Philosophy of Life

Recently, a friend asked me these questions:

• What is your philosophy of life?
• How do you explain the world/your life to yourself?
• On what do you base your decisions?

He was looking for an encapsulation that I could not come up with on the spot. But I have been thinking about these questions for several days now, and I think I have come up with some answers.

I have come to the conclusion that there is no one, easy-to-sum-up, philosophy that runs my life. There are many aspects that make up my answers to these questions. But there is a bottom line, as you will discover.

As you read what I came up with, I invite you to think about your own answers to these questions.

Here are some of mine:

• Biology is destiny. To me, this means that some aspects of my life are out of my control and are influenced or determined by things like my gender (female), race (caucasian), genetic makeup (my inherited genes), physical characteristics (height, weight, physical attractiveness, physical mobility & agility, health, age, and the like.) Acceptance of these characteristics is crucial to one's happiness.
• Time and place also influence our destiny. Being born in the USA in the middle of the 20th century, and living in various US states - especially Florida, New Hampshire, Connecticut, and Massachusetts - have all impacted my life and destiny in various ways.
• Our culture(s) influences our life choices. We exist within our culture(s) the way fish swim in water. Within the culture of the USA, there are many sub-cultures. These include nationality of origin, regional cultures, religious traditions, family cultures, workplace cultures, and the like. Often, we are so immersed in our culture and sub-cultures that we are unaware of how they influence us.
• We all have free will and our choices are our destiny. There's a qualifier. Choice and free will operate within certain confines. Some of us have more choices than others.
• Life is largely based on luck and chance. Sometimes we have good luck, sometimes bad luck. Some of us have more of one than the other. My experience - and hence my belief - is that luck is more often on my side than against it.
• Dualities exist and always will. Duality is often the nature of things. A contrast is needed in order for either to exist. Consider whether any one of these things could exist without the other: Day and Night, Light and Dark, Hot and Cold, War and Peace, Heaven and Hell, Good and Evil, Joy and Sadness, Male and Female, Yin and Yang, Intimacy and Freedom, Democrats and Republicans, etc. We need to accept duality as a necessary and inevitable part of human existence.
• This is a random universe to which we bring meaning. This quote from Sheldon Kopp's 1976 book, If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him!, has always made sense to me. So many things we have come to believe and act on - perhaps even fight to the death for - are based on mystery or inadequate information. Yet we cling to these ideas as if they were absolute reality - reality that no one can prove.
• Every person lives inside of his/her own reality. No two people - not even identical twins - see or experience life in exactly the same way. Ultimately, our brain controls our perceptions and our internal and external experiences of life and the world around us. (And, in a way, this goes back to the idea that "biology is destiny".) Each person's "cognitive style" is unique to him/herself.
• Our thoughts create our reality. This is an extension of the point above. Buddha is quoted as saying, "All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” This is where we DO have some free will and choice to guide our destiny. Our thoughts include our beliefs, values, ethics, principles, priorities, purpose, fantasies, imaginations, imagery, goals, wants, and more. Our thoughts, moreover, create our emotions - our feelings and feeling states.
• Our beliefs create our reality. Our beliefs are one form of thought. Our belief system runs our life. If our life is going well, then our belief system is working for us. If our life is not going so well, perhaps the place to examine first is our belief system. Changing our disempowering beliefs is not always easy, but it IS possible, and herein lies the place where free will and choice can operate most effectively.
• Our temperment heavily influences our life perspective and hence our reality. By this, I mean that whether we are primarily optimistic or pessimistic about life does color our perspective. Do we see the glass as half full or half empty? I am a half-full-to-full-and-overflowing gal. I tend to look for the best in people and situations. I would wear a Life is Good hat or T-shirt.
• Our values ultimately determine our choices within the reality we have created for ourselves. Often, we are not totally aware of our Values. Perhaps they have changed over the years. Perhaps our values need to be clearly identified and prioritized. Perhaps this is what Socrates was getting at when he said, "The unexamined life is not worth living."

Here is what I learned recently in re-examining my own life: The top 10 values that most run my life and influence my priorities, choices and decisions are: Love, Relationships (family, friends, intimate other), Connection/Intimacy, Freedom (especially personal freedom), Health, Self-fulfillment, Growth, Learning, Fun, and Joy.

What are yours?

And what does all this have to do with Life Coaching? A Life Coach helps you to examine your unexamined life, to re-evaluate and update your beliefs, values, life purpose, priorities, choices, actions, and goals in order to help you make better choices, to actively create a life, career, or business that is in alignment with who you are, and to create for yourself a high-quality, satisfying, and happy life.

If you are ready to re-examine your life, career, or business, I can help. Visit my Website, Connie Komack/LifeWork Enterprises, and then let's talk. Have a great day!

A New Year, A New Path - The Path of Love

This is my year of deep change, both personally and professionally.

The path I choose to pursue is the path of Love. This is not a new pursuit for me. It is my oldest and deepest longing to find, keep, give, receive, live and share Love in all its forms - especially in the form of a mate relationship.

I am no longer young. But neither am I past the point of no return. I believe this: We can find love - and love can find us - at any age.

It is my intention [and this is way beyond a "resolution"] to begin a lasting, joyful, right-in-every-way mate relationship this year - 2011. This is my personal path.

It is also my intention to develop experience and expertise in guiding others along this path, through writing, coaching, and speaking on the topic of "Love, Dating, Marriage, and Mating in the Senior Years".

How do I define "Senior Years"? Not sure yet. I am a Senior - chronologically, if not in my psyche - and I am wanting to connect with women and men in my age range. But the path of finding Love is not restricted to an age range. It is a universal longing, from birth to death. So, I would say that though I may be aiming my arrows towards the 55+ crowd, or the 60+ crowd, anyone who resonates with this subject, and is on this journey, is welcome to join the pilgrimage.

Watch for these developments in 2011:
- a blog and a Web site devoted to this topic and including lots of Resources
- a proliferation of articles, both online and in print - and perhaps an eBook
- a coaching and speaking practice devoted to "Love, Dating, Marriage, and Mating in the Senior Years".

Stay tuned.

If you are on this path, or have been recently, and you have questions or issues to resolve, or wisdom and experience to share, please contact me by adding a comment below.

Blogging Again: Back in the Saddle

Bless me, someone - it's been 8 months and 17 days since my last Blog post!

And, more than that, it's been twelve months since I published the last issue of my monthly e-newsletter, LifeWork Letter!

Why the long hiatus? Who knows, for sure. I've got some thoughts about this.

I'll tell you what it's NOT: It's not due to illness, nor family emergencies, nor a career change, nor retirement, nor an extensive trip around the world, nor a dislike of writing.

On the contrary, I am very much alive and well, my family is well, and I am still a life/work coach, trainer, speaker, and writer. I am not retired, though I do take more time off than I used to. I haven't done any traveling, except for a brief two-day trip to Maine this summer. And I love writing more than ever. In fact, this month - the month of November - I am once again participating in National Novel Writing Month (www.NaNoWriMo.org).

So, again, why the long hiatus in writing my Blog or Newsletter?

• Well, for a while back there, I was heavily involved in developing and facilitating an entrepreneurial training program specifically designed for unemployed workers who wanted to start their own businesses. Writing time slipped away.
• Then, as late spring approached, I embarked on a focused weight management and exercise program (self-designed) that resulted in getting much more fit and healthy and losing 15 pounds of last year's "winter weight". This took a lot of time, focus, and energy.
• As summer came into full bloom, a special friendship did too, and spending time with him became a welcome distraction. No, more than a distraction, it became a priority. (Still is.)
• Then came Fall - a birthday, some business presentations, some PR in two newspaper articles, a sore shoulder from over-exercising, rehearsals for two musical productions, fundraising for a non-profit, and complications in the special friendship - all taking precedence.

But what's the bottom line here? What derails us from our so-called "productive activities"? What causes us to lose our focus and drift?

