Leading From the Heart: Non-Violent Communication

When communication between two people (or two parties or two nations) goes astray, it is often because one or both parties are coming from a defensive posture rather than from a compassionate one. When one is coming from a place of trying to defend or protect his/her thoughts, opinions, feelings, turf, self-image, vulnerability, freedom, etc. , he/she is leading with the head rather than the heart. The intention is to control or dominate the conversation in order to protect oneself from harm - a "harm" much more often imagined then real. And from this place, true, honest, productive, connecting communication cannot take place.

A much more productive and truly connecting style of communication comes from a willingness to be open - open-minded and open-hearted - and to come from a place of curiosity and inquiry and a sense of respect and compassion for the other party. In this way, we can generate a sense of safety and trust in our communication with others, which in turn, leads to true understanding and much better outcomes. This style we might describe as leading from the heart, more than from the head.

Many of you may already be familiar with the communication style known as Non-Violent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg and originally published in the book Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Compassion (Marshall B. Rosenberg, Puddledancer Press, 2003).

In this style of communication, one strives to communicate openly and compassionately with another, listening carefully to the other, being clear about one's own needs, feelings, and wishes, and communicating them in a non-blaming, non-demanding way. In the most simplistic explanation of this communication process, in which you are either the giver or the receiver of the communication, there are four steps:

1. What I (or you) observe that does or does not contribute to my/your well-being.

2. What I (or you) am (are) feeling in relation to what I/you observe.

3. What I (or you) need or value that causes my/your feelings.

4. What concrete action(s) I (or you) would like taken that would enrich my/your life (expressed as a request, without demanding).

For a deeper explanation of this process, you can download the article "How You Can Use the NVC Process" authored by Marshall B. Rosenberg.

Learning to communicate with others in this way allows us to come from love rather than fear and to generate feelings of safety and trust in the other party rather than defensiveness and distrust.

What a world this would be if we could all master NVC!

Valentine's Day is NOT Just for Lovers

Valentine's Day is a special day set aside for the celebration of Love. And what better purpose could there be for a celebration!

But there is a catch!

In our country, especially, Valentine's Day is hyped as a day to celebrate romantic love, and to do that in ways that "stimulate the economy" - which is to say that the media pushes us to spend, spend, spend on this holiday, as on most others - as if the buying and giving of greeting cards, flowers, chocolates, sexy underwear, and fancy evenings out on the town were the only - or best - ways to show love to a special someone. But are they, really?

On Oprah's show on Wednesday, February 11, Oprah and her guest, relationship expert M. Gary Neuman, discussed his research and book, The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What To Do About It. The hour's discussion revealed this very human fact: Most of the time, when men (or women) cheat on their spouse or romantic partner, it is because they are feeling ignored, unappreciated, or overly criticized by their partner. Cheating, says Neuman, is not about finding a sexier or more attractive partner; it is simply about being with someone who treats you in ways that make you feel appreciated and special.

Bottom line: Creating a happy, loving, fulfilling relationship is not about fancy gifts and dates, nor is it about being the sexiest man or woman on the planet; it's about saying "thank you" or "how thoughtful of you" or "wow, what a nice thing to say (or do)" - every day!

Appreciating others is a practice that extends beyond our spouses and romantic partners. It is - or needs to be - the one thing that greases the squeaky wheel of ALL relationships.

And in the "No-one-could-say-it-better" category, let me direct your attention to this article - Love the One You're With: The Real Meaning of Valentine's Day - written by my friend and colleague Linda Varone, a Feng Shui Consultant, and published in her February e-newsletter, Nurturing Spaces.

Here are some excerpts from Linda's article, reprinted by permission:

"For those of you who have a spouse, partner or lover your most important gift is your undivided attention."

"For those of us who are not in a relationship - by choice or by happenstance - now is the time to look around and consciously recognize those people in your life who give you love in its many forms...."

"Celebrate yourself. You are worthy of love."

To read the whole article, click here. And while you're at it, also subscribe to Linda's free monthly e-newsletter, full of articles about how to create nurturing spaces in your life.

Let us expand our vision of how to celebrate Love on this special day. Let us expand our expressions of love for our our romantic partners to meaningful, personalized expressions of appreciation on a daily basis. And let us also include more than our romantic partners in this day of celebration. Let's open our arms and our hearts to our families, our friends, our colleagues, our neighbors, our acquaintances, and perhaps even - whoa, what a radical thought - to ourselves!

Happy Valentine's Day - on February 14th and on every other day of the year!

The Courage Code

How do YOU define Courage? Do you define it as taking great physical or financial risks or performing heroic deeds in the face of possible injury, death, or financial disaster? Do you see courage as facing the enemy in battle, chasing down and arresting a criminal, rock climbing, shooting rapids, exploring jungles, skydiving, bungee jumping, climbing Mt. Everest, or making a risky investment on Wall Street? This is our cultural view of courage today. This is the masculine expression of courage.

