into a calendar or day-timer. Block out time for these various tasks: research, resume writing, informational interviewing (part of the research process, networking, applying, and job interviewing. Keep the same hours for job-hunting as you kept in your job (unless you've been working nights or weekends. You really need the traditional workweek hours for the job search.).

3. Multi-tasking. An entrepreneur wears many hats in his/her business, especially in the start-up phase. Self-employed workers, especially solo entrepreneurs, do everything in their businesses, though they may hire consultants with particular expertise from time to time. Job seekers, too, do it all, though they might sub-contract expert help from others, such as job coaches, recruiters, resume writers, placement agencies, and the like. A job-seeker is involved in administrative tasks, research, marketing and promotion, selling, bookkeeping, financial management, and other related tasks.

What does a job search require of a job-seeker? The same skills and qualities required of an entrepreneur: discipline, focus, vision, clarity, organization, project management, time management, productivity, multi-tasking.

A job search can become much more efficient, productive, and satisfying when you view yourself as a self-employed solo entrepreneur and view your business as marketing yourself and landing a job!

Good luck!!!

Job Search Series: Resumes - Part Two

2009-03-27T17:29:00.004-04:00

In today's tight job market, resumes are more important than ever. Here are six TIPS to help you prepare the most effective resume possible.

A caveat: There are some specialized resumes for which some of these tips might not be appropriate, such as an academic resume (c.v.) or an executive resume.

1. Begin by preparing a Master Resume which lists ALL your skills and talents, all the jobs you've ever held, all of your academic credentials, professional affiliations, volunteer experience, travel, languages spoken, relevant hobbies, etc. However, this resume will probably run at least 2-3 pages and should NOT be posted or used in application for a job. It is your starting point, not your finished product.

2. Customize, customize, customize! The days of the one-size-fits-all resume are over! Match your resume to the specific job you are applying for. An easy way to do this is to make a copy of your Master Resume and then remove everything that does not apply to this job.

3. Keep your resume to one page. If you must spill over to two pages, make the resume double-sided. But understand this: the most important information must be in the top half of the first page. If you haven't caught the reader's attention by then, your resume will probably be tossed.

4. As was mentioned in Part One of the series on Resumes, the language used on your resume needs to match the language used in the job posting (to the extent that you can while being truthful). Many resumes are now scanned by a machine that is programmed to look for certain keywords. This is especially true of resumes going to recruiters, agencies, and large companies. If too many of those keywords are missing, the resume will be sorted into the "No" pile. Even human resume readers scan quickly in that way. If a resume doesn't catch the attention of a human reader in the first 5 seconds, it will probably be set aside or tossed immediately.

5. Begin your resume with an Ojective. The Objective should be specific to the job you are applaying for. For example, if you were applying for an Office Manager position that you found on CraigsList, your Objective would read as follows:

OBJECTIVE: Office Manager, CraigList posting # 1354276.

6: After the Objective, put a Summary. Here, in no more than 3-5 lines, you will list the skills and experience that you have that match the job description you are applying for. Be sure to use the same words and phrases used in the ad or job posting. [Caveat: Match what you can, but never lie!]

The information contained in the Objective and the Summary need to be specific to the job you are applying for. This section of the resume is the most important and it acts as a gatekeeper for the rest. The Yes-No-Maybe decision is made using the information in the top half of the first page of your resume. [Again, avoid having a second page, if possible. The information there will not be given much importance anyway, and may not even be read.]

Next subject: What is the difference between a functional and a chronological resume? Look for this topic in Part Three of this series on Resumes - coming soon.

Job Search Series: Resumes - Part One

2009-03-09T07:57:00.005-04:00

What IS the purpose of a resume?

Is it to get you a job? No.
Is it to give a potential employer a complete picture of everything you've done or could do? No.
Is it to impress the reader with your creativity, your fancy format, or your multiple and diverse talents? No.

The purpose of a resume is to get you an interview. And you've got about 30 seconds tops to hook the reader enough to consider inviting you in for an interview.

And what will get you the interview? A match between what they are looking for and what you have to offer.

And guess what: the reader of your resume may not even be a live human being!

If you are applying to a large company or to a recruiter or to an agency, your reader might be an electronic scanner. And what that scanner is looking for is certain key words that it has been programmed to look for. If it finds enough of the key words, your resume goes into the "maybe" pile. If it doesn't, your resume may go into the circular file.

And even if your resume is being scanned - or read carefully - by a human scanner, it has to contain enough of those key words in order to get into the "maybe" category.

And what are those magic key words? Read on. [If you think I'm going to provide a list here, you will be disappointed.]

So, what's the key to writing a good resume? Two things: paying attention and customization.

Paying attention: Carefully read the description of the job you are applying for. Compare that job description with your skills, experience, and job requirements. If there is at least an 80% match between the two, go ahead and send your resume and cover letter. If there is not, don't waste their time or yours.

And watch out for their "must haves". If they "must" have someone who can work weekends, and you cannot or don't want to, then don't bother applying. If they "must" have someone who is an expert at QuickBooks Pro, and you are not, don't bother applying. And don't bother trying to convince someone that you are "flexible" or a "quick learner" in these situations. Match, or move on. [This is rather like the 7-minute speed dating process that has become popular lately, only in this case - and probably in speed dating too - you only really have about 30 seconds.]

Customization: Before you send that resume and cover letter, tailor them to the job you are applying for. This might seem like a "no-brainer", but you would be amazed at how many people send out, or post, standard, non-customized, resumes in application for jobs they (a) don't understand, (b) don't really want, or (c) aren't even remotely qualified for.

Make sure that everything that the company is looking for is reflected in your resume somewhere (and emphasized, and perhaps expanded, in your cover letter too). And make sure that the language matches. If your potential employer is looking for someone who is "mature and dependable", and you are, then say so using those exact words. "Grown up and reliable" will not do. Why? Because if a machine is scanning your resume, and it has not been programmed to recognize that "mature" and "grown up" or "dependable" and "reliable" are synonyms, your resume will not pass muster.

Unless you are applying for a highly creative job, such as Graphic Designer, creativity is not the key to preparing a resume. But customization is.

The days of using a one-size-fits-all resume are over!

But - never, ever, lie on a resume! If you don't have what the company is looking for, don't say that you do! If it's a minor thing, then perhaps don't mention it at all. If it's a major thing, express your willingness to learn or accommodate (but don't be disappointed if they don't invite you in for an interview).

A successful resume (and remember, "successful" means that it gets you an interview or at least a second look) will quickly show the reader that you have the skills, qualities, experience, job requirements, and enthusiasm to qualify for the position they are trying to fill. Particularly in this job market, where there is more supply than demand, an employer is usually looking for a person who already knows how to do the job they are advertising for. They will have their pick, and, in most cases, will not be interested in training someone to do the posted job.

Unfortunately, this is not the best job market for career changers. Most employers will be looking for people who are already qualified and experienced at doing the job they are hiring for. If you must change fields, get some coaching or counseling to get you going in the right direction, and then plan on getting the training and skills you will need to work in that field.

In Part Two of this series on resumes, I will provide some more detailed tips for preparing a customized resume. Stay tuned!

Click here to read more on cover letters.

Valentine's Day is NOT Just for Lovers

2009-02-12T13:48:00.006-05:00

Valentine's Day is a special day set aside for the celebration of Love. And what better purpose could there be for a celebration!

But there is a catch!

In our country, especially, Valentine's Day is hyped as a day to celebrate romantic love, and to do that in ways that "stimulate the economy" - which is to say that the media pushes us to spend, spend, spend on this holiday, as on most others - as if the buying and giving of greeting cards, flowers, chocolates, sexy underwear, and fancy evenings out on the town were the only - or best - ways to show love to a special someone. But are they, really?

On Oprah's show on Wednesday, February 11, Oprah and her guest, relationship expert M. Gary Neuman, discussed his research and book, The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What To Do About It. The hour's discussion revealed this very human fact: Most of the time, when men (or women) cheat on their spouse or romantic partner, it is because they are feeling ignored, unappreciated, or overly criticized by their partner. Cheating, says Neuman, is not about finding a sexier or more attractive partner; it is simply about being with someone who treats you in ways that make you feel appreciated and special.

Bottom line: Creating a happy, loving, fulfilling relationship is not about fancy gifts and dates, nor is it about being the sexiest man or woman on the planet; it's about saying "thank you" or "how thoughtful of you" or "wow, what a nice thing to say (or do)" - every day!

Appreciating others is a practice that extends beyond our spouses and romantic partners. It is - or needs to be - the one thing that greases the squeaky wheel of ALL relationships.

And in the "No-one-could-say-it-better" category, let me direct your attention to this article - Love the One You're With: The Real Meaning of Valentine's Day - written by my friend and colleague Linda Varone, a Feng Shui Consultant, and published in her February e-newsletter, Nurturing Spaces.

Here are some excerpts from Linda's article, reprinted by permission:

"For those of you who have a spouse, partner or lover your most important gift is your undivided attention."
"For those of us who are not in a relationship - by choice or by happenstance - now is the time to look around and consciously recognize those people in your life who give you love in its many forms...."
"Celebrate yourself. You are worthy of love."

To read the whole article, click here. And while you're at it, also subscribe to Linda's free monthly e-newsletter, full of articles about how to create nurturing spaces in your life.

Let us expand our vision of how to celebrate Love on this special day. Let us expand our expressions of love for our our romantic partners to meaningful, personalized expressions of appreciation on a daily basis. And let us also include more than our romantic partners in this day of celebration. Let's open our arms and our hearts to our families, our friends, our colleagues, our neighbors, our acquaintances, and perhaps even - whoa, what a radical thought - to ourselves!

Happy Valentine's Day - on February 14th and on every other day of the year!

Job Search Series: Cover Letters

2009-01-16T15:33:00.006-05:00

In the job search process, the cover letter often plays a crucial role. Following are some of the key functions of the cover letter:

- Introduces you and your resume to the reader/interviewer.

- States upfront which position you are applying for. [Very important. Larger companies are often filling more than one position at any one time.]

- States how you heard about the position. [Especially helpful if you were referred or recommended by a current employee or other known person, or if you are responding to a job listing or to a posted position on their site, on another site such as Monster.com, or comes through a specific agency or recruiter.]

- Highlights some of the key ways in which your skills and experience fit the job description.

- Indicates in some way that you have done your research about this company, position, and field.

- Indicates the level of your interest in this position. [Genuine enthusiasm and a curiosity to learn more about the company and the position are always a plus. The key word here is "genuine".]

- Gives the reader an impression about the level of your professionalism. [Clues: quality of paper used, letterhead design, writing skills - grammar, spelling, composition, organization of content, editing, proofreading]

Earlier in January, Connie was interviewed by a writer at Pongo Resume for an article published January 6, 2009 - 7 Experts Offer Their No. 1 Cover Letter Tip - by Team Pongo. If you are involved in the job search process, be sure to check out this article, and the many other job search blog articles published by Pongo several times a week.

Greeting the New Year

2009-01-06T15:20:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year, Dear Readers!

This would be a wonderful time to thank you for visiting our blog at any time since our launch in January of 2006 and to wish you every happiness and success in this new year of 2009.

Every year is a year of change, transition, and possibility - but perhaps this year more so than many. Though economic times may be tough and challenging for some, and though as a country and as a global population we still face challenges of many types, a new year always brings with it hope and the possibility of change for the better.

And in this country, and around the world, part of that hope will be brought to the fore with the inauguration of president-elect Barack Obama at noon on January 20th. In Mr. Obama, we have a leader who is extremely intelligent, thoughtful, perceptive, wise, inclusive, and far-seeing. His leadership already inspires hope and confidence.

To this mix, let us add two other words: patience and perseverance. Let us be patient as President Obama perseveres in finding solutions to our many dilemmas and challenges. Let us be both patient and persevering in pursuing our own goals and dreams and in solving our own dilemmas. And let each one of us be the change we hope to see around us.

On Winning: 25 Life Lessons Learned from Playing Free Cell

2008-12-05T12:25:00.005-05:00

OK, I admit it: I am a Free Cell devotee. Once I get started, I can play it for hours. I know I have compatriots out there. I have heard their sheepish confessions.

For those few who have not heard of Free Cell, I will explain. Free Cell is a computerized version of solitaire. This game is one of four that comes already loaded as a freebie on Microsoft operating systems. I have been playing Free Cell since 2003.

It's been challenging to justify the time I spend playing Free Cell. Mostly, I play when I need a break from all the work I do on my computer. I play for fun, for the challenge, for a change of pace, to combat boredom, to counter frustration or upset, to kill time while waiting for something else to happen. Occasionally I play to clear my mind - an almost meditative experience. Today was one of those days.

From the time I first began playing Free Cell five years ago to now, my ratio of winning:losing has increased enormously. When I first started playing, I rarely won a game. Now, I rarely lose. Today I began to think about why that is so and about how much I have learned while playing Free Cell. For the fun of it, I jotted down some of the things I have learned by playing this game. Then came the big AHA! - the moment when I saw the parallels between winning at the game of Free Cell and winning at the game of Life!

And now - to justify my habit - I am passing on these insights to you: 25 life lessons I learned from playing Free Cell:

1. The deal of the cards in a hand is random. There is no particular reason why you got a good hand or a bad hand. [For that matter, there is no such thing as a "good" or "bad" hand. A hand is just a hand. It is what it is.]

2. Play the hand you are dealt.

3. You win some and you lose some.

4. The trick is to win more than you lose.

5. Whether you win or lose has a lot to do with the choices you make. Most hands can be won if you play your cards right.

6. But not always. Occasionally, you are dealt a hand that cannot be won, no matter how you play it. As soon as you realize it cannot be won, let it go and move on to the next hand.

7. Winning on a consistent basis seems to come more easily if you start out by winning the first game.

8. Sometimes you start out with a winning hand, and sometimes you don't.

9. If you play long enough, you will start winning.

10. Once you start winning, keep playing and soon you will find yourself on a winning streak. The more you win, the more you keep winning. [This I have observed empirically over time.]

11. Losing streaks work the same way.

12. When you experience yourself as a Winner enough times, you begin to believe you are a Winner.

13. When you begin to believe you are a Winner, you do, in fact, become a Winner. [Why is this so? My theory: you first believe you are a winner, then begin to think and act like a winner - more strategically and with confidence. You get bolder. You try new moves. You are open to new options. You explore new possibilities. You risk more. You trust your intuition more.]

14. Being a Winner doesn't mean that you win every game. It means that you win more games than you lose - often, many more games. It also means that you keep playing, even (or especially) when you've just lost.

15. When a Winner sees that s/he does not have a winning hand, s/he quickly folds and plays a new hand.

16. Winning sometimes involves sacrificing a short term gain for the possibility of a long term win.

17. Winning involves learning from your mistakes.

18. When you lose a hand, replay it and try a different approach. If that doesn't work, replay the hand once more. When you've tried all the variations you can think of, and you're still not winning, move on to a new game.

19. Sometimes the obvious move is not the best move. (And sometimes, it is.)

20. Winning is not about getting it perfect; winning is about getting it done in a timely way.

21. Winning involves several things, some of which may seem contradictory - for example, using both logic and intuition to arrive at the winning hand.

22. Winners are not afraid of losing a game. Why? Because they KNOW they will win again in the future.

23. Playing Free Cell (or any game - real, virtual, or psychological) can become addictive. If you cannot stop playing when you know you should, it's time to quit playing the game altogether. If you cannot quit, get help! See a coach or a therapist, join a 12-step program, or remove the game from your computer (or your life).

24. Playing games can be fun and relaxing. But they are not Life.

25. Walking away from a game - whether winning or losing - can be challenging. Walking away when it is time to stop IS Winning - at the game of Life!

Loss, Gratitude, and the Phone Company

2008-11-13T16:37:00.004-05:00

Think about all the things we take for granted. Sometimes it takes a loss to help us appreciate what we have.

Tuesday morning I picked up my phone to make a call and the line was dead. No dial tone. Nothing. Nada. I tried every extension in the house. [There are three.] Same story.

I went searching for my cell phone, which I don't use very often. It was buried in my purse. I used it to call the phone company to report the problem.

I dialed the number provided for reporting technical problems. The phone was answered by an automated voice - female, pleasant, courteous, robotic. I tried to get through to a live person, but couldn't. This was partly due, I suspect, to the fact that Tuesday was a national holiday (Veterans Day) and there was probably only a skeleton staff of "live people" there. The auto-voice told me that service would be scheduled for Thursday, sometime between 8am and 6pm - at least 48 hours away! [Now, I have learned this trick, which I am passing on to you: When they provide a pause during which you are supposed so say a word like "yes" or "no" or a number, say "Agent". That should get you transfered to a Customer Service representative.]

When, after three tries, I finally reached a "live agent" on Wednesday morning, I put in a plea: Could you please come today rather than tomorrow? I have a business to run. I need to be available to my clients, as well as to family and friends.

No go. But I did get a morning appointment for today (Thursday). And at 10:15 this morning, I got a call from a repairman saying that the problem had been fixed. A wire in a cable a few blocks away had broken and was now repaired. [An auto-voice called me later in the day to report the same thing.]

I was immediately relieved and joyful and flooded with gratitude. It occurred to me then that there are so many things in life that we have and take for granted - phone service, electricity, computers, access to email and the internet, material goods, family, friends, lovers, spouses, pets, health, housing, food, democracy, military protection, social security, medicare, pensions, paid benefits, sunrises and full moons ... ah, I could go on and on here.

Sometimes it helps to lose something or someone we take for granted. We get to see how fortunate and blessed we are (or were) to have had them in our lives. Right now, I feeling very grateful for phone service - and for everything else on that list above!

Emotional Transitions: Loss and Grief

2008-10-20T08:58:00.003-04:00

My Designing Your Life work is all about coaching people through transitions and change. With the recent transition from summer into fall, I have been witnessing a lot of change, and with it the emotional upheavals that come with that change. Loss seems to be a big theme this fall.

In this year's transition from summer to fall, the winds of change came blowing through with gale force, impacting not only my life and the lives of my family, friends, clients, and colleagues, but also the lives of most people in this country and around the globe. Wars, political campaigns, weather challenges, and, most of all, economic upheavals of major proportions have shaken the very foundations of our assumptions about how life "should" be. Many people have been forced to re-evaluate their lives in various ways. And some have been forced into transitions or changes, not always desired or of their own choosing.