Here are some thoughts about that, some possible causes:

• Distractions
• Laziness
• Exhaustion
• Procrastination
• A reorganization of priorities
• A lack of Purpose, or a change of Purpose
• A need for a break, a change of pace, some R&R
• A desire for fun and/or creative endeavors
• A time for learning, gathering new ideas and information - some "mulling" time
• A period of transformation, similar to being in the chrysalis stage between caterpillar and butterfly

Now, I am filled with thoughts about all these areas, and a desire to share my ideas, and to dialogue with my readers. All these topics and more are now on the table for discussion. In my next blog post, I will address the issue of procrastination.

So, let me hear from you. What takes you off-course in your life? Or, does your course merely change? How does procrastination fit into your picture?

Leading From the Heart: Non-Violent Communication

When communication between two people (or two parties or two nations) goes astray, it is often because one or both parties are coming from a defensive posture rather than from a compassionate one. When one is coming from a place of trying to defend or protect his/her thoughts, opinions, feelings, turf, self-image, vulnerability, freedom, etc. , he/she is leading with the head rather than the heart. The intention is to control or dominate the conversation in order to protect oneself from harm - a "harm" much more often imagined then real. And from this place, true, honest, productive, connecting communication cannot take place.

A much more productive and truly connecting style of communication comes from a willingness to be open - open-minded and open-hearted - and to come from a place of curiosity and inquiry and a sense of respect and compassion for the other party. In this way, we can generate a sense of safety and trust in our communication with others, which in turn, leads to true understanding and much better outcomes. This style we might describe as leading from the heart, more than from the head.

Many of you may already be familiar with the communication style known as Non-Violent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg and originally published in the book Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Compassion (Marshall B. Rosenberg, Puddledancer Press, 2003).

In this style of communication, one strives to communicate openly and compassionately with another, listening carefully to the other, being clear about one's own needs, feelings, and wishes, and communicating them in a non-blaming, non-demanding way. In the most simplistic explanation of this communication process, in which you are either the giver or the receiver of the communication, there are four steps:

1. What I (or you) observe that does or does not contribute to my/your well-being.

2. What I (or you) am (are) feeling in relation to what I/you observe.

3. What I (or you) need or value that causes my/your feelings.

4. What concrete action(s) I (or you) would like taken that would enrich my/your life (expressed as a request, without demanding).

For a deeper explanation of this process, you can download the article "How You Can Use the NVC Process" authored by Marshall B. Rosenberg.

Learning to communicate with others in this way allows us to come from love rather than fear and to generate feelings of safety and trust in the other party rather than defensiveness and distrust.

What a world this would be if we could all master NVC!

Learning From Adversity - The Holidays

This year - 2009 - has been a tough year for many people. We all know that the worldwide economic recession has taken a toll on our lives in many ways. Some have lost jobs or businesses. Some have lost homes. Some have been mired in debt. Some have declared bankruptcy. Some have lost some or all of their retirement income. Some have lost opportunities to attend college or university. Many, or most, have had to tighten their financial belts in many ways, giving up luxuries, or some discretionary spending, or perhaps even some necessities like food, shelter, medications or medical treatment. Some marriages or other relationships have been strained to the breaking point. Stress has become a fact of life in many lives, and if not handled well, it has taken a toll on one's health and well-being.

There is a story that circulates in the speaking profession (and I apologize that I cannot remember exactly how it goes or the person to credit for this story) about a boy who had been begging his parents for a long time to buy him a pony, which he wanted more than anything else in the world. The parents repeatedly refused. (They could not afford one.) At the same time, they were constantly pressuring him to clean up his messy room, strewn with so many toys, clothes, and mouldy leftover food snacks that they were constantly repelled and frustrated. But the boy, too, resisted. So, one day, they took drastic measures and filled his room with horse manure, certain that this would force him to clean up his room. When he opened the door to his room, he immediately saw (and smelled) the mess. But instead of being repelled, as his parents expected, his face lit up with a smile, and he said with great excitement, "with all this manure on the floor, there must be a pony in here somewhere!"

This is what I hope we all come to somehow. That we come to understand that underneath all the challenges of this economic mess, there are gifts - valuable gifts, precious gifts - gifts that could change, for the better, the quality of our lives, now and in the future. And that optimism serves us better than pessimism. In the midst of all these challenges, we need to look for the pony. It IS around here somewhere!

For example, we have just come through the Christmas or Hannukah season - the holiday season that puts the biggest strain on our pocketbooks of any other time of year. It is the ultimate "material girl" (or "material boy") time of year. We are lured into spending money a dozen ways to Sunday: gifts, cards, wrappings, decorations, food, drink, new clothes, extra grooming and pampering, parties, travel, entertainments, feasts and festivals.

I have noticed, and I'm sure you have too, that people have scaled back this year. Fewer cards have been sent, and many traditional cards have been replaced by electronic greeting cards and holiday letters. There are fewer lights out there, and therefore less electricity has been used in this rather wasteful way. Fewer people are traveling, preferring to stay home in their smaller family groupings. Gifts, if given at all, have been scaled back - fewer and less expensive. Last year's holiday clothes are being worn again this year. Parties are simplified and perhaps more are of the potluck variety.

While I recognize that cutting back on consumerism could contribute to the downward economic spiral, I also recognize that we, in the USA, have evolved into such a materialistic culture that we have lost our way in many other ways. What we are learning here, in this tough economy, are some important lessons about principles and values.

What lesons have you learned this year?

Here are some things I have learned about these holiday times:

• Our values are coming into sharper focus. We are setting priorities, honoring those, and stripping away some or most of the less important things.
• Family and friends are more precious than anything. They are the true gift of this season (or of any time of year).
• And love is the most precious gift of all.
• The holiday season is filled with non-material pleasures, like singing holiday songs and listening to holiday music, walking in the snow and building snowmen, making a point of visiting with neighbors, friends, and family, being immersed in the spiritual meanings and lessons of the holiday season.
• It is good to shake up traditions - to let go of some things and make room for new ideas, customs, and experiences to enter one's life.
• Simple food shared with friends and loved ones is every bit as delicious and satisfying as sharing fancy gourmet food.
• Last year's (or the past many year's) decorations are enough and just fine.
• That one small gift, chosen thoughtfully and specifically for the recipient, and given with love and caring, is worth more, much more, than a pile of gifts hastily selected under duress and pressure.
• Cards and letters, if sent at all, can be sent at one's leisure, instead of being rushed and hurried. Perhaps they'll even arrive in January after all the hubbub is over and the recipient can truly savor them. And if received, they can be savored for the gifts they are and for the opportunity to connect and catch up with people's lives.
• That giving is pure pleasure, whether or not anything is received in return.
• That in eating and drinking less this year, our figures are in better shape. [I know mine is.]
• That in giving up many of the material and time-consuming demands of the holidays, our stress levels are down. We can actually relax and enjoy the holidays. Imagine that!

And most of all, I have learned that Christmas dreams - if they come from the heart - really can come true. Mine have, and I hope yours have too.

Waiting

Lately, I've been thinking about the concept of "waiting". Waiting is one of the built-in aspects of being in a period of transition. We all go through transition periods at different times in our lives. Many of us are in transition right now.

What are we waiting for? Could be almost anything. Waiting for good news, waiting for bad news. Waiting for the economy to get better, for the stock market to go up, for the unemployment rate to go down, for the axe to fall on a job, for the outcome of a job interview, for school to start or end, for the next exam, for the results of a lab test, for the next date, for a proposal, for a special event or the next holiday, for a sale to go through, for a mortgage approval, for a baby to be born, for that check to arrive in the mail, for the weather to change, for your life to change in some wonderful way, small or large. Perhaps we are waiting for life to begin (literally or figuratively) or waiting for it to end. Waiting for nothing. Waiting for Godot.

Robert Grudin (author of Time and the Art of Living) is quoted as saying: In the landscape of time, there are few locations less comfortable than that of one who waits for some person or event to arrive at some unknown moment in the future.

