On Winning: 25 Life Lessons Learned from Playing Free Cell

OK, I admit it: I am a Free Cell devotee. Once I get started, I can play it for hours. I know I have compatriots out there. I have heard their sheepish confessions.

For those few who have not heard of Free Cell, I will explain. Free Cell is a computerized version of solitaire. This game is one of four that comes already loaded as a freebie on Microsoft operating systems. I have been playing Free Cell since 2003.

It's been challenging to justify the time I spend playing Free Cell. Mostly, I play when I need a break from all the work I do on my computer. I play for fun, for the challenge, for a change of pace, to combat boredom, to counter frustration or upset, to kill time while waiting for something else to happen. Occasionally I play to clear my mind - an almost meditative experience. Today was one of those days.

From the time I first began playing Free Cell five years ago to now, my ratio of winning:losing has increased enormously. When I first started playing, I rarely won a game. Now, I rarely lose. Today I began to think about why that is so and about how much I have learned while playing Free Cell. For the fun of it, I jotted down some of the things I have learned by playing this game. Then came the big AHA! - the moment when I saw the parallels between winning at the game of Free Cell and winning at the game of Life!

And now - to justify my habit - I am passing on these insights to you: 25 life lessons I learned from playing Free Cell:

1. The deal of the cards in a hand is random. There is no particular reason why you got a good hand or a bad hand. [For that matter, there is no such thing as a "good" or "bad" hand. A hand is just a hand. It is what it is.]

2. Play the hand you are dealt.

3. You win some and you lose some.

4. The trick is to win more than you lose.

5. Whether you win or lose has a lot to do with the choices you make. Most hands can be won if you play your cards right.

6. But not always. Occasionally, you are dealt a hand that cannot be won, no matter how you play it. As soon as you realize it cannot be won, let it go and move on to the next hand.

7. Winning on a consistent basis seems to come more easily if you start out by winning the first game.

8. Sometimes you start out with a winning hand, and sometimes you don't.

9. If you play long enough, you will start winning.

10. Once you start winning, keep playing and soon you will find yourself on a winning streak. The more you win, the more you keep winning. [This I have observed empirically over time.]

11. Losing streaks work the same way.

12. When you experience yourself as a Winner enough times, you begin to believe you are a Winner.

13. When you begin to believe you are a Winner, you do, in fact, become a Winner. [Why is this so? My theory: you first believe you are a winner, then begin to think and act like a winner - more strategically and with confidence. You get bolder. You try new moves. You are open to new options. You explore new possibilities. You risk more. You trust your intuition more.]

14. Being a Winner doesn't mean that you win every game. It means that you win more games than you lose - often, many more games. It also means that you keep playing, even (or especially) when you've just lost.

15. When a Winner sees that s/he does not have a winning hand, s/he quickly folds and plays a new hand.

16. Winning sometimes involves sacrificing a short term gain for the possibility of a long term win.

17. Winning involves learning from your mistakes.

18. When you lose a hand, replay it and try a different approach. If that doesn't work, replay the hand once more. When you've tried all the variations you can think of, and you're still not winning, move on to a new game.

19. Sometimes the obvious move is not the best move. (And sometimes, it is.)

20. Winning is not about getting it perfect; winning is about getting it done in a timely way.

21. Winning involves several things, some of which may seem contradictory - for example, using both logic and intuition to arrive at the winning hand.

22. Winners are not afraid of losing a game. Why? Because they KNOW they will win again in the future.

23. Playing Free Cell (or any game - real, virtual, or psychological) can become addictive. If you cannot stop playing when you know you should, it's time to quit playing the game altogether. If you cannot quit, get help! See a coach or a therapist, join a 12-step program, or remove the game from your computer (or your life).

24. Playing games can be fun and relaxing. But they are not Life.

25. Walking away from a game - whether winning or losing - can be challenging. Walking away when it is time to stop IS Winning - at the game of Life!

Success and Fulfillment: What Has Support Got to Do With It?

In the September 4th online issue of the New York Times, tennis giant Andre Agassi, after playing his last professional match, is quoted as addressing his fans in this way:

"The scoreboard said I lost today, but what the scoreboard doesn't say is what it is I have found. Over the last 21 years, I have found loyalty. You have pulled for me on the court and also in life. I found inspiration. You have willed me to succeed, sometimes even in my lowest moments, and I've found generosity. You have given me your shoulders to stand on to reach for my dreams, dreams I could never have reached without you."

It strikes me that this is one of the most elegant and profound expressions of gratitude that I have ever heard or read.

Agassi's quote also reminds me of John Donne's words, "No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main...."

We all need each other. We need each other's shoulders to stand on.

I confess that I am one of those people who finds it challenging to ask for support, though I am beginning to change this. I seem to have a willfully independent spirit - an "I-can-do-it-myself" mentality. But as I mature, I am coming to understand Donne's message - that no man or woman stands alone - and so I have found Agassi's words both inspiring and instructive. Perhaps you have too?

In order to have shoulders to stand on, we need to do three things:

• be willing to ask for support
• be open to receiving that support
• acknowledge, appreciate, and treasure that support, as Agassi has so graciously acknowledged his fans.

These three things are not always easy for some people to do. The first and second steps have been especially challenging to me on many occasions.

As you continue to build and reach for dreams in your life, whose shoulders are you standing on? If your answer includes one name or many names, have you told them so lately?

If the answer is "no one's", then how could you begin to reach out today and start building a support system for yourself?

And for whom are you a shoulder to stand on? What does it take to be a shoulder to stand on? And how are these two things connected - being the shoulder and being the stander?

It suddenly becomes very clear to me that this interdependence, this interlocking web of supporting and being supported, is the very essence of human connection, and is the foundation for success and fulfillment.

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