My friend Judy observed yesterday that this year's transition from summer into fall seems to have evoked a lot of sadness - more than usual, it seemed to her. I have noticed the same thing, not only in others around me, but also within myself.

Just within my own small circle, there is much loss and sadness - an in-law observing the first anniversary of her husband's death, a new friend still grieving the recent loss of his wife to cancer, a colleague reluctantly closing her business, a client upset over the loss of her job, a friend facing possible breast cancer, a relative hospitalized with depression. And, as for me, I find myself grieving the loss of a very special friendship - not through death, thank goodness, but through what may be inadequately described here as "irreconcilable differences".

Through these events, I have been reminded once again that loss is a natural and inevitable part of the cycle of life. And when we lose someone or something dear to us, or important to us in some way, we need to grieve that loss. And I am reminded of the ground-breaking work of Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and her description of the grief process outlined in her classic book On Death and Dying.

Kubler-Ross broke down the grieving process into the five stages listed below. Within each of the stages, there are nuances, variations, and sub-topics to consider. Not everyone who grieves goes through these five stages - at all, or in this order. For some, the whole cycle is very short (a matter of minutes or days); for others, the cycle can last a much longer time (months, years, most of a lifetime, perhaps). They are:

1. Denial - If a loss is sudden and unexpected, the very first stage can be shock. This includes a physiological response in which the body reacts strongly. Fainting or a kind of emotional numbness are two examples of this response. This is followed by denial - an inability to accept the loss, despite the evidence.

2. Anger - When the shock wears off, the next response could be sadness and tears. But often, it is not. Anger is commonly the next major response. Anger at anything from another person to onesself to more and more external causes - the boss who downsized you, the driver of the car that hit your loved one, the doctor who couldn't cure an illness, the friend who observed your spouse being unfaithful, but didn't say anything - or at something as intangible as fate, destiny, or God. Anger is a healthy, useful, natural part of grieving. It is important to honor that, and express it. And it is also most important not to get stuck there. One can forfeit way too much of one's life staying stuck in anger.

3. Bargaining - This is the phase where, still in denial, one tries to stave off the inevitable. This might be called the "if only" stage, as in "If only I were to do this [whatever "this" is], I might not lose that [whatever "that" is]. One might, for example, explore other job opportunities within your company with the HR representative who has just fired you and is processing your termination. Or, you might try to shore up a crumbling relationship by offering to alter your thoughts, beliefs, or behaviors in order to make it work. Or you might ward off the diagnosis of a terminal illness by talking with other doctors and health professionals and trying every remedy you can think of. And while these bargaining measures do occasionally work, way more often they do not. And when they do not, the next stage sets in.

4. Depression - Depression can wear more than one face. It could be anger turned inward towards onesself, rather than at the world. [This is when getting in touch with your anger is especially important in the grieving process.] It is most often expressed as sadness, sometimes a very profound and long-lasting sadness. And tears are healing. Sadness, too, must be honored. One's energy can be low during this phase, and it is important to honor one's need for rest and nurturing. Sometimes the depression becomes so marked that the grieving person retreats from the world, and essentially shuts down emotionally. While this can be healthy for a short period of time, it becomes unhealthy when it goes on too long. At this point, the grieving person is unable to reach out for help, and the support of family, friends, and health professionals becomes so very important.

5. Acceptance - Sooner or later, one finally faces the loss head on and accepts it. This could take minutes, hours, days, or years. While there may still be moments of residual sadness, the predominant feelings become relief and a growing sense of peace. Once you have reached the stage of acceptance, it becomes much easier to move on and fully take up your life again.

Remember that loss and grieving are as natural to life as is the change of seasons. Remember, too, that as in all change, "this too shall pass". And there is also the wisdom of this observation: "When God closes a door, he/she opens another one somewhere else." When you face an important loss in your life, allow yourself to grieve. Understand the process and let yourself go with it - all the way to the final stage of acceptance.

Most of the time, the times of transition in our lives, in which the most important life changes and growth take place, not only involve loss but also gain. The deepest and most challenging changes in our lives are also the most life-changing - and almost always for the better. In his book, Illusions, author Richard Bach writes this:

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world,
the master calls a butterfly.

Entrepreneurship Series: Commitment

2008-10-13T13:48:00.003-04:00

As we continue this series on Entrepreneurship and entrepreneurial readiness, we ask the question, "What does it take to be a successful entrepreneur?"

There are many answers to this question. One of them is - commitment.

In many respects, starting a business is very much like embarking on a marriage. It is a long-term commitment that requires passion, enthusiasm, and love of the work, product, service, or field of that business. It requires a kind of stick-to-it-iveness that is reminiscent of the marriage vows - that is, you agree to stick with it in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, until death - or some other BIG factor (such as retirement)- does you part. It requires dedication, persistence, perseverance, perspiration, and a conservatively high degree of risk tolerance.

What are some of the secrets of maintaining an entrepreneurial commitment of this kind over the long haul - perhaps in times of economic challenge such as we currently face in this recessive economic climate? Here are some factors...

Imagination - Before you ever start your business, imagine yourself several years into it. Imagine yourself successful and growing. Visualize yourself in your business, through all seasons and business cycles, all the way to retirement.

Intention - Start your business with the very strong intention to stay with it and to succeed. Create the intention to do whatever it takes to make it work.

Challenge - Be someone who thrives on challenge. Embrace "mistakes" as opportunities to learn and to do it better.

Change - Expect and embrace change. Keep refining and fine tuning and growing your business. Never allow it to stagnate.

Time Management - The advantage of working for yourself is that you are in charge of your time and you can enjoy some flexibility in terms of time. The disadvantage is that there is no such thing as a 40-hour work week for most entrepreneurs. Owning your own business is a BIG time commitment, and it is best to plan on that from the beginning. Yet, it is also possible to be very efficient and savvy about how you use your time. Learn to Work Smarter, Not Harder.

Work/Life Balance - That being said, it is also crucial to find ways to balance your work time with your other priorities - time for family, for friends, for socializing, for exercise and recreation, for creative and spiritual pursuits, for managing your household - for all the pieces of your life that you value and enjoy. Balancing your life well prevents burnout and gives you the energy and zest you need to be with your business, day in and day out. Life and Work need to be FUN and energizing!

Question: On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the lowest and 10 the highest, how able are you to commit to something for the long haul and stick with it?

Hint: If your answer was 7 or lower, then entrepreneurship is probably not for you.

Entrepreneurship Series: Risk Tolerance

2008-09-28T13:28:00.003-04:00

Entrepreneurs, by nature, must be risk takers. How much risk are YOU willing to take? Contrary to popular belief, the most successful entrepreneurs are not over-the-top risk takers.

Here's what Kathleen Allen, author of Entrepreneurship for Dummies says about risk-taking and entrepreneurship:

Entrepreneurs are neither high risk takers nor do they avoid risk. They are moderate or calculated risk takers. They manage risk and make decisions based on what they believe their chances of success to be. Entrepreneurship is inherently risky, but so is driving a car and most everything else we do in life that has any significance. Entrepreneurs are just better at judging risk and finding ways to manage it.

Imagine a scale labeled Risk Tolerance. It runs from zero (no risk) to ten (extreme risk). On this scale, with 0 being someone who takes as few risks as humanly possible (probably an agoraphobic) and 10 being someone who takes enormous risks as a way of life (a James Bond type), where do you fall?

If your score is less than 5 or greater than 8 on this Risk Tolerance Scale, you may want to reconsider your decision to go into business for yourself.

Note: This article and the Risk Tolerance Scale are taken from Connie Komack's workshop,(c)2006-2008, Is Entrepreneurship Right for Me?

National Employ Older Workers Week

2008-09-25T08:59:00.004-04:00

National Employ Older Workers Week is happening right NOW - September 21 - 28, 2008. This designated week happens every year during the last full week in September.

This is not a new event. The National Employ Older Workers Week was actually created by the Department of Labor in 1959 during President Eisenhower's administration. The Week was set up in order to encourage and support older workers (defined as 55 and up) in the workplace.

During this week, many locales in most states are sponsoring Job Fairs - some with a focus on targeting older workers. For those living in my local area, Boston's North Shore, be sure to check out Boston.com's Web page, Find a Job in the North Shore Region.

For a look at the National Picture, check out the article, National Employ the Older Workers Job Fair Series, on WiserWorker.com.

Boomers and Seniors in the Workplace

2008-09-24T07:18:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, I was quoted in an article titled Retire? More Seniors May Get to Dictate Their Futures by Rick Saia of PongoResume.com. This article is a Must-Read for those contemplating retirement and for those already in retirement.

It seems to me that three large events are coming together in a way that will result in keeping Boomers in the workplace longer and in bringing already retired Seniors back into the workplace:

1. More retired Seniors are living longer - and are living healthy, active lives longer - than ever before. And therefore, they need two things: (1) something interesting and productive to do with their time, and (2)more income to finance their longer lifespans.

2. With Boomers retiring, the are some real shortages of talent in some industries - such as teaching, for example - gaps that are not being adequately filled by the latest group of 20-somethings coming through.

3. The current economic crisis is putting a pinch on everyone's pocketbook, and especially on those of Seniors living on a fixed income based on savings and funds that are being eroded or are disappearing.

As Rick Saia points out in an earlier article he wrote, "Bringing Boomers and Millennials Together at Work", there are important roles for older workers in the workplace - one of which is the role of Mentor to younger workers coming up through the workplace hierarchy.

Saia also mentions in his article of yesterday, that this week - September 21-28, 2008 - is National Employ Older Workers Week. Must say, though I've found references to this week for past years, there doesn't seem to be much buzz about it this year. Wonder why?

Entrepreneurship Series: Entrepreneurship Workshop - October 8, 2008

2008-09-18T14:40:00.004-04:00

Is Entrepreneurship Right for Me?

This is the theme of the workshop to be presented by Connie Komack of LifeWork Enterprises in Partnership with The Entrepreneur's Source in Beverly, Massachusetts.

Are you at a choice point in your career?

Are you considering going into business for yourself?

Are you wondering if you have what it takes to be a successful business owner?

If you are contemplating going into business for yourself, or if you know of someone who is, register for this free event and join us for an evening of exploration and inquiry.

Date: Wednesday, October 8, 2006

Time: Registration: 6:30pm. Program: 7-9pm.

Place: 100 Cummings Center, Suite 221E, Beverly, MA

Fee: None. Advance registration is strongly encouraged.

To Register: Contact Tom DiGiuseppe at The Entrepreneur's Source. Phone: 978-524-9900. Email: tgdesource@verizon.net.

Wanting What You Have

2008-08-10T05:34:00.004-04:00

Are you someone who is happy with what you have? Or are you someone who is easily bored with what you have and is always wanting more?

I am a movie buff, and often I find valuable life lessons embedded in the movies. Take, for example, the 1994 film Love Affair - a remake of the classic film, An Affair to Remember. There is a line in this movie that blew me away at the time, and I have remembered it all these years.

In this film, wise and elderly great-aunt Ginny (played by screen legend Katherine Hepburn) to Warren Beatty's character Mike Gambril has a quiet moment with her great-nephew's latest love interest, Terry McKay, played by Annette Bening. As the two women talk about life and the life paths each has taken, great-aunt Ginny turns to Terry, and says, "You know, my dear, happiness lies not in having what we want, but in wanting what we have."

What a profound piece of advice for us all in this culture and in these times of rapid change - wanting what we already have, as opposed to constantly wanting what we don't have!

Think of this concept as it applies to both material things and to relationships:

First, material things: We in the United States live in an affluent and prosperous culture, even in this temporary economic slump. We are a culture driven by consumerism and by material and economic greed. We are pummeled by advertising that constantly promotes the newest and latest product and encourages us to throw away that "old" whatever - car, vacuum cleaner, mop, shampoo, TV, computer, phone, etc. - and replace it with the newest, hottest version (which is only new or hot for a very short time before something newer or hotter comes on the market).

We are now approaching a crisis of excess, in our own country and across the globe. Global population is expanding exponentially, and along with this, a demand for more and more "stuff". At the same time, our resources are dwindling. The current shortage of gas and other fossil fuel products is only one example. It is only a matter of a short time - a few decades, perhaps - before the size of the population world-wide will outstrip the available resources. What then?

If ever there were a time to cultivate an attitude of gratitude for all that we have, combined with a desire to live simply and to care for the possessions we do have so that they last as long as possible, this is that time!

And, as for relationships - which was the topic of this movie scene - we have also been living in a throw-away society in which we are taught to always be looking for the next best person to replace our current model. We seem to have lost the ability in relationships, as with things, to want what we have.

"Wanting what we have" means appreciating, respecting, valuing, prizing, nurturing, and maintaining what we have, and repairing what is broken whenever possible - whether we are speaking of the relationships in our lives or our material possessions. It means remembering why we brought them into our lives in the first place. It means putting in the time, care, and attention it takes to grow, maintain, or preserve what you have. It means focusing on what's working, rather than what's not working. And it means, in the words of that old Johnny Mercer song,

You've got to accentuate the positive,
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative, and
Don't mess with Mister In-Between.

Letting Go Experiment: Two Years Later

2008-06-30T14:21:00.006-04:00

In June of 2006, I began my Letting Go Experiment - a personal project intended to last for one year. I was curious to see how my life might change if I released 365 "things" from my life - one per day for a year. Mostly, I released material things - household items, clothing, books, magazines, tapes and CD's, office supplies, unopened food packages. But here and there, I also released non-material items: habits, thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, and the like. At the end of the first 365 days, I reported on what I had done.

Then, I decided to extend the experiment. I continued to log everything I released from my life for another four months and again published the results in my blog, Letting Go Experiment: Month 16.

The last entry in my daily Letting-Go Log is dated October 31, 2007. But I find that letting go continues to be both a theme and a practice in my life, two years after I began in June of 2006.

In the months between November 1, 2007 and June 30, 2008, I released the following from my life: a few more household items, a couple more magazine subscriptions, a commercialized celebration of the December holidays, 30 additional pounds of body weight (a total of 45 altogether), an entire wardrobe of clothing, sizes 14 through 22 (I am now a 12), except for a few pieces that were altered, some unproductive eating habits, and some prescription medication. And that's not all.

More important than all of these "things", the most challenging and worthwhile things released from my life during this experiment were non-material - all were forms of thought originating in my mind: limiting beliefs, assumptions and interpretations, negative self-talk, fears, resentments, petty jealousies and other negative emotions, prejudices, unrealistic wants and expectations, unproductive habits and behaviors.

What have I learned from this experiment?

1. I have too much stuff! Yes, even after 2 years of releasing material stuff from my life, I still have more than I need, and my physical space is still more cluttered that I would like it to be. A life of material simplicity is still a goal. Imagine how our resources might expand, or be preserved, if we all had this goal!

2. Letting go of excess material stuff also seems to result in letting go of excess and non-productive non-material thoughts and behaviors as well. This is excellent incentive for continuing to let go of the material stuff.

3. Letting go of "stuff" makes room for new (and better) "stuff" to come into one's life. [Read "stuff" as anything of value: people, relationships, things, work, play, ideas, emotions, experiences, thoughts, habits, beliefs, etc.] [Yes, it really does seem to work this way!]

4. Letting go involves what Buddhists call "non attachment". And I have found non-attachment to be a very challenging concept to put into practice - and a subject to explore further in another blog entry.

So, what about you, dear reader? What about the internal and external clutter in YOUR life? If you released some of the non-productive "stuff" in your life - both material and non-material - what room might you create for something new and better to come into your life?

The Courage Code

2008-04-27T06:47:00.006-04:00

How do YOU define Courage? Do you define it as taking great physical or financial risks or performing heroic deeds in the face of possible injury, death, or financial disaster? Do you see courage as facing the enemy in battle, chasing down and arresting a criminal, rock climbing, shooting rapids, exploring jungles, skydiving, bungee jumping, climbing Mt. Everest, or making a risky investment on Wall Street? This is our cultural view of courage today. This is the masculine expression of courage.

In The Courage Code, by authors Megan Raphael and Jennifer Byron, we are introduced to some new examples of courage - a new code of courage - born of the feminine and exemplified by the stories of 44 women of courage.

These are stories of women who found their voice, learned to speak up even if their opinion was not shared by others, learned how to say "Yes" and "No" from their own truth, were able to walk away from abusive situations and say "no more", made choices to change their lives in ways that risked disapproval or worse, stopped living to please others and starting living from their own authentic truth. These are everyday stories of taking risks on many levels - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, financial - risks that may not make headlines but in their own ways took enormous amounts of courage.

In the Introduction, the authors state, "We're also introducing 44 women who are, as you are everyday, living courageously. They are challenged everyday to create a life of meaning and authenticity. They have discovered the power of seemingly small choices that create mammoth shifts in their lives and in their worlds."

I can relate to this, as I think of some of the choices I have made and the risks I have taken. I have taken very few physical - or masculine-type - risks, though I did once go gliding in an unpowered sailplane, which is perhaps the biggest physical risk I have taken. I have taken financial risks, most notably by starting and running two different entrepreneurial businesses from an undercapitalized place. I have taken professional risks, such as learning to speak professionally before audiences of all sizes (and going from paralyzing fear to absolute confidence and joy in these situations).

But most of my risks in life have been relational and emotional ones: the first time I asked a boy out (perhaps the scariest thing I ever did, at least it felt that way at the time), the decision to end a marriage which was good in many ways but which was starving each of us emotionally, the courage to stand up to a "friend" who did something very unkind, the risk of saying "Yes" to an unfamiliar and scary proposition, the risk of saying "No" to something that was not in my best interests, and more recently, taking the risk of traveling 3000 miles to have a "third date" with an old high school friend whom I haven't seen in 48 years or taking the risk of losing a very rare and treasured friendship by being authentic and telling my truth.

Though this book is written for and about women, there is much richness here for men as well. We all have aspects of both the feminine and the masculine within us. Each of these aspects, blended together - in one person or in a whole society - create a synergy that is greater than the sum of its parts. We will all grow as individuals and as a culture when we learn to own, embrace, and express the full range of the masculine and feminine within us. The brands of courage exemplified in the stories in this book are part of the whole picture, part of our humanity and wholeness. We are not looking at an "either/or" situation here, but a "both/and".