Yes, waiting is often uncomfortable. Sometimes waiting creates happy, excited feelings, perhaps a sense of delicious anticipation. More often, it leads to more uncomfortable emotions: nervousness, anxiety, fear, sadness, impatience, frustration, or boredom. Yet it is these very feelings that eventually move us through a waiting period and into action.

I think of waiting as comparable to the chrysalis stage of the butterfly life cycle, the butterfly being a creature who has left the land of the known (the caterpillar stage) and is quietly going through a period of intense change and transformation (pupation) - a period in which the creature is quite fluid and formless and the end result is as yet unknown. What will emerge, we all know, will be a butterfly or moth. But the creature does not know this, and all it can do is wait.

Is waiting a passive event? No, not usually. Though change during a waiting period is often internal and not always obvious to the casual observer, it IS happening and often at an accelerated rate. Think of the cocoon of a butterfly again. When viewed from the outside, no change is apparent. But if you could see through to the inside, you would see that huge transformational changes are taking place. It is often that way for humans too.

Anna Nagle writes: But the most important thing about learning to wait, I feel sure, is to know what you are waiting for.

Ah, this can be a sticky point, yes? Sometimes we do know exactly what we are waiting for: the next bus, train or plane, the doctor's appointment, our favorite TV show to come on, the baby to arrive. But other times, things are not so clear and we are not so sure. Perhaps we are waiting for our life to get better, but we don't know what that means. Or we're waiting for a better job opportunity, though we haven't figured out what we really want to do with our work lives. Or maybe we're waiting for Prince (or Princess) Charming to come riding up and sweep us off our feet, though we have no idea who we would want that person to be or what "happily ever after" might look like, if, in fact, it exists at all and we were lucky enough to live it.

Nagle has a point. A productive way to move through this waiting time is to get as clear as we can about what it is we are waiting for. We may not get exactly what we are wanting, but we will have a better shot at it. And sometimes, the thing we think we want is not really what we want, and what we ultimately get is often better than anything we could have imagined.

So, how might we use this waiting period to get clearer? We might be in the waiting room of a doctor's office and read a magazine article that speaks eloquently to some change we are making. We might be between jobs and take that opportunity to re-assess our values, priorities, skills, and interests and then choose a new career path. We might be approaching a life stage transition - perhaps graduation or empty nest or the approach of retirement - and use that time to research options and perhaps re-invent ourselves and create a new lifestyle or career direction.

Another opportunity within a waiting period is to take the time not only for inner reflection and change but also for cleaning up the external unfinished business in your life - the clutter, the undone projects, the completion of unresolved relationships, the overdue items on your mental or actual To Do lists.

And yet another way to move through the waiting period is to do things that prepare you for whatever it is that is there for you at the end of the waiting period. The Wayside Pulpit at a local church currently displays this quote: When those who fish cannot go to sea, they mend nets. [Book of Runes, adapted].

So, mend your nets - get the room ready for your expected baby, learn new computer skills for the job you're hoping to get, buy a new outfit for the next eHarmony date, practice your songs while you wait for the recital date, read up on your field, take off that extra weight, eat nutritious food, get more exercise, sleep well, write in your journal, meditate.

The waiting periods of our life are inevitable and necessary. They are periods of rest, renewal, regrouping, time-outs, introspection, completion, creativity, re-invention, and transformation. They are not wasted times. On the contrary, they are often times that provide great growth - sometimes quantum transformational leaps. (Remember the butterfly!)

One day, the waiting will be over - this time around, anyway. What will be the outcome? Will it be what we expected or not? Will it be what we wanted and hoped for, or what we dreaded and feared? Will it be an ending or a beginning? Or both? We cannot know until the time comes. Nothing serves us better during these waiting times than patience, trust and a positive outlook - an inner confidence or "knowing" that all will hapen at the right time and will turn out for the best.

One thing seems certain: there are two things that will tip the scales in favor of getting what we are waiting and hoping for: gratitude and receptivity - gratitude for what we have learned or gained during the waiting period as well as for whatever it is that comes to us, and the openness of heart, mind, and spirit that invites the best possible outcomes.

Sarah Ben Breathnach writes, Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.

Whatever you are waiting for, may it bless your life and bring you peace.

Moving Through Transitions

In my life/work coaching practice, I work extensively with people in transition - life transitions, career transitions, and business transitions. The change points in our lives - whether personal or professional - are the times that offer the biggest possibilities for transformational growth. During these times, we are called upon to dig deep within ourselves to resolve old issues and prepare ourselves for new challenges and opportunities. This is where the "juice" is!

It is as if the LEGOs of our lives, which had been put together in a structure of a certain type, have now been taken apart and lie scattered on the floor, waiting for us to put them together again. We have choices. We can rebuild our lives exactly as they were before. [This rarely happens.] Or, we can reconstruct or reinvent our lives in new ways.

In that in-between space, when we sit on the floor staring at the scattered pieces, no longer formed in the old way and not yet formed in the new way, we encounter a mixed bag of emotions and experiences - chaos, uncertainty, the unknown, fear, loss, sadness, ennui, possibility, opportunity, creativity, imagination, excitement.

What happens when a "Transitions Coach" encounters her own life/work transitions? I can tell you some things about that. About two and a half months ago, I came upon a day which became a "perfect storm" of transitions - a "hat trick" of change. In other words, in one day in May - May 12th to be exact - big changes happened in three key areas of my life: I went through a personal bankruptcy hearing. I learned that I would have to move from my much-enjoyed apartment in Rockport due to a condo conversion, and I was given a month to do it. And a friendship with someone who was very dear to me came to an end. [Each of these events was independent of each other.] Many of the LEGO pieces of my life came apart and lay scattered before me, though fragments remained - my family, my health, and my business were still more or less intact.

What happened during that time? Well, grief, for one thing. All the stages of grief that Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross described in her epic book, On Death and Dying, came at me thick and fast - shock, denial, bargaining, fear, anger, depression, sadness, and, finally, acceptance. Is all of this behind me now? No, some sadness still remains. Maybe still a touch of anger now and then. But mostly, there is acceptance.

One professional and personal gift for me in this group of transitions is the gift of empathy. I have recently "been there" and now I have increased my capacity for empathy and compassion for my clients, friends, and family. I know at an experiential level what they are going through. I know the two sides of the transition coin; they are called Fear and Excitement. Or, they could be called Loss and Possibility.

I am still in the midst of a passage between two shores. I have left the familiar shores of home and friendship and have barely touched the shore of home on the other side, let alone new relationships and new opportunities. I have much yet to discover. I have reached the "New World" and it is full of possibility and opportunity. What awaits me here I do not know, but I am open to discovering it.

Another gift of this "perfect storm" was the much-needed forced opportunity to clear my life of both physical and emotional clutter. There is a lot of benefit to be derived from discarding "stuff" that no longer serves us. [I have written about this before in my series on the Letting-Go Experiments.]. And in these past two months or so, I have let go of lots and lots of excess stuff in my life - clothes, magazines, books, household items, tax records from the 90's, and office papers - lots and lots of papers. This "stuff" was choking my life - and my business (which has been improving since the move).

And on the emotional front, these losses also helped me to revisit and heal older losses and older grief triggered by these new events. I had the opportunity to clean both my physical house and my emotional house. And I got to thinking that perhaps most or many of us need to move - or make other significant changes in at least one area of our lives - every few years, in order to clear out the clutter – the "stuff" that no longer serves us.

Another metaphor I frequently use for this transition time and space is the metamorphosis of a caterpillar into a butterfly. It is in the in-between place - in the chrysalis, in the pupating phase - where transformational change takes place. In this phase, the major work is happening inside the cocoon, where no one looking on from the outside can see it. But one day the transformation is complete - the butterfly emerges from its cocoon, gets its feet under it, flaps its wings, and flies. And things are never again what they were. There is no turning back. It happens to caterpillars and it can happen to humans too.

So, what do we do, then, in this "New World" - the world of butterflies?

We keep our eyes open. We remain curious and receptive. We take it a day at a time. We live in the now. We say "thank you" for landing on our feet. We approach each day with appreciation, gratitude, and wonder. We are hopeful. We expand our horizons. We anticipate wonderful surprises.

