Philosophy of Life

Recently, a friend asked me these questions:

• What is your philosophy of life?
• How do you explain the world/your life to yourself?
• On what do you base your decisions?

He was looking for an encapsulation that I could not come up with on the spot. But I have been thinking about these questions for several days now, and I think I have come up with some answers.

I have come to the conclusion that there is no one, easy-to-sum-up, philosophy that runs my life. There are many aspects that make up my answers to these questions. But there is a bottom line, as you will discover.

As you read what I came up with, I invite you to think about your own answers to these questions.

Here are some of mine:

• Biology is destiny. To me, this means that some aspects of my life are out of my control and are influenced or determined by things like my gender (female), race (caucasian), genetic makeup (my inherited genes), physical characteristics (height, weight, physical attractiveness, physical mobility & agility, health, age, and the like.) Acceptance of these characteristics is crucial to one's happiness.
• Time and place also influence our destiny. Being born in the USA in the middle of the 20th century, and living in various US states - especially Florida, New Hampshire, Connecticut, and Massachusetts - have all impacted my life and destiny in various ways.
• Our culture(s) influences our life choices. We exist within our culture(s) the way fish swim in water. Within the culture of the USA, there are many sub-cultures. These include nationality of origin, regional cultures, religious traditions, family cultures, workplace cultures, and the like. Often, we are so immersed in our culture and sub-cultures that we are unaware of how they influence us.
• We all have free will and our choices are our destiny. There's a qualifier. Choice and free will operate within certain confines. Some of us have more choices than others.
• Life is largely based on luck and chance. Sometimes we have good luck, sometimes bad luck. Some of us have more of one than the other. My experience - and hence my belief - is that luck is more often on my side than against it.
• Dualities exist and always will. Duality is often the nature of things. A contrast is needed in order for either to exist. Consider whether any one of these things could exist without the other: Day and Night, Light and Dark, Hot and Cold, War and Peace, Heaven and Hell, Good and Evil, Joy and Sadness, Male and Female, Yin and Yang, Intimacy and Freedom, Democrats and Republicans, etc. We need to accept duality as a necessary and inevitable part of human existence.
• This is a random universe to which we bring meaning. This quote from Sheldon Kopp's 1976 book, If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him!, has always made sense to me. So many things we have come to believe and act on - perhaps even fight to the death for - are based on mystery or inadequate information. Yet we cling to these ideas as if they were absolute reality - reality that no one can prove.
• Every person lives inside of his/her own reality. No two people - not even identical twins - see or experience life in exactly the same way. Ultimately, our brain controls our perceptions and our internal and external experiences of life and the world around us. (And, in a way, this goes back to the idea that "biology is destiny".) Each person's "cognitive style" is unique to him/herself.
• Our thoughts create our reality. This is an extension of the point above. Buddha is quoted as saying, "All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” This is where we DO have some free will and choice to guide our destiny. Our thoughts include our beliefs, values, ethics, principles, priorities, purpose, fantasies, imaginations, imagery, goals, wants, and more. Our thoughts, moreover, create our emotions - our feelings and feeling states.
• Our beliefs create our reality. Our beliefs are one form of thought. Our belief system runs our life. If our life is going well, then our belief system is working for us. If our life is not going so well, perhaps the place to examine first is our belief system. Changing our disempowering beliefs is not always easy, but it IS possible, and herein lies the place where free will and choice can operate most effectively.
• Our temperment heavily influences our life perspective and hence our reality. By this, I mean that whether we are primarily optimistic or pessimistic about life does color our perspective. Do we see the glass as half full or half empty? I am a half-full-to-full-and-overflowing gal. I tend to look for the best in people and situations. I would wear a Life is Good hat or T-shirt.
• Our values ultimately determine our choices within the reality we have created for ourselves. Often, we are not totally aware of our Values. Perhaps they have changed over the years. Perhaps our values need to be clearly identified and prioritized. Perhaps this is what Socrates was getting at when he said, "The unexamined life is not worth living."

