Time to De-Clutter Again!

Is clutter taking over your life? And I don't just mean material clutter. I also mean email clutter, schedule clutter, emotional clutter, mental clutter, and the like. Does it seem to you that there's always too much to do, and too little time to do it in? Does this put you into a nearly constant state of anxiety and stress?

As a Life Coach, I find this stressful overcrowding of our lives to be a major theme in my sessions with clients. Several years ago, I began to look closely at the idea of decluttering and simplifying our lives in all sorts of ways, so as to create more "breathing room" and more time for the people and activites we value the most. I was studying Buddhism at the time and begin a serious attempt at developing non-attachment as a mental, emotional, physical, and materialistic approach to my life and lifestyle. I decided to begin my practice by vowing to let go of at least one thing in my life every day for a year. I called this my Letting Go Experiment.

[Click on sidebar links titled Letting Go Experiment, Organizing, Planning, and Time Management for relevant articles, including monthly reports on my own Letting Go Experiment.]

It is almost five years to the day that I began my Letting Go Experiment which was supposed to last 365 days but actually lasted sixteen months from June 14, 2006 to the Fall of 2007. In June of 2008, I revisited this process in my article Letting Go Experiment: Two Years Later.

Today, in 2011, I find myself wanting and needing to clear out my life again. I have a great urge to downsize and simplify. This is the season of yard sales, thrift shops, flea markets, and used book sales, and I am getting ready to unload! I am also in the process of shedding an unneeded 22 pounds, as well as some thought patterns and emotions that are not serving me.

So, what about you? Is it time for you to streamline your life? Imagine what good might come of that!

Philosophy of Life

Recently, a friend asked me these questions:

• What is your philosophy of life?
• How do you explain the world/your life to yourself?
• On what do you base your decisions?

He was looking for an encapsulation that I could not come up with on the spot. But I have been thinking about these questions for several days now, and I think I have come up with some answers.

I have come to the conclusion that there is no one, easy-to-sum-up, philosophy that runs my life. There are many aspects that make up my answers to these questions. But there is a bottom line, as you will discover.

As you read what I came up with, I invite you to think about your own answers to these questions.

Here are some of mine:

• Biology is destiny. To me, this means that some aspects of my life are out of my control and are influenced or determined by things like my gender (female), race (caucasian), genetic makeup (my inherited genes), physical characteristics (height, weight, physical attractiveness, physical mobility & agility, health, age, and the like.) Acceptance of these characteristics is crucial to one's happiness.
• Time and place also influence our destiny. Being born in the USA in the middle of the 20th century, and living in various US states - especially Florida, New Hampshire, Connecticut, and Massachusetts - have all impacted my life and destiny in various ways.
• Our culture(s) influences our life choices. We exist within our culture(s) the way fish swim in water. Within the culture of the USA, there are many sub-cultures. These include nationality of origin, regional cultures, religious traditions, family cultures, workplace cultures, and the like. Often, we are so immersed in our culture and sub-cultures that we are unaware of how they influence us.
• We all have free will and our choices are our destiny. There's a qualifier. Choice and free will operate within certain confines. Some of us have more choices than others.
• Life is largely based on luck and chance. Sometimes we have good luck, sometimes bad luck. Some of us have more of one than the other. My experience - and hence my belief - is that luck is more often on my side than against it.
• Dualities exist and always will. Duality is often the nature of things. A contrast is needed in order for either to exist. Consider whether any one of these things could exist without the other: Day and Night, Light and Dark, Hot and Cold, War and Peace, Heaven and Hell, Good and Evil, Joy and Sadness, Male and Female, Yin and Yang, Intimacy and Freedom, Democrats and Republicans, etc. We need to accept duality as a necessary and inevitable part of human existence.
• This is a random universe to which we bring meaning. This quote from Sheldon Kopp's 1976 book, If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him!, has always made sense to me. So many things we have come to believe and act on - perhaps even fight to the death for - are based on mystery or inadequate information. Yet we cling to these ideas as if they were absolute reality - reality that no one can prove.
• Every person lives inside of his/her own reality. No two people - not even identical twins - see or experience life in exactly the same way. Ultimately, our brain controls our perceptions and our internal and external experiences of life and the world around us. (And, in a way, this goes back to the idea that "biology is destiny".) Each person's "cognitive style" is unique to him/herself.
• Our thoughts create our reality. This is an extension of the point above. Buddha is quoted as saying, "All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” This is where we DO have some free will and choice to guide our destiny. Our thoughts include our beliefs, values, ethics, principles, priorities, purpose, fantasies, imaginations, imagery, goals, wants, and more. Our thoughts, moreover, create our emotions - our feelings and feeling states.
• Our beliefs create our reality. Our beliefs are one form of thought. Our belief system runs our life. If our life is going well, then our belief system is working for us. If our life is not going so well, perhaps the place to examine first is our belief system. Changing our disempowering beliefs is not always easy, but it IS possible, and herein lies the place where free will and choice can operate most effectively.
• Our temperment heavily influences our life perspective and hence our reality. By this, I mean that whether we are primarily optimistic or pessimistic about life does color our perspective. Do we see the glass as half full or half empty? I am a half-full-to-full-and-overflowing gal. I tend to look for the best in people and situations. I would wear a Life is Good hat or T-shirt.
• Our values ultimately determine our choices within the reality we have created for ourselves. Often, we are not totally aware of our Values. Perhaps they have changed over the years. Perhaps our values need to be clearly identified and prioritized. Perhaps this is what Socrates was getting at when he said, "The unexamined life is not worth living."

Here is what I learned recently in re-examining my own life: The top 10 values that most run my life and influence my priorities, choices and decisions are: Love, Relationships (family, friends, intimate other), Connection/Intimacy, Freedom (especially personal freedom), Health, Self-fulfillment, Growth, Learning, Fun, and Joy.

What are yours?

And what does all this have to do with Life Coaching? A Life Coach helps you to examine your unexamined life, to re-evaluate and update your beliefs, values, life purpose, priorities, choices, actions, and goals in order to help you make better choices, to actively create a life, career, or business that is in alignment with who you are, and to create for yourself a high-quality, satisfying, and happy life.

If you are ready to re-examine your life, career, or business, I can help. Visit my Website, Connie Komack/LifeWork Enterprises, and then let's talk. Have a great day!

Blogging Again: Back in the Saddle

Bless me, someone - it's been 8 months and 17 days since my last Blog post!

And, more than that, it's been twelve months since I published the last issue of my monthly e-newsletter, LifeWork Letter!

Why the long hiatus? Who knows, for sure. I've got some thoughts about this.

I'll tell you what it's NOT: It's not due to illness, nor family emergencies, nor a career change, nor retirement, nor an extensive trip around the world, nor a dislike of writing.

On the contrary, I am very much alive and well, my family is well, and I am still a life/work coach, trainer, speaker, and writer. I am not retired, though I do take more time off than I used to. I haven't done any traveling, except for a brief two-day trip to Maine this summer. And I love writing more than ever. In fact, this month - the month of November - I am once again participating in National Novel Writing Month (www.NaNoWriMo.org).

So, again, why the long hiatus in writing my Blog or Newsletter?