And we play with the LEGOs of our life. We use our creativity, our imagination, our thoughtful minds to rebuild our lives, to reinvent ourselves once again.

We ask ourselves this question, first posed by Mary Oliver in her poem, "The Summer Day": Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

I plan to be open to Life's surprises, to want what I have, whatever that is, and to be happy.

What will Your answer be?

Fear and Its Many Faces

What IS Fear?

We all know that fear is an emotion - one of the most basic and primal of emotions. And we know that this emotion comes as a response to a stimulus of some kind and creates a group of physiological responses in our body that stimulates a series of physical responses to occur. Now, let us take a deeper look.

Here is how Wikipedia defines/describes fear:

"Fear is an emotional response to threats and danger. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of pain.... Fear should be distinguished from the related emotional state of anxiety, which typically occurs without any external threat.... People develop specific fears as a result of learning.... Although fear is learned, the capacity to fear is part of human nature."

And from How Stuff Works:

"Fear is a chain reaction in the brain that starts with a stressful stimulus and ends with the release of chemicals that cause a racing heart, fast breathing and energized muscles, among other things, also known as the fight-or-flight response. The stimulus could be a spider, a knife at your throat, an auditorium full of people waiting for you to speak, or the sudden thud of your front door against the door frame."

Fear Specialist, Motivational Speaker, and Trainer Brian Germain refines this further:

"In its most fundamental essence, fear is a defense mechanism. It is a set of preconditioned psychological and physiological responses, intended to help us survive dangerous circumstances. From increased heart rate to an empowering of muscle responses, we are transformed into a turbo-charged version of ourselves that is desperately trying to stay alive….When the big alarm goes off in our heads, we are left with three general categories of response: Fight, Flight, or Freeze."

Fear comes in many forms from mild discomfort to the most severe of phobias. And fear has many faces and many names: alarm, apprehension, agitation, anxiety, aversion, cold feet, discomfort, disquietude, dread, foreboding, fright, horror, misgiving, nightmare, panic, phobia, presentiment, qualm, scare, suspicion, timidity, terror, trepidation, uneasiness, worry - to name only a few.

Nature gave humans this emotion of fear, and the physiological responses we have to it, to help alert us to, and successfully handle, life-threatening situations. Fear is intended to protect us from extreme pain, severe injury, and death. And in this, fear is a gift. It helps us to detect and deal with physically painful or life-threatening events. It helps us to survive as individuals and as a species.

Nature also gave humans something that other animals do not have - the ability to remember past events, and to imagine and anticipate future events. This gift has proved to be a mixed blessing. It has enabled us not only to detect real threats to our safety, but also to create false threats.

The acronym FEAR has been known to stand for...

F - False
E - Experiences (or Expectations)
A - Appearing
R - Real

But what is False and what is Real? Let's take the example of the fear of snakes. People have learned over centuries of conditioning that some species of snakes (but not most) have a venomous bite that can result in pain, paralysis, or even death. So, when is a fear of snakes healthy and useful and when is it not?

Let's say that you are walking down a trail and you suddenly come face to face with a rattlesnake coiled, ready to strike, and within striking distance. Is your fear response rational and real? You bet! But let's say that you encounter this same coiled rattlesnake ready to strike, but it is on the other side of a glass partition in a zoo. Is a fear response in this situation rational and real or irrational and false? Well, clearly, the snake in this situation cannot harm you. So, the fear is irrational. It is our mind that has created this false fear because it has juxtaposed an imagined outcome over the real one. It has, in fact, created a False Expectation Appearing Real.

So, we know that Fear is a defense mechanism that protects us from imminent danger. The question is, how do we distinguish real danger from false danger?

The term "clear and present danger" tells us a lot. Danger is something we encounter in the moment it occurs. It lives in the present, not in the past or the future. If we are mugged in an alley and someone holds a gun to our head while stealing our wallet, that is a clear and present danger, in the Now. That is real. If we walk down that same alley a few months later, shaking with fear though no mugger appears, that is a false danger, because nothing dangerous is occurring in the Now. That fear is generated by our minds imposing an image or experience from the past over a present experience and creating an imaginary future. It is not real.

The problem with responding to false dangers as if they are real is this: the physiological responses generated by fear, in all its many forms, can create real wear and tear on our bodies. It creates stress, which in turn affects the health of our various organs and of our immune system. Not every unknown or undesirable situation we face warrants this physiological fear response.

Another problem with triggering a fear response to false dangers is more emotional and psychological. Fear boxes us in. It traps us in an over-protected life where safety becomes more important than joy or love or living a life that maximizes our full potential.

Let's extrapolate this information into our current situation. Take the economy, for example. Clearly, things are not going as well as they could. Some people are losing jobs, or houses, or cars, or other material things. But is everyone? No. Is this the same thing as losing one's life or a limb? No. It's a temporary downturn that will require many of us to downsize, make do with less, make compromises, and, on the upside, become more adaptable, creative, and flexible. Much of the current recession has actually been caused by the media, generating in most people a false fear based on layering the past (the depression of the 1930's) over the current situation and generating an imaginary future that is not real, though the panic caused by that imaginary future has made the situation much worse than it otherwise might be.

How about the swine flu? As of today, the state of Massachusetts has identified two confirmed cases. And both of these young boys are recovering just fine. Does this warrant the closing of schools, public transportation, and public gatherings of all sorts? Does it warrant admonitions to people to refrain from touching each other? As of this writing, there have been 176 deaths from swine flu in Mexico and one in the United States (a 22-month-old Mexican infant in Texas who was in poor health to begin with). Did you know that in the USA in 2008, 36,000 people died from the regular flu (according to the Los Angeles Times). There was no "state of fear" engendered by this regular seasonal flu. Up against this statistic, is the spreading fear and panic generated by the swine flu outbreak really justified, or is it yet another example of False Expectations Appearing Real?

And how about all the lesser fears that stunt our growth and opportunities. What about people who never have fulfilling relationships because of "false fears" such as the fear of commitment, rejection or intimacy? What about people who never go for the job or business they want because of fear of inadequacy or failure? What about all the artists, writers, and other creative types who never allow their work to be seen by others because of the fear of criticism or rejection? Are any of these fears "clear and present dangers" to life or limb? No. Yet, look at how they rule our lives.

It is time to make fear our friend - to distinguish between genuine danger and imagined danger, to value and respect the rational fear that protects life and limb and let go of the irrational fears that hold us back and unnecessarily limit us from being the joyful, loving, successful, fully expressed people we were meant to be.

As Don Miguel Ruiz has noted: "Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive -- the risk to be alive and express who we really are."

On Fear - Some Resources

I am researching the subject of Fear for my April e-newsletter, to be published in the next few days. Already I have found some very interesting Web sites and articles on the subject, and here are a few of my picks:

1. Fear - from Wikipedia

2. How Fear Works by Julia Layton. Published on How Stuff Works.

3. 5 Life-Changing Keys to Overcoming Your Fear by Henrik Edberg, first published in Wealth & Money, February 22, 2007. Re-published on the Positivity Blog.

4. Dealing With Fear (a Buddhist perspective) - from www.dealingwithfear.org.

5. Transcending Fear - Web site of Fear Specialist and Keynote Speaker, Brian Germain

Some of my questions: What IS Fear, really? When is it useful and when is it not? How do we distinguish between the two? And how do we deal with Fear when it is not useful so that we can live a happy and fully actualized life?

If you have thoughts or comments about this topic, please share them.

Valentine's Day is NOT Just for Lovers

Valentine's Day is a special day set aside for the celebration of Love. And what better purpose could there be for a celebration!

But there is a catch!

In our country, especially, Valentine's Day is hyped as a day to celebrate romantic love, and to do that in ways that "stimulate the economy" - which is to say that the media pushes us to spend, spend, spend on this holiday, as on most others - as if the buying and giving of greeting cards, flowers, chocolates, sexy underwear, and fancy evenings out on the town were the only - or best - ways to show love to a special someone. But are they, really?