In The Courage Code, by authors Megan Raphael and Jennifer Byron, we are introduced to some new examples of courage - a new code of courage - born of the feminine and exemplified by the stories of 44 women of courage.

These are stories of women who found their voice, learned to speak up even if their opinion was not shared by others, learned how to say "Yes" and "No" from their own truth, were able to walk away from abusive situations and say "no more", made choices to change their lives in ways that risked disapproval or worse, stopped living to please others and starting living from their own authentic truth. These are everyday stories of taking risks on many levels - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, financial - risks that may not make headlines but in their own ways took enormous amounts of courage.

In the Introduction, the authors state, "We're also introducing 44 women who are, as you are everyday, living courageously. They are challenged everyday to create a life of meaning and authenticity. They have discovered the power of seemingly small choices that create mammoth shifts in their lives and in their worlds."

I can relate to this, as I think of some of the choices I have made and the risks I have taken. I have taken very few physical - or masculine-type - risks, though I did once go gliding in an unpowered sailplane, which is perhaps the biggest physical risk I have taken. I have taken financial risks, most notably by starting and running two different entrepreneurial businesses from an undercapitalized place. I have taken professional risks, such as learning to speak professionally before audiences of all sizes (and going from paralyzing fear to absolute confidence and joy in these situations).

But most of my risks in life have been relational and emotional ones: the first time I asked a boy out (perhaps the scariest thing I ever did, at least it felt that way at the time), the decision to end a marriage which was good in many ways but which was starving each of us emotionally, the courage to stand up to a "friend" who did something very unkind, the risk of saying "Yes" to an unfamiliar and scary proposition, the risk of saying "No" to something that was not in my best interests, and more recently, taking the risk of traveling 3000 miles to have a "third date" with an old high school friend whom I haven't seen in 48 years or taking the risk of losing a very rare and treasured friendship by being authentic and telling my truth.

Though this book is written for and about women, there is much richness here for men as well. We all have aspects of both the feminine and the masculine within us. Each of these aspects, blended together - in one person or in a whole society - create a synergy that is greater than the sum of its parts. We will all grow as individuals and as a culture when we learn to own, embrace, and express the full range of the masculine and feminine within us. The brands of courage exemplified in the stories in this book are part of the whole picture, part of our humanity and wholeness. We are not looking at an "either/or" situation here, but a "both/and".

Stories and acts of courage come in all sizes and shapes, and all are there to be acknowledged and honored. It is time for the feminine codes of courage to take their rightful place in the fabric of our society. It is time for a more gentle revolution from within to help inform our political decisions and social welfare. An ancient Chinese proverb states, "Women hold up half the sky." We could say, by extension, that the feminine in each of us is as valuable a contribution to our society as is the masculine. It is time to bring this truth into being.

To order The Courage Code or to learn more about The Courage Project, visit www.courageproject.com or contact author Megan Raphael at megan@courageproject.com.

Designing Your Life: Book Review

Exciting News!

Word of my Designing Your Life program and workbook is finally spreading! A review of the workbook has been published online in Training Media Review. The review, by Mireille Massue, begins by discussing the symbolism of my business logo, the butterfly, as it relates to transformational coaching; it ends with this recommendation and a 3.5-star rating out of 4.0:

Recommendation
Designing Your Life is an excellent workbook offering tools to help you scrutinize your current life and work goals, reformulate them, and transform them into opportunity and action.

If you know someone - friend, family member, colleague, client - who would benefit from using a beautifully crafted, interactive workbook as a resource in redefining their career/life vision, plans, goals, then please send them to my web site or invite them to contact me personally by email at connie@conniekomack.com.

Goal-Free Living: A Book Review & More

Goal-Free Living - what does that mean? Does it mean that we abandon all goals and just float through life like a leaf on a river, going wherever the current takes us?

This is the question I asked my colleague, Steve Shapiro, about a year ago upon the publication of his book, Goal-Free Living: How to Have the Life You Want NOW! (Stephen M. Shapiro, John Wiley & Sons, 2006). At the time, I was holding the autographed copy in my hands, but had not yet even read the dust jacket. When I got home, I looked it over quickly and then put it aside to read when I had time. Recently, I finally made that time and read the book cover-to-cover. And then I could not wait to tell my readers and clients about it.

As a Life/Work Coach, one of the things I do with clients is to work with them on setting realistic, achievable goals, then creating an Action Plan to accomplish those goals, and finally actually taking the actions needed to accomplish those goals. I approached this book wondering, Was this book proposing that people should live their lives without any goals? Or hinting that as a coach I should stop teaching goal-setting and action-planning techniques and strategies?

