A New Year, A New Path - The Path of Love

This is my year of deep change, both personally and professionally.

The path I choose to pursue is the path of Love. This is not a new pursuit for me. It is my oldest and deepest longing to find, keep, give, receive, live and share Love in all its forms - especially in the form of a mate relationship.

I am no longer young. But neither am I past the point of no return. I believe this: We can find love - and love can find us - at any age.

It is my intention [and this is way beyond a "resolution"] to begin a lasting, joyful, right-in-every-way mate relationship this year - 2011. This is my personal path.

It is also my intention to develop experience and expertise in guiding others along this path, through writing, coaching, and speaking on the topic of "Love, Dating, Marriage, and Mating in the Senior Years".

How do I define "Senior Years"? Not sure yet. I am a Senior - chronologically, if not in my psyche - and I am wanting to connect with women and men in my age range. But the path of finding Love is not restricted to an age range. It is a universal longing, from birth to death. So, I would say that though I may be aiming my arrows towards the 55+ crowd, or the 60+ crowd, anyone who resonates with this subject, and is on this journey, is welcome to join the pilgrimage.

Watch for these developments in 2011:
- a blog and a Web site devoted to this topic and including lots of Resources
- a proliferation of articles, both online and in print - and perhaps an eBook
- a coaching and speaking practice devoted to "Love, Dating, Marriage, and Mating in the Senior Years".

Stay tuned.

If you are on this path, or have been recently, and you have questions or issues to resolve, or wisdom and experience to share, please contact me by adding a comment below.

Leading From the Heart: Non-Violent Communication

When communication between two people (or two parties or two nations) goes astray, it is often because one or both parties are coming from a defensive posture rather than from a compassionate one. When one is coming from a place of trying to defend or protect his/her thoughts, opinions, feelings, turf, self-image, vulnerability, freedom, etc. , he/she is leading with the head rather than the heart. The intention is to control or dominate the conversation in order to protect oneself from harm - a "harm" much more often imagined then real. And from this place, true, honest, productive, connecting communication cannot take place.

A much more productive and truly connecting style of communication comes from a willingness to be open - open-minded and open-hearted - and to come from a place of curiosity and inquiry and a sense of respect and compassion for the other party. In this way, we can generate a sense of safety and trust in our communication with others, which in turn, leads to true understanding and much better outcomes. This style we might describe as leading from the heart, more than from the head.

Many of you may already be familiar with the communication style known as Non-Violent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg and originally published in the book Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Compassion (Marshall B. Rosenberg, Puddledancer Press, 2003).

In this style of communication, one strives to communicate openly and compassionately with another, listening carefully to the other, being clear about one's own needs, feelings, and wishes, and communicating them in a non-blaming, non-demanding way. In the most simplistic explanation of this communication process, in which you are either the giver or the receiver of the communication, there are four steps:

1. What I (or you) observe that does or does not contribute to my/your well-being.

2. What I (or you) am (are) feeling in relation to what I/you observe.

3. What I (or you) need or value that causes my/your feelings.

4. What concrete action(s) I (or you) would like taken that would enrich my/your life (expressed as a request, without demanding).

For a deeper explanation of this process, you can download the article "How You Can Use the NVC Process" authored by Marshall B. Rosenberg.

Learning to communicate with others in this way allows us to come from love rather than fear and to generate feelings of safety and trust in the other party rather than defensiveness and distrust.

What a world this would be if we could all master NVC!

Learning From Adversity - The Holidays

This year - 2009 - has been a tough year for many people. We all know that the worldwide economic recession has taken a toll on our lives in many ways. Some have lost jobs or businesses. Some have lost homes. Some have been mired in debt. Some have declared bankruptcy. Some have lost some or all of their retirement income. Some have lost opportunities to attend college or university. Many, or most, have had to tighten their financial belts in many ways, giving up luxuries, or some discretionary spending, or perhaps even some necessities like food, shelter, medications or medical treatment. Some marriages or other relationships have been strained to the breaking point. Stress has become a fact of life in many lives, and if not handled well, it has taken a toll on one's health and well-being.

There is a story that circulates in the speaking profession (and I apologize that I cannot remember exactly how it goes or the person to credit for this story) about a boy who had been begging his parents for a long time to buy him a pony, which he wanted more than anything else in the world. The parents repeatedly refused. (They could not afford one.) At the same time, they were constantly pressuring him to clean up his messy room, strewn with so many toys, clothes, and mouldy leftover food snacks that they were constantly repelled and frustrated. But the boy, too, resisted. So, one day, they took drastic measures and filled his room with horse manure, certain that this would force him to clean up his room. When he opened the door to his room, he immediately saw (and smelled) the mess. But instead of being repelled, as his parents expected, his face lit up with a smile, and he said with great excitement, "with all this manure on the floor, there must be a pony in here somewhere!"