On Oprah's show on Wednesday, February 11, Oprah and her guest, relationship expert M. Gary Neuman, discussed his research and book, The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What To Do About It. The hour's discussion revealed this very human fact: Most of the time, when men (or women) cheat on their spouse or romantic partner, it is because they are feeling ignored, unappreciated, or overly criticized by their partner. Cheating, says Neuman, is not about finding a sexier or more attractive partner; it is simply about being with someone who treats you in ways that make you feel appreciated and special.

Bottom line: Creating a happy, loving, fulfilling relationship is not about fancy gifts and dates, nor is it about being the sexiest man or woman on the planet; it's about saying "thank you" or "how thoughtful of you" or "wow, what a nice thing to say (or do)" - every day!

Appreciating others is a practice that extends beyond our spouses and romantic partners. It is - or needs to be - the one thing that greases the squeaky wheel of ALL relationships.

And in the "No-one-could-say-it-better" category, let me direct your attention to this article - Love the One You're With: The Real Meaning of Valentine's Day - written by my friend and colleague Linda Varone, a Feng Shui Consultant, and published in her February e-newsletter, Nurturing Spaces.

Here are some excerpts from Linda's article, reprinted by permission:

"For those of you who have a spouse, partner or lover your most important gift is your undivided attention."

"For those of us who are not in a relationship - by choice or by happenstance - now is the time to look around and consciously recognize those people in your life who give you love in its many forms...."

"Celebrate yourself. You are worthy of love."

To read the whole article, click here. And while you're at it, also subscribe to Linda's free monthly e-newsletter, full of articles about how to create nurturing spaces in your life.

Let us expand our vision of how to celebrate Love on this special day. Let us expand our expressions of love for our our romantic partners to meaningful, personalized expressions of appreciation on a daily basis. And let us also include more than our romantic partners in this day of celebration. Let's open our arms and our hearts to our families, our friends, our colleagues, our neighbors, our acquaintances, and perhaps even - whoa, what a radical thought - to ourselves!

Happy Valentine's Day - on February 14th and on every other day of the year!

On Winning: 25 Life Lessons Learned from Playing Free Cell

OK, I admit it: I am a Free Cell devotee. Once I get started, I can play it for hours. I know I have compatriots out there. I have heard their sheepish confessions.

For those few who have not heard of Free Cell, I will explain. Free Cell is a computerized version of solitaire. This game is one of four that comes already loaded as a freebie on Microsoft operating systems. I have been playing Free Cell since 2003.

It's been challenging to justify the time I spend playing Free Cell. Mostly, I play when I need a break from all the work I do on my computer. I play for fun, for the challenge, for a change of pace, to combat boredom, to counter frustration or upset, to kill time while waiting for something else to happen. Occasionally I play to clear my mind - an almost meditative experience. Today was one of those days.

From the time I first began playing Free Cell five years ago to now, my ratio of winning:losing has increased enormously. When I first started playing, I rarely won a game. Now, I rarely lose. Today I began to think about why that is so and about how much I have learned while playing Free Cell. For the fun of it, I jotted down some of the things I have learned by playing this game. Then came the big AHA! - the moment when I saw the parallels between winning at the game of Free Cell and winning at the game of Life!

And now - to justify my habit - I am passing on these insights to you: 25 life lessons I learned from playing Free Cell:

1. The deal of the cards in a hand is random. There is no particular reason why you got a good hand or a bad hand. [For that matter, there is no such thing as a "good" or "bad" hand. A hand is just a hand. It is what it is.]

2. Play the hand you are dealt.

3. You win some and you lose some.

4. The trick is to win more than you lose.

5. Whether you win or lose has a lot to do with the choices you make. Most hands can be won if you play your cards right.

6. But not always. Occasionally, you are dealt a hand that cannot be won, no matter how you play it. As soon as you realize it cannot be won, let it go and move on to the next hand.

7. Winning on a consistent basis seems to come more easily if you start out by winning the first game.

8. Sometimes you start out with a winning hand, and sometimes you don't.

9. If you play long enough, you will start winning.

10. Once you start winning, keep playing and soon you will find yourself on a winning streak. The more you win, the more you keep winning. [This I have observed empirically over time.]

11. Losing streaks work the same way.

12. When you experience yourself as a Winner enough times, you begin to believe you are a Winner.

13. When you begin to believe you are a Winner, you do, in fact, become a Winner. [Why is this so? My theory: you first believe you are a winner, then begin to think and act like a winner - more strategically and with confidence. You get bolder. You try new moves. You are open to new options. You explore new possibilities. You risk more. You trust your intuition more.]

14. Being a Winner doesn't mean that you win every game. It means that you win more games than you lose - often, many more games. It also means that you keep playing, even (or especially) when you've just lost.

15. When a Winner sees that s/he does not have a winning hand, s/he quickly folds and plays a new hand.

16. Winning sometimes involves sacrificing a short term gain for the possibility of a long term win.

17. Winning involves learning from your mistakes.

18. When you lose a hand, replay it and try a different approach. If that doesn't work, replay the hand once more. When you've tried all the variations you can think of, and you're still not winning, move on to a new game.

19. Sometimes the obvious move is not the best move. (And sometimes, it is.)

20. Winning is not about getting it perfect; winning is about getting it done in a timely way.

21. Winning involves several things, some of which may seem contradictory - for example, using both logic and intuition to arrive at the winning hand.

22. Winners are not afraid of losing a game. Why? Because they KNOW they will win again in the future.

23. Playing Free Cell (or any game - real, virtual, or psychological) can become addictive. If you cannot stop playing when you know you should, it's time to quit playing the game altogether. If you cannot quit, get help! See a coach or a therapist, join a 12-step program, or remove the game from your computer (or your life).

24. Playing games can be fun and relaxing. But they are not Life.

25. Walking away from a game - whether winning or losing - can be challenging. Walking away when it is time to stop IS Winning - at the game of Life!

Loss, Gratitude, and the Phone Company

Think about all the things we take for granted. Sometimes it takes a loss to help us appreciate what we have.

Tuesday morning I picked up my phone to make a call and the line was dead. No dial tone. Nothing. Nada. I tried every extension in the house. [There are three.] Same story.

I went searching for my cell phone, which I don't use very often. It was buried in my purse. I used it to call the phone company to report the problem.

I dialed the number provided for reporting technical problems. The phone was answered by an automated voice - female, pleasant, courteous, robotic. I tried to get through to a live person, but couldn't. This was partly due, I suspect, to the fact that Tuesday was a national holiday (Veterans Day) and there was probably only a skeleton staff of "live people" there. The auto-voice told me that service would be scheduled for Thursday, sometime between 8am and 6pm - at least 48 hours away! [Now, I have learned this trick, which I am passing on to you: When they provide a pause during which you are supposed so say a word like "yes" or "no" or a number, say "Agent". That should get you transfered to a Customer Service representative.]

When, after three tries, I finally reached a "live agent" on Wednesday morning, I put in a plea: Could you please come today rather than tomorrow? I have a business to run. I need to be available to my clients, as well as to family and friends.

No go. But I did get a morning appointment for today (Thursday). And at 10:15 this morning, I got a call from a repairman saying that the problem had been fixed. A wire in a cable a few blocks away had broken and was now repaired. [An auto-voice called me later in the day to report the same thing.]

I was immediately relieved and joyful and flooded with gratitude. It occurred to me then that there are so many things in life that we have and take for granted - phone service, electricity, computers, access to email and the internet, material goods, family, friends, lovers, spouses, pets, health, housing, food, democracy, military protection, social security, medicare, pensions, paid benefits, sunrises and full moons ... ah, I could go on and on here.

Sometimes it helps to lose something or someone we take for granted. We get to see how fortunate and blessed we are (or were) to have had them in our lives. Right now, I feeling very grateful for phone service - and for everything else on that list above!

