Loss, Gratitude, and Moving On

I have been writing a lot about change, loss, and transitions lately. And this is no coincidence. And it is not just because I am a Life/Career Coach specializing in working with people in transition. It is also, and primarily, because the past year or so has been a time of deep and intense change, not only for me personally, but also for many, many people - in my family, in my circle of friends, in the lives of my clients and colleagues, and for the people living in this town, this state, this country, and all around the world.

Last week, the following quote came across my desk:

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

-Little Orphan Annie

This was the theme quote that Life Coach Cheryl Richardson cited in her Week 35 Newsletter, published August 24th. The theme of her newsletter is "Saying Goodbye: Learning to Let Go." It is well worth reading.

This quote instantly brought home to me the connection between loss and gratitude. When we let go of something or someone in our life (willingly or not), the depth of the loss or grief we experience is directly related to the depth of the positive connection we had with it. And in that connection, there were many gifts - benefits, joys, lessons, memories, pleasures - associated with it.

When we lose something that we have treasured, we go through many stages of grief. I have written about the grieving process in a previous Blog article, Emotional Transitions: Loss and Grief, published in 2008. The final stage in the grieving process is Acceptance. And one of the things that helps us into and through Acceptance, and beyond, is Gratitude. Because the truth is that the deeper the felt loss, the more gifts or blessings have come to us from that which was lost, and therefore the more we have to be grateful for.

The true healing after a loss comes when we can look beyond the sorrow or inconvenience of our loss and appreciate what we had.

Let's look at some examples:

This week, in the City of Gloucester, Massachusetts, where I now live, we have been dealing with a problem of water contamination. We have had to boil our water for over a week now, in order to make it safe for drinking, cooking, and washing dishes. What is the gift in this? Many of us have come to appreciate something we have long taken for granted: clean, safe drinking water and the people who work to keep it that way.

Also this week, in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, we have lost our senior Senator, Edward M. Kennedy, to his battle with brain cancer. This man, this "Lion of the Senate", has served his state and country in this capacity for 47 years. Regardless of one's party affiliation and political views, one cannot help but appreciate the tireless efforts of this man who sought to make life better for everyone living in this state and in our country. His loss is already deeply felt by those whose lives he touched directly. And, I suspect, his loss will also be felt, going forward, by many many others. A large and very public funeral, such as the one for Senator Kennedy, also provides many opportunities for the expression of gratitude - remembrances and acknowledgments of all that he gave to his family, friends, constituents and colleagues over a lifetime of service.

On a more personal level, I have written about my own life transitions in the past few months - the death of my ex-husband and oldest high school friend, the move from a town that I have lived in and loved for 25 years, the possible loss of a friendship that has been very special to me.

What helps me to deal with these losses is to become very conscious of the gifts I have received from knowing these people and this place. I think about what I have learned from each and about how each has enriched my life. I think about how lucky I am to have had these people and this place in my life. How much joy and pleasure and growth and learning has come my way because of them. How different my life would have been without them and what I would have missed. It reminds me of the old saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

This morning, the minister of our church talked about "The Grateful Disposition" or how cultivating or having an attitude of gratitude sets us up to be happier, more giving and generous people. She also talked about how noticing what we are grateful for tends to bring more of the same into our lives. Basically, though she did not use these words, she was describing the "Law of Attraction". What we think about is what we get. As we think about the the things we are grateful for, we draw more of those things into our lives.

So, for example, as I think about all that I love and appreciate about Rockport (the town I moved from) - beauty, nature, ocean, friends, community, the arts, spiritual connection, and more - I continue to draw those things into my life.

Each time we experience a loss - especially one that moves us deeply - we can understand, as Little Orphan Annie did in the opening quote, that if we are deeply feeling the loss of someone or something it is because we had a special connection with, or relationship to, it. If it was hard to lose, it must have been very good or special when we had it. And in the recognizing of this - in the counting of our blessings - comes the healing and the gifts that can never be taken from us. And with this, we can move on.

Loss, Gratitude, and the Phone Company

Think about all the things we take for granted. Sometimes it takes a loss to help us appreciate what we have.

Tuesday morning I picked up my phone to make a call and the line was dead. No dial tone. Nothing. Nada. I tried every extension in the house. [There are three.] Same story.

I went searching for my cell phone, which I don't use very often. It was buried in my purse. I used it to call the phone company to report the problem.

I dialed the number provided for reporting technical problems. The phone was answered by an automated voice - female, pleasant, courteous, robotic. I tried to get through to a live person, but couldn't. This was partly due, I suspect, to the fact that Tuesday was a national holiday (Veterans Day) and there was probably only a skeleton staff of "live people" there. The auto-voice told me that service would be scheduled for Thursday, sometime between 8am and 6pm - at least 48 hours away! [Now, I have learned this trick, which I am passing on to you: When they provide a pause during which you are supposed so say a word like "yes" or "no" or a number, say "Agent". That should get you transfered to a Customer Service representative.]

When, after three tries, I finally reached a "live agent" on Wednesday morning, I put in a plea: Could you please come today rather than tomorrow? I have a business to run. I need to be available to my clients, as well as to family and friends.

No go. But I did get a morning appointment for today (Thursday). And at 10:15 this morning, I got a call from a repairman saying that the problem had been fixed. A wire in a cable a few blocks away had broken and was now repaired. [An auto-voice called me later in the day to report the same thing.]

I was immediately relieved and joyful and flooded with gratitude. It occurred to me then that there are so many things in life that we have and take for granted - phone service, electricity, computers, access to email and the internet, material goods, family, friends, lovers, spouses, pets, health, housing, food, democracy, military protection, social security, medicare, pensions, paid benefits, sunrises and full moons ... ah, I could go on and on here.

Sometimes it helps to lose something or someone we take for granted. We get to see how fortunate and blessed we are (or were) to have had them in our lives. Right now, I feeling very grateful for phone service - and for everything else on that list above!

Gratitude and The New Year

As the old year passes into the new, why not take a moment to think about these questions:

- What am I thankful for in my current life - right now, this minute?
- What "gifts" did I receive in 2007 that I will be bringing with me into the New Year?
- What continuing or new "gifts" do I intend to be thankful for in 2008?

During the Christmas holiday, I discovered a beautiful song, Thankful, sung by Josh Groban on his CD titled Noel. What a beautiful expression of Gratitude this is! For a real treat, take a moment to click the link above and view the lyrics and listen to his song on YouTube.

Being thankful for what you already have is a pre-requisite for attracting and creating what you want in the future. This is why keeping a Gratitude Journal has always been a cornerstone of my Designing Your Life program.

Rhonda Byrne, author of the 2007 best-seller, The Secret, has also published a companion journal, The Secret Gratitude Book. In the Introduction to this journal, she writes:

To transform your life, you must find a way of being grateful for what you have now. As you focus on sincere gratitude for several minutes at a time, you will move your frequency to one of the most powerful frequencies there is, and all-good things will begin to appear in your life!

Focusing on Gratitude on a daily basis can take many forms, including:

- Keeping a Gratitude Journal and writing in it daily
- Saying your "gratitudes" as you might say your prayers, every morning as you awaken and every evening before falling asleep
- Include saying your "gratitudes" as you begin your meditation practice
- Expressing gratitude as a blessing before every meal
- Stopping at any moment, as you are moved to do so, to appreciate what is before you and to say "thank you"

I often find myself expressing gratitude through the opening lines of a poem titled I Thank You God by e.e. cummings:

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes...

What more powerful way could there be to usher in 2008 than to be thankful for all the blessings we bring with us into this brand new year!