The Courage Code

How do YOU define Courage? Do you define it as taking great physical or financial risks or performing heroic deeds in the face of possible injury, death, or financial disaster? Do you see courage as facing the enemy in battle, chasing down and arresting a criminal, rock climbing, shooting rapids, exploring jungles, skydiving, bungee jumping, climbing Mt. Everest, or making a risky investment on Wall Street? This is our cultural view of courage today. This is the masculine expression of courage.

In The Courage Code, by authors Megan Raphael and Jennifer Byron, we are introduced to some new examples of courage - a new code of courage - born of the feminine and exemplified by the stories of 44 women of courage.

These are stories of women who found their voice, learned to speak up even if their opinion was not shared by others, learned how to say "Yes" and "No" from their own truth, were able to walk away from abusive situations and say "no more", made choices to change their lives in ways that risked disapproval or worse, stopped living to please others and starting living from their own authentic truth. These are everyday stories of taking risks on many levels - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, financial - risks that may not make headlines but in their own ways took enormous amounts of courage.

In the Introduction, the authors state, "We're also introducing 44 women who are, as you are everyday, living courageously. They are challenged everyday to create a life of meaning and authenticity. They have discovered the power of seemingly small choices that create mammoth shifts in their lives and in their worlds."

I can relate to this, as I think of some of the choices I have made and the risks I have taken. I have taken very few physical - or masculine-type - risks, though I did once go gliding in an unpowered sailplane, which is perhaps the biggest physical risk I have taken. I have taken financial risks, most notably by starting and running two different entrepreneurial businesses from an undercapitalized place. I have taken professional risks, such as learning to speak professionally before audiences of all sizes (and going from paralyzing fear to absolute confidence and joy in these situations).

But most of my risks in life have been relational and emotional ones: the first time I asked a boy out (perhaps the scariest thing I ever did, at least it felt that way at the time), the decision to end a marriage which was good in many ways but which was starving each of us emotionally, the courage to stand up to a "friend" who did something very unkind, the risk of saying "Yes" to an unfamiliar and scary proposition, the risk of saying "No" to something that was not in my best interests, and more recently, taking the risk of traveling 3000 miles to have a "third date" with an old high school friend whom I haven't seen in 48 years or taking the risk of losing a very rare and treasured friendship by being authentic and telling my truth.

Though this book is written for and about women, there is much richness here for men as well. We all have aspects of both the feminine and the masculine within us. Each of these aspects, blended together - in one person or in a whole society - create a synergy that is greater than the sum of its parts. We will all grow as individuals and as a culture when we learn to own, embrace, and express the full range of the masculine and feminine within us. The brands of courage exemplified in the stories in this book are part of the whole picture, part of our humanity and wholeness. We are not looking at an "either/or" situation here, but a "both/and".

Stories and acts of courage come in all sizes and shapes, and all are there to be acknowledged and honored. It is time for the feminine codes of courage to take their rightful place in the fabric of our society. It is time for a more gentle revolution from within to help inform our political decisions and social welfare. An ancient Chinese proverb states, "Women hold up half the sky." We could say, by extension, that the feminine in each of us is as valuable a contribution to our society as is the masculine. It is time to bring this truth into being.

To order The Courage Code or to learn more about The Courage Project, visit www.courageproject.com or contact author Megan Raphael at megan@courageproject.com.

Patience - or When Will This Long Winter Be Over!

It is the end of March in New England. The calendar tells us that we have officially been in Spring for ten days now. But are we? It sure doesn't feel like it, with periodic days of snow/sleet/rain and temperatures in the 20's and 30's, brought down to the teens with the wind chill factor. When WILL Spring really arrive? And after that, Summer - my favorite time of year? We've had the Lion; now where's the Lamb?!

I have been feeling like a kid waiting for a birthday that never seems to come. Oh, the anticipation - the party, the friends, the fun, the presents, the cake! Days seemed to pass to excruciatingly slowly, back in those days. And even today, when I am looking forward to some special event, the days sometimes still seem to inch along, snail-like. [Of course, I no longer am impatient for birthdays to arrive, but that's another story!]

But lately, I've been looking at this a whole new way, thanks to - among other things - some study in Buddhism, the works of Eckhart Tolle, and a chance comment from a friend.

Let's start with the friend, who put it this way: "Without winter, there can be no summer. How would we ever know or appreciate the joys of summer without having gone through winter first?"

