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OK, I admit it: I am a Free Cell devotee. Once I get started, I can play it for hours. I know I have compatriots out there. I have heard their sheepish confessions.
For those few who have not heard of Free Cell, I will explain. Free Cell is a computerized version of solitaire. This game is one of four that comes already loaded as a freebie on Microsoft operating systems. I have been playing Free Cell since 2003.
It's been challenging to justify the time I spend playing Free Cell. Mostly, I play when I need a break from all the work I do on my computer. I play for fun, for the challenge, for a change of pace, to combat boredom, to counter frustration or upset, to kill time while waiting for something else to happen. Occasionally I play to clear my mind - an almost meditative experience. Today was one of those days.
From the time I first began playing Free Cell five years ago to now, my ratio of winning:losing has increased enormously. When I first started playing, I rarely won a game. Now, I rarely lose. Today I began to think about why that is so and about how much I have learned while playing Free Cell. For the fun of it, I jotted down some of the things I have learned by playing this game. Then came the big AHA! - the moment when I saw the parallels between winning at the game of Free Cell and winning at the game of Life!
And now - to justify my habit - I am passing on these insights to you: 25 life lessons I learned from playing Free Cell:
1. The deal of the cards in a hand is random. There is no particular reason why you got a good hand or a bad hand. [For that matter, there is no such thing as a "good" or "bad" hand. A hand is just a hand. It is what it is.]
2. Play the hand you are dealt.
3. You win some and you lose some.
4. The trick is to win more than you lose.
5. Whether you win or lose has a lot to do with the choices you make. Most hands can be won if you play your cards right.
6. But not always. Occasionally, you are dealt a hand that cannot be won, no matter how you play it. As soon as you realize it cannot be won, let it go and move on to the next hand.
7. Winning on a consistent basis seems to come more easily if you start out by winning the first game.
8. Sometimes you start out with a winning hand, and sometimes you don't.
9. If you play long enough, you will start winning.
10. Once you start winning, keep playing and soon you will find yourself on a winning streak. The more you win, the more you keep winning. [This I have observed empirically over time.]
11. Losing streaks work the same way.
12. When you experience yourself as a Winner enough times, you begin to believe you are a Winner.
13. When you begin to believe you are a Winner, you do, in fact, become a Winner. [Why is this so? My theory: you first believe you are a winner, then begin to think and act like a winner - more strategically and with confidence. You get bolder. You try new moves. You are open to new options. You explore new possibilities. You risk more. You trust your intuition more.]
14. Being a Winner doesn't mean that you win every game. It means that you win more games than you lose - often, many more games. It also means that you keep playing, even (or especially) when you've just lost.
15. When a Winner sees that s/he does not have a winning hand, s/he quickly folds and plays a new hand.
16. Winning sometimes involves sacrificing a short term gain for the possibility of a long term win.
17. Winning involves learning from your mistakes.
18. When you lose a hand, replay it and try a different approach. If that doesn't work, replay the hand once more. When you've tried all the variations you can think of, and you're still not winning, move on to a new game.
19. Sometimes the obvious move is not the best move. (And sometimes, it is.)
20. Winning is not about getting it perfect; winning is about getting it done in a timely way.
21. Winning involves several things, some of which may seem contradictory - for example, using both logic and intuition to arrive at the winning hand.
22. Winners are not afraid of losing a game. Why? Because they KNOW they will win again in the future.
23. Playing Free Cell (or any game - real, virtual, or psychological) can become addictive. If you cannot stop playing when you know you should, it's time to quit playing the game altogether. If you cannot quit, get help! See a coach or a therapist, join a 12-step program, or remove the game from your computer (or your life).
24. Playing games can be fun and relaxing. But they are not Life.
25. Walking away from a game - whether winning or losing - can be challenging. Walking away when it is time to stop IS Winning - at the game of Life!
Friday, December 05, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Loss, Gratitude, and the Phone Company
Think about all the things we take for granted. Sometimes it takes a loss to help us appreciate what we have.
Tuesday morning I picked up my phone to make a call and the line was dead. No dial tone. Nothing. Nada. I tried every extension in the house. [There are three.] Same story.
I went searching for my cell phone, which I don't use very often. It was buried in my purse. I used it to call the phone company to report the problem.