• Well, for a while back there, I was heavily involved in developing and facilitating an entrepreneurial training program specifically designed for unemployed workers who wanted to start their own businesses. Writing time slipped away.
• Then, as late spring approached, I embarked on a focused weight management and exercise program (self-designed) that resulted in getting much more fit and healthy and losing 15 pounds of last year's "winter weight". This took a lot of time, focus, and energy.
• As summer came into full bloom, a special friendship did too, and spending time with him became a welcome distraction. No, more than a distraction, it became a priority. (Still is.)
• Then came Fall - a birthday, some business presentations, some PR in two newspaper articles, a sore shoulder from over-exercising, rehearsals for two musical productions, fundraising for a non-profit, and complications in the special friendship - all taking precedence.

But what's the bottom line here? What derails us from our so-called "productive activities"? What causes us to lose our focus and drift?

Here are some thoughts about that, some possible causes:

• Distractions
• Laziness
• Exhaustion
• Procrastination
• A reorganization of priorities
• A lack of Purpose, or a change of Purpose
• A need for a break, a change of pace, some R&R
• A desire for fun and/or creative endeavors
• A time for learning, gathering new ideas and information - some "mulling" time
• A period of transformation, similar to being in the chrysalis stage between caterpillar and butterfly

Now, I am filled with thoughts about all these areas, and a desire to share my ideas, and to dialogue with my readers. All these topics and more are now on the table for discussion. In my next blog post, I will address the issue of procrastination.

So, let me hear from you. What takes you off-course in your life? Or, does your course merely change? How does procrastination fit into your picture?

Learning From Adversity - The Holidays

This year - 2009 - has been a tough year for many people. We all know that the worldwide economic recession has taken a toll on our lives in many ways. Some have lost jobs or businesses. Some have lost homes. Some have been mired in debt. Some have declared bankruptcy. Some have lost some or all of their retirement income. Some have lost opportunities to attend college or university. Many, or most, have had to tighten their financial belts in many ways, giving up luxuries, or some discretionary spending, or perhaps even some necessities like food, shelter, medications or medical treatment. Some marriages or other relationships have been strained to the breaking point. Stress has become a fact of life in many lives, and if not handled well, it has taken a toll on one's health and well-being.

There is a story that circulates in the speaking profession (and I apologize that I cannot remember exactly how it goes or the person to credit for this story) about a boy who had been begging his parents for a long time to buy him a pony, which he wanted more than anything else in the world. The parents repeatedly refused. (They could not afford one.) At the same time, they were constantly pressuring him to clean up his messy room, strewn with so many toys, clothes, and mouldy leftover food snacks that they were constantly repelled and frustrated. But the boy, too, resisted. So, one day, they took drastic measures and filled his room with horse manure, certain that this would force him to clean up his room. When he opened the door to his room, he immediately saw (and smelled) the mess. But instead of being repelled, as his parents expected, his face lit up with a smile, and he said with great excitement, "with all this manure on the floor, there must be a pony in here somewhere!"

This is what I hope we all come to somehow. That we come to understand that underneath all the challenges of this economic mess, there are gifts - valuable gifts, precious gifts - gifts that could change, for the better, the quality of our lives, now and in the future. And that optimism serves us better than pessimism. In the midst of all these challenges, we need to look for the pony. It IS around here somewhere!

For example, we have just come through the Christmas or Hannukah season - the holiday season that puts the biggest strain on our pocketbooks of any other time of year. It is the ultimate "material girl" (or "material boy") time of year. We are lured into spending money a dozen ways to Sunday: gifts, cards, wrappings, decorations, food, drink, new clothes, extra grooming and pampering, parties, travel, entertainments, feasts and festivals.

I have noticed, and I'm sure you have too, that people have scaled back this year. Fewer cards have been sent, and many traditional cards have been replaced by electronic greeting cards and holiday letters. There are fewer lights out there, and therefore less electricity has been used in this rather wasteful way. Fewer people are traveling, preferring to stay home in their smaller family groupings. Gifts, if given at all, have been scaled back - fewer and less expensive. Last year's holiday clothes are being worn again this year. Parties are simplified and perhaps more are of the potluck variety.

While I recognize that cutting back on consumerism could contribute to the downward economic spiral, I also recognize that we, in the USA, have evolved into such a materialistic culture that we have lost our way in many other ways. What we are learning here, in this tough economy, are some important lessons about principles and values.

What lesons have you learned this year?

Here are some things I have learned about these holiday times:

• Our values are coming into sharper focus. We are setting priorities, honoring those, and stripping away some or most of the less important things.
• Family and friends are more precious than anything. They are the true gift of this season (or of any time of year).
• And love is the most precious gift of all.
• The holiday season is filled with non-material pleasures, like singing holiday songs and listening to holiday music, walking in the snow and building snowmen, making a point of visiting with neighbors, friends, and family, being immersed in the spiritual meanings and lessons of the holiday season.
• It is good to shake up traditions - to let go of some things and make room for new ideas, customs, and experiences to enter one's life.
• Simple food shared with friends and loved ones is every bit as delicious and satisfying as sharing fancy gourmet food.
• Last year's (or the past many year's) decorations are enough and just fine.
• That one small gift, chosen thoughtfully and specifically for the recipient, and given with love and caring, is worth more, much more, than a pile of gifts hastily selected under duress and pressure.
• Cards and letters, if sent at all, can be sent at one's leisure, instead of being rushed and hurried. Perhaps they'll even arrive in January after all the hubbub is over and the recipient can truly savor them. And if received, they can be savored for the gifts they are and for the opportunity to connect and catch up with people's lives.
• That giving is pure pleasure, whether or not anything is received in return.
• That in eating and drinking less this year, our figures are in better shape. [I know mine is.]
• That in giving up many of the material and time-consuming demands of the holidays, our stress levels are down. We can actually relax and enjoy the holidays. Imagine that!

And most of all, I have learned that Christmas dreams - if they come from the heart - really can come true. Mine have, and I hope yours have too.

Waiting

Lately, I've been thinking about the concept of "waiting". Waiting is one of the built-in aspects of being in a period of transition. We all go through transition periods at different times in our lives. Many of us are in transition right now.

What are we waiting for? Could be almost anything. Waiting for good news, waiting for bad news. Waiting for the economy to get better, for the stock market to go up, for the unemployment rate to go down, for the axe to fall on a job, for the outcome of a job interview, for school to start or end, for the next exam, for the results of a lab test, for the next date, for a proposal, for a special event or the next holiday, for a sale to go through, for a mortgage approval, for a baby to be born, for that check to arrive in the mail, for the weather to change, for your life to change in some wonderful way, small or large. Perhaps we are waiting for life to begin (literally or figuratively) or waiting for it to end. Waiting for nothing. Waiting for Godot.

Robert Grudin (author of Time and the Art of Living) is quoted as saying: In the landscape of time, there are few locations less comfortable than that of one who waits for some person or event to arrive at some unknown moment in the future.

Yes, waiting is often uncomfortable. Sometimes waiting creates happy, excited feelings, perhaps a sense of delicious anticipation. More often, it leads to more uncomfortable emotions: nervousness, anxiety, fear, sadness, impatience, frustration, or boredom. Yet it is these very feelings that eventually move us through a waiting period and into action.

I think of waiting as comparable to the chrysalis stage of the butterfly life cycle, the butterfly being a creature who has left the land of the known (the caterpillar stage) and is quietly going through a period of intense change and transformation (pupation) - a period in which the creature is quite fluid and formless and the end result is as yet unknown. What will emerge, we all know, will be a butterfly or moth. But the creature does not know this, and all it can do is wait.