Here is what I learned recently in re-examining my own life: The top 10 values that most run my life and influence my priorities, choices and decisions are: Love, Relationships (family, friends, intimate other), Connection/Intimacy, Freedom (especially personal freedom), Health, Self-fulfillment, Growth, Learning, Fun, and Joy.

What are yours?

And what does all this have to do with Life Coaching? A Life Coach helps you to examine your unexamined life, to re-evaluate and update your beliefs, values, life purpose, priorities, choices, actions, and goals in order to help you make better choices, to actively create a life, career, or business that is in alignment with who you are, and to create for yourself a high-quality, satisfying, and happy life.

If you are ready to re-examine your life, career, or business, I can help. Visit my Website, Connie Komack/LifeWork Enterprises, and then let's talk. Have a great day!

Blogging Again: Back in the Saddle

Bless me, someone - it's been 8 months and 17 days since my last Blog post!

And, more than that, it's been twelve months since I published the last issue of my monthly e-newsletter, LifeWork Letter!

Why the long hiatus? Who knows, for sure. I've got some thoughts about this.

I'll tell you what it's NOT: It's not due to illness, nor family emergencies, nor a career change, nor retirement, nor an extensive trip around the world, nor a dislike of writing.

On the contrary, I am very much alive and well, my family is well, and I am still a life/work coach, trainer, speaker, and writer. I am not retired, though I do take more time off than I used to. I haven't done any traveling, except for a brief two-day trip to Maine this summer. And I love writing more than ever. In fact, this month - the month of November - I am once again participating in National Novel Writing Month (www.NaNoWriMo.org).

So, again, why the long hiatus in writing my Blog or Newsletter?

• Well, for a while back there, I was heavily involved in developing and facilitating an entrepreneurial training program specifically designed for unemployed workers who wanted to start their own businesses. Writing time slipped away.
• Then, as late spring approached, I embarked on a focused weight management and exercise program (self-designed) that resulted in getting much more fit and healthy and losing 15 pounds of last year's "winter weight". This took a lot of time, focus, and energy.
• As summer came into full bloom, a special friendship did too, and spending time with him became a welcome distraction. No, more than a distraction, it became a priority. (Still is.)
• Then came Fall - a birthday, some business presentations, some PR in two newspaper articles, a sore shoulder from over-exercising, rehearsals for two musical productions, fundraising for a non-profit, and complications in the special friendship - all taking precedence.

But what's the bottom line here? What derails us from our so-called "productive activities"? What causes us to lose our focus and drift?

Here are some thoughts about that, some possible causes:

• Distractions
• Laziness
• Exhaustion
• Procrastination
• A reorganization of priorities
• A lack of Purpose, or a change of Purpose
• A need for a break, a change of pace, some R&R
• A desire for fun and/or creative endeavors
• A time for learning, gathering new ideas and information - some "mulling" time
• A period of transformation, similar to being in the chrysalis stage between caterpillar and butterfly

Now, I am filled with thoughts about all these areas, and a desire to share my ideas, and to dialogue with my readers. All these topics and more are now on the table for discussion. In my next blog post, I will address the issue of procrastination.

So, let me hear from you. What takes you off-course in your life? Or, does your course merely change? How does procrastination fit into your picture?

Waiting

Lately, I've been thinking about the concept of "waiting". Waiting is one of the built-in aspects of being in a period of transition. We all go through transition periods at different times in our lives. Many of us are in transition right now.

What are we waiting for? Could be almost anything. Waiting for good news, waiting for bad news. Waiting for the economy to get better, for the stock market to go up, for the unemployment rate to go down, for the axe to fall on a job, for the outcome of a job interview, for school to start or end, for the next exam, for the results of a lab test, for the next date, for a proposal, for a special event or the next holiday, for a sale to go through, for a mortgage approval, for a baby to be born, for that check to arrive in the mail, for the weather to change, for your life to change in some wonderful way, small or large. Perhaps we are waiting for life to begin (literally or figuratively) or waiting for it to end. Waiting for nothing. Waiting for Godot.