How indeed! Life is full of contrasts, which together help us know and explore the whole range of what it means to be human: winter-summer, hot-cold, day-night, good-evil, war-peace, rich-poor, young-old, sound-silence, male-female, together-alone, fat-thin, happy-sad, love-hate (actually, it's love-indifference, but that, too, is another story). How can any one of these things exist, without it's opposite?

So, what does all this have to do with Patience?

It all has to do with recognizing these things:

(1)Everything we experience in life has value. Every moment of every day can teach us something, if we are open to the lessons.

(2)Life is short, and precious. Why waste a moment of it pining for what has been or longing for what has not yet been and may never be?

(3)Most of life is illusion. Only the present moment is real. Past and future are just thoughts in our heads. Memories (often faulty), ideas, beliefs, imaginings, fantasies - none of these are real. Ram Das summed it up in a nutshell: Be here now! Eckhart Tolle expands on this theme so eloquently in his books The Power of Now and A New Earth.

(4)Change is inevitable. That is the very nature of Life. As they say about the New England weather, "If you don't like the weather, just wait a moment; it will change. And if you do like the weather, it will still change." So it is with all of life.

Patience is that quality that allows us to slow down, to pay attention to what is before us in the present moment, to enjoy each tiny step of our Grand Journey through life. Patience is knowing and accepting that change is inevitable, that every moment is precious, and whether painful or joyful, every event, every season of our lives, brings with it special gifts - much better and more lasting than any birthday gift could ever be.

So, be patient. Your next gift is as close as the next moment! Perhaps it is even right here, right now! [Click "right now" for a special meditative moment.]

Designing Your Life - Taking Stock

January is an ideal time to begin the process of re-vamping or redesigning your life. When you are in, or approaching, a transition period in your life, where do you begin to redesign your life?

Well, think about it for a moment. If you decided to make a new recipe that you had never made before, what would you do? You have the recipe in front of you. You recognize some ingredients and some directions, perhaps, and are unfamiliar perhaps with others. So, the first thing you might do is to check your cupboards, pantry, and refrigerator to see which ingredients you already have and then you make a list of the items you will need to purchase.

The very first step is checking to see what you already have. In the Designing Your Life process, I call this Taking Stock. In this first phase, you take a good and thorough look at yourself and your life, and you identify all the things you bring to the table thus far. Whether you are in your teens or in your golden years, or anywhere in between, this is a critical first step in re-inventing your self or creating the life of your dreams. Here are some of the "ingredients" you might check out:

- Life experience
- Work experience
- Roles you play in your life
- Skills, talents
- Aptitudes
- Personal characteristics, strengths & weaknesses
- Interests, passions
- Personality type
- Values
- Life purpose

Our Designing Your Life program and the accompanying Designing Your Life workbook provide a structured way of taking stock of all the qualities and experiences that contribute to who you are today and support you in bringing them forward into the next phase of your life, while at the same time identifying new skills, talents, and so forth that you wish to develop. The program contains exercises and tools for exploring each of these "ingredients" and more.

You can also do this without the structure and support of a program, coach, group, or book (though support is a very valuable part of the process for most people). Here are some tips for making the most of your personal Taking Stock process:

1. Purchase a spiral notebook or large blank journal that will be devoted exclusively to this Designing Your Life process.

2. Set aside some segments of quiet, uninterrupted time in which to do your stock-taking. Create a contemplative mood for yourself, perhaps by walking first or meditating or breathing quietly or listening to soothing music.

3. Consider each of the points on the list above, and take time to address each one separately and thoroughly. For some aspects (such as skills, characteristics, interests, values), you can make lists. Others may require other tools or approaches (free-writing, resume reviews, specialized assessments, etc.). Plan to do these exercises in small sessions, one or two aspects at a time, over a period of days or weeks.

4. For the lists you have, identify the top ten in each area and then rank-order them in order of importance to you. This is especially important in the area of your Values.

5. Create a summary page that pulls together all that you have learned about yourself, including all of your Top Ten lists.

When you have completed the Taking Stock phase of this process, it will be time for the Visioning phase - an exploration of the future life, career, or business you wish to create. In the next blog, we will take a look at that phase.

Meanwhile, if you find that you could use some coaching support in your Taking Stock process, please contact me. I am committed to your success and well-being!