Is waiting a passive event? No, not usually. Though change during a waiting period is often internal and not always obvious to the casual observer, it IS happening and often at an accelerated rate. Think of the cocoon of a butterfly again. When viewed from the outside, no change is apparent. But if you could see through to the inside, you would see that huge transformational changes are taking place. It is often that way for humans too.

Anna Nagle writes: But the most important thing about learning to wait, I feel sure, is to know what you are waiting for.

Ah, this can be a sticky point, yes? Sometimes we do know exactly what we are waiting for: the next bus, train or plane, the doctor's appointment, our favorite TV show to come on, the baby to arrive. But other times, things are not so clear and we are not so sure. Perhaps we are waiting for our life to get better, but we don't know what that means. Or we're waiting for a better job opportunity, though we haven't figured out what we really want to do with our work lives. Or maybe we're waiting for Prince (or Princess) Charming to come riding up and sweep us off our feet, though we have no idea who we would want that person to be or what "happily ever after" might look like, if, in fact, it exists at all and we were lucky enough to live it.

Nagle has a point. A productive way to move through this waiting time is to get as clear as we can about what it is we are waiting for. We may not get exactly what we are wanting, but we will have a better shot at it. And sometimes, the thing we think we want is not really what we want, and what we ultimately get is often better than anything we could have imagined.

So, how might we use this waiting period to get clearer? We might be in the waiting room of a doctor's office and read a magazine article that speaks eloquently to some change we are making. We might be between jobs and take that opportunity to re-assess our values, priorities, skills, and interests and then choose a new career path. We might be approaching a life stage transition - perhaps graduation or empty nest or the approach of retirement - and use that time to research options and perhaps re-invent ourselves and create a new lifestyle or career direction.

Another opportunity within a waiting period is to take the time not only for inner reflection and change but also for cleaning up the external unfinished business in your life - the clutter, the undone projects, the completion of unresolved relationships, the overdue items on your mental or actual To Do lists.

And yet another way to move through the waiting period is to do things that prepare you for whatever it is that is there for you at the end of the waiting period. The Wayside Pulpit at a local church currently displays this quote: When those who fish cannot go to sea, they mend nets. [Book of Runes, adapted].

So, mend your nets - get the room ready for your expected baby, learn new computer skills for the job you're hoping to get, buy a new outfit for the next eHarmony date, practice your songs while you wait for the recital date, read up on your field, take off that extra weight, eat nutritious food, get more exercise, sleep well, write in your journal, meditate.

The waiting periods of our life are inevitable and necessary. They are periods of rest, renewal, regrouping, time-outs, introspection, completion, creativity, re-invention, and transformation. They are not wasted times. On the contrary, they are often times that provide great growth - sometimes quantum transformational leaps. (Remember the butterfly!)

One day, the waiting will be over - this time around, anyway. What will be the outcome? Will it be what we expected or not? Will it be what we wanted and hoped for, or what we dreaded and feared? Will it be an ending or a beginning? Or both? We cannot know until the time comes. Nothing serves us better during these waiting times than patience, trust and a positive outlook - an inner confidence or "knowing" that all will hapen at the right time and will turn out for the best.

One thing seems certain: there are two things that will tip the scales in favor of getting what we are waiting and hoping for: gratitude and receptivity - gratitude for what we have learned or gained during the waiting period as well as for whatever it is that comes to us, and the openness of heart, mind, and spirit that invites the best possible outcomes.

Sarah Ben Breathnach writes, Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.

Whatever you are waiting for, may it bless your life and bring you peace.

Loss, Gratitude, and Moving On

I have been writing a lot about change, loss, and transitions lately. And this is no coincidence. And it is not just because I am a Life/Career Coach specializing in working with people in transition. It is also, and primarily, because the past year or so has been a time of deep and intense change, not only for me personally, but also for many, many people - in my family, in my circle of friends, in the lives of my clients and colleagues, and for the people living in this town, this state, this country, and all around the world.

Last week, the following quote came across my desk:

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

-Little Orphan Annie

This was the theme quote that Life Coach Cheryl Richardson cited in her Week 35 Newsletter, published August 24th. The theme of her newsletter is "Saying Goodbye: Learning to Let Go." It is well worth reading.

This quote instantly brought home to me the connection between loss and gratitude. When we let go of something or someone in our life (willingly or not), the depth of the loss or grief we experience is directly related to the depth of the positive connection we had with it. And in that connection, there were many gifts - benefits, joys, lessons, memories, pleasures - associated with it.

When we lose something that we have treasured, we go through many stages of grief. I have written about the grieving process in a previous Blog article, Emotional Transitions: Loss and Grief, published in 2008. The final stage in the grieving process is Acceptance. And one of the things that helps us into and through Acceptance, and beyond, is Gratitude. Because the truth is that the deeper the felt loss, the more gifts or blessings have come to us from that which was lost, and therefore the more we have to be grateful for.

The true healing after a loss comes when we can look beyond the sorrow or inconvenience of our loss and appreciate what we had.

Let's look at some examples:

This week, in the City of Gloucester, Massachusetts, where I now live, we have been dealing with a problem of water contamination. We have had to boil our water for over a week now, in order to make it safe for drinking, cooking, and washing dishes. What is the gift in this? Many of us have come to appreciate something we have long taken for granted: clean, safe drinking water and the people who work to keep it that way.

Also this week, in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, we have lost our senior Senator, Edward M. Kennedy, to his battle with brain cancer. This man, this "Lion of the Senate", has served his state and country in this capacity for 47 years. Regardless of one's party affiliation and political views, one cannot help but appreciate the tireless efforts of this man who sought to make life better for everyone living in this state and in our country. His loss is already deeply felt by those whose lives he touched directly. And, I suspect, his loss will also be felt, going forward, by many many others. A large and very public funeral, such as the one for Senator Kennedy, also provides many opportunities for the expression of gratitude - remembrances and acknowledgments of all that he gave to his family, friends, constituents and colleagues over a lifetime of service.

On a more personal level, I have written about my own life transitions in the past few months - the death of my ex-husband and oldest high school friend, the move from a town that I have lived in and loved for 25 years, the possible loss of a friendship that has been very special to me.

What helps me to deal with these losses is to become very conscious of the gifts I have received from knowing these people and this place. I think about what I have learned from each and about how each has enriched my life. I think about how lucky I am to have had these people and this place in my life. How much joy and pleasure and growth and learning has come my way because of them. How different my life would have been without them and what I would have missed. It reminds me of the old saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

This morning, the minister of our church talked about "The Grateful Disposition" or how cultivating or having an attitude of gratitude sets us up to be happier, more giving and generous people. She also talked about how noticing what we are grateful for tends to bring more of the same into our lives. Basically, though she did not use these words, she was describing the "Law of Attraction". What we think about is what we get. As we think about the the things we are grateful for, we draw more of those things into our lives.

So, for example, as I think about all that I love and appreciate about Rockport (the town I moved from) - beauty, nature, ocean, friends, community, the arts, spiritual connection, and more - I continue to draw those things into my life.

Each time we experience a loss - especially one that moves us deeply - we can understand, as Little Orphan Annie did in the opening quote, that if we are deeply feeling the loss of someone or something it is because we had a special connection with, or relationship to, it. If it was hard to lose, it must have been very good or special when we had it. And in the recognizing of this - in the counting of our blessings - comes the healing and the gifts that can never be taken from us. And with this, we can move on.