Robert Grudin (author of Time and the Art of Living) is quoted as saying: In the landscape of time, there are few locations less comfortable than that of one who waits for some person or event to arrive at some unknown moment in the future.

Yes, waiting is often uncomfortable. Sometimes waiting creates happy, excited feelings, perhaps a sense of delicious anticipation. More often, it leads to more uncomfortable emotions: nervousness, anxiety, fear, sadness, impatience, frustration, or boredom. Yet it is these very feelings that eventually move us through a waiting period and into action.

I think of waiting as comparable to the chrysalis stage of the butterfly life cycle, the butterfly being a creature who has left the land of the known (the caterpillar stage) and is quietly going through a period of intense change and transformation (pupation) - a period in which the creature is quite fluid and formless and the end result is as yet unknown. What will emerge, we all know, will be a butterfly or moth. But the creature does not know this, and all it can do is wait.

Is waiting a passive event? No, not usually. Though change during a waiting period is often internal and not always obvious to the casual observer, it IS happening and often at an accelerated rate. Think of the cocoon of a butterfly again. When viewed from the outside, no change is apparent. But if you could see through to the inside, you would see that huge transformational changes are taking place. It is often that way for humans too.

Anna Nagle writes: But the most important thing about learning to wait, I feel sure, is to know what you are waiting for.

Ah, this can be a sticky point, yes? Sometimes we do know exactly what we are waiting for: the next bus, train or plane, the doctor's appointment, our favorite TV show to come on, the baby to arrive. But other times, things are not so clear and we are not so sure. Perhaps we are waiting for our life to get better, but we don't know what that means. Or we're waiting for a better job opportunity, though we haven't figured out what we really want to do with our work lives. Or maybe we're waiting for Prince (or Princess) Charming to come riding up and sweep us off our feet, though we have no idea who we would want that person to be or what "happily ever after" might look like, if, in fact, it exists at all and we were lucky enough to live it.

Nagle has a point. A productive way to move through this waiting time is to get as clear as we can about what it is we are waiting for. We may not get exactly what we are wanting, but we will have a better shot at it. And sometimes, the thing we think we want is not really what we want, and what we ultimately get is often better than anything we could have imagined.

So, how might we use this waiting period to get clearer? We might be in the waiting room of a doctor's office and read a magazine article that speaks eloquently to some change we are making. We might be between jobs and take that opportunity to re-assess our values, priorities, skills, and interests and then choose a new career path. We might be approaching a life stage transition - perhaps graduation or empty nest or the approach of retirement - and use that time to research options and perhaps re-invent ourselves and create a new lifestyle or career direction.

Another opportunity within a waiting period is to take the time not only for inner reflection and change but also for cleaning up the external unfinished business in your life - the clutter, the undone projects, the completion of unresolved relationships, the overdue items on your mental or actual To Do lists.

And yet another way to move through the waiting period is to do things that prepare you for whatever it is that is there for you at the end of the waiting period. The Wayside Pulpit at a local church currently displays this quote: When those who fish cannot go to sea, they mend nets. [Book of Runes, adapted].

So, mend your nets - get the room ready for your expected baby, learn new computer skills for the job you're hoping to get, buy a new outfit for the next eHarmony date, practice your songs while you wait for the recital date, read up on your field, take off that extra weight, eat nutritious food, get more exercise, sleep well, write in your journal, meditate.

The waiting periods of our life are inevitable and necessary. They are periods of rest, renewal, regrouping, time-outs, introspection, completion, creativity, re-invention, and transformation. They are not wasted times. On the contrary, they are often times that provide great growth - sometimes quantum transformational leaps. (Remember the butterfly!)

