Learning From Adversity - The Holidays

This year - 2009 - has been a tough year for many people. We all know that the worldwide economic recession has taken a toll on our lives in many ways. Some have lost jobs or businesses. Some have lost homes. Some have been mired in debt. Some have declared bankruptcy. Some have lost some or all of their retirement income. Some have lost opportunities to attend college or university. Many, or most, have had to tighten their financial belts in many ways, giving up luxuries, or some discretionary spending, or perhaps even some necessities like food, shelter, medications or medical treatment. Some marriages or other relationships have been strained to the breaking point. Stress has become a fact of life in many lives, and if not handled well, it has taken a toll on one's health and well-being.

There is a story that circulates in the speaking profession (and I apologize that I cannot remember exactly how it goes or the person to credit for this story) about a boy who had been begging his parents for a long time to buy him a pony, which he wanted more than anything else in the world. The parents repeatedly refused. (They could not afford one.) At the same time, they were constantly pressuring him to clean up his messy room, strewn with so many toys, clothes, and mouldy leftover food snacks that they were constantly repelled and frustrated. But the boy, too, resisted. So, one day, they took drastic measures and filled his room with horse manure, certain that this would force him to clean up his room. When he opened the door to his room, he immediately saw (and smelled) the mess. But instead of being repelled, as his parents expected, his face lit up with a smile, and he said with great excitement, "with all this manure on the floor, there must be a pony in here somewhere!"

This is what I hope we all come to somehow. That we come to understand that underneath all the challenges of this economic mess, there are gifts - valuable gifts, precious gifts - gifts that could change, for the better, the quality of our lives, now and in the future. And that optimism serves us better than pessimism. In the midst of all these challenges, we need to look for the pony. It IS around here somewhere!

For example, we have just come through the Christmas or Hannukah season - the holiday season that puts the biggest strain on our pocketbooks of any other time of year. It is the ultimate "material girl" (or "material boy") time of year. We are lured into spending money a dozen ways to Sunday: gifts, cards, wrappings, decorations, food, drink, new clothes, extra grooming and pampering, parties, travel, entertainments, feasts and festivals.

I have noticed, and I'm sure you have too, that people have scaled back this year. Fewer cards have been sent, and many traditional cards have been replaced by electronic greeting cards and holiday letters. There are fewer lights out there, and therefore less electricity has been used in this rather wasteful way. Fewer people are traveling, preferring to stay home in their smaller family groupings. Gifts, if given at all, have been scaled back - fewer and less expensive. Last year's holiday clothes are being worn again this year. Parties are simplified and perhaps more are of the potluck variety.

While I recognize that cutting back on consumerism could contribute to the downward economic spiral, I also recognize that we, in the USA, have evolved into such a materialistic culture that we have lost our way in many other ways. What we are learning here, in this tough economy, are some important lessons about principles and values.

What lesons have you learned this year?

Here are some things I have learned about these holiday times:

• Our values are coming into sharper focus. We are setting priorities, honoring those, and stripping away some or most of the less important things.
• Family and friends are more precious than anything. They are the true gift of this season (or of any time of year).
• And love is the most precious gift of all.
• The holiday season is filled with non-material pleasures, like singing holiday songs and listening to holiday music, walking in the snow and building snowmen, making a point of visiting with neighbors, friends, and family, being immersed in the spiritual meanings and lessons of the holiday season.
• It is good to shake up traditions - to let go of some things and make room for new ideas, customs, and experiences to enter one's life.
• Simple food shared with friends and loved ones is every bit as delicious and satisfying as sharing fancy gourmet food.
• Last year's (or the past many year's) decorations are enough and just fine.
• That one small gift, chosen thoughtfully and specifically for the recipient, and given with love and caring, is worth more, much more, than a pile of gifts hastily selected under duress and pressure.
• Cards and letters, if sent at all, can be sent at one's leisure, instead of being rushed and hurried. Perhaps they'll even arrive in January after all the hubbub is over and the recipient can truly savor them. And if received, they can be savored for the gifts they are and for the opportunity to connect and catch up with people's lives.
• That giving is pure pleasure, whether or not anything is received in return.
• That in eating and drinking less this year, our figures are in better shape. [I know mine is.]
• That in giving up many of the material and time-consuming demands of the holidays, our stress levels are down. We can actually relax and enjoy the holidays. Imagine that!