Moving Through Transitions

In my life/work coaching practice, I work extensively with people in transition - life transitions, career transitions, and business transitions. The change points in our lives - whether personal or professional - are the times that offer the biggest possibilities for transformational growth. During these times, we are called upon to dig deep within ourselves to resolve old issues and prepare ourselves for new challenges and opportunities. This is where the "juice" is!

It is as if the LEGOs of our lives, which had been put together in a structure of a certain type, have now been taken apart and lie scattered on the floor, waiting for us to put them together again. We have choices. We can rebuild our lives exactly as they were before. [This rarely happens.] Or, we can reconstruct or reinvent our lives in new ways.

In that in-between space, when we sit on the floor staring at the scattered pieces, no longer formed in the old way and not yet formed in the new way, we encounter a mixed bag of emotions and experiences - chaos, uncertainty, the unknown, fear, loss, sadness, ennui, possibility, opportunity, creativity, imagination, excitement.

What happens when a "Transitions Coach" encounters her own life/work transitions? I can tell you some things about that. About two and a half months ago, I came upon a day which became a "perfect storm" of transitions - a "hat trick" of change. In other words, in one day in May - May 12th to be exact - big changes happened in three key areas of my life: I went through a personal bankruptcy hearing. I learned that I would have to move from my much-enjoyed apartment in Rockport due to a condo conversion, and I was given a month to do it. And a friendship with someone who was very dear to me came to an end. [Each of these events was independent of each other.] Many of the LEGO pieces of my life came apart and lay scattered before me, though fragments remained - my family, my health, and my business were still more or less intact.

What happened during that time? Well, grief, for one thing. All the stages of grief that Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross described in her epic book, On Death and Dying, came at me thick and fast - shock, denial, bargaining, fear, anger, depression, sadness, and, finally, acceptance. Is all of this behind me now? No, some sadness still remains. Maybe still a touch of anger now and then. But mostly, there is acceptance.

One professional and personal gift for me in this group of transitions is the gift of empathy. I have recently "been there" and now I have increased my capacity for empathy and compassion for my clients, friends, and family. I know at an experiential level what they are going through. I know the two sides of the transition coin; they are called Fear and Excitement. Or, they could be called Loss and Possibility.

I am still in the midst of a passage between two shores. I have left the familiar shores of home and friendship and have barely touched the shore of home on the other side, let alone new relationships and new opportunities. I have much yet to discover. I have reached the "New World" and it is full of possibility and opportunity. What awaits me here I do not know, but I am open to discovering it.

Another gift of this "perfect storm" was the much-needed forced opportunity to clear my life of both physical and emotional clutter. There is a lot of benefit to be derived from discarding "stuff" that no longer serves us. [I have written about this before in my series on the Letting-Go Experiments.]. And in these past two months or so, I have let go of lots and lots of excess stuff in my life - clothes, magazines, books, household items, tax records from the 90's, and office papers - lots and lots of papers. This "stuff" was choking my life - and my business (which has been improving since the move).

And on the emotional front, these losses also helped me to revisit and heal older losses and older grief triggered by these new events. I had the opportunity to clean both my physical house and my emotional house. And I got to thinking that perhaps most or many of us need to move - or make other significant changes in at least one area of our lives - every few years, in order to clear out the clutter – the "stuff" that no longer serves us.

Another metaphor I frequently use for this transition time and space is the metamorphosis of a caterpillar into a butterfly. It is in the in-between place - in the chrysalis, in the pupating phase - where transformational change takes place. In this phase, the major work is happening inside the cocoon, where no one looking on from the outside can see it. But one day the transformation is complete - the butterfly emerges from its cocoon, gets its feet under it, flaps its wings, and flies. And things are never again what they were. There is no turning back. It happens to caterpillars and it can happen to humans too.

So, what do we do, then, in this "New World" - the world of butterflies?

We keep our eyes open. We remain curious and receptive. We take it a day at a time. We live in the now. We say "thank you" for landing on our feet. We approach each day with appreciation, gratitude, and wonder. We are hopeful. We expand our horizons. We anticipate wonderful surprises.

And we play with the LEGOs of our life. We use our creativity, our imagination, our thoughtful minds to rebuild our lives, to reinvent ourselves once again.

We ask ourselves this question, first posed by Mary Oliver in her poem, "The Summer Day": Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

I plan to be open to Life's surprises, to want what I have, whatever that is, and to be happy.

What will Your answer be?

Greeting the New Year

Happy New Year, Dear Readers!

This would be a wonderful time to thank you for visiting our blog at any time since our launch in January of 2006 and to wish you every happiness and success in this new year of 2009.

Every year is a year of change, transition, and possibility - but perhaps this year more so than many. Though economic times may be tough and challenging for some, and though as a country and as a global population we still face challenges of many types, a new year always brings with it hope and the possibility of change for the better.

And in this country, and around the world, part of that hope will be brought to the fore with the inauguration of president-elect Barack Obama at noon on January 20th. In Mr. Obama, we have a leader who is extremely intelligent, thoughtful, perceptive, wise, inclusive, and far-seeing. His leadership already inspires hope and confidence.

To this mix, let us add two other words: patience and perseverance. Let us be patient as President Obama perseveres in finding solutions to our many dilemmas and challenges. Let us be both patient and persevering in pursuing our own goals and dreams and in solving our own dilemmas. And let each one of us be the change we hope to see around us.

Loss, Gratitude, and the Phone Company

Think about all the things we take for granted. Sometimes it takes a loss to help us appreciate what we have.

Tuesday morning I picked up my phone to make a call and the line was dead. No dial tone. Nothing. Nada. I tried every extension in the house. [There are three.] Same story.

I went searching for my cell phone, which I don't use very often. It was buried in my purse. I used it to call the phone company to report the problem.

I dialed the number provided for reporting technical problems. The phone was answered by an automated voice - female, pleasant, courteous, robotic. I tried to get through to a live person, but couldn't. This was partly due, I suspect, to the fact that Tuesday was a national holiday (Veterans Day) and there was probably only a skeleton staff of "live people" there. The auto-voice told me that service would be scheduled for Thursday, sometime between 8am and 6pm - at least 48 hours away! [Now, I have learned this trick, which I am passing on to you: When they provide a pause during which you are supposed so say a word like "yes" or "no" or a number, say "Agent". That should get you transfered to a Customer Service representative.]

When, after three tries, I finally reached a "live agent" on Wednesday morning, I put in a plea: Could you please come today rather than tomorrow? I have a business to run. I need to be available to my clients, as well as to family and friends.

No go. But I did get a morning appointment for today (Thursday). And at 10:15 this morning, I got a call from a repairman saying that the problem had been fixed. A wire in a cable a few blocks away had broken and was now repaired. [An auto-voice called me later in the day to report the same thing.]

I was immediately relieved and joyful and flooded with gratitude. It occurred to me then that there are so many things in life that we have and take for granted - phone service, electricity, computers, access to email and the internet, material goods, family, friends, lovers, spouses, pets, health, housing, food, democracy, military protection, social security, medicare, pensions, paid benefits, sunrises and full moons ... ah, I could go on and on here.