Stories and acts of courage come in all sizes and shapes, and all are there to be acknowledged and honored. It is time for the feminine codes of courage to take their rightful place in the fabric of our society. It is time for a more gentle revolution from within to help inform our political decisions and social welfare. An ancient Chinese proverb states, "Women hold up half the sky." We could say, by extension, that the feminine in each of us is as valuable a contribution to our society as is the masculine. It is time to bring this truth into being.

To order The Courage Code or to learn more about The Courage Project, visit www.courageproject.com or contact author Megan Raphael at megan@courageproject.com.

Patience - or When Will This Long Winter Be Over!

2008-03-30T09:14:00.006-04:00

It is the end of March in New England. The calendar tells us that we have officially been in Spring for ten days now. But are we? It sure doesn't feel like it, with periodic days of snow/sleet/rain and temperatures in the 20's and 30's, brought down to the teens with the wind chill factor. When WILL Spring really arrive? And after that, Summer - my favorite time of year? We've had the Lion; now where's the Lamb?!

I have been feeling like a kid waiting for a birthday that never seems to come. Oh, the anticipation - the party, the friends, the fun, the presents, the cake! Days seemed to pass to excruciatingly slowly, back in those days. And even today, when I am looking forward to some special event, the days sometimes still seem to inch along, snail-like. [Of course, I no longer am impatient for birthdays to arrive, but that's another story!]

But lately, I've been looking at this a whole new way, thanks to - among other things - some study in Buddhism, the works of Eckhart Tolle, and a chance comment from a friend.

Let's start with the friend, who put it this way: "Without winter, there can be no summer. How would we ever know or appreciate the joys of summer without having gone through winter first?"

How indeed! Life is full of contrasts, which together help us know and explore the whole range of what it means to be human: winter-summer, hot-cold, day-night, good-evil, war-peace, rich-poor, young-old, sound-silence, male-female, together-alone, fat-thin, happy-sad, love-hate (actually, it's love-indifference, but that, too, is another story). How can any one of these things exist, without it's opposite?

So, what does all this have to do with Patience?

It all has to do with recognizing these things:

(1)Everything we experience in life has value. Every moment of every day can teach us something, if we are open to the lessons.

(2)Life is short, and precious. Why waste a moment of it pining for what has been or longing for what has not yet been and may never be?

(3)Most of life is illusion. Only the present moment is real. Past and future are just thoughts in our heads. Memories (often faulty), ideas, beliefs, imaginings, fantasies - none of these are real. Ram Das summed it up in a nutshell: Be here now! Eckhart Tolle expands on this theme so eloquently in his books The Power of Now and A New Earth.

(4)Change is inevitable. That is the very nature of Life. As they say about the New England weather, "If you don't like the weather, just wait a moment; it will change. And if you do like the weather, it will still change." So it is with all of life.

Patience is that quality that allows us to slow down, to pay attention to what is before us in the present moment, to enjoy each tiny step of our Grand Journey through life. Patience is knowing and accepting that change is inevitable, that every moment is precious, and whether painful or joyful, every event, every season of our lives, brings with it special gifts - much better and more lasting than any birthday gift could ever be.

So, be patient. Your next gift is as close as the next moment! Perhaps it is even right here, right now! [Click "right now" for a special meditative moment.]

Designing Your Life - Taking Stock

2008-01-14T09:51:00.001-05:00

January is an ideal time to begin the process of re-vamping or redesigning your life. When you are in, or approaching, a transition period in your life, where do you begin to redesign your life?

Well, think about it for a moment. If you decided to make a new recipe that you had never made before, what would you do? You have the recipe in front of you. You recognize some ingredients and some directions, perhaps, and are unfamiliar perhaps with others. So, the first thing you might do is to check your cupboards, pantry, and refrigerator to see which ingredients you already have and then you make a list of the items you will need to purchase.

The very first step is checking to see what you already have. In the Designing Your Life process, I call this Taking Stock. In this first phase, you take a good and thorough look at yourself and your life, and you identify all the things you bring to the table thus far. Whether you are in your teens or in your golden years, or anywhere in between, this is a critical first step in re-inventing your self or creating the life of your dreams. Here are some of the "ingredients" you might check out:

- Life experience
- Work experience
- Roles you play in your life
- Skills, talents
- Aptitudes
- Personal characteristics, strengths & weaknesses
- Interests, passions
- Personality type
- Values
- Life purpose

Our Designing Your Life program and the accompanying Designing Your Life workbook provide a structured way of taking stock of all the qualities and experiences that contribute to who you are today and support you in bringing them forward into the next phase of your life, while at the same time identifying new skills, talents, and so forth that you wish to develop. The program contains exercises and tools for exploring each of these "ingredients" and more.

You can also do this without the structure and support of a program, coach, group, or book (though support is a very valuable part of the process for most people). Here are some tips for making the most of your personal Taking Stock process:

1. Purchase a spiral notebook or large blank journal that will be devoted exclusively to this Designing Your Life process.

2. Set aside some segments of quiet, uninterrupted time in which to do your stock-taking. Create a contemplative mood for yourself, perhaps by walking first or meditating or breathing quietly or listening to soothing music.

3. Consider each of the points on the list above, and take time to address each one separately and thoroughly. For some aspects (such as skills, characteristics, interests, values), you can make lists. Others may require other tools or approaches (free-writing, resume reviews, specialized assessments, etc.). Plan to do these exercises in small sessions, one or two aspects at a time, over a period of days or weeks.

4. For the lists you have, identify the top ten in each area and then rank-order them in order of importance to you. This is especially important in the area of your Values.

5. Create a summary page that pulls together all that you have learned about yourself, including all of your Top Ten lists.

When you have completed the Taking Stock phase of this process, it will be time for the Visioning phase - an exploration of the future life, career, or business you wish to create. In the next blog, we will take a look at that phase.

Meanwhile, if you find that you could use some coaching support in your Taking Stock process, please contact me. I am committed to your success and well-being!

Gratitude and The New Year

2007-12-30T19:07:00.001-05:00

As the old year passes into the new, why not take a moment to think about these questions:

- What am I thankful for in my current life - right now, this minute?
- What "gifts" did I receive in 2007 that I will be bringing with me into the New Year?
- What continuing or new "gifts" do I intend to be thankful for in 2008?

During the Christmas holiday, I discovered a beautiful song, Thankful, sung by Josh Groban on his CD titled Noel. What a beautiful expression of Gratitude this is! For a real treat, take a moment to click the link above and view the lyrics and listen to his song on YouTube.

Being thankful for what you already have is a pre-requisite for attracting and creating what you want in the future. This is why keeping a Gratitude Journal has always been a cornerstone of my Designing Your Life program.

Rhonda Byrne, author of the 2007 best-seller, The Secret, has also published a companion journal, The Secret Gratitude Book. In the Introduction to this journal, she writes:

To transform your life, you must find a way of being grateful for what you have now. As you focus on sincere gratitude for several minutes at a time, you will move your frequency to one of the most powerful frequencies there is, and all-good things will begin to appear in your life!

Focusing on Gratitude on a daily basis can take many forms, including:

- Keeping a Gratitude Journal and writing in it daily
- Saying your "gratitudes" as you might say your prayers, every morning as you awaken and every evening before falling asleep
- Include saying your "gratitudes" as you begin your meditation practice
- Expressing gratitude as a blessing before every meal
- Stopping at any moment, as you are moved to do so, to appreciate what is before you and to say "thank you"

I often find myself expressing gratitude through the opening lines of a poem titled I Thank You God by e.e. cummings:

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes...

What more powerful way could there be to usher in 2008 than to be thankful for all the blessings we bring with us into this brand new year!

Practicing Extreme Self-Care: Reprise

2007-12-18T07:20:00.001-05:00

The very first post I wrote in this blog was on Practicing Extreme Self-Care. And now, almost two years later, I am circling around to this subject again. Why? Because when you design, create, build, and live the life of your dreams, then practicing self-care and creating potent health in your body, mind, psyche, and spirit becomes absolutely essential. It is the solid foundation of the mansion that is your life.

Henry David Thoreau is quoted as saying, If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; now put the foundations under them. Your health, your vitality, your energy are the foundations of your life. These things need to be in place - strong and solid.

Two years ago, I was just beginning to build those foundations for myself. Today, they are strong, and getting stronger by the day. Today, I can write from experience instead of from theory. Today, I can tell you that focusing on building health in all these areas, especially in the physical body, is the best thing I have ever done for myself.

So, what wisdom can I add to that original article? Here are a few thoughts:

First, fall in love with your body. For many people, that is not an easy thing to do. But it IS do-able. What it takes is acceptance, appreciation, and gratitude. Whatever body we have been given, it IS the body we have been given. It is the vehicle that houses our psyche, senses, soul, and spirit. It is, as some have said, the Temple of our soul. We need to treat our bodies with love and reverence, and take care of them as we would take care of the most precious of places or people or possessions in our lives. As for appreciation and gratitude, it is our bodies that allow us to experience magnificent sunrises and sunsets, music that moves us to tears, the sensuous taste of food like chocolate, the smell of the briny ocean or a rose in bloom, and the touch of a baby's smooth bottom or the embrace of a friend or lover. The more I have come to understand the miracle of having a body with which to experience this world and this life, the more I have come to accept, embrace, nurture, and appreciate my body.

Second, a friend recently shared with me these secrets for living a long and healthy life, and I am passing them on to you. The keys to creating perfect health are these "triple powers": Right Thinking, Nutrition, and Joy in all that you do:

Sickness is not the natural state of the human body; it is a perfect creation of the Perfect Creator. Though injuries must come to balance the wheel of destiny, sickness is a self-imposed torture that should not be. Through the triple powers of right thinking, nutrition, and joy in all that you do, the body should always be in perfect health. (excerpted from Spiritual Living, unpublished manuscript, ©Robert G. Black, 2007.)

Right Thinking means thinking positive thoughts and having positive expectations. (e.g. "I am healthy and getting healthier every day" or "I expect to live and be healthy until I am at least 100 or more".) This kind of thinking is also the basis for the Law of Attraction and the laws of Cause and Effect. To borrow and rework Henry Ford's famous quote, if you think you're healthy (or youthful, or whatever) or you think you're not, you're right.

Nutrition surely is key. I have been learning this for myself these past two years. What we put into our bodies for nourishment and fuel is absolutely ESSENTIAL to how we function on a daily basis and how we set ourselves up for the future. If you don't know much about nutrition, go read everything you can find about it. Subscribe to publications like Nutrition Action or Environmental Nutrition or Prevention Magazine, or Dr. Andrew Weil's monthly Self-Healing Newsletter, or any one of many wonderful medical school publications. Read every book or internet article you can find. [Check out these informative and entertaining books by Drs. Michael Roizen and Mehmet C. Oz - YOU The Owner's Manual, YOU on a Diet, or YOU Staying Young.] Talk with a nutritionist, naturopathic or holistic doctor, or any other expert in nutrition. And, if you already know a lot about nutrition, but are not putting your knowledge into action, then what are you waiting for? DO IT TODAY!

And as for finding Joy in everything you do, that is what designing, building, and living the life of your dreams is all about! And here's the key: you must know what you want (and that can be as specific as a "I want to be the author of a best-selling historical novel" or as open as "I want to be happy"), believe that you can have or achieve what you want, know that you are worthy and deserve to have what you want, and then be motivated and courageous enough to actually go for it!

And believe me when I tell you that you don't have to have all the answers, or have all your ducks in a row, before you begin. You just have to start taking action, one baby step at a time towards your dream, and the whole world opens up before you!

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Designing Your Life: Book Review

2007-12-06T10:34:00.001-05:00

Exciting News!

Word of my Designing Your Life program and workbook is finally spreading! A review of the workbook has been published online in Training Media Review. The review, by Mireille Massue, begins by discussing the symbolism of my business logo, the butterfly, as it relates to transformational coaching; it ends with this recommendation and a 3.5-star rating out of 4.0:

Recommendation
Designing Your Life is an excellent workbook offering tools to help you scrutinize your current life and work goals, reformulate them, and transform them into opportunity and action.

If you know someone - friend, family member, colleague, client - who would benefit from using a beautifully crafted, interactive workbook as a resource in redefining their career/life vision, plans, goals, then please send them to my web site or invite them to contact me personally by email at connie@conniekomack.com.

Goal-Free Living: A Book Review & More

2007-11-16T10:47:00.001-05:00

Goal-Free Living - what does that mean? Does it mean that we abandon all goals and just float through life like a leaf on a river, going wherever the current takes us?

This is the question I asked my colleague, Steve Shapiro, about a year ago upon the publication of his book, Goal-Free Living: How to Have the Life You Want NOW! (Stephen M. Shapiro, John Wiley & Sons, 2006). At the time, I was holding the autographed copy in my hands, but had not yet even read the dust jacket. When I got home, I looked it over quickly and then put it aside to read when I had time. Recently, I finally made that time and read the book cover-to-cover. And then I could not wait to tell my readers and clients about it.

As a Life/Work Coach, one of the things I do with clients is to work with them on setting realistic, achievable goals, then creating an Action Plan to accomplish those goals, and finally actually taking the actions needed to accomplish those goals. I approached this book wondering, Was this book proposing that people should live their lives without any goals? Or hinting that as a coach I should stop teaching goal-setting and action-planning techniques and strategies?

As it turns out, the answer is a qualified "No". Goal-Free Living is not about letting go of all goals. It's about having some goals but not being driven by them, not being "Goal-Focused" all the time. Goal-Free Living is about living in, and responding to, the moment, being fully engaged with the here and now, being tuned in to the opportunities that are constantly presenting themselves to us, if only we are open to receiving them.

In the author's own words, "Goal-Free Living is about listening to your gut, trusting that you are moving in the right direction, a direction that has meaning for you. You take risks and try new things. You play full out. Everything you do fits with your purpose."

Ah, here's the nub: knowing your purpose. Without knowing your purpose, or having some vision of a possible future, we would indeed drift.

And in addition to knowing your purpose, I would add, knowing yourself - your skills, talents, strengths, interests, personality style, cognitive style, values, dreams, wishes, aspirations and especially your overarching life purpose. And to this mix, I would also add identifying your passion - that thing, or things, that ignite(s) your energy, imagination, and drive - and letting these factors guide your journey through life.

Use a compass, not a map. This, Shapiro writes, is the first of his eight secrets for living a goal-free life. I interpret this secret, or guideline, to mean using your purpose, passion, and self-knowledge as Aspirations (Shapiro's term) or Mega-Goals (my term) - goals that set the tone or theme of your life. These become the Compass. A Map, in this context, would be a set of specific and detailed goals leading ultimately to fulfilling your purpose and vision in a specific, predetermined way.

For example, suppose your overriding life purpose was "to make a difference". This purpose would become the Compass of your life. And in all you do, making a difference would be the aspiration or mega-goal. Let's suppose, then, that you developed a very specific vision of how you would lead your life in response to that purpose. Perhaps you set a course for a career in health or politics or social justice, for example. And then, you created an action plan that led to to fulfilling that vision - a plan that perhaps contained very specific and focused action steps for reaching that goal. The Action Plan would become the Map.

The Goal-Focused approach would be to follow that Map with much intention, which would lead to achieving your very specific vision. The Goal-Free approach, on the other hand, would be to hold "making a difference" as your aspiration, or mega-goal, and then live your life in the present moment with your ear to the ground, open to all the possibilities you might encounter that would result in making a difference. This approach leaves you open to many more possibilities in terms of expressing and living your purpose, but also can create distraction, lack of focus, and confusion.

The way I look at it, there is value in each approach, and some people are more suited to one approach than the other. The Goal-Focused approach is a more logical, rational, analytical, step-by-step approach to creating a life. It is more suited to people who are primarily "left-brained" in their cognitive or personality style. The Goal-Free approach is a more creative, intuitive, multi-layered approach, and is more suited to those who are primarily "right-brained" in their cognitive or personality style. And, then, there is always the possibility of blending the two styles, or moving back and forth between them as the situation requires.

The author of Goal-Free Living shares eight secrets for living a Goal-Free life. So far, we have explored only one. What are the other seven secrets? Perhaps we will explore these in a future blog. Meanwhile, feel free to contact author Stephen Shapiro for the answer to that question or to order the book online through Amazon.com.

Meanwhile, what is your Compass? Your overriding life and/or work purpose? How might you use your purpose, your passion, and your unique gifts and talents as your compass in a goal-free life and change (improve) the quality of your life?

Plan To Be Surprised

2007-10-27T06:22:00.001-04:00

Last evening I saw a delightful movie - the newly released Dan in Real Life. Dan Burns (superbly played by Steve Carell) is a widower and the father of three girls, ages 8 to 17. He is also the writer of a "Dear Dan" - type newspaper column in which he dispenses advice on relationships and family life - advice he doesn't always heed himself. I'll forgo discussing the storyline so that you might have the pleasure of seeing it unfold for yourself. But this, I'll share. In this movie, there are some wonderful one-liners, and one that stood out for me was the very last line of the movie: Plan to be surprised.

As a Career/Life Coach, some of my work with clients is around planning. It's often about identifying your ideal life and/or career, then setting goals and designing a plan of action, and finally taking actions that will lead you to your goal(s). This is equivalent to setting a destination in sailing and then plotting a course for how you will get there, depending upon the wind direction, the chart of the waters, the tides and weather, and any other known obstacles or considerations. Or it's like choosing a travel destination for a vacation and then mapping out all the sights you plan to see while there or en route.

But as most boaters or travelers know, "stuff happens". The "best laid plans of mice and men" do go astray sometimes. What happens when Life throws you a curve? When something unexpected comes your way? And I'm not just talking about unpleasant surprises here, but also about pleasant surprises - wonderful surprises - surprises beyond, or different from, your wildest dreams. What then?

Take vacations, for example. Sometimes the best things that happen are the unplanned ones. Another movie comes to mind: Under the Tuscan Sun. If you have seen the movie or read the book, you know that Frances, the heroine, takes a tour of Tuscany, at the urging of her friends, in order to get over a painful divorce. But during a planned tour stop in a small village, Frances sees a flyer about a house for sale. She impulsively checks it out and her whole life changes - in good ways - in ways she couldn't have imagined when she began the tour or even when she bought the house.

