Emotional Transitions: Loss and Grief

My Designing Your Life work is all about coaching people through transitions and change. With the recent transition from summer into fall, I have been witnessing a lot of change, and with it the emotional upheavals that come with that change. Loss seems to be a big theme this fall.

In this year's transition from summer to fall, the winds of change came blowing through with gale force, impacting not only my life and the lives of my family, friends, clients, and colleagues, but also the lives of most people in this country and around the globe. Wars, political campaigns, weather challenges, and, most of all, economic upheavals of major proportions have shaken the very foundations of our assumptions about how life "should" be. Many people have been forced to re-evaluate their lives in various ways. And some have been forced into transitions or changes, not always desired or of their own choosing.

My friend Judy observed yesterday that this year's transition from summer into fall seems to have evoked a lot of sadness - more than usual, it seemed to her. I have noticed the same thing, not only in others around me, but also within myself.

Just within my own small circle, there is much loss and sadness - an in-law observing the first anniversary of her husband's death, a new friend still grieving the recent loss of his wife to cancer, a colleague reluctantly closing her business, a client upset over the loss of her job, a friend facing possible breast cancer, a relative hospitalized with depression. And, as for me, I find myself grieving the loss of a very special friendship - not through death, thank goodness, but through what may be inadequately described here as "irreconcilable differences".

Through these events, I have been reminded once again that loss is a natural and inevitable part of the cycle of life. And when we lose someone or something dear to us, or important to us in some way, we need to grieve that loss. And I am reminded of the ground-breaking work of Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and her description of the grief process outlined in her classic book On Death and Dying.

Kubler-Ross broke down the grieving process into the five stages listed below. Within each of the stages, there are nuances, variations, and sub-topics to consider. Not everyone who grieves goes through these five stages - at all, or in this order. For some, the whole cycle is very short (a matter of minutes or days); for others, the cycle can last a much longer time (months, years, most of a lifetime, perhaps). They are:

1. Denial - If a loss is sudden and unexpected, the very first stage can be shock. This includes a physiological response in which the body reacts strongly. Fainting or a kind of emotional numbness are two examples of this response. This is followed by denial - an inability to accept the loss, despite the evidence.

2. Anger - When the shock wears off, the next response could be sadness and tears. But often, it is not. Anger is commonly the next major response. Anger at anything from another person to onesself to more and more external causes - the boss who downsized you, the driver of the car that hit your loved one, the doctor who couldn't cure an illness, the friend who observed your spouse being unfaithful, but didn't say anything - or at something as intangible as fate, destiny, or God. Anger is a healthy, useful, natural part of grieving. It is important to honor that, and express it. And it is also most important not to get stuck there. One can forfeit way too much of one's life staying stuck in anger.

3. Bargaining - This is the phase where, still in denial, one tries to stave off the inevitable. This might be called the "if only" stage, as in "If only I were to do this [whatever "this" is], I might not lose that [whatever "that" is]. One might, for example, explore other job opportunities within your company with the HR representative who has just fired you and is processing your termination. Or, you might try to shore up a crumbling relationship by offering to alter your thoughts, beliefs, or behaviors in order to make it work. Or you might ward off the diagnosis of a terminal illness by talking with other doctors and health professionals and trying every remedy you can think of. And while these bargaining measures do occasionally work, way more often they do not. And when they do not, the next stage sets in.

4. Depression - Depression can wear more than one face. It could be anger turned inward towards onesself, rather than at the world. [This is when getting in touch with your anger is especially important in the grieving process.] It is most often expressed as sadness, sometimes a very profound and long-lasting sadness. And tears are healing. Sadness, too, must be honored. One's energy can be low during this phase, and it is important to honor one's need for rest and nurturing. Sometimes the depression becomes so marked that the grieving person retreats from the world, and essentially shuts down emotionally. While this can be healthy for a short period of time, it becomes unhealthy when it goes on too long. At this point, the grieving person is unable to reach out for help, and the support of family, friends, and health professionals becomes so very important.

5. Acceptance - Sooner or later, one finally faces the loss head on and accepts it. This could take minutes, hours, days, or years. While there may still be moments of residual sadness, the predominant feelings become relief and a growing sense of peace. Once you have reached the stage of acceptance, it becomes much easier to move on and fully take up your life again.

Remember that loss and grieving are as natural to life as is the change of seasons. Remember, too, that as in all change, "this too shall pass". And there is also the wisdom of this observation: "When God closes a door, he/she opens another one somewhere else." When you face an important loss in your life, allow yourself to grieve. Understand the process and let yourself go with it - all the way to the final stage of acceptance.

Most of the time, the times of transition in our lives, in which the most important life changes and growth take place, not only involve loss but also gain. The deepest and most challenging changes in our lives are also the most life-changing - and almost always for the better. In his book, Illusions, author Richard Bach writes this:

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world,
the master calls a butterfly.

Entrepreneurship Series: Commitment

As we continue this series on Entrepreneurship and entrepreneurial readiness, we ask the question, "What does it take to be a successful entrepreneur?"

There are many answers to this question. One of them is - commitment.

In many respects, starting a business is very much like embarking on a marriage. It is a long-term commitment that requires passion, enthusiasm, and love of the work, product, service, or field of that business. It requires a kind of stick-to-it-iveness that is reminiscent of the marriage vows - that is, you agree to stick with it in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, until death - or some other BIG factor (such as retirement)- does you part. It requires dedication, persistence, perseverance, perspiration, and a conservatively high degree of risk tolerance.

What are some of the secrets of maintaining an entrepreneurial commitment of this kind over the long haul - perhaps in times of economic challenge such as we currently face in this recessive economic climate? Here are some factors...

Imagination - Before you ever start your business, imagine yourself several years into it. Imagine yourself successful and growing. Visualize yourself in your business, through all seasons and business cycles, all the way to retirement.

Intention - Start your business with the very strong intention to stay with it and to succeed. Create the intention to do whatever it takes to make it work.

Challenge - Be someone who thrives on challenge. Embrace "mistakes" as opportunities to learn and to do it better.

Change - Expect and embrace change. Keep refining and fine tuning and growing your business. Never allow it to stagnate.

Time Management - The advantage of working for yourself is that you are in charge of your time and you can enjoy some flexibility in terms of time. The disadvantage is that there is no such thing as a 40-hour work week for most entrepreneurs. Owning your own business is a BIG time commitment, and it is best to plan on that from the beginning. Yet, it is also possible to be very efficient and savvy about how you use your time. Learn to Work Smarter, Not Harder.

Work/Life Balance - That being said, it is also crucial to find ways to balance your work time with your other priorities - time for family, for friends, for socializing, for exercise and recreation, for creative and spiritual pursuits, for managing your household - for all the pieces of your life that you value and enjoy. Balancing your life well prevents burnout and gives you the energy and zest you need to be with your business, day in and day out. Life and Work need to be FUN and energizing!


Question: On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the lowest and 10 the highest, how able are you to commit to something for the long haul and stick with it?

Hint: If your answer was 7 or lower, then entrepreneurship is probably not for you.