Sometimes it helps to lose something or someone we take for granted. We get to see how fortunate and blessed we are (or were) to have had them in our lives. Right now, I feeling very grateful for phone service - and for everything else on that list above!

Emotional Transitions: Loss and Grief

My Designing Your Life work is all about coaching people through transitions and change. With the recent transition from summer into fall, I have been witnessing a lot of change, and with it the emotional upheavals that come with that change. Loss seems to be a big theme this fall.

In this year's transition from summer to fall, the winds of change came blowing through with gale force, impacting not only my life and the lives of my family, friends, clients, and colleagues, but also the lives of most people in this country and around the globe. Wars, political campaigns, weather challenges, and, most of all, economic upheavals of major proportions have shaken the very foundations of our assumptions about how life "should" be. Many people have been forced to re-evaluate their lives in various ways. And some have been forced into transitions or changes, not always desired or of their own choosing.

My friend Judy observed yesterday that this year's transition from summer into fall seems to have evoked a lot of sadness - more than usual, it seemed to her. I have noticed the same thing, not only in others around me, but also within myself.

Just within my own small circle, there is much loss and sadness - an in-law observing the first anniversary of her husband's death, a new friend still grieving the recent loss of his wife to cancer, a colleague reluctantly closing her business, a client upset over the loss of her job, a friend facing possible breast cancer, a relative hospitalized with depression. And, as for me, I find myself grieving the loss of a very special friendship - not through death, thank goodness, but through what may be inadequately described here as "irreconcilable differences".

Through these events, I have been reminded once again that loss is a natural and inevitable part of the cycle of life. And when we lose someone or something dear to us, or important to us in some way, we need to grieve that loss. And I am reminded of the ground-breaking work of Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and her description of the grief process outlined in her classic book On Death and Dying.

Kubler-Ross broke down the grieving process into the five stages listed below. Within each of the stages, there are nuances, variations, and sub-topics to consider. Not everyone who grieves goes through these five stages - at all, or in this order. For some, the whole cycle is very short (a matter of minutes or days); for others, the cycle can last a much longer time (months, years, most of a lifetime, perhaps). They are:

1. Denial - If a loss is sudden and unexpected, the very first stage can be shock. This includes a physiological response in which the body reacts strongly. Fainting or a kind of emotional numbness are two examples of this response. This is followed by denial - an inability to accept the loss, despite the evidence.

2. Anger - When the shock wears off, the next response could be sadness and tears. But often, it is not. Anger is commonly the next major response. Anger at anything from another person to onesself to more and more external causes - the boss who downsized you, the driver of the car that hit your loved one, the doctor who couldn't cure an illness, the friend who observed your spouse being unfaithful, but didn't say anything - or at something as intangible as fate, destiny, or God. Anger is a healthy, useful, natural part of grieving. It is important to honor that, and express it. And it is also most important not to get stuck there. One can forfeit way too much of one's life staying stuck in anger.

3. Bargaining - This is the phase where, still in denial, one tries to stave off the inevitable. This might be called the "if only" stage, as in "If only I were to do this [whatever "this" is], I might not lose that [whatever "that" is]. One might, for example, explore other job opportunities within your company with the HR representative who has just fired you and is processing your termination. Or, you might try to shore up a crumbling relationship by offering to alter your thoughts, beliefs, or behaviors in order to make it work. Or you might ward off the diagnosis of a terminal illness by talking with other doctors and health professionals and trying every remedy you can think of. And while these bargaining measures do occasionally work, way more often they do not. And when they do not, the next stage sets in.

4. Depression - Depression can wear more than one face. It could be anger turned inward towards onesself, rather than at the world. [This is when getting in touch with your anger is especially important in the grieving process.] It is most often expressed as sadness, sometimes a very profound and long-lasting sadness. And tears are healing. Sadness, too, must be honored. One's energy can be low during this phase, and it is important to honor one's need for rest and nurturing. Sometimes the depression becomes so marked that the grieving person retreats from the world, and essentially shuts down emotionally. While this can be healthy for a short period of time, it becomes unhealthy when it goes on too long. At this point, the grieving person is unable to reach out for help, and the support of family, friends, and health professionals becomes so very important.

5. Acceptance - Sooner or later, one finally faces the loss head on and accepts it. This could take minutes, hours, days, or years. While there may still be moments of residual sadness, the predominant feelings become relief and a growing sense of peace. Once you have reached the stage of acceptance, it becomes much easier to move on and fully take up your life again.

Remember that loss and grieving are as natural to life as is the change of seasons. Remember, too, that as in all change, "this too shall pass". And there is also the wisdom of this observation: "When God closes a door, he/she opens another one somewhere else." When you face an important loss in your life, allow yourself to grieve. Understand the process and let yourself go with it - all the way to the final stage of acceptance.

Most of the time, the times of transition in our lives, in which the most important life changes and growth take place, not only involve loss but also gain. The deepest and most challenging changes in our lives are also the most life-changing - and almost always for the better. In his book, Illusions, author Richard Bach writes this:

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world,
the master calls a butterfly.

Letting Go Experiment: Two Years Later

In June of 2006, I began my Letting Go Experiment - a personal project intended to last for one year. I was curious to see how my life might change if I released 365 "things" from my life - one per day for a year. Mostly, I released material things - household items, clothing, books, magazines, tapes and CD's, office supplies, unopened food packages. But here and there, I also released non-material items: habits, thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, and the like. At the end of the first 365 days, I reported on what I had done.

Then, I decided to extend the experiment. I continued to log everything I released from my life for another four months and again published the results in my blog, Letting Go Experiment: Month 16.

The last entry in my daily Letting-Go Log is dated October 31, 2007. But I find that letting go continues to be both a theme and a practice in my life, two years after I began in June of 2006.

In the months between November 1, 2007 and June 30, 2008, I released the following from my life: a few more household items, a couple more magazine subscriptions, a commercialized celebration of the December holidays, 30 additional pounds of body weight (a total of 45 altogether), an entire wardrobe of clothing, sizes 14 through 22 (I am now a 12), except for a few pieces that were altered, some unproductive eating habits, and some prescription medication. And that's not all.

More important than all of these "things", the most challenging and worthwhile things released from my life during this experiment were non-material - all were forms of thought originating in my mind: limiting beliefs, assumptions and interpretations, negative self-talk, fears, resentments, petty jealousies and other negative emotions, prejudices, unrealistic wants and expectations, unproductive habits and behaviors.

What have I learned from this experiment?

1. I have too much stuff! Yes, even after 2 years of releasing material stuff from my life, I still have more than I need, and my physical space is still more cluttered that I would like it to be. A life of material simplicity is still a goal. Imagine how our resources might expand, or be preserved, if we all had this goal!

2. Letting go of excess material stuff also seems to result in letting go of excess and non-productive non-material thoughts and behaviors as well. This is excellent incentive for continuing to let go of the material stuff.

3. Letting go of "stuff" makes room for new (and better) "stuff" to come into one's life. [Read "stuff" as anything of value: people, relationships, things, work, play, ideas, emotions, experiences, thoughts, habits, beliefs, etc.] [Yes, it really does seem to work this way!]

4. Letting go involves what Buddhists call "non attachment". And I have found non-attachment to be a very challenging concept to put into practice - and a subject to explore further in another blog entry.

So, what about you, dear reader? What about the internal and external clutter in YOUR life? If you released some of the non-productive "stuff" in your life - both material and non-material - what room might you create for something new and better to come into your life?