This is what I hope we all come to somehow. That we come to understand that underneath all the challenges of this economic mess, there are gifts - valuable gifts, precious gifts - gifts that could change, for the better, the quality of our lives, now and in the future. And that optimism serves us better than pessimism. In the midst of all these challenges, we need to look for the pony. It IS around here somewhere!

For example, we have just come through the Christmas or Hannukah season - the holiday season that puts the biggest strain on our pocketbooks of any other time of year. It is the ultimate "material girl" (or "material boy") time of year. We are lured into spending money a dozen ways to Sunday: gifts, cards, wrappings, decorations, food, drink, new clothes, extra grooming and pampering, parties, travel, entertainments, feasts and festivals.

I have noticed, and I'm sure you have too, that people have scaled back this year. Fewer cards have been sent, and many traditional cards have been replaced by electronic greeting cards and holiday letters. There are fewer lights out there, and therefore less electricity has been used in this rather wasteful way. Fewer people are traveling, preferring to stay home in their smaller family groupings. Gifts, if given at all, have been scaled back - fewer and less expensive. Last year's holiday clothes are being worn again this year. Parties are simplified and perhaps more are of the potluck variety.

While I recognize that cutting back on consumerism could contribute to the downward economic spiral, I also recognize that we, in the USA, have evolved into such a materialistic culture that we have lost our way in many other ways. What we are learning here, in this tough economy, are some important lessons about principles and values.

What lesons have you learned this year?

Here are some things I have learned about these holiday times:

• Our values are coming into sharper focus. We are setting priorities, honoring those, and stripping away some or most of the less important things.
• Family and friends are more precious than anything. They are the true gift of this season (or of any time of year).
• And love is the most precious gift of all.
• The holiday season is filled with non-material pleasures, like singing holiday songs and listening to holiday music, walking in the snow and building snowmen, making a point of visiting with neighbors, friends, and family, being immersed in the spiritual meanings and lessons of the holiday season.
• It is good to shake up traditions - to let go of some things and make room for new ideas, customs, and experiences to enter one's life.
• Simple food shared with friends and loved ones is every bit as delicious and satisfying as sharing fancy gourmet food.
• Last year's (or the past many year's) decorations are enough and just fine.
• That one small gift, chosen thoughtfully and specifically for the recipient, and given with love and caring, is worth more, much more, than a pile of gifts hastily selected under duress and pressure.
• Cards and letters, if sent at all, can be sent at one's leisure, instead of being rushed and hurried. Perhaps they'll even arrive in January after all the hubbub is over and the recipient can truly savor them. And if received, they can be savored for the gifts they are and for the opportunity to connect and catch up with people's lives.
• That giving is pure pleasure, whether or not anything is received in return.
• That in eating and drinking less this year, our figures are in better shape. [I know mine is.]
• That in giving up many of the material and time-consuming demands of the holidays, our stress levels are down. We can actually relax and enjoy the holidays. Imagine that!

And most of all, I have learned that Christmas dreams - if they come from the heart - really can come true. Mine have, and I hope yours have too.

Valentine's Day is NOT Just for Lovers

Valentine's Day is a special day set aside for the celebration of Love. And what better purpose could there be for a celebration!

But there is a catch!

In our country, especially, Valentine's Day is hyped as a day to celebrate romantic love, and to do that in ways that "stimulate the economy" - which is to say that the media pushes us to spend, spend, spend on this holiday, as on most others - as if the buying and giving of greeting cards, flowers, chocolates, sexy underwear, and fancy evenings out on the town were the only - or best - ways to show love to a special someone. But are they, really?

On Oprah's show on Wednesday, February 11, Oprah and her guest, relationship expert M. Gary Neuman, discussed his research and book, The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What To Do About It. The hour's discussion revealed this very human fact: Most of the time, when men (or women) cheat on their spouse or romantic partner, it is because they are feeling ignored, unappreciated, or overly criticized by their partner. Cheating, says Neuman, is not about finding a sexier or more attractive partner; it is simply about being with someone who treats you in ways that make you feel appreciated and special.

Bottom line: Creating a happy, loving, fulfilling relationship is not about fancy gifts and dates, nor is it about being the sexiest man or woman on the planet; it's about saying "thank you" or "how thoughtful of you" or "wow, what a nice thing to say (or do)" - every day!

Appreciating others is a practice that extends beyond our spouses and romantic partners. It is - or needs to be - the one thing that greases the squeaky wheel of ALL relationships.

And in the "No-one-could-say-it-better" category, let me direct your attention to this article - Love the One You're With: The Real Meaning of Valentine's Day - written by my friend and colleague Linda Varone, a Feng Shui Consultant, and published in her February e-newsletter, Nurturing Spaces.