One day, the waiting will be over - this time around, anyway. What will be the outcome? Will it be what we expected or not? Will it be what we wanted and hoped for, or what we dreaded and feared? Will it be an ending or a beginning? Or both? We cannot know until the time comes. Nothing serves us better during these waiting times than patience, trust and a positive outlook - an inner confidence or "knowing" that all will hapen at the right time and will turn out for the best.

One thing seems certain: there are two things that will tip the scales in favor of getting what we are waiting and hoping for: gratitude and receptivity - gratitude for what we have learned or gained during the waiting period as well as for whatever it is that comes to us, and the openness of heart, mind, and spirit that invites the best possible outcomes.

Sarah Ben Breathnach writes, Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.

Whatever you are waiting for, may it bless your life and bring you peace.

Moving Through Transitions

In my life/work coaching practice, I work extensively with people in transition - life transitions, career transitions, and business transitions. The change points in our lives - whether personal or professional - are the times that offer the biggest possibilities for transformational growth. During these times, we are called upon to dig deep within ourselves to resolve old issues and prepare ourselves for new challenges and opportunities. This is where the "juice" is!

It is as if the LEGOs of our lives, which had been put together in a structure of a certain type, have now been taken apart and lie scattered on the floor, waiting for us to put them together again. We have choices. We can rebuild our lives exactly as they were before. [This rarely happens.] Or, we can reconstruct or reinvent our lives in new ways.

In that in-between space, when we sit on the floor staring at the scattered pieces, no longer formed in the old way and not yet formed in the new way, we encounter a mixed bag of emotions and experiences - chaos, uncertainty, the unknown, fear, loss, sadness, ennui, possibility, opportunity, creativity, imagination, excitement.

What happens when a "Transitions Coach" encounters her own life/work transitions? I can tell you some things about that. About two and a half months ago, I came upon a day which became a "perfect storm" of transitions - a "hat trick" of change. In other words, in one day in May - May 12th to be exact - big changes happened in three key areas of my life: I went through a personal bankruptcy hearing. I learned that I would have to move from my much-enjoyed apartment in Rockport due to a condo conversion, and I was given a month to do it. And a friendship with someone who was very dear to me came to an end. [Each of these events was independent of each other.] Many of the LEGO pieces of my life came apart and lay scattered before me, though fragments remained - my family, my health, and my business were still more or less intact.

What happened during that time? Well, grief, for one thing. All the stages of grief that Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross described in her epic book, On Death and Dying, came at me thick and fast - shock, denial, bargaining, fear, anger, depression, sadness, and, finally, acceptance. Is all of this behind me now? No, some sadness still remains. Maybe still a touch of anger now and then. But mostly, there is acceptance.

One professional and personal gift for me in this group of transitions is the gift of empathy. I have recently "been there" and now I have increased my capacity for empathy and compassion for my clients, friends, and family. I know at an experiential level what they are going through. I know the two sides of the transition coin; they are called Fear and Excitement. Or, they could be called Loss and Possibility.

I am still in the midst of a passage between two shores. I have left the familiar shores of home and friendship and have barely touched the shore of home on the other side, let alone new relationships and new opportunities. I have much yet to discover. I have reached the "New World" and it is full of possibility and opportunity. What awaits me here I do not know, but I am open to discovering it.

Another gift of this "perfect storm" was the much-needed forced opportunity to clear my life of both physical and emotional clutter. There is a lot of benefit to be derived from discarding "stuff" that no longer serves us. [I have written about this before in my series on the Letting-Go Experiments.]. And in these past two months or so, I have let go of lots and lots of excess stuff in my life - clothes, magazines, books, household items, tax records from the 90's, and office papers - lots and lots of papers. This "stuff" was choking my life - and my business (which has been improving since the move).

And on the emotional front, these losses also helped me to revisit and heal older losses and older grief triggered by these new events. I had the opportunity to clean both my physical house and my emotional house. And I got to thinking that perhaps most or many of us need to move - or make other significant changes in at least one area of our lives - every few years, in order to clear out the clutter – the "stuff" that no longer serves us.