Emotional Transitions: Loss and Grief

My Designing Your Life work is all about coaching people through transitions and change. With the recent transition from summer into fall, I have been witnessing a lot of change, and with it the emotional upheavals that come with that change. Loss seems to be a big theme this fall.

In this year's transition from summer to fall, the winds of change came blowing through with gale force, impacting not only my life and the lives of my family, friends, clients, and colleagues, but also the lives of most people in this country and around the globe. Wars, political campaigns, weather challenges, and, most of all, economic upheavals of major proportions have shaken the very foundations of our assumptions about how life "should" be. Many people have been forced to re-evaluate their lives in various ways. And some have been forced into transitions or changes, not always desired or of their own choosing.

My friend Judy observed yesterday that this year's transition from summer into fall seems to have evoked a lot of sadness - more than usual, it seemed to her. I have noticed the same thing, not only in others around me, but also within myself.

Just within my own small circle, there is much loss and sadness - an in-law observing the first anniversary of her husband's death, a new friend still grieving the recent loss of his wife to cancer, a colleague reluctantly closing her business, a client upset over the loss of her job, a friend facing possible breast cancer, a relative hospitalized with depression. And, as for me, I find myself grieving the loss of a very special friendship - not through death, thank goodness, but through what may be inadequately described here as "irreconcilable differences".

Through these events, I have been reminded once again that loss is a natural and inevitable part of the cycle of life. And when we lose someone or something dear to us, or important to us in some way, we need to grieve that loss. And I am reminded of the ground-breaking work of Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and her description of the grief process outlined in her classic book On Death and Dying.

Kubler-Ross broke down the grieving process into the five stages listed below. Within each of the stages, there are nuances, variations, and sub-topics to consider. Not everyone who grieves goes through these five stages - at all, or in this order. For some, the whole cycle is very short (a matter of minutes or days); for others, the cycle can last a much longer time (months, years, most of a lifetime, perhaps). They are:

1. Denial - If a loss is sudden and unexpected, the very first stage can be shock. This includes a physiological response in which the body reacts strongly. Fainting or a kind of emotional numbness are two examples of this response. This is followed by denial - an inability to accept the loss, despite the evidence.

2. Anger - When the shock wears off, the next response could be sadness and tears. But often, it is not. Anger is commonly the next major response. Anger at anything from another person to onesself to more and more external causes - the boss who downsized you, the driver of the car that hit your loved one, the doctor who couldn't cure an illness, the friend who observed your spouse being unfaithful, but didn't say anything - or at something as intangible as fate, destiny, or God. Anger is a healthy, useful, natural part of grieving. It is important to honor that, and express it. And it is also most important not to get stuck there. One can forfeit way too much of one's life staying stuck in anger.

3. Bargaining - This is the phase where, still in denial, one tries to stave off the inevitable. This might be called the "if only" stage, as in "If only I were to do this [whatever "this" is], I might not lose that [whatever "that" is]. One might, for example, explore other job opportunities within your company with the HR representative who has just fired you and is processing your termination. Or, you might try to shore up a crumbling relationship by offering to alter your thoughts, beliefs, or behaviors in order to make it work. Or you might ward off the diagnosis of a terminal illness by talking with other doctors and health professionals and trying every remedy you can think of. And while these bargaining measures do occasionally work, way more often they do not. And when they do not, the next stage sets in.

4. Depression - Depression can wear more than one face. It could be anger turned inward towards onesself, rather than at the world. [This is when getting in touch with your anger is especially important in the grieving process.] It is most often expressed as sadness, sometimes a very profound and long-lasting sadness. And tears are healing. Sadness, too, must be honored. One's energy can be low during this phase, and it is important to honor one's need for rest and nurturing. Sometimes the depression becomes so marked that the grieving person retreats from the world, and essentially shuts down emotionally. While this can be healthy for a short period of time, it becomes unhealthy when it goes on too long. At this point, the grieving person is unable to reach out for help, and the support of family, friends, and health professionals becomes so very important.

5. Acceptance - Sooner or later, one finally faces the loss head on and accepts it. This could take minutes, hours, days, or years. While there may still be moments of residual sadness, the predominant feelings become relief and a growing sense of peace. Once you have reached the stage of acceptance, it becomes much easier to move on and fully take up your life again.

Remember that loss and grieving are as natural to life as is the change of seasons. Remember, too, that as in all change, "this too shall pass". And there is also the wisdom of this observation: "When God closes a door, he/she opens another one somewhere else." When you face an important loss in your life, allow yourself to grieve. Understand the process and let yourself go with it - all the way to the final stage of acceptance.

Most of the time, the times of transition in our lives, in which the most important life changes and growth take place, not only involve loss but also gain. The deepest and most challenging changes in our lives are also the most life-changing - and almost always for the better. In his book, Illusions, author Richard Bach writes this:

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world,
the master calls a butterfly.

Wanting What You Have

Are you someone who is happy with what you have? Or are you someone who is easily bored with what you have and is always wanting more?

I am a movie buff, and often I find valuable life lessons embedded in the movies. Take, for example, the 1994 film Love Affair - a remake of the classic film, An Affair to Remember. There is a line in this movie that blew me away at the time, and I have remembered it all these years.

In this film, wise and elderly great-aunt Ginny (played by screen legend Katherine Hepburn) to Warren Beatty's character Mike Gambril has a quiet moment with her great-nephew's latest love interest, Terry McKay, played by Annette Bening. As the two women talk about life and the life paths each has taken, great-aunt Ginny turns to Terry, and says, "You know, my dear, happiness lies not in having what we want, but in wanting what we have."

What a profound piece of advice for us all in this culture and in these times of rapid change - wanting what we already have, as opposed to constantly wanting what we don't have!

Think of this concept as it applies to both material things and to relationships:

First, material things: We in the United States live in an affluent and prosperous culture, even in this temporary economic slump. We are a culture driven by consumerism and by material and economic greed. We are pummeled by advertising that constantly promotes the newest and latest product and encourages us to throw away that "old" whatever - car, vacuum cleaner, mop, shampoo, TV, computer, phone, etc. - and replace it with the newest, hottest version (which is only new or hot for a very short time before something newer or hotter comes on the market).

We are now approaching a crisis of excess, in our own country and across the globe. Global population is expanding exponentially, and along with this, a demand for more and more "stuff". At the same time, our resources are dwindling. The current shortage of gas and other fossil fuel products is only one example. It is only a matter of a short time - a few decades, perhaps - before the size of the population world-wide will outstrip the available resources. What then?

If ever there were a time to cultivate an attitude of gratitude for all that we have, combined with a desire to live simply and to care for the possessions we do have so that they last as long as possible, this is that time!

And, as for relationships - which was the topic of this movie scene - we have also been living in a throw-away society in which we are taught to always be looking for the next best person to replace our current model. We seem to have lost the ability in relationships, as with things, to want what we have.

"Wanting what we have" means appreciating, respecting, valuing, prizing, nurturing, and maintaining what we have, and repairing what is broken whenever possible - whether we are speaking of the relationships in our lives or our material possessions. It means remembering why we brought them into our lives in the first place. It means putting in the time, care, and attention it takes to grow, maintain, or preserve what you have. It means focusing on what's working, rather than what's not working. And it means, in the words of that old Johnny Mercer song,

You've got to accentuate the positive,
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative, and
Don't mess with Mister In-Between.

Letting Go Experiment: Two Years Later

In June of 2006, I began my Letting Go Experiment - a personal project intended to last for one year. I was curious to see how my life might change if I released 365 "things" from my life - one per day for a year. Mostly, I released material things - household items, clothing, books, magazines, tapes and CD's, office supplies, unopened food packages. But here and there, I also released non-material items: habits, thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, and the like. At the end of the first 365 days, I reported on what I had done.

Then, I decided to extend the experiment. I continued to log everything I released from my life for another four months and again published the results in my blog, Letting Go Experiment: Month 16.

The last entry in my daily Letting-Go Log is dated October 31, 2007. But I find that letting go continues to be both a theme and a practice in my life, two years after I began in June of 2006.

