Learning From Adversity - The Holidays

This year - 2009 - has been a tough year for many people. We all know that the worldwide economic recession has taken a toll on our lives in many ways. Some have lost jobs or businesses. Some have lost homes. Some have been mired in debt. Some have declared bankruptcy. Some have lost some or all of their retirement income. Some have lost opportunities to attend college or university. Many, or most, have had to tighten their financial belts in many ways, giving up luxuries, or some discretionary spending, or perhaps even some necessities like food, shelter, medications or medical treatment. Some marriages or other relationships have been strained to the breaking point. Stress has become a fact of life in many lives, and if not handled well, it has taken a toll on one's health and well-being.

There is a story that circulates in the speaking profession (and I apologize that I cannot remember exactly how it goes or the person to credit for this story) about a boy who had been begging his parents for a long time to buy him a pony, which he wanted more than anything else in the world. The parents repeatedly refused. (They could not afford one.) At the same time, they were constantly pressuring him to clean up his messy room, strewn with so many toys, clothes, and mouldy leftover food snacks that they were constantly repelled and frustrated. But the boy, too, resisted. So, one day, they took drastic measures and filled his room with horse manure, certain that this would force him to clean up his room. When he opened the door to his room, he immediately saw (and smelled) the mess. But instead of being repelled, as his parents expected, his face lit up with a smile, and he said with great excitement, "with all this manure on the floor, there must be a pony in here somewhere!"

This is what I hope we all come to somehow. That we come to understand that underneath all the challenges of this economic mess, there are gifts - valuable gifts, precious gifts - gifts that could change, for the better, the quality of our lives, now and in the future. And that optimism serves us better than pessimism. In the midst of all these challenges, we need to look for the pony. It IS around here somewhere!

For example, we have just come through the Christmas or Hannukah season - the holiday season that puts the biggest strain on our pocketbooks of any other time of year. It is the ultimate "material girl" (or "material boy") time of year. We are lured into spending money a dozen ways to Sunday: gifts, cards, wrappings, decorations, food, drink, new clothes, extra grooming and pampering, parties, travel, entertainments, feasts and festivals.

I have noticed, and I'm sure you have too, that people have scaled back this year. Fewer cards have been sent, and many traditional cards have been replaced by electronic greeting cards and holiday letters. There are fewer lights out there, and therefore less electricity has been used in this rather wasteful way. Fewer people are traveling, preferring to stay home in their smaller family groupings. Gifts, if given at all, have been scaled back - fewer and less expensive. Last year's holiday clothes are being worn again this year. Parties are simplified and perhaps more are of the potluck variety.

While I recognize that cutting back on consumerism could contribute to the downward economic spiral, I also recognize that we, in the USA, have evolved into such a materialistic culture that we have lost our way in many other ways. What we are learning here, in this tough economy, are some important lessons about principles and values.

What lesons have you learned this year?

Here are some things I have learned about these holiday times:

• Our values are coming into sharper focus. We are setting priorities, honoring those, and stripping away some or most of the less important things.
• Family and friends are more precious than anything. They are the true gift of this season (or of any time of year).
• And love is the most precious gift of all.
• The holiday season is filled with non-material pleasures, like singing holiday songs and listening to holiday music, walking in the snow and building snowmen, making a point of visiting with neighbors, friends, and family, being immersed in the spiritual meanings and lessons of the holiday season.
• It is good to shake up traditions - to let go of some things and make room for new ideas, customs, and experiences to enter one's life.
• Simple food shared with friends and loved ones is every bit as delicious and satisfying as sharing fancy gourmet food.
• Last year's (or the past many year's) decorations are enough and just fine.
• That one small gift, chosen thoughtfully and specifically for the recipient, and given with love and caring, is worth more, much more, than a pile of gifts hastily selected under duress and pressure.
• Cards and letters, if sent at all, can be sent at one's leisure, instead of being rushed and hurried. Perhaps they'll even arrive in January after all the hubbub is over and the recipient can truly savor them. And if received, they can be savored for the gifts they are and for the opportunity to connect and catch up with people's lives.
• That giving is pure pleasure, whether or not anything is received in return.
• That in eating and drinking less this year, our figures are in better shape. [I know mine is.]
• That in giving up many of the material and time-consuming demands of the holidays, our stress levels are down. We can actually relax and enjoy the holidays. Imagine that!

And most of all, I have learned that Christmas dreams - if they come from the heart - really can come true. Mine have, and I hope yours have too.

Belief Systems and Our Health

Our belief systems need to be challenged constantly. Much of the current "virtual reality" that we assume to be "real" or "true" is just pure fantasy. "Don't believe everything you hear or see" is never truer than in the world of advertising.

