Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Designing Your Life - When Things Fall Apart

There comes a time (or more than one) in each of our lives when something shifts or changes, and it's time to re-invent ourselves and re-design our lives. The process of change can be scary, and it can also be very exciting. Patterns that are known and familiar, whether they serve us or not, suddenly become disassembled and the pieces lie about in disarray.

Imagine a child's creation made with Lego pieces. Perhaps it is a fort or a castle, a truck or a robot. And suddenly that creation is pulled apart by a playmate or a sibling. There it is, in shambles, the colorful pieces in a heap, no longer in the familiar and recognizable form. There can be a sense of loss, of confusion, of uncertainty - especially if the change is unexpected and unwelcome. But there is also the opportunity to put these pieces back together in a different way, to create something new and even more exciting.

Usually, at the point that people come to me for coaching on re-designing their lives, something in their lives has been, or is about to be, dismantled. Perhaps they have just started or ended a relationship, have made a signifcant geographical move, have been downsized from a job, or have hit a major life milestone that requires choosing a new direction, such as graduation, marriage, the birth of the first child, the departure of the last child, or the approach of retirement. The familiar patterns of their lives have come apart and lie like Lego pieces all around the floor.

It does not matter if the changes are anticipated and desired ones or forced and painful ones. Either way, they can be stressful and confusing as well as tremendous opportunities for growth and re-creation. When a life comes apart, either in a small way or totally, the first step is to understand that change is happening and that it is natural to go through a grieving process for whatever is lost. This grieving process can take minutes, days, months, or years - depending upon the magnitude or desirability of the change - as we move through the phases of shock, denial, fear, anger, depression, sadness and, finally, acceptance. At the point of acceptance, it is time to re-group and re-build. Then, it is time to re-design your life.

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