Here are some excerpts from Linda's article, reprinted by permission:

"For those of you who have a spouse, partner or lover your most important gift is your undivided attention."

"For those of us who are not in a relationship - by choice or by happenstance - now is the time to look around and consciously recognize those people in your life who give you love in its many forms...."

"Celebrate yourself. You are worthy of love."

To read the whole article, click here. And while you're at it, also subscribe to Linda's free monthly e-newsletter, full of articles about how to create nurturing spaces in your life.

Let us expand our vision of how to celebrate Love on this special day. Let us expand our expressions of love for our our romantic partners to meaningful, personalized expressions of appreciation on a daily basis. And let us also include more than our romantic partners in this day of celebration. Let's open our arms and our hearts to our families, our friends, our colleagues, our neighbors, our acquaintances, and perhaps even - whoa, what a radical thought - to ourselves!

Happy Valentine's Day - on February 14th and on every other day of the year!

Letting Go of Fear

I want more LOVE in my life! More love shared with family and friends and perhaps even with that Special Someone I have yet to meet. More love of the work I do. More love of humanity, the earth, nature. More self-love. More love of LIFE!

As I meditated about what, if anything, might be blocking the flow of love in my life, the answer came to me: Fear. Yes, F-E-A-R (False Expectations Appearing Real).

Now, as the process of letting go and clearing the clutter out of one's life goes, releasing long-standing fears comes pretty high on the list of challenges.

Fear of what, you might ask.

We all have our own pet fears, generated from past experiences of one sort or another. You have yours; I have mine. Mine come, as most do, from childhood experiences, and the most obstacle-producing ones come as a doubled-edged sword: a fear of rejection and a fear of being trapped. These equal-but-opposite fears have created some real challenges in my life; they sometimes create a tremendous push-pull tension between the desire to engage and the desire to flee.

Then there are the bodily-harm-what-if-I-die fears, which, for me, mostly take the form of a fear of heights, thus preventing me from sky-diving, free-falling, bungee-jumping, tightrope walking, cliff climbing, trapeze flying, doing roof work, completing a high ropes course, painting above the first story of a building, hot-air ballooning, or flying in an airplane. This is mostly OK with me, as I have very little interest in any of these activities, except perhaps for hot air ballooning, which seems divine, and flying which I have done on occasion, both for business and for pleasure, despite my fears.

In terms of blocking our relationship to anything or anyone in life, Fear inserts iteself between you, or me, and the Other, and creates a host of barriers including guilt, anger, caution, doubt, distance, anger, withdrawal, judgement, misinterpretation, miscommunication, mistrust, refusal to cooperate, isolation, and inability to be intimate or to commit.

What might it be like, I wonder, to live a life free of most fears - especially those that are made up in our minds, have no relationship to the present moment and therefore are not real? How does one go about letting go of Fear? You can't just put it in the trash or give it to Goodwill or sell it on eBay or at a yard sale, now can you?

Then, I remembered a book I had read in the 70's, pulled it out of my bookshelves, and read it again. The title really says it all: Love Is Letting Go of Fear (by Gerald G. Jampolsky, original edition published by Celestial Arts in 1979).

Amazon.com describes this short (131-page) tightly written book this way: "An inspirational classic since 1979, LOVE IS LETTING GO OF FEAR remains one of the seminal works in the transpersonal movement." I agree that this book is a classic, every bit as wise and as timeless as it was when it was first published 28 years ago.

After devoting some pages in this book to exploring the ways in which fear inhibits the flow of love, Jerry Jampolsky provides a series of 12 daily lessons, which can be reviewed in a few minutes each day and repeated day after day until they become integrated into your life. These lessons are based upon some of the teachings contained within The Course in Miracles.

Some of the lessons are:
--Giving and Receiving are both acts of love.
--Forgiveness is the key to happiness.
--Letting go of judging anyone or anything is a way to inner peace.
--Staying in the moment almost always eliminates fear (fear is almost always based in the past or the future rather than in the present moment).
--Changing how you think about things is the key to letting go of fear.

So, in the abstract, Love is Letting Go of Fear. How does that translate to everyday life?

Here's an example from my life: I am working on a new work project for a client - a project I want very much to love and commit to. But those pesky fears are raising their nasty little heads and getting in the way. They have names like "fear of scarcity" and "fear of loss of control". I am a work-in-progress on this one. My intention is to work through and release these fears and have a joyful work experience. Time will tell.

What fears might you be ready to release? Perhaps Jampolsky's book could be your coach? What have you got to lose? No, a better question would be, what do you have to gain?

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Email: connie@conniekomack.com
Web: www.conniekomack.com