Patience - or When Will This Long Winter Be Over!

It is the end of March in New England. The calendar tells us that we have officially been in Spring for ten days now. But are we? It sure doesn't feel like it, with periodic days of snow/sleet/rain and temperatures in the 20's and 30's, brought down to the teens with the wind chill factor. When WILL Spring really arrive? And after that, Summer - my favorite time of year? We've had the Lion; now where's the Lamb?!

I have been feeling like a kid waiting for a birthday that never seems to come. Oh, the anticipation - the party, the friends, the fun, the presents, the cake! Days seemed to pass to excruciatingly slowly, back in those days. And even today, when I am looking forward to some special event, the days sometimes still seem to inch along, snail-like. [Of course, I no longer am impatient for birthdays to arrive, but that's another story!]

But lately, I've been looking at this a whole new way, thanks to - among other things - some study in Buddhism, the works of Eckhart Tolle, and a chance comment from a friend.

Let's start with the friend, who put it this way: "Without winter, there can be no summer. How would we ever know or appreciate the joys of summer without having gone through winter first?"

How indeed! Life is full of contrasts, which together help us know and explore the whole range of what it means to be human: winter-summer, hot-cold, day-night, good-evil, war-peace, rich-poor, young-old, sound-silence, male-female, together-alone, fat-thin, happy-sad, love-hate (actually, it's love-indifference, but that, too, is another story). How can any one of these things exist, without it's opposite?

So, what does all this have to do with Patience?

It all has to do with recognizing these things:

(1)Everything we experience in life has value. Every moment of every day can teach us something, if we are open to the lessons.

(2)Life is short, and precious. Why waste a moment of it pining for what has been or longing for what has not yet been and may never be?

(3)Most of life is illusion. Only the present moment is real. Past and future are just thoughts in our heads. Memories (often faulty), ideas, beliefs, imaginings, fantasies - none of these are real. Ram Das summed it up in a nutshell: Be here now! Eckhart Tolle expands on this theme so eloquently in his books The Power of Now and A New Earth.

(4)Change is inevitable. That is the very nature of Life. As they say about the New England weather, "If you don't like the weather, just wait a moment; it will change. And if you do like the weather, it will still change." So it is with all of life.

Patience is that quality that allows us to slow down, to pay attention to what is before us in the present moment, to enjoy each tiny step of our Grand Journey through life. Patience is knowing and accepting that change is inevitable, that every moment is precious, and whether painful or joyful, every event, every season of our lives, brings with it special gifts - much better and more lasting than any birthday gift could ever be.

So, be patient. Your next gift is as close as the next moment! Perhaps it is even right here, right now! [Click "right now" for a special meditative moment.]

Designing Your Life - Taking Stock

January is an ideal time to begin the process of re-vamping or redesigning your life. When you are in, or approaching, a transition period in your life, where do you begin to redesign your life?

Well, think about it for a moment. If you decided to make a new recipe that you had never made before, what would you do? You have the recipe in front of you. You recognize some ingredients and some directions, perhaps, and are unfamiliar perhaps with others. So, the first thing you might do is to check your cupboards, pantry, and refrigerator to see which ingredients you already have and then you make a list of the items you will need to purchase.

The very first step is checking to see what you already have. In the Designing Your Life process, I call this Taking Stock. In this first phase, you take a good and thorough look at yourself and your life, and you identify all the things you bring to the table thus far. Whether you are in your teens or in your golden years, or anywhere in between, this is a critical first step in re-inventing your self or creating the life of your dreams. Here are some of the "ingredients" you might check out:

- Life experience
- Work experience
- Roles you play in your life
- Skills, talents
- Aptitudes
- Personal characteristics, strengths & weaknesses
- Interests, passions
- Personality type
- Values
- Life purpose

Our Designing Your Life program and the accompanying Designing Your Life workbook provide a structured way of taking stock of all the qualities and experiences that contribute to who you are today and support you in bringing them forward into the next phase of your life, while at the same time identifying new skills, talents, and so forth that you wish to develop. The program contains exercises and tools for exploring each of these "ingredients" and more.

You can also do this without the structure and support of a program, coach, group, or book (though support is a very valuable part of the process for most people). Here are some tips for making the most of your personal Taking Stock process:

1. Purchase a spiral notebook or large blank journal that will be devoted exclusively to this Designing Your Life process.

2. Set aside some segments of quiet, uninterrupted time in which to do your stock-taking. Create a contemplative mood for yourself, perhaps by walking first or meditating or breathing quietly or listening to soothing music.

3. Consider each of the points on the list above, and take time to address each one separately and thoroughly. For some aspects (such as skills, characteristics, interests, values), you can make lists. Others may require other tools or approaches (free-writing, resume reviews, specialized assessments, etc.). Plan to do these exercises in small sessions, one or two aspects at a time, over a period of days or weeks.

4. For the lists you have, identify the top ten in each area and then rank-order them in order of importance to you. This is especially important in the area of your Values.

5. Create a summary page that pulls together all that you have learned about yourself, including all of your Top Ten lists.

When you have completed the Taking Stock phase of this process, it will be time for the Visioning phase - an exploration of the future life, career, or business you wish to create. In the next blog, we will take a look at that phase.

Meanwhile, if you find that you could use some coaching support in your Taking Stock process, please contact me. I am committed to your success and well-being!

Choice Point - Get a Job or Start a Business?

So many people today face this decision at some point in their working life. Some right out of the gate, after high school or college. Some after being downsized or fired. Some in midlife, when a desire for change is at its peak. Some at retirement.

The question is: which is the best decision for You?

Not everyone is cut out to be an entrepreneur. There are many factors to consider. Some are internal, or are specific to you. Other factors are external, and are influenced by factors outside yourself, such as economics, business climate, competition, politics, family issues, social issues, finances, and other external factors.

In the next series of Blog articles, we will explore many different aspects of entrepreneurship and what it means to be an entrepreneur. We will start with some of the internal factors, such as personal qualities, risk tolerance, and financial readiness - all meant to help you answer the question, Is Entrepreneurship Right for Me?

Tackling this question, this decision, this choice point, reminds me of the Robert Frost poem, The Road Not Taken. It is a definite choice point in one's life - a decision as large as deciding to marry or to have children. It is a decision that deserves to be carefully considered, for entrepreneurship requires a strong committment. And perhaps, if you choose the entrepreneurial path, you will find yourself one day echoing Frost's words:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.

A Choice: Bloom or Wither in the Bud?

I love flowers! The other day, I purchased a bouquet of fall flowers from the supermarket. The bouquet was mostly a mixture of pink asters, lavender heather, and some feathery greens. However, in the midst of this bouquet, there was one beautiful long-stemmed rose, in perfect bud about to open. The petals were a creamy white, veined and edged with pink.

The rose is one of my very favorite flowers. To me, it symbolizes many things, including beauty, grace, elegance, romance, love, possibility, and the unfolding of one's full potential.

I decided to remove the rose from the bouquet and place it in its own special vase. Then, I eagerly awaited the unfolding and blooming of this gorgeous bud.

The thing is, it never blossomed. As I write this, I am looking at this tight white rosebud, now with faded pink edges, dried up and withering on its stem. It will never open, unfold, be splendid in its fullness.