I dialed the number provided for reporting technical problems. The phone was answered by an automated voice - female, pleasant, courteous, robotic. I tried to get through to a live person, but couldn't. This was partly due, I suspect, to the fact that Tuesday was a national holiday (Veterans Day) and there was probably only a skeleton staff of "live people" there. The auto-voice told me that service would be scheduled for Thursday, sometime between 8am and 6pm - at least 48 hours away! [Now, I have learned this trick, which I am passing on to you: When they provide a pause during which you are supposed so say a word like "yes" or "no" or a number, say "Agent". That should get you transfered to a Customer Service representative.]
When, after three tries, I finally reached a "live agent" on Wednesday morning, I put in a plea: Could you please come today rather than tomorrow? I have a business to run. I need to be available to my clients, as well as to family and friends.
No go. But I did get a morning appointment for today (Thursday). And at 10:15 this morning, I got a call from a repairman saying that the problem had been fixed. A wire in a cable a few blocks away had broken and was now repaired. [An auto-voice called me later in the day to report the same thing.]
I was immediately relieved and joyful and flooded with gratitude. It occurred to me then that there are so many things in life that we have and take for granted - phone service, electricity, computers, access to email and the internet, material goods, family, friends, lovers, spouses, pets, health, housing, food, democracy, military protection, social security, medicare, pensions, paid benefits, sunrises and full moons ... ah, I could go on and on here.
Sometimes it helps to lose something or someone we take for granted. We get to see how fortunate and blessed we are (or were) to have had them in our lives. Right now, I feeling very grateful for phone service - and for everything else on that list above!
Tuesday morning I picked up my phone to make a call and the line was dead. No dial tone. Nothing. Nada. I tried every extension in the house. [There are three.] Same story.
I went searching for my cell phone, which I don't use very often. It was buried in my purse. I used it to call the phone company to report the problem.
I dialed the number provided for reporting technical problems. The phone was answered by an automated voice - female, pleasant, courteous, robotic. I tried to get through to a live person, but couldn't. This was partly due, I suspect, to the fact that Tuesday was a national holiday (Veterans Day) and there was probably only a skeleton staff of "live people" there. The auto-voice told me that service would be scheduled for Thursday, sometime between 8am and 6pm - at least 48 hours away! [Now, I have learned this trick, which I am passing on to you: When they provide a pause during which you are supposed so say a word like "yes" or "no" or a number, say "Agent". That should get you transfered to a Customer Service representative.]
When, after three tries, I finally reached a "live agent" on Wednesday morning, I put in a plea: Could you please come today rather than tomorrow? I have a business to run. I need to be available to my clients, as well as to family and friends.
No go. But I did get a morning appointment for today (Thursday). And at 10:15 this morning, I got a call from a repairman saying that the problem had been fixed. A wire in a cable a few blocks away had broken and was now repaired. [An auto-voice called me later in the day to report the same thing.]
I was immediately relieved and joyful and flooded with gratitude. It occurred to me then that there are so many things in life that we have and take for granted - phone service, electricity, computers, access to email and the internet, material goods, family, friends, lovers, spouses, pets, health, housing, food, democracy, military protection, social security, medicare, pensions, paid benefits, sunrises and full moons ... ah, I could go on and on here.
Sometimes it helps to lose something or someone we take for granted. We get to see how fortunate and blessed we are (or were) to have had them in our lives. Right now, I feeling very grateful for phone service - and for everything else on that list above!
Monday, October 20, 2008
Emotional Transitions: Loss and Grief
My Designing Your Life work is all about coaching people through transitions and change. With the recent transition from summer into fall, I have been witnessing a lot of change, and with it the emotional upheavals that come with that change. Loss seems to be a big theme this fall.
In this year's transition from summer to fall, the winds of change came blowing through with gale force, impacting not only my life and the lives of my family, friends, clients, and colleagues, but also the lives of most people in this country and around the globe. Wars, political campaigns, weather challenges, and, most of all, economic upheavals of major proportions have shaken the very foundations of our assumptions about how life "should" be. Many people have been forced to re-evaluate their lives in various ways. And some have been forced into transitions or changes, not always desired or of their own choosing.
My friend Judy observed yesterday that this year's transition from summer into fall seems to have evoked a lot of sadness - more than usual, it seemed to her. I have noticed the same thing, not only in others around me, but also within myself.