And most of all, I have learned that Christmas dreams - if they come from the heart - really can come true. Mine have, and I hope yours have too.

Valentine's Day is NOT Just for Lovers

Valentine's Day is a special day set aside for the celebration of Love. And what better purpose could there be for a celebration!

But there is a catch!

In our country, especially, Valentine's Day is hyped as a day to celebrate romantic love, and to do that in ways that "stimulate the economy" - which is to say that the media pushes us to spend, spend, spend on this holiday, as on most others - as if the buying and giving of greeting cards, flowers, chocolates, sexy underwear, and fancy evenings out on the town were the only - or best - ways to show love to a special someone. But are they, really?

On Oprah's show on Wednesday, February 11, Oprah and her guest, relationship expert M. Gary Neuman, discussed his research and book, The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What To Do About It. The hour's discussion revealed this very human fact: Most of the time, when men (or women) cheat on their spouse or romantic partner, it is because they are feeling ignored, unappreciated, or overly criticized by their partner. Cheating, says Neuman, is not about finding a sexier or more attractive partner; it is simply about being with someone who treats you in ways that make you feel appreciated and special.

Bottom line: Creating a happy, loving, fulfilling relationship is not about fancy gifts and dates, nor is it about being the sexiest man or woman on the planet; it's about saying "thank you" or "how thoughtful of you" or "wow, what a nice thing to say (or do)" - every day!

Appreciating others is a practice that extends beyond our spouses and romantic partners. It is - or needs to be - the one thing that greases the squeaky wheel of ALL relationships.

And in the "No-one-could-say-it-better" category, let me direct your attention to this article - Love the One You're With: The Real Meaning of Valentine's Day - written by my friend and colleague Linda Varone, a Feng Shui Consultant, and published in her February e-newsletter, Nurturing Spaces.

Here are some excerpts from Linda's article, reprinted by permission:

"For those of you who have a spouse, partner or lover your most important gift is your undivided attention."

"For those of us who are not in a relationship - by choice or by happenstance - now is the time to look around and consciously recognize those people in your life who give you love in its many forms...."

"Celebrate yourself. You are worthy of love."

To read the whole article, click here. And while you're at it, also subscribe to Linda's free monthly e-newsletter, full of articles about how to create nurturing spaces in your life.

Let us expand our vision of how to celebrate Love on this special day. Let us expand our expressions of love for our our romantic partners to meaningful, personalized expressions of appreciation on a daily basis. And let us also include more than our romantic partners in this day of celebration. Let's open our arms and our hearts to our families, our friends, our colleagues, our neighbors, our acquaintances, and perhaps even - whoa, what a radical thought - to ourselves!

Happy Valentine's Day - on February 14th and on every other day of the year!

Greeting the New Year

Happy New Year, Dear Readers!

This would be a wonderful time to thank you for visiting our blog at any time since our launch in January of 2006 and to wish you every happiness and success in this new year of 2009.

Every year is a year of change, transition, and possibility - but perhaps this year more so than many. Though economic times may be tough and challenging for some, and though as a country and as a global population we still face challenges of many types, a new year always brings with it hope and the possibility of change for the better.

And in this country, and around the world, part of that hope will be brought to the fore with the inauguration of president-elect Barack Obama at noon on January 20th. In Mr. Obama, we have a leader who is extremely intelligent, thoughtful, perceptive, wise, inclusive, and far-seeing. His leadership already inspires hope and confidence.