I remember thinking about the life cycle of the rose many years ago, when I was in a women's group and the facilitator led us through a guided meditation in which we imagined ourselves as a flower. I had chosen to imagine myself as a long-stemmed red rose. As I visualized the bud forming on the end of the stem, grow larger, become an exquisite bud just starting to unfold, I felt great joy and a sense of anticipation. I continued to imagine the bud opening, as if in time-lapse photography, until it was fully open and at the peak of its magnificence. It was breathtaking. Then, I continued watching as the rose continued to open beyond its peak and the petals began to drop, one by one, and the remains of the flower began to wither and dry up. At that point, I began to feel both sad and scared, as I fully grasped not only the life cycle of the rose but the life cycle of all living things, including me.

The first time after that experience that I observed a rosebud that had withered and died before it opened, I imagined that perhaps it was afraid to open because it didn't want to fade, lose its petals, and die. But the irony was that it did fade, wither, and die anyway. It just never got to be glorious in all its fullness.

How are people like roses? We all start out as the budding rose, preparing to bloom in all our splendor. And some of us do just that. Sadly, many of us do not. Some get picked early or nipped in the bud by frost. And some buds never do open; they just wither on the stem without ever blooming.

Somehow, all this pondering led me to think about two actresses who reminded me of roses. One is Marilyn Monroe, who died in full bloom, and thus never got to be old or withered. Some theorize that she took her life for just this reason - so that she would always remain in people's memories at the peak of her blooming. (I have a different theory about her death, but that is beside the point.) Another is Elizabeth Taylor, a most magnificent rose, who is allowing herself to go full cycle. And then I thought of people I know - friends, family, clients, colleagues, and, yes, even myself - who hold something in themselves back from life and living and don't allow themselves to flower fully into their most magnificent selves. And I wonder: Is this holding back all about the fear of aging and/or dying? Do some people, like the withered, tightly-closed rosebud in the vase on my desk, hold onto their petals so fiercely, for fear of losing them, that they never allow themselves their moment in the sun?

Finally, I get it. Whether we bloom or not, we will eventually age and die. Holding tightly to the bud stage will not prevent this, or even forestall it.

So, here's the choice then: Would you rather bloom fully, knowing that you would eventually lose all your petals, or hold on tightly as a rosebud, full of promise, but never reaching your full potential? Isn't that a choice we all have to make? Maybe more than once? Maybe daily?

What's your choice?

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Although this Blog site is not set up to be interactive at this time, feel free to contact me with your comments.

Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

Coming Unstuck: A Sailing Metaphor

Have you ever been in a position where you have had a big decision to make, and found yourself stuck and unable to make it? This decision might lead to the kind of change that would alter your life in big, and largely unforseeable, ways. We're talking about BIG decisions - like whether or not to take or leave a job, change careers, start or close a business, get married or divorced, start a family, retire or not, move to another part of the country or to another country, enlist in the armed forces or join the Peace Corps.

Perhaps you were faced with an array of choices and couldn't narrow them down to THE one? Or perhaps you were faced with two strongly compelling choices pulling on you in equal but opposite directions, and you felt immobilized in an inner tug of war? Or perhaps no choice is all that compelling and you cannot find your direction at all?

The net result is that you find yourself unable to make a move in any direction. You begin to shut down. You lose energy and all momentum for change. You just drift, directionless, letting the currents take you where they will. People close to you begin to worry and to give you labels like depressed, lazy, drifter.

This has happened to me more than once. In fact, it is happening to me now, as I contemplate a move to another state.

I have learned to embrace these times. I'm no longer afraid of them. Robert Persig says, in his book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: "Drifting is what ones does when looking at lateral truth." What I have been doing these past few months is looking at lateral truth - another way of saying "exploring options and multiple possibilities".

I love to sail and used to do it quite frequently in the summer. And here are some things I have learned from sailing that apply to this business of drifting, getting stuck, and coming unstuck.

Many years ago, I went on a week-long windjammer cruise on the schooner Mary Day out of Camden, Maine. We started out in a brisk wind that quickly and unexpectedly developed into a rain squall. The squall passed within a short time and by nightfall we were safely ensconced in a new harbor. The next day, we had sunshine and a fair wind. In the course of the week, we sailed under a variety of conditions: sunshine, rain, fog; heavy wind, light wind, no wind; hot, cold. The only constant was change.

One day, we were becalmed. It was sunny and hot, but there was no wind - zero...nada. And this windjammer had only a small motor that was used exclusively for navigating small harbors and for docking and undocking. It did not carry enough fuel to get us very far. So, we drifted on the ocean that day, using neither sails nor engine, and we passed the time sunbathing on the deck and swimming in the icy Maine waters. The crew members gave each other haircuts and did some projects. The cook outdid himself for dinner that evening. The 28 guests read, napped, played guitars and sang, and got to know each other better. At the end of this long day of "going nowhere", some of the guests began to get restless, either out of boredom or anxiety. "When is the wind going to pick up?" they would ask the captain. The captain would just shrug his shoulders and answer, "when it does". Though he did have a radio and did listen to the weather forecasts, he prefered to have his guests experience the rhythm of life at sea, as it was before the time of radios and such.

Eventually, the next morning, the wind did pick up and we were off again. The period of being becalmed, and possibly stranded, was over. It was then that I really began to understand that Life is made up of all kinds of weather and NONE of it lasts forever, neither the calm nor the storm, the sun nor the rain, the hot nor the cold. Now, when I find myself becalmed in my life, with no wind in sight, I have learned to trust those downtimes - those "doldrums" - and to rest and relax my way through them.

Another thing I've learned from sailing is how to "get out of irons". When a sailboat heads directly into the wind, the sails are unable to catch the wind, and thus to propel the boat forward. The boat stops dead in the water. If the wind is very strong, the boat may even be pushed backwards a little, just from the pressure of the wind on the bow and the mast. This condition of heading directly into the wind and therefore being unable to move forward is called "being in irons". Now, perhaps you have set a course and your destination is exactly in the direction where the wind is coming from. If you head your boat directly toward that destination, the boat goes nowhere. In order to get out of irons, the skipper must move the rudder to one side or the other and change the heading of the boat. Now, the boat is no longer heading for the course destination, but the sails again fill with wind and the boat moves ahead, gaining speed and momentum. This maneuver is called tacking. And when you are heading for a destination directly "upwind", it is necessary to tack back and forth in a zig-zagging pattern until you reach your destination.

Coming unstuck from the immobilizing place of being unable to make a big decision often involves a psychological maneuver that is very much like tacking to get out of irons. You make a choice - any choice - left or right, port or starboard, yes or no, this or that - and you begin to catch some wind (get energized) and gain some momentum (begin taking action of some kind). You are out of the doldrums, out of depression, out of a drifting pattern. Now you are heading somewhere. It might not be your intended destination. But when you are in motion, it is easier to find the wind and tack again and again, while plotting your new course.

The bottom line: Give yourself permission to drift while looking at lateral truth and to get yourself unstuck and out of irons by making a decision - any decision, even the "wrong" one - thereby building up the energy and momentum you need in order to chart and follow a new course.

In transitional situations like this, I find it helpful and motiviating to recall Helen Keller's oft-quoted words: "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." What kind of adventure is your life shaping up to be?