As it turns out, the answer is a qualified "No". Goal-Free Living is not about letting go of all goals. It's about having some goals but not being driven by them, not being "Goal-Focused" all the time. Goal-Free Living is about living in, and responding to, the moment, being fully engaged with the here and now, being tuned in to the opportunities that are constantly presenting themselves to us, if only we are open to receiving them.

In the author's own words, "Goal-Free Living is about listening to your gut, trusting that you are moving in the right direction, a direction that has meaning for you. You take risks and try new things. You play full out. Everything you do fits with your purpose."

Ah, here's the nub: knowing your purpose. Without knowing your purpose, or having some vision of a possible future, we would indeed drift.

And in addition to knowing your purpose, I would add, knowing yourself - your skills, talents, strengths, interests, personality style, cognitive style, values, dreams, wishes, aspirations and especially your overarching life purpose. And to this mix, I would also add identifying your passion - that thing, or things, that ignite(s) your energy, imagination, and drive - and letting these factors guide your journey through life.

Use a compass, not a map. This, Shapiro writes, is the first of his eight secrets for living a goal-free life. I interpret this secret, or guideline, to mean using your purpose, passion, and self-knowledge as Aspirations (Shapiro's term) or Mega-Goals (my term) - goals that set the tone or theme of your life. These become the Compass. A Map, in this context, would be a set of specific and detailed goals leading ultimately to fulfilling your purpose and vision in a specific, predetermined way.

For example, suppose your overriding life purpose was "to make a difference". This purpose would become the Compass of your life. And in all you do, making a difference would be the aspiration or mega-goal. Let's suppose, then, that you developed a very specific vision of how you would lead your life in response to that purpose. Perhaps you set a course for a career in health or politics or social justice, for example. And then, you created an action plan that led to to fulfilling that vision - a plan that perhaps contained very specific and focused action steps for reaching that goal. The Action Plan would become the Map.

The Goal-Focused approach would be to follow that Map with much intention, which would lead to achieving your very specific vision. The Goal-Free approach, on the other hand, would be to hold "making a difference" as your aspiration, or mega-goal, and then live your life in the present moment with your ear to the ground, open to all the possibilities you might encounter that would result in making a difference. This approach leaves you open to many more possibilities in terms of expressing and living your purpose, but also can create distraction, lack of focus, and confusion.

The way I look at it, there is value in each approach, and some people are more suited to one approach than the other. The Goal-Focused approach is a more logical, rational, analytical, step-by-step approach to creating a life. It is more suited to people who are primarily "left-brained" in their cognitive or personality style. The Goal-Free approach is a more creative, intuitive, multi-layered approach, and is more suited to those who are primarily "right-brained" in their cognitive or personality style. And, then, there is always the possibility of blending the two styles, or moving back and forth between them as the situation requires.

The author of Goal-Free Living shares eight secrets for living a Goal-Free life. So far, we have explored only one. What are the other seven secrets? Perhaps we will explore these in a future blog. Meanwhile, feel free to contact author Stephen Shapiro for the answer to that question or to order the book online through Amazon.com.

Meanwhile, what is your Compass? Your overriding life and/or work purpose? How might you use your purpose, your passion, and your unique gifts and talents as your compass in a goal-free life and change (improve) the quality of your life?

What's in a Name (or a Title)?

Have you ever noticed that the titles of some self-help books can be a lesson in and of themselves? I buy a lot of books, including self-help books, and many have great titles. But there are a few whose titles so skillfully capture the author's message that you don't even have to read the books in order to integrate the author's wisdom in a deep and powerful way. Here are ten of my favorites. May their title messages empower you!

I'm O.K. - You're O.K. (Thomas Harris, Harper & Row, 1969)

Love is Letting Go of Fear (Gerald Jampolsky, Celestial Arts, 1979)

Don't Push the River (It Flows By Itself) (Barry Stevens, Real People Press, 1970)

Do What You Love and the Money Will Follow (Marsha Sinetar, Paulist Press, 1987)

Do What You Are (Paul Tieger & Barbara Barron-Tieger, Little, Brown, 2001)

Happiness is a Choice (Barry Neil Kaufman, Ballantine, 1991)

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff (Richard Carlson, Hyperion, 1997)

Relax, You're Already Perfect (Bruce Schneider, Hampton Roads, 2002)

How You See Anything is How You See Everything (Gail Van Kleeck, Andrews McNeil, 1999)

Simplify Your Life (Elaine St. James, MJF Books, 2001)

And if you want to delve beneath the surface of these wonderful titles, they would all make great summer reading. Enjoy!

*******************************************************************
Although this Blog site is not set up to be interactive at this time, feel free to contact me with your comments.

Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com