I believe in visioning, goal-setting, and planning. I also believe in flexibility and in being open to the new possibilities that are presented to us at unexpected moments in life. In sailing, you must have a destination and must plot a course in order to have a direction and gain some momentum. However, as a sailor, you also know that any number of events could arise to throw you off course, and you need to be prepared for that. Sometimes you end up at a more desirable destination. Sometimes you're shipwrecked. Sometimes you're just stalled in the water for a while until you choose a new course.

So, for me, the approach I choose to take to Life and to coaching is paradoxical. My approach is to dream, to set goals, to plan, to follow your bliss and at the same time to pay attention, to live fully in the moment, and to allow your bliss to take you in unexpected directions. In other words: Plan to be surprised.

Don't Wait. Carpe Diem!

2007-10-09T15:08:00.001-04:00

Carpe Diem. Latin for "seize the day".

This is written especially for the procrastinators out there (me included).

Three recent events in my life have converged like a perfect storm to bring home to me the importance living life full out in every moment, hitting all the high spots, and not letting the important stuff slide.

The first event was attending portions of a Buddhist retreat that was held down the street from me in my home town of Rockport, Massachusetts this past August. Though I did not attend the whole retreat, and did not experience this firsthand, I did hear that the teacher, Lama Marut, led participants in a long guided meditation on death. The purpose of doing this meditation, as I understand it, is to face and finally accept the inevitability of one's own death so that one can release the fear and begin to really live - fully and in every moment. One of the things you realize through doing this meditation is that death could come at any moment, ready or not, whether we are young, old, or in between. The purpose of this death meditation is, ultimately, to end suffering and to bring happiness to yourself and to others. [This description is a vast oversimplification, but it will have to do for now.]

The second event was hearing the description of a trip to France, recently undertaken by two friends, John and Jo Leal. They spent most of their three-week trip in the countryside near the village of Turenne, but spent the last two and a half days in Paris. This got me thinking about what happens when we take a trip to an unfamiliar location, especially to a destination hot spot like Paris. What happens when we try to see, do, experience everything in such a short space of time? We have a long list, perhaps, of what we want to see and do - tourist spots, scenic beauty, fine dining, couture clothing, eating croissants in a cafe, practicing our French, immersing ourselves in the culture; the list could go on and on. In a situation like this, most of us go for it full out. We pack it all in. We extract every drop we can from every moment. As my friend Betty would say, we "live juicy".

I put this together with the lesson of the death meditation and thought, why can't we live every day as if we only had two days in Paris? There is something about the way we throw ourselves into life when we are traveling, especially to unfamiliar and exotic foreign destinations, that brings us into the present moment, heightens our awareness and our appreciation of our surroundings, and enables us to let go, experience life fully, and "live juicy".

The third event happened just a week ago. A beloved family member died unexpectedly when he was hit by a van while walking his dog. This event brought it all home. We don't know when or how the end will come. Sometimes, as the TV ad says, life (or death) comes at you fast. As I sat in the service, I thought about Dick and about other people who have exited my life, via death or in other ways, before I had the chance to learn who they really were or to say all the things I would like to have said. I procrastinated. I thought there would be plenty of time. I waited too long.

Today, I decided to do the following things: (1) To make a list of all the people still living with whom I had unfinished business or had not communicated with in a timely way and to contact them as soon as possible. (2) To make a "Life List" - something I often suggest for my coaching clients but had not yet done for myself - a list of all the things, large and small, that I would like to do before I die. And then, to start doing them, with intention and passion.

As to item #1, I have already phoned and talked with two people on my unfinished business list; I still have several to go. It felt good to reach out and take that step.

Today, I began thinking more like a Buddhist. What if today were the last day of my life? What would be the most important thing I could do with my time today? What things would I absolutely not want to leave unfinished? Perhaps it wouldn't matter if my house wasn't clean or my office wasn't organized or I hadn't completed every business task I'd set out for myself or even if all my "papers" were in order. Perhaps what would be most important might be taking an early morning walk and saying hello to the ocean, or expressing the gratitude I feel to be living in such a beautiful spot on this earth, or phoning to wish a friend bon voyage on an upcoming trip, or phoning to express appreciation for the generosity of an ex-husband, or apologizing to a friend whose feelings I had inadvertantly hurt, or telling my son and daughter-in-law and granddaughter (and other dear ones in my life) that I love them with all my heart, or writing something from the heart, like this piece, that might inspire or support another person.

So, here's my bottom line: Live like you only had two days to spend with your beloved in Paris or live like this was your last day on earth, but above all, "live juicy", finish your unfinished business, DO IT (whatever "it" is) NOW, and Carpe Diem!

Letting Go Experiment: Month 16

2007-09-18T06:45:00.000-04:00

The Letting-Go Experiment I started in June of 2006 is now in its sixteenth month. When I originally began this experiment, I intended it to go for a year. The idea was born out of a desire to visually de-clutter my home, and especially my office, and to prepare for an eventual move. I simply did not want to have to move any unnecessary or unwanted stuff to a new place. The move still has not happened, and this is a good thing, since I still have way more "stuff" than I need or want.

From the beginning, the Experiment was intended not only to apply to material things but also to non-material things, such as thoughts, beliefs, habits, behaviors, and the like. It also covers things in the realm between material and non-material, such as body weight and subscriptions of various kinds.

In the non-material realm, I am happy to report that I have released 26 pounds of body weight (so far), 3 subscriptions, and some non-productive thoughts and behaviors.

Of the 464 "things" I have released beginning June 10, 2006, approximately 90% fall in the material realm. This means that I have released from my possession approximately 418 items. Why then, do my rooms, drawers, cupboards, and closets seem as full, and sometimes as cluttered, as they did when I began the experiment? [And the answer is NOT that I replaced them with other things, because for the most part, I did not.]

The answer came to me recently while watching Wayne Dyer's newest PBS show, based on his book Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao. I heard him mention this statistic: The old 80/20 rule applies to our possessions in that we only use about 20% of the material things we own. The other 80% are superfluous. This statistic blew me away, and reinforced my desire to stay with this Letting-Go Experiment.

Chinese Feng Shui practitioners tell us that the excess stuff we have around us blocks the flow of chi (energy) through our homes and lives. It uses up space that we could use for new things (material and non-material) to come in. It distracts us from tasks we need to do and from contemplation and other inner work. Suddenly, I could see why backpacking and old-fashioned tent camping have such appeal, as does the old Japanese way of living in wood-and-paper houses with minimal necessities.

All this was brought home to me about a week ago, when at 5:30am I was jolted out of a deep sleep by the fire alarm going off in our condo-ized apartment building. I am on the top floor, and the fire escape routes aren't great, so I quickly put on some street clothes over my p.j.'s, frantically searched unsuccessfully for my cat (who had hidden behind a heavy bookcase where I could not reach her), then grabbed my keys and purse and headed downstairs and outside.

Fortunately, this was a false alarm. But in that space of time before knowing that there was no fire, I thought about all I might lose. And very little of it mattered. First and foremost, I was alive, and my life mattered the most. The other things still in my apartment that did matter to me were my cat, my computer and business records (the heart of my livelihood), and my photos (especially old ones of past generations of family and new ones of my son's recent wedding). I quickly realized that almost everything else could be replaced, and that this was an amazing experiment in letting go. Most of all, I realized that although I appreciate and enjoy many of my things, I am not overly attached to any of them. In some ways, starting over from scratch held some appeal, like starting a brand new painting on a blank canvas - an opportunity for something new to be created.

Since that day, I have decided that this Letting-Go Experiment is no longer a time-dated project, nor is it any longer an "experiment". It has become a way of life. And I will continue to release unnecessary or unwanted stuff from my life - material and non-material - until I am left with the approximately 20% of "stuff" that really does matter in my life.

If you could only keep 20% of your material possessions, what would you keep? Or, if you were exiting a burning building and could only bring with you what you could carry [excluding people, whom we will assume will also get out safely], what would you bring with you?

Food for thought.

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Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

How Do CRAMPS Relate to Goal-Setting?

2007-08-16T10:03:00.001-04:00

What is a Goal?

A Goal is the ongoing pursuit of a worthy objective until it is accomplished. [from The Power of Focus, by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, and Les Hewitt, 2000.]

In the world of goal-setting, it is important to understand how to create an effective goal, a goal in which Success is the end result.

In my previous blog (Mega-Goals, Mini-Goals, and Office Organization, July 23, 2007), I described a goal-setting method called Setting SMART Goals.

Let's review the SMART goals model and then explore a new one - the CRAMPS model.

The model of setting SMART goals has been used by coaches for many years now, and it incorporates many of the qualities of successful goal-setting. SMART goals are:

S = Specific

M = Measurable

A = Achievable

R = Realistic

T = Time-framed

The CRAMPS model is one that I developed a few years ago for my goal-setting workshops. This model incorporates all the qualities of SMART goals and adds a few more that refine the goal-setting process even more and build in an even higher probability for success. Although the CRAMPS acronym is not nearly as elegant or as sexy as the SMART one, it IS memorable, and that is what is important.

So, a CRAMPS goal is:

C = Clear (Specific. Simply and clearly stated. One concept at a time.)

R = Realistic (Is this a realistic goal for me?)

A = Attainable (At all? Within the specified time frame? Am I willing to do what it takes?)

M = Measurable (Usually includes numbers and measures; always time-related.)

P = Positive (Framed in positive language; states what you want, not what you don't want.)

S = Supported (By you and by selected other people and/or other resources.)

How could the CRAMPS model help you to set more effective goals in your work or personal life?

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Although this Blog site is not set up to be interactive at this time, feel free to contact me with your comments.

Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

Mega-Goals, Mini-Goals, and Office Organization

2007-07-23T08:35:00.001-04:00

Sometimes the goals we set for ourselves are small and very doable in the allotted time frame. Other times, the goals we set for ourselves are huge - complex and often time-urgent. These I call Mega-Goals. Usually a Mega-Goal involves a big life change. Examples: deciding what to do after graduation, selling and/or buying a home, relocating to another part of the country, beginning or ending a significant relationship, changing jobs or careers, preparing for retirement.

When faced with a Mega-Goal, it is easy to become overwhelmed and discouraged. And the typical response to this kind of overwhelm, in addition to frustration and fatigue, is often either to procrastinate or just shut down and back away from the project altogether.

This feeling of overwhelm is something I experienced recently at the end of my year-long Letting-Go Experiment. I had completed my 365-day experiment of releasing one material or non-material item per day. I felt very proud of my accomplishment. However, my major reason for starting this experiment in the first place was still staring me in the face. My office! While the other rooms and storage areas in my home now had been relieved of their excess clutter, my office had not.

I need to begin this story by saying that, typically, organization is one of my strong points, my skills. I like my living space to be clean and uncluttered. The state of my office for the past couple of years has been atypical.

One room in my small home is totally dedicated to my office. While once there had been a futon in my office to accommodate overnight guests, this was now long gone. On every wall, there are bookcases, filing cabinets, or desk surfaces, and all overflowing with stuff. There are also several extra storage bins and boxes jutting out into the room. While some of the clutter involves having too many books, magazines, and working notebooks, most of it involves - what else! - too much loose paper!

Piles of paper cover every surface in my office. Mail - a lot of mail!- (most of it junk, but occasionally something valuable), computer printouts, files waiting to be filed, notebooks full of notes from various conferences, and all sorts of miscellaneous bits and pieces of paper - scraps with important notes or phone numbers. My numerous filing cabinets (I count 15 filing cabinets of various sizes) are crammed with paper, which is one of the reasons why there is so much stuff on the surfaces.

When the computer first became the primary home office tool, one of the selling points was that it would cut down on paper files. In my experience, this has not turned out to be the case. After two or three disastrous computer crashes involving total wipe-outs of my C-Drive in a three-year period, I no longer depend on back-ups. Despite the fact that I do an automatic nightly backup of my C-Drive onto a separate drive, I still keep my important documents in paper form as well. I also print out lots of information from the Internet for my personal or professional research, because I'm not confident that I'll be able to find it again on the web if I go to look for it again down the road.

So, ever since I began my Letting-Go Experiment, in June of 2006, I had my eye on the ultimate prize - a clutter-free, highly functional office. The year came and went and the office was still cluttered and dysfunctional (and my business reflected this in some ways). So, I decided that de-cluttering my office would become my summer project. Well, not my "summer project" at first. My first goal was to complete the project in one week in June. I barely made a dent that week. Then the deadline was changed to the end of June. Then, the end of July. And a few days ago, I re-vamped this deadline once again.

Why? Because this is a project that kept throwing me into overwhelm. Every time I began, one thing led to another, such that nothing really got completed. I might work on the project for several hours and then feel as though I had nothing to show for my efforts. Office organization was on my To Do List every day, but I began to find myself procrastinating. I'd do anything else rather than tackle my office - clean out a closet, take a walk, do errands, read a book, take myself off to a movie, even pay bills (something else "painful" but yet less painful than organizing my office).

Finally, I decided to coach myself through this situation. If I were working with a client who had this challenge, what approaches might I suggest?

First, I asked myself, "Other than the obvious physical mess, what else might be blocking your efforts to clean this place up?"

Eventually, I got to the underlying emotional block. For the past year, I have been thinking about re-designing my business and taking it in some new directions. But I wasn't ready to make the decisions or the changes. So, my energy has been conflicted and scattered, and my office was reflecting this. And, I was hanging on to all my stuff, even things that were seriously outdated, "just in case" I might need them in a new endeavor. However, even though I now recognize that I am in transition in my business, and still have not made any firm decisions, I have come to understand that I cannot function well in chaos and I need to get my "career house" in order.

Next came the understanding that this office project is a large and complex one. I had been treating "de-cluttering my office" as a mini-goal, where in fact it is a Mega-Goal. I began to understand and accept that I could not complete this project in one day or one week or even one month unless this were a full-time job (which it cannot be).

So, then I did what I would encourage my clients to do with this Mega-Goal: I CHUNKED IT DOWN. [This is the main tip in this article!]

On my computer, I set out my Mega-Goal (De-Clutter and Organize My Office). Then I began breaking this Mega-Goal down into mini-goals: projects I could accomplish usually in 30 to 60 minutes - a few might take longer. I looked around my office in a circular direction and identified, listed, and defined each mini-project. Next to each, I put a check-box so that I could easily check each one off as it was completed. Altogether, this project chunked down into 50 mini-projects!

Almost immediately, I felt a sense of relief, and a relaxation of the muscles in my neck and upper back. I did not have to do everything at once. And I could experience a sense of accomplishment for each mini-goal along the way: 50 wins instead of just one!

I also gave myself a different timetable - a minimum of one mini-project a day. Some days, I only have time for one, but I can always find a half-hour to do a little one. Other days, I have time for two or three, or a more time-consuming one. A few, like sorting through old piles of mail, I can do while watching TV at night. So now, I have a more realistic and reasonable time goal: 50 days. Most likely, I will be done ahead of schedule.

Coaches often work with clients on creating SMART goals, these being ones that are:
S = specific
M = measurable
A = attainable
R = reasonable
T = time-related

Chunking this large goal, which was not SMART, into 50 mini-goals that are SMART, is already making all the difference.

So far, I have completed 5 of the 50 mini-projects, or 10% of my goal. Slowly, surfaces long-hidden are reappearing, and I am finding things I thought I'd lost. On the first day, I uncovered a refund check for $73.09 - found money!

And, best of all, my business is beginning to pick up. By about 10%, I figure. This would not come as a surprise to a Feng Shui practitioner, but it did to me - a very pleasant and welcome surprise. I can't wait to see what my business looks like in 50 days!

What is your next big project or Mega-Goal? How are you going about it? It gets much easier if you take it one small chunk at a time.

If you have had experiences similar to this one, I would enjoy hearing from you. And if my story has given you some ideas about how to approach a project that seems overwhelming to you, I would love hearing about that too.

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Although this Blog site is not set up to be interactive at this time, feel free to contact me with your comments.

Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

Year-long Letting Go Experiment Has Ended! Or Has It?

2007-06-23T06:18:00.001-04:00

June 10th, 2007 marked the end of my 365-day Letting Go Experiment. During that time, I released from my life, on average, one material or non-material item each day - or a total of 365 items!

Here's how I set up my experiment:

1. I kept a log, and recorded what I released and where it went.

2. I defined "items" as "mostly material things, but could also mean habits, behaviors, limiting beliefs, subscriptions, services, or even pounds of body weight".

3. I defined "Letting Go" as "selling, giving away, or disposing of the item, or stopping the beavior on a permanent basis".

4. I created a set of "rules" or guidelines:

A. Material items include: furnishings, household items, clothing, books, cosmetics and toileteries, weekly or monthly magazines, unopened food packages (or opened food packages that were sabotaging my healthy eating habits).

B. Material items do not include: daily newspapers, mail, junk mail, miscellaneous office papers (unless these are whole files, filled notebooks, or a full trashbag of said papers), most opened food packages or spoiled food, any normally disposable item (e.g. disposable razors and the like).

C. A pound of body weight does not qualify as an "item" until and unless the weight has been off for at least a month and is in connection with an intentional weight reduction program or process.

Now, for those of you who are interested in the details of this experiment, here are some stats I gleaned from my log, in terms of categories of items released:

*Books: 26
*Magazines: 66
*Cassette tapes: 31
*Papers/Paper Goods: 17
*Household items: 31
*Clothing & Accessories: 101
*Cosmetics/Sundries/Medications: 25
*Food & Supplements: 30
*Children's Stuff/Games: 4
*Office Supplies: 8
*"Big-ticket" items: 2
*Pounds of body weight: 10
*Other non-material items: 14

Perhaps the most interesting results are the non-material ones. The ten pounds of body weight are the result of my first six weeks on Weight Watchers. I have now let go of five more pounds, with quite a few more to go. Other releases included closing two credit card accounts and one magazine subscription, removing my name from a mailing list, and resigning from a project that was not working for me. Perhaps the biggest "letting go item" for me was releasing any residual feelings of anger or upset I may have been carrying towards my mother. (This was described in a previous blog, Letting Go Experiment: Month 11.)

This experiment brought me two major insights. The first one may not be a surprise to some of you: the physical act of letting go of clutter or other extraneous material items also had the effect of helping me to clear my mind and to release non-material attitudes, beliefs, emotions, behaviors, and the like that were also no longer serving me. I find that I have released some non-productive thoughts, expectations, beliefs, and behaviors that I haven't even recorded in my log, and this has truly been the best benefit of all.