Just within my own small circle, there is much loss and sadness - an in-law observing the first anniversary of her husband's death, a new friend still grieving the recent loss of his wife to cancer, a colleague reluctantly closing her business, a client upset over the loss of her job, a friend facing possible breast cancer, a relative hospitalized with depression. And, as for me, I find myself grieving the loss of a very special friendship - not through death, thank goodness, but through what may be inadequately described here as "irreconcilable differences".
Through these events, I have been reminded once again that loss is a natural and inevitable part of the cycle of life. And when we lose someone or something dear to us, or important to us in some way, we need to grieve that loss. And I am reminded of the ground-breaking work of Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and her description of the grief process outlined in her classic book On Death and Dying.
Kubler-Ross broke down the grieving process into the five stages listed below. Within each of the stages, there are nuances, variations, and sub-topics to consider. Not everyone who grieves goes through these five stages - at all, or in this order. For some, the whole cycle is very short (a matter of minutes or days); for others, the cycle can last a much longer time (months, years, most of a lifetime, perhaps). They are:
1. Denial - If a loss is sudden and unexpected, the very first stage can be shock. This includes a physiological response in which the body reacts strongly. Fainting or a kind of emotional numbness are two examples of this response. This is followed by denial - an inability to accept the loss, despite the evidence.
2. Anger - When the shock wears off, the next response could be sadness and tears. But often, it is not. Anger is commonly the next major response. Anger at anything from another person to onesself to more and more external causes - the boss who downsized you, the driver of the car that hit your loved one, the doctor who couldn't cure an illness, the friend who observed your spouse being unfaithful, but didn't say anything - or at something as intangible as fate, destiny, or God. Anger is a healthy, useful, natural part of grieving. It is important to honor that, and express it. And it is also most important not to get stuck there. One can forfeit way too much of one's life staying stuck in anger.
3. Bargaining - This is the phase where, still in denial, one tries to stave off the inevitable. This might be called the "if only" stage, as in "If only I were to do this [whatever "this" is], I might not lose that [whatever "that" is]. One might, for example, explore other job opportunities within your company with the HR representative who has just fired you and is processing your termination. Or, you might try to shore up a crumbling relationship by offering to alter your thoughts, beliefs, or behaviors in order to make it work. Or you might ward off the diagnosis of a terminal illness by talking with other doctors and health professionals and trying every remedy you can think of. And while these bargaining measures do occasionally work, way more often they do not. And when they do not, the next stage sets in.
4. Depression - Depression can wear more than one face. It could be anger turned inward towards onesself, rather than at the world. [This is when getting in touch with your anger is especially important in the grieving process.] It is most often expressed as sadness, sometimes a very profound and long-lasting sadness. And tears are healing. Sadness, too, must be honored. One's energy can be low during this phase, and it is important to honor one's need for rest and nurturing. Sometimes the depression becomes so marked that the grieving person retreats from the world, and essentially shuts down emotionally. While this can be healthy for a short period of time, it becomes unhealthy when it goes on too long. At this point, the grieving person is unable to reach out for help, and the support of family, friends, and health professionals becomes so very important.
5. Acceptance - Sooner or later, one finally faces the loss head on and accepts it. This could take minutes, hours, days, or years. While there may still be moments of residual sadness, the predominant feelings become relief and a growing sense of peace. Once you have reached the stage of acceptance, it becomes much easier to move on and fully take up your life again.
Remember that loss and grieving are as natural to life as is the change of seasons. Remember, too, that as in all change, "this too shall pass". And there is also the wisdom of this observation: "When God closes a door, he/she opens another one somewhere else." When you face an important loss in your life, allow yourself to grieve. Understand the process and let yourself go with it - all the way to the final stage of acceptance.
Most of the time, the times of transition in our lives, in which the most important life changes and growth take place, not only involve loss but also gain. The deepest and most challenging changes in our lives are also the most life-changing - and almost always for the better. In his book, Illusions, author Richard Bach writes this:
In this year's transition from summer to fall, the winds of change came blowing through with gale force, impacting not only my life and the lives of my family, friends, clients, and colleagues, but also the lives of most people in this country and around the globe. Wars, political campaigns, weather challenges, and, most of all, economic upheavals of major proportions have shaken the very foundations of our assumptions about how life "should" be. Many people have been forced to re-evaluate their lives in various ways. And some have been forced into transitions or changes, not always desired or of their own choosing.