Another metaphor I frequently use for this transition time and space is the metamorphosis of a caterpillar into a butterfly. It is in the in-between place - in the chrysalis, in the pupating phase - where transformational change takes place. In this phase, the major work is happening inside the cocoon, where no one looking on from the outside can see it. But one day the transformation is complete - the butterfly emerges from its cocoon, gets its feet under it, flaps its wings, and flies. And things are never again what they were. There is no turning back. It happens to caterpillars and it can happen to humans too.

So, what do we do, then, in this "New World" - the world of butterflies?

We keep our eyes open. We remain curious and receptive. We take it a day at a time. We live in the now. We say "thank you" for landing on our feet. We approach each day with appreciation, gratitude, and wonder. We are hopeful. We expand our horizons. We anticipate wonderful surprises.

And we play with the LEGOs of our life. We use our creativity, our imagination, our thoughtful minds to rebuild our lives, to reinvent ourselves once again.

We ask ourselves this question, first posed by Mary Oliver in her poem, "The Summer Day": Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

I plan to be open to Life's surprises, to want what I have, whatever that is, and to be happy.

What will Your answer be?

On Fear - Some Resources

I am researching the subject of Fear for my April e-newsletter, to be published in the next few days. Already I have found some very interesting Web sites and articles on the subject, and here are a few of my picks:

1. Fear - from Wikipedia

2. How Fear Works by Julia Layton. Published on How Stuff Works.

3. 5 Life-Changing Keys to Overcoming Your Fear by Henrik Edberg, first published in Wealth & Money, February 22, 2007. Re-published on the Positivity Blog.

4. Dealing With Fear (a Buddhist perspective) - from www.dealingwithfear.org.

5. Transcending Fear - Web site of Fear Specialist and Keynote Speaker, Brian Germain

Some of my questions: What IS Fear, really? When is it useful and when is it not? How do we distinguish between the two? And how do we deal with Fear when it is not useful so that we can live a happy and fully actualized life?

If you have thoughts or comments about this topic, please share them.

A Choice: Bloom or Wither in the Bud?

I love flowers! The other day, I purchased a bouquet of fall flowers from the supermarket. The bouquet was mostly a mixture of pink asters, lavender heather, and some feathery greens. However, in the midst of this bouquet, there was one beautiful long-stemmed rose, in perfect bud about to open. The petals were a creamy white, veined and edged with pink.

The rose is one of my very favorite flowers. To me, it symbolizes many things, including beauty, grace, elegance, romance, love, possibility, and the unfolding of one's full potential.

I decided to remove the rose from the bouquet and place it in its own special vase. Then, I eagerly awaited the unfolding and blooming of this gorgeous bud.

The thing is, it never blossomed. As I write this, I am looking at this tight white rosebud, now with faded pink edges, dried up and withering on its stem. It will never open, unfold, be splendid in its fullness.

I remember thinking about the life cycle of the rose many years ago, when I was in a women's group and the facilitator led us through a guided meditation in which we imagined ourselves as a flower. I had chosen to imagine myself as a long-stemmed red rose. As I visualized the bud forming on the end of the stem, grow larger, become an exquisite bud just starting to unfold, I felt great joy and a sense of anticipation. I continued to imagine the bud opening, as if in time-lapse photography, until it was fully open and at the peak of its magnificence. It was breathtaking. Then, I continued watching as the rose continued to open beyond its peak and the petals began to drop, one by one, and the remains of the flower began to wither and dry up. At that point, I began to feel both sad and scared, as I fully grasped not only the life cycle of the rose but the life cycle of all living things, including me.

The first time after that experience that I observed a rosebud that had withered and died before it opened, I imagined that perhaps it was afraid to open because it didn't want to fade, lose its petals, and die. But the irony was that it did fade, wither, and die anyway. It just never got to be glorious in all its fullness.

How are people like roses? We all start out as the budding rose, preparing to bloom in all our splendor. And some of us do just that. Sadly, many of us do not. Some get picked early or nipped in the bud by frost. And some buds never do open; they just wither on the stem without ever blooming.