To this mix, let us add two other words: patience and perseverance. Let us be patient as President Obama perseveres in finding solutions to our many dilemmas and challenges. Let us be both patient and persevering in pursuing our own goals and dreams and in solving our own dilemmas. And let each one of us be the change we hope to see around us.

A Different Kind of Christmas

For me, in the past, the entire holiday season, from Thanksgiving right through the New Year holiday, has been stressful - full of deadlines, too many things to do, financially draining, tiring, too many expectations, too much food, too much stuff. Many of you, I know, have gone through this too.

This year was different. It had a lot to do with the year-long Letting-Go Experiment that I have been doing. This year, I decided to downsize and de-stress the holidays. And this year, I had a wonderful and relaxing holiday season.

Just what was different? Here's my list:

1. Entertaining - this was the first year since I was married in the 60's that I was not the hostess for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and one of only a few times that I was not the hostess for Thanksgiving or any other large holiday gathering. This year, I was a guest instead. Until this year, I didn't fully appreciate how much work it is to host one of these holiday gatherings. I just did it. The absence of doing it created a lot more time for relaxation and a whole lot less stress.

2. Gifts - after talking it over with friends and family, I pared my gift list way down. My friends and I mutually agreed not to exchange gifts, but to go out for celebratory meals or to the movies instead. My family and I agreed to cut down the number and cost of the gifts we exhange and to forego doing Christmas stockings. This made for a much less stressful Christmas financially. Some of the money saved was given to charity.

3. Christmas cards - in past years, I have sent out over 150 cards during the holidays, as well as writing and sending a Christmas letter. This year, I did not do the letter, and sent only a few cards (most of those late) in response to the ones I received. This is normally one of my favorite holiday activities. I love being in touch with people at this time of year, reading their news and sharing mine. But this year, I let myself off the hook in terms of deadlines. I decided instead to take time in January to be in touch with these people, at my leisure.

4. Christmas tree - this year, for the first year ever, I decided not to have a Christmas tree. I did put out a few simple yet festive decorations - a door wreath, a poinsettia plant, a pine arrangement, lots of candles. I thought I would miss the tree. Even thought I might give in at the last moment and put one up. But I did not, and, strangely, I did not miss it. And I certainly didn't miss the work of setting it up and taking it down.

5. Food and drink - in past years, I have overdone cooking, baking, and eating, and have gained weight. This year, I took the emphasis off of food and drink and onto other things instead. (And actually lost a pound or two.) I only baked once - the traditional Buche de Noel we have enjoyed in our family every year on Christmas Day. No cookies, candy, pastries, etc. If we needed them (and we usually didn't), I bought them. I had eggnog, my favorite holiday drink, only once - at someone else's home. Tomorrow, New Year's Day, will be an exception, as I participate in an extravagent New Year's Day Brunch at the Stage Neck Inn in York, Maine, which has been a tradition with friends for more than 15 years.

6. Relaxation and enjoyment - This year, I decided to enjoy the holiday season by doing fun, non-material things. I love music and singing, so I sang in a holiday concert and in our town's Christmas pageant. I took rides to see the colorful holiday lights, but left my own window candles and most of my other decorations in the closet this year. I did a lot of walking. I window-shopped in our delightful town of Rockport, enjoying the ambience of the season; I avoided the malls. I spent time playing with my granddaughter. I partied with good friends, yet let some social events go. Christmas Day at my son's house was low-key, relaxing, and fun. We de-emphasized gifts and food and played more instead, taking a beautiful walk in nature and playing the Disney version of Scene-It.

I can't think of any way to spend the holidays that would be more relaxing and less stressful than it was this year, unless we ignored them altogether (which can also be stressful) or went on a cruise where we were waited on hand and foot. (Well, maybe next year?)

I hope your Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Solstice, Kwanzaa, and New Year's holidays were joyful, peaceful, relaxing and devoid of stress. If they were not, what might you do differently next year?

*************************************************************************************
Although this Blog site is not set up to be interactive at this time, feel free to contact me with your comments.

Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com