The second insight is that although 365 items sounds like a lot of stuff, it's really not. I live in a relatively small space, and yet when I look around, my space does not appear any different than it did a year ago when I began this experiment. [And I have not added anything to replace what was released.] There are lots more books, magazines, tapes, kitchen items, clothes, knick-knacks, and stuff in storage closets still to be released. And one big project has not yet been started - the de-cluttering of my office. This is my next big push.

Most of all, letting go of all this stuff has given me room to breathe more deeply - both metaphorically and physically. I feel it in my body as a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual release. In general, my attitude this year has become lighter, more relaxed, more peaceful, more joyful. My health has improved, as have other areas of my life.

And so, I have decided to extend this experiment for another year, or as long as it takes to truly clear the material and non-material clutter from my life. Stay tuned!

I hope the sharing of this experiment has inspired you to let go of the "stuff" in your life that is no longer serving you. If you would care to share your letting-go experiences, I would love to read them.

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Although this Blog site is not set up to be interactive at this time, feel free to contact me with your comments.

Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

What's in a Name (or a Title)?

2007-05-30T06:19:00.001-04:00

Have you ever noticed that the titles of some self-help books can be a lesson in and of themselves? I buy a lot of books, including self-help books, and many have great titles. But there are a few whose titles so skillfully capture the author's message that you don't even have to read the books in order to integrate the author's wisdom in a deep and powerful way. Here are ten of my favorites. May their title messages empower you!

I'm O.K. - You're O.K. (Thomas Harris, Harper & Row, 1969)

Love is Letting Go of Fear (Gerald Jampolsky, Celestial Arts, 1979)

Don't Push the River (It Flows By Itself) (Barry Stevens, Real People Press, 1970)

Do What You Love and the Money Will Follow (Marsha Sinetar, Paulist Press, 1987)

Do What You Are (Paul Tieger & Barbara Barron-Tieger, Little, Brown, 2001)

Happiness is a Choice (Barry Neil Kaufman, Ballantine, 1991)

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff (Richard Carlson, Hyperion, 1997)

Relax, You're Already Perfect (Bruce Schneider, Hampton Roads, 2002)

How You See Anything is How You See Everything (Gail Van Kleeck, Andrews McNeil, 1999)

Simplify Your Life (Elaine St. James, MJF Books, 2001)

And if you want to delve beneath the surface of these wonderful titles, they would all make great summer reading. Enjoy!

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Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

Letting Go and Suze Orman

2007-05-28T09:46:00.001-04:00

What does letting go of material clutter have to do with creating wealth? Here's what I learned from Suze Orman.

The other day, I picked up and began reading Orman's book The Courage to Be Rich: Creating a Life of Material and Spiritual Abundance (Riverhead Books, 1999, 2002). I didn't get too far into it before I encountered Chapter 3, The Courage to Make Room for More Money. Immediately, Orman began introducing the concept of clearing away material clutter in order to make room for more abundance of every kind, including financial abundance. Because her discussion fits so well with my 365-day Letting Go Experiment, I paid particular attention to this chapter.

Orman talks about how clutter in our lives creates obstacles to financial wealth in a variety of ways:

--First of all, the material things we have purchased that we do not use represent money that was not spent in a carefully considered way - i.e. money wasted.

--Second, the clutter takes up space that could be used for other things. And consider the money that some of us spend to store items that we are not using in a storage facility.

--Third, clutter distracts us from what is important in our lives. And it slows us down.

--Fourth, clutter usually leads to messy financial practices - misplacing bills and not paying them on time, misplacing currency that lies scattered around the house, misplacing or losing important financial documents, not keeping checking, savings, and credit card accounts current and reconciled, not paying attention to credit card rules and terms, not paying attention to investments, or creating and building debt.

Orman proposes a exercise she titles Four Steps Towards Clarity (pp 52-55). Briefly summarized, this letting-go exercise goes as follows:

1. Go through your home, garage, etc. and find at least 25 items that you are willing to throw away - just discard completely. And toss them.

2. Go through your house again looking specifically for money - loose change and bills - that might be lying around, or hidden, or lost. Look in places like drawers, countertops, pants pockets, unused purses, in and under furniture, etc. (I found a $2-bill in an old purse. Orman says that most people end up finding much more than that.) Collect all that you find and put it in one container that you would think of as your jar or bowl of abundance. Place that abundance container near the area where you pay your bills.

3. Go through your house a third time and find 25 more items that you no longer want or use but that are still in good condition. Give those items away to a place or to a person that could really use them and would appreciate them.

4. Go through your house a fourth time and identify all the items that are especially precious to you, things you would never part with. Take time to reflect on these items and appreciate them.

So, embedded in this exercise is a process for letting go of at least 50 material items from your home. If you're not up for releasing 365 items in a year-long exercise, you could easily do this exercise and release 50 in one day. Suze suggests getting your entire household in on the exercise, including the kids.

I like this exercise because Orman takes us beyond the mere act of discarding things by encouraging us to think about how we sometimes waste money by purchasing things that we don't really need or don't serve us well - the clothes that never really fit right or flattered us and just sat in the closet, the food that sat in our refigerators until it spoiled and had to be thrown away, the gadgets that never worked right but we never returned or had repaired, etc. She also encourages us to really appreciate and prize the things that have served us well or are precious reminders of our past or are symbols of things we prize now or aspire to in the future. She teaches us to respect our money by using it wisely and well.

How could clearing out the clutter in your home open up the space for more wealth to flow into your life?

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Although this Blog site is not set up to be interactive at this time, feel free to contact me with your comments.

Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

Letting Go of Fear

2007-05-25T11:25:00.002-04:00

I want more LOVE in my life! More love shared with family and friends and perhaps even with that Special Someone I have yet to meet. More love of the work I do. More love of humanity, the earth, nature. More self-love. More love of LIFE!

As I meditated about what, if anything, might be blocking the flow of love in my life, the answer came to me: Fear. Yes, F-E-A-R (False Expectations Appearing Real).

Now, as the process of letting go and clearing the clutter out of one's life goes, releasing long-standing fears comes pretty high on the list of challenges.

Fear of what, you might ask.

We all have our own pet fears, generated from past experiences of one sort or another. You have yours; I have mine. Mine come, as most do, from childhood experiences, and the most obstacle-producing ones come as a doubled-edged sword: a fear of rejection and a fear of being trapped. These equal-but-opposite fears have created some real challenges in my life; they sometimes create a tremendous push-pull tension between the desire to engage and the desire to flee.

Then there are the bodily-harm-what-if-I-die fears, which, for me, mostly take the form of a fear of heights, thus preventing me from sky-diving, free-falling, bungee-jumping, tightrope walking, cliff climbing, trapeze flying, doing roof work, completing a high ropes course, painting above the first story of a building, hot-air ballooning, or flying in an airplane. This is mostly OK with me, as I have very little interest in any of these activities, except perhaps for hot air ballooning, which seems divine, and flying which I have done on occasion, both for business and for pleasure, despite my fears.

In terms of blocking our relationship to anything or anyone in life, Fear inserts iteself between you, or me, and the Other, and creates a host of barriers including guilt, anger, caution, doubt, distance, anger, withdrawal, judgement, misinterpretation, miscommunication, mistrust, refusal to cooperate, isolation, and inability to be intimate or to commit.

What might it be like, I wonder, to live a life free of most fears - especially those that are made up in our minds, have no relationship to the present moment and therefore are not real? How does one go about letting go of Fear? You can't just put it in the trash or give it to Goodwill or sell it on eBay or at a yard sale, now can you?

Then, I remembered a book I had read in the 70's, pulled it out of my bookshelves, and read it again. The title really says it all: Love Is Letting Go of Fear (by Gerald G. Jampolsky, original edition published by Celestial Arts in 1979).

Amazon.com describes this short (131-page) tightly written book this way: "An inspirational classic since 1979, LOVE IS LETTING GO OF FEAR remains one of the seminal works in the transpersonal movement." I agree that this book is a classic, every bit as wise and as timeless as it was when it was first published 28 years ago.

After devoting some pages in this book to exploring the ways in which fear inhibits the flow of love, Jerry Jampolsky provides a series of 12 daily lessons, which can be reviewed in a few minutes each day and repeated day after day until they become integrated into your life. These lessons are based upon some of the teachings contained within The Course in Miracles.

Some of the lessons are:
--Giving and Receiving are both acts of love.
--Forgiveness is the key to happiness.
--Letting go of judging anyone or anything is a way to inner peace.
--Staying in the moment almost always eliminates fear (fear is almost always based in the past or the future rather than in the present moment).
--Changing how you think about things is the key to letting go of fear.

So, in the abstract, Love is Letting Go of Fear. How does that translate to everyday life?

Here's an example from my life: I am working on a new work project for a client - a project I want very much to love and commit to. But those pesky fears are raising their nasty little heads and getting in the way. They have names like "fear of scarcity" and "fear of loss of control". I am a work-in-progress on this one. My intention is to work through and release these fears and have a joyful work experience. Time will tell.

What fears might you be ready to release? Perhaps Jampolsky's book could be your coach? What have you got to lose? No, a better question would be, what do you have to gain?

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Although this Blog site is not set up to be interactive at this time, feel free to contact me with your comments.

Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

Letting Go Experiment: Month 11

2007-05-14T10:22:00.000-04:00

As of May 10th, I have completed 11 of the 12 months in my year-long Letting Go Experiment. The BIG 365-day milestone is coming into view. And although I may be about to cross the finish line on this particular marathon experiment, I doubt that it will really be over for me on June 10th, for I still have a lot of letting go to do.

In the 11th month, about a third of the 30 items to be released were unopened cans and jars from my pantry that went to a food drive. Another two lines on my daily log were taken by the first two pounds I lost on the Weight Watchers program a month ago.

Another line went to my giving up the use of a brand of deordorant/anti-perspirant which I have depended on for years. This was letting go of a long-standing habit, as well as a material item. This product is very strong and is highly effective, but contains aluminum. I have heard for years that deodorants/anti-perspirants containing aluminum are not healthy for us, but have refused to do anything about it. Finally, I listened, tossed out my "old faithful" brand and replaced it with a healthier non-toxic, though less effective, brand. I think this move is allowing my body to release some toxic waste via my lymph glands, and thereby helping to cleanse my body. Old habits die hard, but I can tell that releasing this one will be worth the struggle.

This month, I still have a significant number of backlog lines that have not been filled, which is another way of saying that I am behind on my letting go of material items. But I am not sweating this (note the pun, re the above), since there is a significant rummage sale coming up in June, and I will be gathering all sorts of items to donate to that event.

As with other recent months, the most significant letting-go experiences have been, and continue to be, in the non-material realm. The most significant one of these is the letting go of fear. This is a BIG topic, and will be covered in a future blog.

Another non-material letting-go occured yesterday, on Mother's Day. This was the day when I released any remaining negative feelings I may have been holding toward my own mother, who passed away on September 2nd, 2003. It was suggested on one of Oprah's shows last week that we do more than give or send cards to our mothers, but that we actually write letters - letters that detail our appreciation and gratitude for all they do, or have done, for us. Although my mother passed away four years ago, I decided to write her a letter. And on Mother's day, I did. In that letter, I finally was able to see and accept her as she really was - with all her gifts and flaws - and not as I wanted her to be. I was finally able to take responsibility for my share of whatever breakdown there was in our relationship, and to not only accept and appreciate her for who she was, but also to accept and appreciate who I am - and to forgive us both for disappointing each other. What a HUGE letting-go this has been!

So, how about you? What have you released from your life this past month? What would you like to release in the near future? How will you do it? What's stopping you, if anything? And how will you overcome any resistance you may be feeling?

Remember the Nike ad: Just DO It!

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Although this Blog site is not set up to be interactive at this time, feel free to contact me with your comments.

Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

Letting Go Experiment: Month 10

2007-04-30T07:45:00.000-04:00

Recently, a friend who has been following my letting-go experiment in this blog said to me, "Wow, when this year is up, you will have released 365 things from your life. That's a lot of stuff!"

My friend is clearing her home (and barn) to move and was wondering where she would find that many things to let go of. I have found that it's really not that hard. At this point, I have released nine and a half months worth of stuff - approximately 285 items, about 95% of it "material" (as opposed to non-material items such as beliefs, habits, behaviors, negative thoughts, body weight, and the like). And yet, when I look around my home, it still looks as full of "stuff" as when I started.

There's a lot of "stuff" we accumulate that we never seem to use - in closets, drawers, cupboards, cabinets, and in boxes stuck away in attics and garages. Feng Shui practioners tell us that this excess "stuff" blocks the flow of energy in our homes, even if it is out of sight. [To me, there is a parallel between this blocked flow of chi energy in the home and the blocked energy we experience from excess stored fat that many of us carry on our bodies.]

What this experiment is revealing to me is that I accumulate much more "stuff" than I need, use, or really want. As I think of this, I begin to understand the correlation, for me, between accumulation of material things, accumulation of body weight, and the inability to accumulate money in savings. And I think, "Well, if I don't even notice or miss the 285-plus items I've released this year, then clearly I'm over-consuming "stuff" just like I've been over-accumulating stored energy in the form of pounds."

This month, material things I have released include more weekly magazines, some costume jewelry, a few small knick-knacks, a phone, and a lot of foodstufs from my pantry and refrigerator (including some unopened items that count for this experiment). But again, as in last month's report, the biggest victories have been in the non-material realm.

For one thing, I joined Weight Watchers this past month (hence the clearing out of foods in my kitchen) and have already let go of about 5 pounds. Although these lost pounds do not "count" in my experiment until they've been gone at least a month, they will show up in next month's count. But it's not just pounds I've lost, it's also some non-productive habits, a lot of resistance, and some developing health issues that seem now to be fading away.

What have you released from your life this month? I'd love to hear your story.

I leave you with these words of wisdom: Spend Calories; Save Money!

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Although this Blog site is not set up to be interactive at this time, feel free to contact me with your comments.

Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

Letting Go Experiment: Month 9

2007-04-04T08:46:00.000-04:00

I am discovering that there is a correlation between letting go of material things and letting go of mental and emotional "stuff" - ideas, beliefs, habits, patterns, automatic reactions and feelings. This month I am definitely behind in letting go of material things, but I've had some interesting experiences in the non-material realm, the most recent being in this past week building up to the release of my monthly e-newsletter.

I have been writing and sending out an electronic newsletter (LifeWork Letter) once a month for a year and a half now. And in all that time, no newsletter has come out late (i.e. after the month is over) - until now. This time, my March newsletter came out in April.

Now, I am usually very good about keeping to schedules and doing things on time. And I used to get anxious and upset if I thought I might be late for anything - a party, a date, a movie, a meeting with a client, a newsletter release. This time was different.

I attribute this difference to the letting-go "practice" I have been doing since last June. This time, as I got close to my end-of-the-month release deadline and found myself in a time crunch, I was able to let go of this deadline and of the anxiety and stress it would normally cost me to do this. I accepted the reality that getting this done by March 31st would be very stressful, and would require a significant loss of sleep, and so I just let go and said to myself, "Oh well, this month the March issue will be late - so late that it will come out in April. How can I turn this lemon into lemonade?"

My first idea was to bring the newsletter out on April 1st and call it an April Fool's joke. That seemed like good "lemonade" to me. I could have fun with that. But then, I had an important family committment on April 1st, so that plan didn't work out and the newsletter finally came out on the 2nd - almost at midnight.

So where's the "lemonade"? Well, for one thing there will be two newsletters in April, and this will be a great opportunity for me to continue my exploration On Being a Peaceful Warrior in a Part 2 issue. In addition, this letting-go experience has been a great lesson for me, and now I hope for you also.

Perhaps you'll have the opportunity to say "Oh, well..." and just let it go!

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Although this Blog site is not set up to be interactive at this time, feel free to contact me with your comments.

Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

Letting Go Experiment: Month 8

2007-02-18T11:56:00.000-05:00

I must confess that this month I am about 15 items behind in my one-a-day letting-go process. But that's not a problem, because I tend to let go of items in batches, as I go about sorting through closets, shelves, drawers, and other stashes of stuff. The hardest thing to let go of this month so far has been my subscription to Poets and Writers, a magazine that intriques me though I never seem to get around to reading it. Perhaps I'll pick it up again in a year or two when I have more time to devote to writing.

The best thing I did for myself this month in this Letting-Go Experiment involved a purchase rather than a discard. I have a huge problem with the rapid accumulation of junk mail that seems to land on my dining table, which is close to my front door. A couple of weeks ago, I purchased a shredder designed especially for the quick and convenient disposal of junk mail and other papers with personal information in them - mail that could compromise one's privacy. Well, I put this handy dandy shredder right near the table where I have been dumping my mail each day, and now I immediately go through the day's mail and run all the junk through the shredder.

What system do you use to handle your junk mail? How could a shredder help you conquer your clutter?

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Although this Blog site is not set up to be interactive at this time, feel free to contact me with your comments.

Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

Choice Point - Get a Job or Start a Business?

2007-01-25T15:48:00.002-05:00

So many people today face this decision at some point in their working life. Some right out of the gate, after high school or college. Some after being downsized or fired. Some in midlife, when a desire for change is at its peak. Some at retirement.

The question is: which is the best decision for You?

Not everyone is cut out to be an entrepreneur. There are many factors to consider. Some are internal, or are specific to you. Other factors are external, and are influenced by factors outside yourself, such as economics, business climate, competition, politics, family issues, social issues, finances, and other external factors.

In the next series of Blog articles, we will explore many different aspects of entrepreneurship and what it means to be an entrepreneur. We will start with some of the internal factors, such as personal qualities, risk tolerance, and financial readiness - all meant to help you answer the question, Is Entrepreneurship Right for Me?

Tackling this question, this decision, this choice point, reminds me of the Robert Frost poem, The Road Not Taken. It is a definite choice point in one's life - a decision as large as deciding to marry or to have children. It is a decision that deserves to be carefully considered, for entrepreneurship requires a strong committment. And perhaps, if you choose the entrepreneurial path, you will find yourself one day echoing Frost's words:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.

Letting-Go Experiment: Month 7

2007-01-16T13:49:00.000-05:00

As of January 10th, I have completed 7 months of my 12-month Letting-Go Experiment, in which I have committed to letting go of at least one thing (material item, behavior, practice, habit, etc) a day for a year. The list for that 30-day period contains several magazines and one magazine subscription. But the most significant letting-go activities were the ones related to my decision to downsize the Christmas holidays this year (described in the previous post, A Different Kind of Christmas).