Somehow, all this pondering led me to think about two actresses who reminded me of roses. One is Marilyn Monroe, who died in full bloom, and thus never got to be old or withered. Some theorize that she took her life for just this reason - so that she would always remain in people's memories at the peak of her blooming. (I have a different theory about her death, but that is beside the point.) Another is Elizabeth Taylor, a most magnificent rose, who is allowing herself to go full cycle. And then I thought of people I know - friends, family, clients, colleagues, and, yes, even myself - who hold something in themselves back from life and living and don't allow themselves to flower fully into their most magnificent selves. And I wonder: Is this holding back all about the fear of aging and/or dying? Do some people, like the withered, tightly-closed rosebud in the vase on my desk, hold onto their petals so fiercely, for fear of losing them, that they never allow themselves their moment in the sun?

Finally, I get it. Whether we bloom or not, we will eventually age and die. Holding tightly to the bud stage will not prevent this, or even forestall it.

So, here's the choice then: Would you rather bloom fully, knowing that you would eventually lose all your petals, or hold on tightly as a rosebud, full of promise, but never reaching your full potential? Isn't that a choice we all have to make? Maybe more than once? Maybe daily?

What's your choice?

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Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com

Butterflies, Transitions, and Transformation

Recently, I was asked why I seem to have chosen the butterfly as the symbol, or logo, for my business. This is what I said...

I am drawn to the butterfly as a symbol of my work because it is a metaphor for the kind of deep transformation that can occur during a significant transition period in one's life - an evolution into one's full potential, from which there is no going back.

If we think metaphorically about ourselves beginning as caterpillars that eat (take in information) and grow to a point where we understand intiuitively that that something significant and deep has to occur in order for us to reach our full potential, then we can understand any transition as an opportunity to enter that cocooning place where deep changes could be taking place in our psyche as well as in our physical being or outer life.

As we move through this transformative transition - this pupation stage, where lots of inner work is taking place, though nothing much may appear to the casual observer to be happening - we finally assimilate all the information and inner wisdom we have gathered over time and are ready to emerge as a butterfly - a magnificent version of ourselves - the expression of our full potential, our true life purpose - free to fly, create, and make a difference in the world.

Transitions may come to us organically as we pass through the various life stages, or they may be forced upon us by events in or out of our control - serious accidents, illness, job loss or severe job dissatisfaction, marriage, childbirth, divorce, death of a loved one, and the like. Or, they may be signaled by deep internal stirrings - feelings of restlessness, boredom, confusion, lack of direction, depression, or general ennui.

Not every transition period in a person's life will lead to this type of deep transformation. But some do, and the potential is always there. Often, the event we label as "mid-life" crisis is actually signaling the end of the caterpillar phase of our lives and the beginning of the pupation process - the outward expression of a compelling inner drive towards being our most authentic self and living life at our full potential. Though I mention mid-life, this drive for transformative change can come upon us at any age or stage in our life.

There is a wonderful allegorical story called Hope for the Flowers, written by Trina Paulus in the 1970's (Paulist Press, 1973) that first drew me to the caterpillar/cocoon/butterfly as the symbol for the work I do in coaching people through transitions. Witnessing my clients emerge as the butterflies they were always meant to be brings me great joy.

Hope for the Flowers is a story about two caterpillars, Stripe and Yellow, who become friends. Both are becoming disastisfied with caterpillar life. As the story progresses, Yellow begins to learn about butterflies and is told that she could become one, if she were willing to risk going through a period when she would stop being a caterpillar but would not yet become a butterfly. She is told, "You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." And she is encouraged by a butterfly she has met: "You'll be a beautiful butterfly - we're all waiting for you!" And so, she takes the risk and does eventually emerge as a yellow butterfly, beautiful and free. Soon afterwards, she helps Stripe to risk as well, and he begins to spin his cocoon.

What about you? Are you ready to risk for a butterfly?

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