In the months between November 1, 2007 and June 30, 2008, I released the following from my life: a few more household items, a couple more magazine subscriptions, a commercialized celebration of the December holidays, 30 additional pounds of body weight (a total of 45 altogether), an entire wardrobe of clothing, sizes 14 through 22 (I am now a 12), except for a few pieces that were altered, some unproductive eating habits, and some prescription medication. And that's not all.

More important than all of these "things", the most challenging and worthwhile things released from my life during this experiment were non-material - all were forms of thought originating in my mind: limiting beliefs, assumptions and interpretations, negative self-talk, fears, resentments, petty jealousies and other negative emotions, prejudices, unrealistic wants and expectations, unproductive habits and behaviors.

What have I learned from this experiment?

1. I have too much stuff! Yes, even after 2 years of releasing material stuff from my life, I still have more than I need, and my physical space is still more cluttered that I would like it to be. A life of material simplicity is still a goal. Imagine how our resources might expand, or be preserved, if we all had this goal!

2. Letting go of excess material stuff also seems to result in letting go of excess and non-productive non-material thoughts and behaviors as well. This is excellent incentive for continuing to let go of the material stuff.

3. Letting go of "stuff" makes room for new (and better) "stuff" to come into one's life. [Read "stuff" as anything of value: people, relationships, things, work, play, ideas, emotions, experiences, thoughts, habits, beliefs, etc.] [Yes, it really does seem to work this way!]

4. Letting go involves what Buddhists call "non attachment". And I have found non-attachment to be a very challenging concept to put into practice - and a subject to explore further in another blog entry.

So, what about you, dear reader? What about the internal and external clutter in YOUR life? If you released some of the non-productive "stuff" in your life - both material and non-material - what room might you create for something new and better to come into your life?

The Courage Code

How do YOU define Courage? Do you define it as taking great physical or financial risks or performing heroic deeds in the face of possible injury, death, or financial disaster? Do you see courage as facing the enemy in battle, chasing down and arresting a criminal, rock climbing, shooting rapids, exploring jungles, skydiving, bungee jumping, climbing Mt. Everest, or making a risky investment on Wall Street? This is our cultural view of courage today. This is the masculine expression of courage.

In The Courage Code, by authors Megan Raphael and Jennifer Byron, we are introduced to some new examples of courage - a new code of courage - born of the feminine and exemplified by the stories of 44 women of courage.

These are stories of women who found their voice, learned to speak up even if their opinion was not shared by others, learned how to say "Yes" and "No" from their own truth, were able to walk away from abusive situations and say "no more", made choices to change their lives in ways that risked disapproval or worse, stopped living to please others and starting living from their own authentic truth. These are everyday stories of taking risks on many levels - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, financial - risks that may not make headlines but in their own ways took enormous amounts of courage.

In the Introduction, the authors state, "We're also introducing 44 women who are, as you are everyday, living courageously. They are challenged everyday to create a life of meaning and authenticity. They have discovered the power of seemingly small choices that create mammoth shifts in their lives and in their worlds."

I can relate to this, as I think of some of the choices I have made and the risks I have taken. I have taken very few physical - or masculine-type - risks, though I did once go gliding in an unpowered sailplane, which is perhaps the biggest physical risk I have taken. I have taken financial risks, most notably by starting and running two different entrepreneurial businesses from an undercapitalized place. I have taken professional risks, such as learning to speak professionally before audiences of all sizes (and going from paralyzing fear to absolute confidence and joy in these situations).

But most of my risks in life have been relational and emotional ones: the first time I asked a boy out (perhaps the scariest thing I ever did, at least it felt that way at the time), the decision to end a marriage which was good in many ways but which was starving each of us emotionally, the courage to stand up to a "friend" who did something very unkind, the risk of saying "Yes" to an unfamiliar and scary proposition, the risk of saying "No" to something that was not in my best interests, and more recently, taking the risk of traveling 3000 miles to have a "third date" with an old high school friend whom I haven't seen in 48 years or taking the risk of losing a very rare and treasured friendship by being authentic and telling my truth.

Though this book is written for and about women, there is much richness here for men as well. We all have aspects of both the feminine and the masculine within us. Each of these aspects, blended together - in one person or in a whole society - create a synergy that is greater than the sum of its parts. We will all grow as individuals and as a culture when we learn to own, embrace, and express the full range of the masculine and feminine within us. The brands of courage exemplified in the stories in this book are part of the whole picture, part of our humanity and wholeness. We are not looking at an "either/or" situation here, but a "both/and".

Stories and acts of courage come in all sizes and shapes, and all are there to be acknowledged and honored. It is time for the feminine codes of courage to take their rightful place in the fabric of our society. It is time for a more gentle revolution from within to help inform our political decisions and social welfare. An ancient Chinese proverb states, "Women hold up half the sky." We could say, by extension, that the feminine in each of us is as valuable a contribution to our society as is the masculine. It is time to bring this truth into being.

To order The Courage Code or to learn more about The Courage Project, visit www.courageproject.com or contact author Megan Raphael at megan@courageproject.com.

Patience - or When Will This Long Winter Be Over!

It is the end of March in New England. The calendar tells us that we have officially been in Spring for ten days now. But are we? It sure doesn't feel like it, with periodic days of snow/sleet/rain and temperatures in the 20's and 30's, brought down to the teens with the wind chill factor. When WILL Spring really arrive? And after that, Summer - my favorite time of year? We've had the Lion; now where's the Lamb?!

I have been feeling like a kid waiting for a birthday that never seems to come. Oh, the anticipation - the party, the friends, the fun, the presents, the cake! Days seemed to pass to excruciatingly slowly, back in those days. And even today, when I am looking forward to some special event, the days sometimes still seem to inch along, snail-like. [Of course, I no longer am impatient for birthdays to arrive, but that's another story!]

But lately, I've been looking at this a whole new way, thanks to - among other things - some study in Buddhism, the works of Eckhart Tolle, and a chance comment from a friend.

Let's start with the friend, who put it this way: "Without winter, there can be no summer. How would we ever know or appreciate the joys of summer without having gone through winter first?"

How indeed! Life is full of contrasts, which together help us know and explore the whole range of what it means to be human: winter-summer, hot-cold, day-night, good-evil, war-peace, rich-poor, young-old, sound-silence, male-female, together-alone, fat-thin, happy-sad, love-hate (actually, it's love-indifference, but that, too, is another story). How can any one of these things exist, without it's opposite?

So, what does all this have to do with Patience?

It all has to do with recognizing these things:

(1)Everything we experience in life has value. Every moment of every day can teach us something, if we are open to the lessons.

(2)Life is short, and precious. Why waste a moment of it pining for what has been or longing for what has not yet been and may never be?

(3)Most of life is illusion. Only the present moment is real. Past and future are just thoughts in our heads. Memories (often faulty), ideas, beliefs, imaginings, fantasies - none of these are real. Ram Das summed it up in a nutshell: Be here now! Eckhart Tolle expands on this theme so eloquently in his books The Power of Now and A New Earth.

(4)Change is inevitable. That is the very nature of Life. As they say about the New England weather, "If you don't like the weather, just wait a moment; it will change. And if you do like the weather, it will still change." So it is with all of life.

Patience is that quality that allows us to slow down, to pay attention to what is before us in the present moment, to enjoy each tiny step of our Grand Journey through life. Patience is knowing and accepting that change is inevitable, that every moment is precious, and whether painful or joyful, every event, every season of our lives, brings with it special gifts - much better and more lasting than any birthday gift could ever be.

So, be patient. Your next gift is as close as the next moment! Perhaps it is even right here, right now! [Click "right now" for a special meditative moment.]

Designing Your Life - Taking Stock

January is an ideal time to begin the process of re-vamping or redesigning your life. When you are in, or approaching, a transition period in your life, where do you begin to redesign your life?