My friend Judy observed yesterday that this year's transition from summer into fall seems to have evoked a lot of sadness - more than usual, it seemed to her. I have noticed the same thing, not only in others around me, but also within myself.
Just within my own small circle, there is much loss and sadness - an in-law observing the first anniversary of her husband's death, a new friend still grieving the recent loss of his wife to cancer, a colleague reluctantly closing her business, a client upset over the loss of her job, a friend facing possible breast cancer, a relative hospitalized with depression. And, as for me, I find myself grieving the loss of a very special friendship - not through death, thank goodness, but through what may be inadequately described here as "irreconcilable differences".
Through these events, I have been reminded once again that loss is a natural and inevitable part of the cycle of life. And when we lose someone or something dear to us, or important to us in some way, we need to grieve that loss. And I am reminded of the ground-breaking work of Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and her description of the grief process outlined in her classic book On Death and Dying.
Kubler-Ross broke down the grieving process into the five stages listed below. Within each of the stages, there are nuances, variations, and sub-topics to consider. Not everyone who grieves goes through these five stages - at all, or in this order. For some, the whole cycle is very short (a matter of minutes or days); for others, the cycle can last a much longer time (months, years, most of a lifetime, perhaps). They are:
1. Denial - If a loss is sudden and unexpected, the very first stage can be shock. This includes a physiological response in which the body reacts strongly. Fainting or a kind of emotional numbness are two examples of this response. This is followed by denial - an inability to accept the loss, despite the evidence.
2. Anger - When the shock wears off, the next response could be sadness and tears. But often, it is not. Anger is commonly the next major response. Anger at anything from another person to onesself to more and more external causes - the boss who downsized you, the driver of the car that hit your loved one, the doctor who couldn't cure an illness, the friend who observed your spouse being unfaithful, but didn't say anything - or at something as intangible as fate, destiny, or God. Anger is a healthy, useful, natural part of grieving. It is important to honor that, and express it. And it is also most important not to get stuck there. One can forfeit way too much of one's life staying stuck in anger.
3. Bargaining - This is the phase where, still in denial, one tries to stave off the inevitable. This might be called the "if only" stage, as in "If only I were to do this [whatever "this" is], I might not lose that [whatever "that" is]. One might, for example, explore other job opportunities within your company with the HR representative who has just fired you and is processing your termination. Or, you might try to shore up a crumbling relationship by offering to alter your thoughts, beliefs, or behaviors in order to make it work. Or you might ward off the diagnosis of a terminal illness by talking with other doctors and health professionals and trying every remedy you can think of. And while these bargaining measures do occasionally work, way more often they do not. And when they do not, the next stage sets in.
4. Depression - Depression can wear more than one face. It could be anger turned inward towards onesself, rather than at the world. [This is when getting in touch with your anger is especially important in the grieving process.] It is most often expressed as sadness, sometimes a very profound and long-lasting sadness. And tears are healing. Sadness, too, must be honored. One's energy can be low during this phase, and it is important to honor one's need for rest and nurturing. Sometimes the depression becomes so marked that the grieving person retreats from the world, and essentially shuts down emotionally. While this can be healthy for a short period of time, it becomes unhealthy when it goes on too long. At this point, the grieving person is unable to reach out for help, and the support of family, friends, and health professionals becomes so very important.
5. Acceptance - Sooner or later, one finally faces the loss head on and accepts it. This could take minutes, hours, days, or years. While there may still be moments of residual sadness, the predominant feelings become relief and a growing sense of peace. Once you have reached the stage of acceptance, it becomes much easier to move on and fully take up your life again.
Remember that loss and grieving are as natural to life as is the change of seasons. Remember, too, that as in all change, "this too shall pass". And there is also the wisdom of this observation: "When God closes a door, he/she opens another one somewhere else." When you face an important loss in your life, allow yourself to grieve. Understand the process and let yourself go with it - all the way to the final stage of acceptance.
Most of the time, the times of transition in our lives, in which the most important life changes and growth take place, not only involve loss but also gain. The deepest and most challenging changes in our lives are also the most life-changing - and almost always for the better. In his book, Illusions, author Richard Bach writes this:
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world,
the master calls a butterfly.
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