Occasionally, I receive responses to my articles about this experiment, and this time I thought I would share one of them with you. This one was written by a family member and life coach living in Michigan:

I received your newsletter the other day, did a bit of poking around and discovered your blogs about your grand journey to let go. It struck a chord in me and I've thought about it several times since I read it. I, too, have a yearning to clear and simplify and it was inspiring to read about your experiences over the past several months.

I recently moved from a downtown office into a newly-created home office, and in the process got rid of several oversized, unneeded pieces of furniture, old files, etc. As you've found with letting go of some of your old stuff, it wasn't easy for me to say goodbye to a roll-top desk we've had for years (collecting dust and serving as a great storage place for anything that didn't have a 'home') and a Lazy Boy recliner that took up too much space but reminded me of an old chair I had growing up. Once they were gone I felt that both the room and I could breathe.

As I schlepped box after box of stuff from my old office, I made the vow that I would only put things I absolutely loved into my new office space. How fun looking at old books, doo-dads, etc. and hoisting any and all that had the slightest bit of negative energy attached. I am now working in a space that is lovely, and as I look around the room at the things on my bookshelves, etc., I feel a sense of delight.

Now, for the rest of the house. I, like you, struggle with the "what-if's" of so many things in closets, attics, basement, corners, etc. - what if I need it next week, month, year - and so I'm overwhelmed with stuff. I realize, however, as you've so eloquently spoken to, that this stuff and my hanging on represents the clutter in my mind, body and spirit, and it also shows me how much I am hanging on to old patterns and thoughts. It's time to clear, however, and like you, I yearn for clarity, simplicity, and a fresh breeze blowing through how I live, work, and play. Thank you for your inspiration to continue towards that vision.

Notice the parts of her sharing that I highlighted in boldface: I felt that both the room and I could breathe. and I feel a sense of delight. These are the true rewards and benefits of streamlining and de-cluttering your space and your life.

Do you have a story to share?

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Although this Blog site is not set up to be interactive at this time, feel free to contact me with your comments.

Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

A Different Kind of Christmas

2006-12-31T11:47:00.001-05:00

For me, in the past, the entire holiday season, from Thanksgiving right through the New Year holiday, has been stressful - full of deadlines, too many things to do, financially draining, tiring, too many expectations, too much food, too much stuff. Many of you, I know, have gone through this too.

This year was different. It had a lot to do with the year-long Letting-Go Experiment that I have been doing. This year, I decided to downsize and de-stress the holidays. And this year, I had a wonderful and relaxing holiday season.

Just what was different? Here's my list:

1. Entertaining - this was the first year since I was married in the 60's that I was not the hostess for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and one of only a few times that I was not the hostess for Thanksgiving or any other large holiday gathering. This year, I was a guest instead. Until this year, I didn't fully appreciate how much work it is to host one of these holiday gatherings. I just did it. The absence of doing it created a lot more time for relaxation and a whole lot less stress.

2. Gifts - after talking it over with friends and family, I pared my gift list way down. My friends and I mutually agreed not to exchange gifts, but to go out for celebratory meals or to the movies instead. My family and I agreed to cut down the number and cost of the gifts we exhange and to forego doing Christmas stockings. This made for a much less stressful Christmas financially. Some of the money saved was given to charity.

3. Christmas cards - in past years, I have sent out over 150 cards during the holidays, as well as writing and sending a Christmas letter. This year, I did not do the letter, and sent only a few cards (most of those late) in response to the ones I received. This is normally one of my favorite holiday activities. I love being in touch with people at this time of year, reading their news and sharing mine. But this year, I let myself off the hook in terms of deadlines. I decided instead to take time in January to be in touch with these people, at my leisure.

4. Christmas tree - this year, for the first year ever, I decided not to have a Christmas tree. I did put out a few simple yet festive decorations - a door wreath, a poinsettia plant, a pine arrangement, lots of candles. I thought I would miss the tree. Even thought I might give in at the last moment and put one up. But I did not, and, strangely, I did not miss it. And I certainly didn't miss the work of setting it up and taking it down.

5. Food and drink - in past years, I have overdone cooking, baking, and eating, and have gained weight. This year, I took the emphasis off of food and drink and onto other things instead. (And actually lost a pound or two.) I only baked once - the traditional Buche de Noel we have enjoyed in our family every year on Christmas Day. No cookies, candy, pastries, etc. If we needed them (and we usually didn't), I bought them. I had eggnog, my favorite holiday drink, only once - at someone else's home. Tomorrow, New Year's Day, will be an exception, as I participate in an extravagent New Year's Day Brunch at the Stage Neck Inn in York, Maine, which has been a tradition with friends for more than 15 years.

6. Relaxation and enjoyment - This year, I decided to enjoy the holiday season by doing fun, non-material things. I love music and singing, so I sang in a holiday concert and in our town's Christmas pageant. I took rides to see the colorful holiday lights, but left my own window candles and most of my other decorations in the closet this year. I did a lot of walking. I window-shopped in our delightful town of Rockport, enjoying the ambience of the season; I avoided the malls. I spent time playing with my granddaughter. I partied with good friends, yet let some social events go. Christmas Day at my son's house was low-key, relaxing, and fun. We de-emphasized gifts and food and played more instead, taking a beautiful walk in nature and playing the Disney version of Scene-It.

I can't think of any way to spend the holidays that would be more relaxing and less stressful than it was this year, unless we ignored them altogether (which can also be stressful) or went on a cruise where we were waited on hand and foot. (Well, maybe next year?)

I hope your Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Solstice, Kwanzaa, and New Year's holidays were joyful, peaceful, relaxing and devoid of stress. If they were not, what might you do differently next year?

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Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

Letting Go Experiment: Month 6

2006-12-31T10:44:00.000-05:00

It has now been six and a half months since I began my year-long Letting-Go Experiment. This means that since June 15th, 2006, I have released almost 200 material or non-material things from my life. I keep a daily log of what I have released, and it is impressive. In fact, I have already released enough things so that my list is filled through mid-January. Yet, when I look around my still-full four-room apartment, I can hardly tell the difference. This says something about the amount of either clutter or excess unnecessary items I possessed last June and still possess today. I wonder what will be different when I reach the one-year mark in mid-June. Will my home look significantly less cluttered? Will my non-material life also be less cluttered? Perhaps I will need to continue the experiment for a second year?

The big thing I am noticing about this experiment is how the process of releasing material things from my life is carrying over into my life in other ways. Take Christmas, for example. This experiment had a big impact on how I chose to spend the holidays this year. Read my Blog article, A Different Kind of Christmas, to see how this experiment changed the way I experienced the holidays this year.

This extended de-cluttering activity is an aspect of Feng Shui in the Chinese tradition. In the eyes of a Feng Shui practioner, de-cluttering your environment allows energy (known as Chi or Qi) to flow more freely through your space, thereby unblocking the stuck places in various aspects of your life. The very act of releasing all the excess "stuff" from your life extends naturally from material items to non-material things, such as releasing extra activities from your schedule, unnecessary or toxic thoughts from your mind, excess pounds from your body, old behaviors and habits no longer useful, and other such "deadwood" from your life.

For me, letting go of material things is getting easier and easier, as I come to understand more and more that I don't really need most of the things I own. I like many of them, enjoy them, appreciate them. But I don't NEED them. As a young mother, I used to go camping with my family a lot. We camped very simply, with a small tent and the bare necessities - only what we could fit in the trunk of our car, for three people. (No RV, camper wagon, TV, bug zapper, etc.). I remember thinking then, "this is all we need for survival. The rest is just gravy."

The act of releasing all these things is also bringing me closer to the Buddhist practice of non-attachment. The purpose of non-attachment, in the Buddhist tradition, is to help us live in the now, in the moment, without attachment to the past or to the future. This also frees up our energy to respond authentically in the moment. As I let go of more and more things, habits, thoughts, behaviors, and the like, I am beginning to get much clearer about what is important to me and what is not. I am not yet at the point where I live consistently in the moment. I don't spend much time in the past. It is over and I have, for the most part, let it go. But I do love to live in the future, in a world of possibility. For example, I do play the Lottery, dream of winning HGTV''s 2007 Dream Home, and imagine myself as a successful published novelist. Letting go of the attachment to the future is my biggest attachment challenge.

What about you? What are you attached to? What is easy to release from your life, and what is more challenging to release? And how do you feel when you finally release a significant piece of Life's clutter? I hope that by de-cluttering your life and practicing non-attachment, you will feel freer, lighter, more spontaneous and authentic, more connected, and more joyful.

Happy New Year! Here's to a year of letting go!

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Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

Roots and Wings

2006-12-17T16:00:00.001-05:00

Two of the most basic needs we humans have are the need for security and the need for freedom - roots and wings. Security - our roots - can be experienced and expressed in many forms, such as home, hometown, family, friends, money, a staff job with benefits. Freedom - our wings - can also be experienced and expressed in many forms, such as travel, job-hopping, freelancing, entrepreneurship, financial freedom, the single life.

Though we all need both roots and wings, the relative importance of each may weigh in differently for each of us. One of our life challenges is to know ourselves well enough to know how much we need of each and how to create a life of roots and wings with just the right balance for our own unique self. No two people are exactly alike. Do you know what your unique balance is?

Imagine or draw a scale, or continuum, that goes from zero to ten. [This is not a scale where 10 has the highest value. Here, it is just a number.] At the left end, or at 0, is the word "roots". At the right end, or at 10, is the word "wings". Ask yourself, "where do I fit on this continuum between the need for security (roots) and the need for freedom (wings)?" Without thinking too hard about this, close your eyes and let a number between 0 and 10 come to you. Trust your intuition to give you the answer that best fits you.

Where do you fall on the continuum? And how does this answer match the life you are currently living? If it is not a close match, what might you do to re-design your life to more closely reflect your needs for roots and/or wings?
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This article is adapted and republished from the workbook Designing Your Life: A Life/Work Empowerment Program, (c)2001 - 2006 by Connie Komack/LifeWork Enterprises.

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Email: connie@conniekomack.com
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Letting Go Experiment: Month 5

2006-11-28T06:43:00.000-05:00

I have now completed a little more than five months of my yearlong letting-go experiment. This month I have not been rigorous about letting go of one item or behavior each day, and there are empty spaces yet to be filled in my daily log.

However, I have noticed lately that some changes are taking place in my mental attitudes. For example: I sing in a choral group, and since August we have been preparing for a holiday concert that we finally presented last weekend. In the past, in rehearsals, I have been very concerned with getting the notes right, being on pitch, making all my entrances, not making any mistakes. As a result, I have been nervous and uptight, and rehearsals were, for me, exhausting and not much fun.

But this time, I let go of all that - the need to be right, the expectation of perfection. I just immersed myself in the music. I let myself go, diving into the singing with enthusiasm, holding nothing back. I was willing to go for it and make mistakes. The result? I sang better! I actually made fewer mistakes, and when I did make one, I just treated it as a learning experience and moved on quickly. I came home from rehearsals energized rather than drained. I experienced what it meant to make a "joyful noise".

I notice this internal or attitudinal "letting go" happening in other ways too. What I am learning from this experiment is that when you begin to let go of the clutter in your outer, material, life you also find yourself, almost without realizing it, letting go of your inner mental clutter as well.

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Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

Exercising Your Mind

2006-11-27T09:00:00.001-05:00

We all know that our bodies need exercise on a regular basis. But what about our minds? I never realized how much my mind needed exercising until recently, when I had the following experience.

For the past five weeks, I have been doing full-time temp work as an Administrative Assistant in the Purchasing Department of a local engineering and manufacturing company - a side trip I took to help me solve a cash flow issue in my business. Now that this job is completed, I realize how good it was for me - how much it stretched and exercised my brain. The job required some computer skills, which I had, and it required attention to detail, organization, and the use of memory, logic, focus, and self-discipline.

Could this job have been any further from my profession as a coach, speaker, and writer? For those of you who are familiar with the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) - an instrument that assesses personality type and cognitive style - you will understand when I say that this job is best suited to an ISTJ, which I think most people in the department probably are, though I did not test them. (ISTJ stands for Introverted/Sensate/Thinking/Judging). I am an INFP (which stands for Introverted/Intuitive/Feeling/Perceiving). Trust me when I say that, except for the introverted piece, these personality/cognitive styles are total opposites. An ISTJ is a person who, as an introvert, is content to work alone for long periods of time. I had this trait in common with most of the other people in the department. He or she is also logical, rational, analytical, focused, detail-oriented, well-organized, non-emotional and even-tempered. This is a "just-the-facts-Jack" kind of person.

Now, as an INFP (actually, with an E/I split and a P/J split), I tend to be quite different from this most of the time - a creative, imaginative, intuitive, and non-linear thinker, strongly influenced by my feelings, sometimes organized and sometimes not. Furthermore, I wouldn't list my memory as one of my strongest attributes.

Despite these contraindications for this job, I actually took to it like a duck to water. This job challenged me. It required that I focus, concentrate, pay attention to detail, and be highly organized and efficient. It tapped into a part of my mind that is underused - underexercised, if you will. It forced me to learn new things, to remember and master a lot of information, to do tasks in a linear and timely manner, to stay focused and limit distractions, to strive for both speed and accuracy. It exercised and stretched some underutilized aspects of my mind and toned up some underdeveloped behavioral patterns. And so I come out of this experience stronger for it, and in a better position to tackle the next projects before me in my business.

Now, I better understand it when people say that the secret to staying young is keeping your mind active, or the foundation principle we learned in our coach training, "We either grow or we die."

What can you do to exercise your mind? My mother-in-law, who recently passed away at the age of 97, kept her mind active and exercised by doing crossword puzzles daily. For those who prefer numbers, we now have Sudoku. What about taking a class in a subject you've never before studied, or learning a new language, or taking up a new hobby, such as painting, writing, dancing, singing, or learning to play a new instrument? Or, how about taking on a new job or project that you've never done before?

It's time for a tuneup of the mind. How will you tune up yours?

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Although this Blog site is not set up to be interactive at this time, feel free to contact me with your comments.

Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

Letting Go Experiment: Month 4

2006-10-21T09:39:00.000-04:00

It has now been 4 months and 9 days since I began my year-long letting-go experiment. I am still managing to find one thing per day to release from my life. I am now one-third of the way through this experiment, and I am still nowhere near being clutter-free, though this is my goal.

This past month, the focus of my letting-go project was on clothing. In an earlier Blog (Letting Go - Clearing the Clothes Closet), I described my criteria and strategies for approaching this task. This past month, half the items on my daily log were items of clothing. Other items included foods, suppplements, a few books, a couple of summer outdoor decorations, and some miscellaneous household items.

Letting go of the 15 clothing items was an interesting process. A few pairs of pants did not fit well, and I chose to have them altered rather than give them away. Some items easily fit my criteria and were easy to release. However, a few were not so easy to part with. For example, two top quality professional suits were ultimately donated to a women's Dress for Success clothing drive, after some resistance and a bit of internal dialogue. Normally, I would have held on to these suits for a long time because they were expensive to purchase and I felt that I "should" wear them. However, with each of these items, something was preventing me from wearing them - size, color, fit, or how I felt in them. When I realized that someone else could really use these suits that were languishing in my closet, it became much easier to part with them.

This month, I also learned two more things:

(1) Making a purchasing mistake is not a reason to hang on to an item that is cluttering up your space. Either return it, sell it, or give it away.

(2) "Should" is not a reason to hang on to anything, whether it be a material item or a habit or behavior.

I am already about one-third of the way into Month 5. So far, the theme seems to be foods and eating habits. Tune in at the end of Month 5 (mid-November) to read more about it.

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Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

A Choice: Bloom or Wither in the Bud?

2006-10-06T06:22:00.001-04:00

I love flowers! The other day, I purchased a bouquet of fall flowers from the supermarket. The bouquet was mostly a mixture of pink asters, lavender heather, and some feathery greens. However, in the midst of this bouquet, there was one beautiful long-stemmed rose, in perfect bud about to open. The petals were a creamy white, veined and edged with pink.

The rose is one of my very favorite flowers. To me, it symbolizes many things, including beauty, grace, elegance, romance, love, possibility, and the unfolding of one's full potential.

I decided to remove the rose from the bouquet and place it in its own special vase. Then, I eagerly awaited the unfolding and blooming of this gorgeous bud.

The thing is, it never blossomed. As I write this, I am looking at this tight white rosebud, now with faded pink edges, dried up and withering on its stem. It will never open, unfold, be splendid in its fullness.

I remember thinking about the life cycle of the rose many years ago, when I was in a women's group and the facilitator led us through a guided meditation in which we imagined ourselves as a flower. I had chosen to imagine myself as a long-stemmed red rose. As I visualized the bud forming on the end of the stem, grow larger, become an exquisite bud just starting to unfold, I felt great joy and a sense of anticipation. I continued to imagine the bud opening, as if in time-lapse photography, until it was fully open and at the peak of its magnificence. It was breathtaking. Then, I continued watching as the rose continued to open beyond its peak and the petals began to drop, one by one, and the remains of the flower began to wither and dry up. At that point, I began to feel both sad and scared, as I fully grasped not only the life cycle of the rose but the life cycle of all living things, including me.

The first time after that experience that I observed a rosebud that had withered and died before it opened, I imagined that perhaps it was afraid to open because it didn't want to fade, lose its petals, and die. But the irony was that it did fade, wither, and die anyway. It just never got to be glorious in all its fullness.

How are people like roses? We all start out as the budding rose, preparing to bloom in all our splendor. And some of us do just that. Sadly, many of us do not. Some get picked early or nipped in the bud by frost. And some buds never do open; they just wither on the stem without ever blooming.

Somehow, all this pondering led me to think about two actresses who reminded me of roses. One is Marilyn Monroe, who died in full bloom, and thus never got to be old or withered. Some theorize that she took her life for just this reason - so that she would always remain in people's memories at the peak of her blooming. (I have a different theory about her death, but that is beside the point.) Another is Elizabeth Taylor, a most magnificent rose, who is allowing herself to go full cycle. And then I thought of people I know - friends, family, clients, colleagues, and, yes, even myself - who hold something in themselves back from life and living and don't allow themselves to flower fully into their most magnificent selves. And I wonder: Is this holding back all about the fear of aging and/or dying? Do some people, like the withered, tightly-closed rosebud in the vase on my desk, hold onto their petals so fiercely, for fear of losing them, that they never allow themselves their moment in the sun?