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A Transition Coach in Transition

Transition coaching is my speciality as a Life/Work Empowerment Coach. I coach people who are facing, or are in the midst of, a variety of life, career, or business transitions - people such as:

- College students (and others) wanting to answer the question "What do I want to do when I grow up?"
- Stay-at-home moms wanting to go back to work or start a business
- Men and women who have been downsized, fired, laid off - or have quit in frustration - who want support during a job search or who want to figure out what they REALLY want to do
- People who want to give their lives a complete makeover and want to redesign their total lives; people who want to create and live the life of their dreams, a life that will bring fulfillment and joy
- People relocating geographically who want to get support with planning and executing the move
- People in relationship transitions such as: creating or dissolving of a committed relationship, marriage, birth and family growth, separation, divorce, illness and health crises, and death of a spouse or loved one
- People in a life passage transition - such as mid-life, empty nest, or retirement - who are asking the question, "Ok, so what's next in my life or career or business?"
- People who are asking the deep, soul-searching questions such as: What is my Calling? What is my true Purpose in life? What am I most Passionate about? And how can I live my passion? What are my core Values and Priorities and how can I live my life in alignment with those values and priorities? Who am I, really, at the deepest levels? How will I make a difference in my life?

OK, now having said all that, what happens when a Transition Coach such as myself finds herself in transition? I am in the midst of what I would call a "mega-transition" - one that involves several life and career changes all at the same time.

First, let me say that the reason I am drawn to serving people in transition is that I have been through many, many transitions myself - career and business transitions, relationship transitions, geographical relocation transitions, health transitions, life passage transitions. In the course of all these transitions, I have learned many, many things that are useful to others.

I have also learned this from my experience: A time of transition - and the more challenging the better - is also a time of tremendous personal and/or professional growth. Transition is a catalyst for a cauldron of possibility that can lead to quantum change. It can be a time of profound transformation.

Transitions often create anxiety and fear. Fear of the unknown is normal and natural. My clients experience this, and so do I. Having gone through a number of life and work transitions, I now know that - scary as it is - a transition is the best thing that could happen to me, or to you. When you begin to view a transition as an opportunity, rather than as a threat, the fear lessens, blocks dissolve, and great things begin to happen.

So, how does a Transition Coach get through a transition, especially a "mega-transition"?

By getting help, support, and information, same as my clients do. I work with a trusted coach, a peer support group, a business master-mind group. I enlist the help of friends and family members. I read books, articles. I attend networking meetings, workshops, seminars, and inspirational talks. I research and get information, so that I can make informed choices. I sort things out by writing in my journal, meditating, and taking long walks. I work on eliminating clutter - material and non-material - from my life. I try out some things. And I am suppported by knowing that once I am through this latest transition, I will have even more to offer my clients and my readers.

So, if you, too, are in the midst of a transition, large or small, what are some things you could do that will help you make use of this "cauldron of possibility" to create significant growth and change in your life, career, or business?

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Although this Blog site is not set up to be interactive at this time, feel free to contact me with your comments.

Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

Butterflies, Transitions, and Transformation

Recently, I was asked why I seem to have chosen the butterfly as the symbol, or logo, for my business. This is what I said...

I am drawn to the butterfly as a symbol of my work because it is a metaphor for the kind of deep transformation that can occur during a significant transition period in one's life - an evolution into one's full potential, from which there is no going back.

If we think metaphorically about ourselves beginning as caterpillars that eat (take in information) and grow to a point where we understand intiuitively that that something significant and deep has to occur in order for us to reach our full potential, then we can understand any transition as an opportunity to enter that cocooning place where deep changes could be taking place in our psyche as well as in our physical being or outer life.

As we move through this transformative transition - this pupation stage, where lots of inner work is taking place, though nothing much may appear to the casual observer to be happening - we finally assimilate all the information and inner wisdom we have gathered over time and are ready to emerge as a butterfly - a magnificent version of ourselves - the expression of our full potential, our true life purpose - free to fly, create, and make a difference in the world.

Transitions may come to us organically as we pass through the various life stages, or they may be forced upon us by events in or out of our control - serious accidents, illness, job loss or severe job dissatisfaction, marriage, childbirth, divorce, death of a loved one, and the like. Or, they may be signaled by deep internal stirrings - feelings of restlessness, boredom, confusion, lack of direction, depression, or general ennui.

Not every transition period in a person's life will lead to this type of deep transformation. But some do, and the potential is always there. Often, the event we label as "mid-life" crisis is actually signaling the end of the caterpillar phase of our lives and the beginning of the pupation process - the outward expression of a compelling inner drive towards being our most authentic self and living life at our full potential. Though I mention mid-life, this drive for transformative change can come upon us at any age or stage in our life.

There is a wonderful allegorical story called Hope for the Flowers, written by Trina Paulus in the 1970's (Paulist Press, 1973) that first drew me to the caterpillar/cocoon/butterfly as the symbol for the work I do in coaching people through transitions. Witnessing my clients emerge as the butterflies they were always meant to be brings me great joy.

Hope for the Flowers is a story about two caterpillars, Stripe and Yellow, who become friends. Both are becoming disastisfied with caterpillar life. As the story progresses, Yellow begins to learn about butterflies and is told that she could become one, if she were willing to risk going through a period when she would stop being a caterpillar but would not yet become a butterfly. She is told, "You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." And she is encouraged by a butterfly she has met: "You'll be a beautiful butterfly - we're all waiting for you!" And so, she takes the risk and does eventually emerge as a yellow butterfly, beautiful and free. Soon afterwards, she helps Stripe to risk as well, and he begins to spin his cocoon.

What about you? Are you ready to risk for a butterfly?

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Designing Your Life - When Things Fall Apart

There comes a time (or more than one) in each of our lives when something shifts or changes, and it's time to re-invent ourselves and re-design our lives. The process of change can be scary, and it can also be very exciting. Patterns that are known and familiar, whether they serve us or not, suddenly become disassembled and the pieces lie about in disarray.

Imagine a child's creation made with Lego pieces. Perhaps it is a fort or a castle, a truck or a robot. And suddenly that creation is pulled apart by a playmate or a sibling. There it is, in shambles, the colorful pieces in a heap, no longer in the familiar and recognizable form. There can be a sense of loss, of confusion, of uncertainty - especially if the change is unexpected and unwelcome. But there is also the opportunity to put these pieces back together in a different way, to create something new and even more exciting.

Usually, at the point that people come to me for coaching on re-designing their lives, something in their lives has been, or is about to be, dismantled. Perhaps they have just started or ended a relationship, have made a signifcant geographical move, have been downsized from a job, or have hit a major life milestone that requires choosing a new direction, such as graduation, marriage, the birth of the first child, the departure of the last child, or the approach of retirement. The familiar patterns of their lives have come apart and lie like Lego pieces all around the floor.

It does not matter if the changes are anticipated and desired ones or forced and painful ones. Either way, they can be stressful and confusing as well as tremendous opportunities for growth and re-creation. When a life comes apart, either in a small way or totally, the first step is to understand that change is happening and that it is natural to go through a grieving process for whatever is lost. This grieving process can take minutes, days, months, or years - depending upon the magnitude or desirability of the change - as we move through the phases of shock, denial, fear, anger, depression, sadness and, finally, acceptance. At the point of acceptance, it is time to re-group and re-build. Then, it is time to re-design your life.

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If you have enjoyed this post, please share your comments below and then visit my Web site and subscribe to my monthly e-newsletter.