Today, I came across this article in the Franson Chiropractic Blog: That's Nuts!

The gist of this informative and entertaining article by Dr. Stephen Franson, which is a "must read", is that at a certain national donut chain there currently is displayed a picture of a donut under which are written the words "Warning Health Alert: Doughnut Contains Almonds."

For those of you who haven't already fallen on the floor laughing, Franson points out that the ONLY healthy ingredient in that donut IS the almonds. Yes, he says, some people do have nut allergies. But many, many, many more people are allergic to all the other ingredients in that donut - sugar, white flour, trans fats, etc. [We break out in fat! - my contribution to his article.]

Where was the health expert when this advertising campaign was conceived?

Waiting

Lately, I've been thinking about the concept of "waiting". Waiting is one of the built-in aspects of being in a period of transition. We all go through transition periods at different times in our lives. Many of us are in transition right now.

What are we waiting for? Could be almost anything. Waiting for good news, waiting for bad news. Waiting for the economy to get better, for the stock market to go up, for the unemployment rate to go down, for the axe to fall on a job, for the outcome of a job interview, for school to start or end, for the next exam, for the results of a lab test, for the next date, for a proposal, for a special event or the next holiday, for a sale to go through, for a mortgage approval, for a baby to be born, for that check to arrive in the mail, for the weather to change, for your life to change in some wonderful way, small or large. Perhaps we are waiting for life to begin (literally or figuratively) or waiting for it to end. Waiting for nothing. Waiting for Godot.

Robert Grudin (author of Time and the Art of Living) is quoted as saying: In the landscape of time, there are few locations less comfortable than that of one who waits for some person or event to arrive at some unknown moment in the future.

Yes, waiting is often uncomfortable. Sometimes waiting creates happy, excited feelings, perhaps a sense of delicious anticipation. More often, it leads to more uncomfortable emotions: nervousness, anxiety, fear, sadness, impatience, frustration, or boredom. Yet it is these very feelings that eventually move us through a waiting period and into action.

I think of waiting as comparable to the chrysalis stage of the butterfly life cycle, the butterfly being a creature who has left the land of the known (the caterpillar stage) and is quietly going through a period of intense change and transformation (pupation) - a period in which the creature is quite fluid and formless and the end result is as yet unknown. What will emerge, we all know, will be a butterfly or moth. But the creature does not know this, and all it can do is wait.

Is waiting a passive event? No, not usually. Though change during a waiting period is often internal and not always obvious to the casual observer, it IS happening and often at an accelerated rate. Think of the cocoon of a butterfly again. When viewed from the outside, no change is apparent. But if you could see through to the inside, you would see that huge transformational changes are taking place. It is often that way for humans too.

Anna Nagle writes: But the most important thing about learning to wait, I feel sure, is to know what you are waiting for.

Ah, this can be a sticky point, yes? Sometimes we do know exactly what we are waiting for: the next bus, train or plane, the doctor's appointment, our favorite TV show to come on, the baby to arrive. But other times, things are not so clear and we are not so sure. Perhaps we are waiting for our life to get better, but we don't know what that means. Or we're waiting for a better job opportunity, though we haven't figured out what we really want to do with our work lives. Or maybe we're waiting for Prince (or Princess) Charming to come riding up and sweep us off our feet, though we have no idea who we would want that person to be or what "happily ever after" might look like, if, in fact, it exists at all and we were lucky enough to live it.

Nagle has a point. A productive way to move through this waiting time is to get as clear as we can about what it is we are waiting for. We may not get exactly what we are wanting, but we will have a better shot at it. And sometimes, the thing we think we want is not really what we want, and what we ultimately get is often better than anything we could have imagined.

So, how might we use this waiting period to get clearer? We might be in the waiting room of a doctor's office and read a magazine article that speaks eloquently to some change we are making. We might be between jobs and take that opportunity to re-assess our values, priorities, skills, and interests and then choose a new career path. We might be approaching a life stage transition - perhaps graduation or empty nest or the approach of retirement - and use that time to research options and perhaps re-invent ourselves and create a new lifestyle or career direction.

Another opportunity within a waiting period is to take the time not only for inner reflection and change but also for cleaning up the external unfinished business in your life - the clutter, the undone projects, the completion of unresolved relationships, the overdue items on your mental or actual To Do lists.

And yet another way to move through the waiting period is to do things that prepare you for whatever it is that is there for you at the end of the waiting period. The Wayside Pulpit at a local church currently displays this quote: When those who fish cannot go to sea, they mend nets. [Book of Runes, adapted].

So, mend your nets - get the room ready for your expected baby, learn new computer skills for the job you're hoping to get, buy a new outfit for the next eHarmony date, practice your songs while you wait for the recital date, read up on your field, take off that extra weight, eat nutritious food, get more exercise, sleep well, write in your journal, meditate.