Finally, I get it. Whether we bloom or not, we will eventually age and die. Holding tightly to the bud stage will not prevent this, or even forestall it.

So, here's the choice then: Would you rather bloom fully, knowing that you would eventually lose all your petals, or hold on tightly as a rosebud, full of promise, but never reaching your full potential? Isn't that a choice we all have to make? Maybe more than once? Maybe daily?

What's your choice?

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Although this Blog site is not set up to be interactive at this time, feel free to contact me with your comments.

Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

Coming Unstuck: A Sailing Metaphor

2006-10-05T13:53:00.001-04:00

Have you ever been in a position where you have had a big decision to make, and found yourself stuck and unable to make it? This decision might lead to the kind of change that would alter your life in big, and largely unforseeable, ways. We're talking about BIG decisions - like whether or not to take or leave a job, change careers, start or close a business, get married or divorced, start a family, retire or not, move to another part of the country or to another country, enlist in the armed forces or join the Peace Corps.

Perhaps you were faced with an array of choices and couldn't narrow them down to THE one? Or perhaps you were faced with two strongly compelling choices pulling on you in equal but opposite directions, and you felt immobilized in an inner tug of war? Or perhaps no choice is all that compelling and you cannot find your direction at all?

The net result is that you find yourself unable to make a move in any direction. You begin to shut down. You lose energy and all momentum for change. You just drift, directionless, letting the currents take you where they will. People close to you begin to worry and to give you labels like depressed, lazy, drifter.

This has happened to me more than once. In fact, it is happening to me now, as I contemplate a move to another state.

I have learned to embrace these times. I'm no longer afraid of them. Robert Persig says, in his book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: "Drifting is what ones does when looking at lateral truth." What I have been doing these past few months is looking at lateral truth - another way of saying "exploring options and multiple possibilities".

I love to sail and used to do it quite frequently in the summer. And here are some things I have learned from sailing that apply to this business of drifting, getting stuck, and coming unstuck.

Many years ago, I went on a week-long windjammer cruise on the schooner Mary Day out of Camden, Maine. We started out in a brisk wind that quickly and unexpectedly developed into a rain squall. The squall passed within a short time and by nightfall we were safely ensconced in a new harbor. The next day, we had sunshine and a fair wind. In the course of the week, we sailed under a variety of conditions: sunshine, rain, fog; heavy wind, light wind, no wind; hot, cold. The only constant was change.

One day, we were becalmed. It was sunny and hot, but there was no wind - zero...nada. And this windjammer had only a small motor that was used exclusively for navigating small harbors and for docking and undocking. It did not carry enough fuel to get us very far. So, we drifted on the ocean that day, using neither sails nor engine, and we passed the time sunbathing on the deck and swimming in the icy Maine waters. The crew members gave each other haircuts and did some projects. The cook outdid himself for dinner that evening. The 28 guests read, napped, played guitars and sang, and got to know each other better. At the end of this long day of "going nowhere", some of the guests began to get restless, either out of boredom or anxiety. "When is the wind going to pick up?" they would ask the captain. The captain would just shrug his shoulders and answer, "when it does". Though he did have a radio and did listen to the weather forecasts, he prefered to have his guests experience the rhythm of life at sea, as it was before the time of radios and such.

Eventually, the next morning, the wind did pick up and we were off again. The period of being becalmed, and possibly stranded, was over. It was then that I really began to understand that Life is made up of all kinds of weather and NONE of it lasts forever, neither the calm nor the storm, the sun nor the rain, the hot nor the cold. Now, when I find myself becalmed in my life, with no wind in sight, I have learned to trust those downtimes - those "doldrums" - and to rest and relax my way through them.

Another thing I've learned from sailing is how to "get out of irons". When a sailboat heads directly into the wind, the sails are unable to catch the wind, and thus to propel the boat forward. The boat stops dead in the water. If the wind is very strong, the boat may even be pushed backwards a little, just from the pressure of the wind on the bow and the mast. This condition of heading directly into the wind and therefore being unable to move forward is called "being in irons". Now, perhaps you have set a course and your destination is exactly in the direction where the wind is coming from. If you head your boat directly toward that destination, the boat goes nowhere. In order to get out of irons, the skipper must move the rudder to one side or the other and change the heading of the boat. Now, the boat is no longer heading for the course destination, but the sails again fill with wind and the boat moves ahead, gaining speed and momentum. This maneuver is called tacking. And when you are heading for a destination directly "upwind", it is necessary to tack back and forth in a zig-zagging pattern until you reach your destination.

Coming unstuck from the immobilizing place of being unable to make a big decision often involves a psychological maneuver that is very much like tacking to get out of irons. You make a choice - any choice - left or right, port or starboard, yes or no, this or that - and you begin to catch some wind (get energized) and gain some momentum (begin taking action of some kind). You are out of the doldrums, out of depression, out of a drifting pattern. Now you are heading somewhere. It might not be your intended destination. But when you are in motion, it is easier to find the wind and tack again and again, while plotting your new course.

The bottom line: Give yourself permission to drift while looking at lateral truth and to get yourself unstuck and out of irons by making a decision - any decision, even the "wrong" one - thereby building up the energy and momentum you need in order to chart and follow a new course.

In transitional situations like this, I find it helpful and motiviating to recall Helen Keller's oft-quoted words: "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." What kind of adventure is your life shaping up to be?

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Letting Go - Clearing the Clothes Closet

2006-10-03T07:54:00.001-04:00

For all that I've been writing lately on letting go, de-cluttering, and organizing, you would think that I am an organizational consultant rather than a Life/Work Coach! There is a method to my madness!

This past weekend, I focused on my clothing. I went through my clothes piece by piece, trying on many things. I sorted through everything I own - outfits and accessories for all of the seasons. I made some rules for myself - some criteria by which I would decide whether to pitch or keep each piece. Here is my list:

1. Does it fit well? (If it doesn't, have it altered or let it go.)

2. Does it look good on me? (If no, let it go.)

3. Is it in my color palette? (If no, let it go.)

4. Have I worn it in the past year? (If no, let it go. Special-occasion clothes can be exempt, but clothes that don't fit anymore but might again someday are not.)

5. Is it dirty or in need of repair? (Clean it, fix it, or toss it.)

6. Is it in fashion? (If no, is it timeless? If still no, let it go.)

7. Is it relevant to my current lifestyle? (If no, let it go.)

and the clincher...

8. Does it bring me joy?

The results?

Although I was not brutally honest about all things, and did hold on to three pieces that do not fit now but that I still hope will fit someday, I still managed to let go of about 15% of my current wardrobe - all items that were taking up space but were never worn. About half a dozen items were good enough to be placed in a consignment shop. A lot more went to another resale shop as donations. Two bathing suits and a few items of underwear were tossed. One pair of slacks was repaired. Three items went to the dry cleaners and several more were washed. Three pairs of slacks were brought to a seamstress for alterations. And one pair of favorite shoes is about to go a cobbler for new insoles.

And one final result: Yesterday (Monday), I was filled with energy all day. I got many, many tasks accomplished. I felt lighter and freer. This was the result I was hoping for! May it last and last!

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A Transition Coach in Transition

2006-09-24T11:45:00.001-04:00

Transition coaching is my speciality as a Life/Work Empowerment Coach. I coach people who are facing, or are in the midst of, a variety of life, career, or business transitions - people such as:

- College students (and others) wanting to answer the question "What do I want to do when I grow up?"
- Stay-at-home moms wanting to go back to work or start a business
- Men and women who have been downsized, fired, laid off - or have quit in frustration - who want support during a job search or who want to figure out what they REALLY want to do
- People who want to give their lives a complete makeover and want to redesign their total lives; people who want to create and live the life of their dreams, a life that will bring fulfillment and joy
- People relocating geographically who want to get support with planning and executing the move
- People in relationship transitions such as: creating or dissolving of a committed relationship, marriage, birth and family growth, separation, divorce, illness and health crises, and death of a spouse or loved one
- People in a life passage transition - such as mid-life, empty nest, or retirement - who are asking the question, "Ok, so what's next in my life or career or business?"
- People who are asking the deep, soul-searching questions such as: What is my Calling? What is my true Purpose in life? What am I most Passionate about? And how can I live my passion? What are my core Values and Priorities and how can I live my life in alignment with those values and priorities? Who am I, really, at the deepest levels? How will I make a difference in my life?

OK, now having said all that, what happens when a Transition Coach such as myself finds herself in transition? I am in the midst of what I would call a "mega-transition" - one that involves several life and career changes all at the same time.

First, let me say that the reason I am drawn to serving people in transition is that I have been through many, many transitions myself - career and business transitions, relationship transitions, geographical relocation transitions, health transitions, life passage transitions. In the course of all these transitions, I have learned many, many things that are useful to others.

I have also learned this from my experience: A time of transition - and the more challenging the better - is also a time of tremendous personal and/or professional growth. Transition is a catalyst for a cauldron of possibility that can lead to quantum change. It can be a time of profound transformation.

Transitions often create anxiety and fear. Fear of the unknown is normal and natural. My clients experience this, and so do I. Having gone through a number of life and work transitions, I now know that - scary as it is - a transition is the best thing that could happen to me, or to you. When you begin to view a transition as an opportunity, rather than as a threat, the fear lessens, blocks dissolve, and great things begin to happen.

So, how does a Transition Coach get through a transition, especially a "mega-transition"?

By getting help, support, and information, same as my clients do. I work with a trusted coach, a peer support group, a business master-mind group. I enlist the help of friends and family members. I read books, articles. I attend networking meetings, workshops, seminars, and inspirational talks. I research and get information, so that I can make informed choices. I sort things out by writing in my journal, meditating, and taking long walks. I work on eliminating clutter - material and non-material - from my life. I try out some things. And I am suppported by knowing that once I am through this latest transition, I will have even more to offer my clients and my readers.

So, if you, too, are in the midst of a transition, large or small, what are some things you could do that will help you make use of this "cauldron of possibility" to create significant growth and change in your life, career, or business?

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Although this Blog site is not set up to be interactive at this time, feel free to contact me with your comments.

Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

Getting Organized

2006-09-23T10:38:00.001-04:00

For the past few months, the theme of many of my blog articles has been on letting go and clearing up the clutter in my life. This all goes hand-in-hand with getting organized. Now, normally, I'm a pretty organized person, and most of the rooms in my home reflect this. But my office is another story. In this room, stuff piles up and often it takes me a long time to find the information I need to find. I feel frustrated and blocked. And this has been happening despite the fact that I have had excellent consultations with professional organizer, Nancy Black (www.organizationplus.com), and with Feng Shui and Nurturing Spaces consultant, Linda Varone (www.lindavarone.com), and I have implemented many of their suggestions.

As I have learned from professional organizers, Feng Shui practitioners, psychologists, and other coaches, this state of clutter and disorganization, particularly in a person who is not chronically disorganized, indicates that something else is afoot. In my case, it reflects the fact that I am going through some transitions in both my business and in my life in general. [More about this in the next blog article - A Transition Coach in Transition].

Two days ago, I attended a women's networking meeting in my area (North Shore Women in Business). The speaker was Marilyn Paul, Ph.D. Her topic: It's Hard to Make a Difference When You Can't Find Your Keys. (Also the title of her book; citation below.) A gifted and inspiring speaker, Dr. Paul worked with us to address the underlying causes of disorganization and to develop a strong motivation or purpose for overcoming our blocks to change and then to doing the work of changing our habits.

Though this is a major oversimplification, Dr. Paul breaks out the process of organizing into three basic steps:

1. Get to "Ready": This basically means doing the psychological work of understanding what's behind the disorganization: handling limiting beliefs and other blocks, visioning the desired change, identifying the purpose and motivation for change, and then making a committment to take action. [This is where coaches really come in handy!]

2. Build Workable Systems: Develop ways to eliminate clutter and become organized that organically suit who you are. [This is where professional organizers really come in handy!]

3. Create New Habits: Start taking the new action(s) and keep doing it/them long enough to replace your old habits with new ones. [It is said that habit change of any kind requires a minimum of 21 days of doing the new habit. Often it takes longer. This is another place where coaches can help to solidify the change!]

There are a lot of concrete suggestions for handling these three phases in her book, and I cannot wait to complete it! Here is the full citation:

Paul, Marilyn. It's Hard to Make a Difference When You Can't Find Your Keys: the Seven-Step Path to Becoming Truly Organized. Viking Compass/Penguin Group, 2003.

In terms of clearing clutter, here's a tip I overheard in a conversation after the speech was over: When going through your belongings with the question, "Do I keep this or not?", here are two questions to ask yourself:
1. Is this relevant to my life now?
2. Does this bring me joy?
If the answer to either of these questions is no, pitch it!

If you are dealing with issues of clutter or disorganization, what might be your first step towards change?

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Letting Go Experiment: Month 3

2006-09-19T13:39:00.000-04:00

It has now been 3 months and 5 days since I began my year-long experiment in letting go. This past month has been more challenging than the previous two, and I must confess that there are a few blank lines in my daily Letting-Go Log. [I intend to fill them in, retroactively.]

This experiment has some similarities to the process of dieting. In dieting, the first few pounds, in the first few weeks, seem to come off fairly easily - a phenomenon reminiscent of the job practice of "last hired, first fired". These are the "excess water" pounds or the most recently added adipose pounds - they haven't been there long and the body hasn't become too attached to them. After this, dieting becomes progressively more challenging until you ultimately reach that place where, in your mind, there are just a few pounds to go. The body clings to these last few pounds most stubbornly. After that, I suppose - though I have never experienced this myself - if you keep going you enter the land of the anorexic and begin to let go of things your body really needs in order to function well and be healthy.

Well, in terms of this metaphor, I have passed the "excess water weight" portion of this letting go experiment and am into tackling the excess fat cells - still quite far from burning muscle or going anorexic. But even here, I am encountering a kind of emotional and behavioral resistance that reminds me of my dieting days.

I am getting much better at quickly disposing of daily newspapers and junk mail, but still tend to hold onto magazines and "gray-area" mail (items I want to look over someday, but not now) too long. I still have a strong resistance to letting go of any books (and I've got LOTS of those!) unless I happen to have duplicate copies. I am getting better about letting go of clothes, though I still have many items in my closet that I have not worn in over a year. [To my credit, however, are these items on my list for this month: 2 almost-new and expensive pant suits that I am donating to a Dress for Success clothing drive this week. They are well-made and ideal for some business situations, but either they don't fit well or the color doesn't look good on me. In past years, I have held on overly long to items like this. They sit in my closet, unworn. Because of this experiment, I am able to cut this cycle short and let go much sooner.]

The things I am having the most difficulty letting go of, this month, are non-material. This month, I celebrated a milestone birthday, which has generated some fear, worry, upset about aging, and resistance to change. [Yes, even Life Coaches go through passges and transitions and encounter these issues. That's one reason why coaches have coaches!] Letting go of fear, worry, and resistance to change tops the list of challenges for me this month in my year-long Letting-Go Experiment.

I have thought about these challenges in letting go, and have identified three things that are helping me through this process:

1. I know (from previous experiences) that times of transition and change are also the best opportunities for growth, deepening wisdom, and fulfillment. This gives me hope and the confidence to continue.

2. In this experiment, I find that I feel lighter and clearer each time I let go of something I no longer need or want. This motivates me to do more of the same.

3. I have a wonderful coach who is supporting me through this transition.

What fears, worries, resistances, limiting beliefs, or other blocks to fulfillment are you experiencing right now? And what strategies are you using to move through them?

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Success and Fulfillment: What Has Support Got to Do With It?

2006-09-06T11:42:00.001-04:00

In the September 4th online issue of the New York Times, tennis giant Andre Agassi, after playing his last professional match, is quoted as addressing his fans in this way:

"The scoreboard said I lost today, but what the scoreboard doesn't say is what it is I have found. Over the last 21 years, I have found loyalty. You have pulled for me on the court and also in life. I found inspiration. You have willed me to succeed, sometimes even in my lowest moments, and I've found generosity. You have given me your shoulders to stand on to reach for my dreams, dreams I could never have reached without you."

It strikes me that this is one of the most elegant and profound expressions of gratitude that I have ever heard or read.

Agassi's quote also reminds me of John Donne's words, "No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main...."

We all need each other. We need each other's shoulders to stand on.

I confess that I am one of those people who finds it challenging to ask for support, though I am beginning to change this. I seem to have a willfully independent spirit - an "I-can-do-it-myself" mentality. But as I mature, I am coming to understand Donne's message - that no man or woman stands alone - and so I have found Agassi's words both inspiring and instructive. Perhaps you have too?

In order to have shoulders to stand on, we need to do three things:

be willing to ask for support
be open to receiving that support
acknowledge, appreciate, and treasure that support, as Agassi has so graciously acknowledged his fans.

These three things are not always easy for some people to do. The first and second steps have been especially challenging to me on many occasions.

As you continue to build and reach for dreams in your life, whose shoulders are you standing on? If your answer includes one name or many names, have you told them so lately?

If the answer is "no one's", then how could you begin to reach out today and start building a support system for yourself?

And for whom are you a shoulder to stand on? What does it take to be a shoulder to stand on? And how are these two things connected - being the shoulder and being the stander?

It suddenly becomes very clear to me that this interdependence, this interlocking web of supporting and being supported, is the very essence of human connection, and is the foundation for success and fulfillment.

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Letting-Go Experiment: Month 2

2006-08-16T11:40:00.000-04:00

Yes, I'm still at it - this experiment of letting go of one item or habit or "thing" per day for 365 days.

I don't always release exactly one thing a day. But I do let go of one thing FOR every day of the year. This means that I may forget to do this for a few days, but then when I do pick it up again, I release several things at a time. To date, I have let go of 60 (out of 365) "things" - some large and some small.

I still keep a log in which I record the item assigned to each day. This log shows six days not yet accounted for. So, today, I will be looking for up to six items to let go of and add to the log.

This month, I added some new categories of released items: unused cosmetics thrown out, unecessary health supplements to taper off of and stop taking, and two inhertited art pieces to be sold at auction - an oil painting and a framed and signed Grant Wood lithograph. The oil painting sold a few days ago. This is the first released item that has brought a monetary reward.