Well, think about it for a moment. If you decided to make a new recipe that you had never made before, what would you do? You have the recipe in front of you. You recognize some ingredients and some directions, perhaps, and are unfamiliar perhaps with others. So, the first thing you might do is to check your cupboards, pantry, and refrigerator to see which ingredients you already have and then you make a list of the items you will need to purchase.

The very first step is checking to see what you already have. In the Designing Your Life process, I call this Taking Stock. In this first phase, you take a good and thorough look at yourself and your life, and you identify all the things you bring to the table thus far. Whether you are in your teens or in your golden years, or anywhere in between, this is a critical first step in re-inventing your self or creating the life of your dreams. Here are some of the "ingredients" you might check out:

- Life experience
- Work experience
- Roles you play in your life
- Skills, talents
- Aptitudes
- Personal characteristics, strengths & weaknesses
- Interests, passions
- Personality type
- Values
- Life purpose

Our Designing Your Life program and the accompanying Designing Your Life workbook provide a structured way of taking stock of all the qualities and experiences that contribute to who you are today and support you in bringing them forward into the next phase of your life, while at the same time identifying new skills, talents, and so forth that you wish to develop. The program contains exercises and tools for exploring each of these "ingredients" and more.

You can also do this without the structure and support of a program, coach, group, or book (though support is a very valuable part of the process for most people). Here are some tips for making the most of your personal Taking Stock process:

1. Purchase a spiral notebook or large blank journal that will be devoted exclusively to this Designing Your Life process.

2. Set aside some segments of quiet, uninterrupted time in which to do your stock-taking. Create a contemplative mood for yourself, perhaps by walking first or meditating or breathing quietly or listening to soothing music.

3. Consider each of the points on the list above, and take time to address each one separately and thoroughly. For some aspects (such as skills, characteristics, interests, values), you can make lists. Others may require other tools or approaches (free-writing, resume reviews, specialized assessments, etc.). Plan to do these exercises in small sessions, one or two aspects at a time, over a period of days or weeks.

4. For the lists you have, identify the top ten in each area and then rank-order them in order of importance to you. This is especially important in the area of your Values.

5. Create a summary page that pulls together all that you have learned about yourself, including all of your Top Ten lists.

When you have completed the Taking Stock phase of this process, it will be time for the Visioning phase - an exploration of the future life, career, or business you wish to create. In the next blog, we will take a look at that phase.

Meanwhile, if you find that you could use some coaching support in your Taking Stock process, please contact me. I am committed to your success and well-being!

Gratitude and The New Year

As the old year passes into the new, why not take a moment to think about these questions:

- What am I thankful for in my current life - right now, this minute?
- What "gifts" did I receive in 2007 that I will be bringing with me into the New Year?
- What continuing or new "gifts" do I intend to be thankful for in 2008?

During the Christmas holiday, I discovered a beautiful song, Thankful, sung by Josh Groban on his CD titled Noel. What a beautiful expression of Gratitude this is! For a real treat, take a moment to click the link above and view the lyrics and listen to his song on YouTube.

Being thankful for what you already have is a pre-requisite for attracting and creating what you want in the future. This is why keeping a Gratitude Journal has always been a cornerstone of my Designing Your Life program.

Rhonda Byrne, author of the 2007 best-seller, The Secret, has also published a companion journal, The Secret Gratitude Book. In the Introduction to this journal, she writes:

To transform your life, you must find a way of being grateful for what you have now. As you focus on sincere gratitude for several minutes at a time, you will move your frequency to one of the most powerful frequencies there is, and all-good things will begin to appear in your life!

Focusing on Gratitude on a daily basis can take many forms, including:

- Keeping a Gratitude Journal and writing in it daily
- Saying your "gratitudes" as you might say your prayers, every morning as you awaken and every evening before falling asleep
- Include saying your "gratitudes" as you begin your meditation practice
- Expressing gratitude as a blessing before every meal
- Stopping at any moment, as you are moved to do so, to appreciate what is before you and to say "thank you"

I often find myself expressing gratitude through the opening lines of a poem titled I Thank You God by e.e. cummings:

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes...

What more powerful way could there be to usher in 2008 than to be thankful for all the blessings we bring with us into this brand new year!

Practicing Extreme Self-Care: Reprise

The very first post I wrote in this blog was on Practicing Extreme Self-Care. And now, almost two years later, I am circling around to this subject again. Why? Because when you design, create, build, and live the life of your dreams, then practicing self-care and creating potent health in your body, mind, psyche, and spirit becomes absolutely essential. It is the solid foundation of the mansion that is your life.

Henry David Thoreau is quoted as saying, If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; now put the foundations under them. Your health, your vitality, your energy are the foundations of your life. These things need to be in place - strong and solid.

Two years ago, I was just beginning to build those foundations for myself. Today, they are strong, and getting stronger by the day. Today, I can write from experience instead of from theory. Today, I can tell you that focusing on building health in all these areas, especially in the physical body, is the best thing I have ever done for myself.

So, what wisdom can I add to that original article? Here are a few thoughts:

First, fall in love with your body. For many people, that is not an easy thing to do. But it IS do-able. What it takes is acceptance, appreciation, and gratitude. Whatever body we have been given, it IS the body we have been given. It is the vehicle that houses our psyche, senses, soul, and spirit. It is, as some have said, the Temple of our soul. We need to treat our bodies with love and reverence, and take care of them as we would take care of the most precious of places or people or possessions in our lives. As for appreciation and gratitude, it is our bodies that allow us to experience magnificent sunrises and sunsets, music that moves us to tears, the sensuous taste of food like chocolate, the smell of the briny ocean or a rose in bloom, and the touch of a baby's smooth bottom or the embrace of a friend or lover. The more I have come to understand the miracle of having a body with which to experience this world and this life, the more I have come to accept, embrace, nurture, and appreciate my body.

Second, a friend recently shared with me these secrets for living a long and healthy life, and I am passing them on to you. The keys to creating perfect health are these "triple powers": Right Thinking, Nutrition, and Joy in all that you do:

Sickness is not the natural state of the human body; it is a perfect creation of the Perfect Creator. Though injuries must come to balance the wheel of destiny, sickness is a self-imposed torture that should not be. Through the triple powers of right thinking, nutrition, and joy in all that you do, the body should always be in perfect health. (excerpted from Spiritual Living, unpublished manuscript, ©Robert G. Black, 2007.)

Right Thinking means thinking positive thoughts and having positive expectations. (e.g. "I am healthy and getting healthier every day" or "I expect to live and be healthy until I am at least 100 or more".) This kind of thinking is also the basis for the Law of Attraction and the laws of Cause and Effect. To borrow and rework Henry Ford's famous quote, if you think you're healthy (or youthful, or whatever) or you think you're not, you're right.

Nutrition surely is key. I have been learning this for myself these past two years. What we put into our bodies for nourishment and fuel is absolutely ESSENTIAL to how we function on a daily basis and how we set ourselves up for the future. If you don't know much about nutrition, go read everything you can find about it. Subscribe to publications like Nutrition Action or Environmental Nutrition or Prevention Magazine, or Dr. Andrew Weil's monthly Self-Healing Newsletter, or any one of many wonderful medical school publications. Read every book or internet article you can find. [Check out these informative and entertaining books by Drs. Michael Roizen and Mehmet C. Oz - YOU The Owner's Manual, YOU on a Diet, or YOU Staying Young.] Talk with a nutritionist, naturopathic or holistic doctor, or any other expert in nutrition. And, if you already know a lot about nutrition, but are not putting your knowledge into action, then what are you waiting for? DO IT TODAY!

And as for finding Joy in everything you do, that is what designing, building, and living the life of your dreams is all about! And here's the key: you must know what you want (and that can be as specific as a "I want to be the author of a best-selling historical novel" or as open as "I want to be happy"), believe that you can have or achieve what you want, know that you are worthy and deserve to have what you want, and then be motivated and courageous enough to actually go for it!

And believe me when I tell you that you don't have to have all the answers, or have all your ducks in a row, before you begin. You just have to start taking action, one baby step at a time towards your dream, and the whole world opens up before you!

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