In doing this experiment, I never expected a monetary reward, though I am delighted to receive it. The reward I envisioned was, and still is, an environment free from clutter. In a stripped-down, clutter-free environment, I expect the simplicity to foster a sense of peace, tranquility, and clarity. And, according to Feng Shui theory, it will also create an increased flow of energy, or chi, and with that, an increase of creative energy, as well as room for new things, new opportunities, to come into my life.

Already, I can tell that these rewards are coming to pass. More about this in future blogs.

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Letting-Go Experiment: Month 1

2006-07-10T13:16:00.001-04:00

It has now been a little more than a month since I began my experiment in letting go of the extra "stuff" in my life. As I suspected, the first 30 days (June 11 - July 10) have not been too difficult, though I do admit to feeling temporarily stumped a couple of times.

I keep a running list of what I let go of each day. In the material stuff department, it has been a mix of small, inexpensive or used stuff to moderately priced or brand new stuff. Most items were used or old. A few were brand new. Items ran the gamut from magazines, to clothes, games, books, household items, and office supplies. The biggest item was a pair of cross-country skis, complete with boots and poles, that I purchased in the 1970's but only used a handful of times. Some items were tossed and some were given to charities. Nothing was sold. In the non-material department, I closed two store charge accounts and cut up the cards. It's possible that I've also let go of a couple of pounds, though these are not yet official let-go's.

And here's what I've learned so far:

1. I get overwhelmed by the amount of paper stuff that comes into my home each day - mail, newspapers, magazines and catalogues. If I can't, or don't, get to it right away, it piles up and up, creating clutter and confusion in every room in my apartment, especially in my office. It clogs my energy and my clear thinking. I am beginning to understand the importance of dealing with that paper stuff each day it arrives, and not letting it stack up. A professional organizer once advised me to handle each piece of paper mail only twice. First, either scan or read it. Second, either toss it or file it where you can easily find it again. I have tossed several trash bags full of paper stuff in the past month, and I still have a large stack of stuff to file. But I've made a start.

2. Letting go of stuff is not all that easy - at least not for me - even when surrounded with a fair amount of stuff I never use. For example, my daily newspapers sometimes pile up for days or even weeks before I read them, if I ever do. Yet, it takes an effort to throw them out if I haven't read them, because I might miss something important. And I haven't yet let go of my newspaper subscription (which is up for renewal next month). A few days ago, I threw out (recycled) all my back copies - more than a month's worth of mostly unread newspapers. Then I made a pact with myself to read each newspaper the day I receive it, and/or to toss it that same day. Already, I am breathing more easily. This, I can manage!

I have piles of magazines around that I haven't read yet also. Yet, I maintain those subscriptions too. In both cases, I say to myself, "I'll get around to reading these soon," but somehow I rarely do. There is something about the printed word - whether it be newspaper, magazine, book, or the papers in files in my office - that often seems too valuable to discard. If I were to admit to being addicted to anything (in addition to chocolate), it would be to the printed word, and especially to books. I suppose this warrants some further contemplation.

The experiment continues. Check back in mid-August to see how Month 2 went.

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An Experiment in Letting Go - Part 1

2006-06-14T15:28:00.000-04:00

When we are in transition, the first stage is letting go. The process of letting go comes in many forms. We are sometimes called upon to let go of relationships, jobs, objects, habits, beliefs, emotions, desires, and more, including anything that clutters up our lives.

My life is too cluttered. It's not that I live in a large space or have a lot of stuff, but I do have too much stuff for the two bedroom apartment I currently occupy. Lately, I've been thinking about simplifying my life, scaling down my living even more in preparation for a move I will need to make within the next year. Along with this impending move, I also find that I am developing a strong yearning for a really stripped-down,Thoreau-esque life. How little, I wonder, could I live with and be happy?

I recently came across the book Give It Up! My Year of Learning to Live Better with Less, by Mary Carlomagno. Carlomagno is a coach and organizer, who discovered that her own life was becoming too cluttered with items and habits. So, she decided to do an experiment. Each month for a year she gave up one item or beavior, and noted what happened. In my June newsletter, I describe her experiment in more detail.

Her experiment gave me an idea.

I decided that for one year, I would let go of one thing or item each day. That's 365 "things" altogether. When you think about it, that's a lot of stuff.

Letting go includes: selling, giving away, or disposing of the item, or stopping the behavior on a permanent basis. By things, I mostly mean material possessions - especially knick-knacks, books, magazines, clothes, and other household items. However, it could also mean habits, behaviors, subscriptions, services, credit cards, or even pounds of body weight.

I've made a few "rules" for myself:

1. Material things include: furnishings, household items, clothing, books, cosmetics, weekly or monthly magazines, unopened food packages (canned goods, etc). [Junk mail, daily newspapers, opened food packages, trash, and miscellaneous office papers do not count, though whole files or notebooks of papers do count.]

2. A pound of body weight does not qualify as an "item" until and unless the weight has been off for at least a month and does not return during the year.

3. No buying or acquiring anything just for the purpose of having something to let go of later on.

4. I can let go of things in groups and log them as separate items for a sequence of days, as long as there are at least 365 items within the 365 days.

My experiement began June 11th and will end June 10th, 2007. I have started a log, to keep track of this experiment. I've been doing this for four days now. The first day, I discarded a small burned down candle that was beginning to annoy me. A relief. The second day, I let go of a pink T-shirt that I never really liked. No big deal. Yesterday, it was an extra phone book, and today it is a Newsweek magazine from April. Tomorrow, I'm donating my 30-year-old cross-country skis, poles, and boots to a fundraising fair. That decision wasn't difficult, though the form of letting go posed a challenge. I had thought of selling these skis, not giving them away.

When I started this experiment, I figured that the first month or two would be easy. There must be 30 to 60 things in my possession that I could easily part with - more, if you consider the 30-50 pounds I would happily part with, if only it were that easy! I had also identified several things around the house that I would not miss at all.

However, since I do have only four rooms full of stuff, I figure that after a while it might get downright challenging to find things to let go of. That's when the rubber will hit the road, as they say. That's when it will get interesting.

In fact, it's already getting interesting! On days 3 & 4, I had a devil of a time picking an item to release, even though there was theoretically a lot to choose from. I wonder how it will be later on down the pike, when the pickings are slimmer? Tune in periodically and see.

This experiment is about letting go of clutter - clutter of several different types, including objects, habits, services, and body pounds. And maybe - just maybe - it will come to be about a whole lot more than that.

If YOU were to let go of an item a day for a year, what would you choose, and why?

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The Power of Words

2006-05-17T09:53:00.001-04:00

Be intentional about your word choices. Words - the building blocks of thought - have power, and they can either serve us or sabotage us (or others).

Here is my very short list of words to eliminate from our vocabularies, along with suggested words to use instead.

Eliminate: can't, cannot
Replace with: I can

Eliminate: try
Replace with: I will, I intend

Eliminate: should
Replace with: I could, I want, I choose

Eliminate: always, never
Replace with: sometimes, often, frequently, rarely, usually, occasionally

Which word(s) might be holding you back?

Here is my challenge: Pick one of the above words-to-eliminate and remove it from your vocabulary for the next week. Substitute one of the suggested empowering words instead.

Watch what happens.

Note: This article is reproduced from Connie's LifeWork Letter, May 2006 issue. To subscribe to this complimentary monthly newsletter, and/or to view archived issues, click here.

The Power of Intention

2006-05-16T23:33:00.001-04:00

Some years ago, there was a wonderful adventure movie playing in theatres - Romancing the Stone starring Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas. Set in Colombia, the story involves Jack T. Colton, a soldier of fortune (Douglas) and Joan Wilder, a novelist (Turner) who, for different reasons, have partnered together on a treasure hunt to find an enormous heart-shaped emerald called El Corazon.

In one scene, they are being chased by a small army of bad guys and end up in a tight place, with the army shooting at them from behind and a deep, wide canyon with a raging river far below in front of them. They are faced with a choice: cross the chasm somehow or be captured or shot. They have already attempted to use the rickety footbridge to cross the chasm, but it is too rotten and it breaks.

In one bold moment, Joan Wilder sizes up the situation, grabs hold of a thick vine, takes a running start and swings over the wide chasm, landing safely on the other side. Jack Colton hesitates, pondering the situation, having some doubts. Then, he follows suit, but swings into the side of the opposite wall of the canyon, instead of landing at the top. He then has to scramble up the side of the cliff while being shot at from the other side.

The difference in their two landings was not due to their skill levels, experience, physical abilities, or gender. In fact, the deck was stacked heavily in Colton's favor. The difference was in the degree of their intentions. Wilder was 100% intentional about reaching the other side. She just plain went for it with everything she had. Colton had some doubts and he hesitated. He was probably about 90% intentional. He made it, but with more difficulty.

In this case, the power of intention was so strong, especially for Joan Wilder, that it enabled her to overcome some enormous physical obstacles and reach her goal. What might it be like to bring that kind of full-steam-ahead-no-holding-back intention to your next goal?

Read More About It

Two of my favorite books on this subject are...

The Power of Intention, Wayne W. Dyer. Hay House, 2004.
The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent, Esther and Jerry Hicks (The Teachings of Abraham), Hay House, 2006.

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Callings Revisited - Passion vs. Security

2006-05-16T22:34:00.001-04:00

In an earlier blog entry, I mentioned the book Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life by Gregg Levoy. On May 4th, I had the opportunity to meet Gregg Levoy and to hear him speak on this topic. Many things he said caught my attention and resonated with me, including his discussion of why people sometimes turn away from their Callings.

A Calling can be loud and clear, or it can be as soft as a whisper or as subtle as resonating with a song playing on the radio. And sometimes, once heard, a Calling is willingly and intentionally followed. Sometimes, but not always. Levoy cited Jonah (from the biblical story of Jonah and the Whale) as the ultimate example of a man who resisted his Calling, who ignored it, hid from it, fled from it until he was cornered and had no other recourse but to take it up.

Many of us, in our own ways, flee from our Callings. We don't pay attention to the invitations. We ignore the signs. We procrastinate in our responses. We deliberate. We even identify what we want and then actively go in the opposite direction. Human nature? Yes. But why?

This behavior, Levoy posits, may be the result of an inner struggle between passion and security - the desire to follow a Calling versus the need to be physically, emotionally, or financially safe. This struggle, Levoy says, is what causes us to ignore, or sometimes actively push away, our Calling - the next step we are called to take in fulfilling our own unique destiny.

Once caught up in this struggle between passion and security, what can we do about it? If we are caught up in such a struggle, it is probably because there is some degree of risk involved - either perceived or real. And if a situation is risky, then what is required of us?

First, information. We need as much information as we can gather in order to make an informed decision. This step includes the possibility of constructing a safety net to catch us if we fall.

Second, courage. The feel-the-fear-and-do-it-anyway kind.

Third, faith and trust. Faith in ourselves and a trust that the Calling we are drawn to follow is the truest expression of our authentic self.

Fourth, willingness. A willingness to take the risk and trust that it will work out in our best interest.

Fifth, intention. The intention to commit oneself wholeheartedly to following that Calling.

What is your Calling? Can you hear it? Are you moving towards it, ignoring it, or running away from it? If you are ignoring or running away from it, at which step are you bogged down, and what might you do to get beyond it?

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Butterflies, Transitions, and Transformation

2006-04-12T11:32:00.001-04:00

Recently, I was asked why I seem to have chosen the butterfly as the symbol, or logo, for my business. This is what I said...

I am drawn to the butterfly as a symbol of my work because it is a metaphor for the kind of deep transformation that can occur during a significant transition period in one's life - an evolution into one's full potential, from which there is no going back.

If we think metaphorically about ourselves beginning as caterpillars that eat (take in information) and grow to a point where we understand intiuitively that that something significant and deep has to occur in order for us to reach our full potential, then we can understand any transition as an opportunity to enter that cocooning place where deep changes could be taking place in our psyche as well as in our physical being or outer life.

As we move through this transformative transition - this pupation stage, where lots of inner work is taking place, though nothing much may appear to the casual observer to be happening - we finally assimilate all the information and inner wisdom we have gathered over time and are ready to emerge as a butterfly - a magnificent version of ourselves - the expression of our full potential, our true life purpose - free to fly, create, and make a difference in the world.

Transitions may come to us organically as we pass through the various life stages, or they may be forced upon us by events in or out of our control - serious accidents, illness, job loss or severe job dissatisfaction, marriage, childbirth, divorce, death of a loved one, and the like. Or, they may be signaled by deep internal stirrings - feelings of restlessness, boredom, confusion, lack of direction, depression, or general ennui.

Not every transition period in a person's life will lead to this type of deep transformation. But some do, and the potential is always there. Often, the event we label as "mid-life" crisis is actually signaling the end of the caterpillar phase of our lives and the beginning of the pupation process - the outward expression of a compelling inner drive towards being our most authentic self and living life at our full potential. Though I mention mid-life, this drive for transformative change can come upon us at any age or stage in our life.

There is a wonderful allegorical story called Hope for the Flowers, written by Trina Paulus in the 1970's (Paulist Press, 1973) that first drew me to the caterpillar/cocoon/butterfly as the symbol for the work I do in coaching people through transitions. Witnessing my clients emerge as the butterflies they were always meant to be brings me great joy.

Hope for the Flowers is a story about two caterpillars, Stripe and Yellow, who become friends. Both are becoming disastisfied with caterpillar life. As the story progresses, Yellow begins to learn about butterflies and is told that she could become one, if she were willing to risk going through a period when she would stop being a caterpillar but would not yet become a butterfly. She is told, "You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." And she is encouraged by a butterfly she has met: "You'll be a beautiful butterfly - we're all waiting for you!" And so, she takes the risk and does eventually emerge as a yellow butterfly, beautiful and free. Soon afterwards, she helps Stripe to risk as well, and he begins to spin his cocoon.

What about you? Are you ready to risk for a butterfly?

Finding Your Calling

2006-03-24T06:36:00.001-05:00

My father knew at the age of five that he wanted to be a doctor. He never wavered from that decision. His whole life was about healing. One of my cousins knew at a very early age that she wanted to be an actress. At the age of 70, she still is, although she has added some other roles to her repertoire. I, on the other hand, zigzagged my way through several careers before I found the one I was destined for. How is it that some people just seem to know, early in life, what they are meant to do with their lives, while others - most of us, I'd venture to say - struggle to find their true calling and perhaps never do?

Finding your true calling happens when a whole lot of pieces fall into place. Sometimes the pieces fall together suddenly in some great gestalt. Sometimes the pieces come together slowly over time.

It starts when something catches your imagination in a deep way, sparks your curiosity, your interest and your sense of purpose and meaning. It becomes your passion. It grows and develops when your passion begins to match up with your natural and then learned abilities - your aptitudes, skills, talents, and strengths. And then, there's always the element of luck or the availability of opportunity. It all comes together as the dots are connected between your passion, your interests, your skills, strengths, and natural aptitudes, your values, your sense of purpose, your belief in yourself and in your dream, and your will to make it happen.

If you are someone who did not discover your true calling as a young child or as a teenager, do not be discouraged. This discovery can come at any age. Look at the famous painter, Anna Mary Robertson Moses, better known as Grandma Moses, who discovered her true calling very late in life. Though she was always interested in art and painting, she began her career in a serious way at the age of 78 and pursued it until she was 100. (She died at the age of 101.) A similar thing happened to my friend, Carole Wood Hardy, who began writing poetry at the age of 72 and was a published poet many times over by the time she died at age 89.

Have you found your true calling? If not, what are you waiting for? You can do it. Coaching can help.

Read More About It: Here are three of my favorite books on this subject: Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life by Gregg Levoy (Three Rivers Press, 1997), What Should I Do With My Life? by Po Bronson (Random House, 2002), and Do What You Are by Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger (Little, Brown & Company, 2001).

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Designing Your Life - When Things Fall Apart

2006-02-14T19:06:00.002-05:00

There comes a time (or more than one) in each of our lives when something shifts or changes, and it's time to re-invent ourselves and re-design our lives. The process of change can be scary, and it can also be very exciting. Patterns that are known and familiar, whether they serve us or not, suddenly become disassembled and the pieces lie about in disarray.

Imagine a child's creation made with Lego pieces. Perhaps it is a fort or a castle, a truck or a robot. And suddenly that creation is pulled apart by a playmate or a sibling. There it is, in shambles, the colorful pieces in a heap, no longer in the familiar and recognizable form. There can be a sense of loss, of confusion, of uncertainty - especially if the change is unexpected and unwelcome. But there is also the opportunity to put these pieces back together in a different way, to create something new and even more exciting.

Usually, at the point that people come to me for coaching on re-designing their lives, something in their lives has been, or is about to be, dismantled. Perhaps they have just started or ended a relationship, have made a signifcant geographical move, have been downsized from a job, or have hit a major life milestone that requires choosing a new direction, such as graduation, marriage, the birth of the first child, the departure of the last child, or the approach of retirement. The familiar patterns of their lives have come apart and lie like Lego pieces all around the floor.

It does not matter if the changes are anticipated and desired ones or forced and painful ones. Either way, they can be stressful and confusing as well as tremendous opportunities for growth and re-creation. When a life comes apart, either in a small way or totally, the first step is to understand that change is happening and that it is natural to go through a grieving process for whatever is lost. This grieving process can take minutes, days, months, or years - depending upon the magnitude or desirability of the change - as we move through the phases of shock, denial, fear, anger, depression, sadness and, finally, acceptance. At the point of acceptance, it is time to re-group and re-build. Then, it is time to re-design your life.

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Practicing Extreme Self-Care

2006-01-17T12:10:00.001-05:00

Many New Year's resolutions concern taking better care of our health and body in some way - reducing our weight, eating more healthy foods, drinking more water, exercising more, or stopping or changing some habit, such as smoking, that is not serving us.

In my coaching practice, I have found that no matter what the focus of our work together is - whether it is personal, professional, career, or business development, growth and change - the first issue we often address is the state of the client's self-care practice.

Attention to self-care is vital to the success of any endeavor. Good health and fitness, and a high level of energy, is the best foundation for every aspect of our lives. Unfortunately, many people do not hold self-care as a high priority. Here are some of the most common excuses I hear:

I'm too busy.
I don't have time.
I put others ahead of myself.
I'm being selfish when I take time for myself.
It costs too much.
I can't afford it.
I'm too stressed out.
My ____ (fill in the blank) comes first.
I forget. The time just get by me.
I don't know where to start.

What's your excuse?