The waiting periods of our life are inevitable and necessary. They are periods of rest, renewal, regrouping, time-outs, introspection, completion, creativity, re-invention, and transformation. They are not wasted times. On the contrary, they are often times that provide great growth - sometimes quantum transformational leaps. (Remember the butterfly!)

One day, the waiting will be over - this time around, anyway. What will be the outcome? Will it be what we expected or not? Will it be what we wanted and hoped for, or what we dreaded and feared? Will it be an ending or a beginning? Or both? We cannot know until the time comes. Nothing serves us better during these waiting times than patience, trust and a positive outlook - an inner confidence or "knowing" that all will hapen at the right time and will turn out for the best.

One thing seems certain: there are two things that will tip the scales in favor of getting what we are waiting and hoping for: gratitude and receptivity - gratitude for what we have learned or gained during the waiting period as well as for whatever it is that comes to us, and the openness of heart, mind, and spirit that invites the best possible outcomes.

Sarah Ben Breathnach writes, Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.

Whatever you are waiting for, may it bless your life and bring you peace.

Loss, Gratitude, and Moving On

I have been writing a lot about change, loss, and transitions lately. And this is no coincidence. And it is not just because I am a Life/Career Coach specializing in working with people in transition. It is also, and primarily, because the past year or so has been a time of deep and intense change, not only for me personally, but also for many, many people - in my family, in my circle of friends, in the lives of my clients and colleagues, and for the people living in this town, this state, this country, and all around the world.

Last week, the following quote came across my desk:

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

-Little Orphan Annie

This was the theme quote that Life Coach Cheryl Richardson cited in her Week 35 Newsletter, published August 24th. The theme of her newsletter is "Saying Goodbye: Learning to Let Go." It is well worth reading.

This quote instantly brought home to me the connection between loss and gratitude. When we let go of something or someone in our life (willingly or not), the depth of the loss or grief we experience is directly related to the depth of the positive connection we had with it. And in that connection, there were many gifts - benefits, joys, lessons, memories, pleasures - associated with it.

When we lose something that we have treasured, we go through many stages of grief. I have written about the grieving process in a previous Blog article, Emotional Transitions: Loss and Grief, published in 2008. The final stage in the grieving process is Acceptance. And one of the things that helps us into and through Acceptance, and beyond, is Gratitude. Because the truth is that the deeper the felt loss, the more gifts or blessings have come to us from that which was lost, and therefore the more we have to be grateful for.

The true healing after a loss comes when we can look beyond the sorrow or inconvenience of our loss and appreciate what we had.

Let's look at some examples:

This week, in the City of Gloucester, Massachusetts, where I now live, we have been dealing with a problem of water contamination. We have had to boil our water for over a week now, in order to make it safe for drinking, cooking, and washing dishes. What is the gift in this? Many of us have come to appreciate something we have long taken for granted: clean, safe drinking water and the people who work to keep it that way.

Also this week, in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, we have lost our senior Senator, Edward M. Kennedy, to his battle with brain cancer. This man, this "Lion of the Senate", has served his state and country in this capacity for 47 years. Regardless of one's party affiliation and political views, one cannot help but appreciate the tireless efforts of this man who sought to make life better for everyone living in this state and in our country. His loss is already deeply felt by those whose lives he touched directly. And, I suspect, his loss will also be felt, going forward, by many many others. A large and very public funeral, such as the one for Senator Kennedy, also provides many opportunities for the expression of gratitude - remembrances and acknowledgments of all that he gave to his family, friends, constituents and colleagues over a lifetime of service.

On a more personal level, I have written about my own life transitions in the past few months - the death of my ex-husband and oldest high school friend, the move from a town that I have lived in and loved for 25 years, the possible loss of a friendship that has been very special to me.

What helps me to deal with these losses is to become very conscious of the gifts I have received from knowing these people and this place. I think about what I have learned from each and about how each has enriched my life. I think about how lucky I am to have had these people and this place in my life. How much joy and pleasure and growth and learning has come my way because of them. How different my life would have been without them and what I would have missed. It reminds me of the old saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

This morning, the minister of our church talked about "The Grateful Disposition" or how cultivating or having an attitude of gratitude sets us up to be happier, more giving and generous people. She also talked about how noticing what we are grateful for tends to bring more of the same into our lives. Basically, though she did not use these words, she was describing the "Law of Attraction". What we think about is what we get. As we think about the the things we are grateful for, we draw more of those things into our lives.

So, for example, as I think about all that I love and appreciate about Rockport (the town I moved from) - beauty, nature, ocean, friends, community, the arts, spiritual connection, and more - I continue to draw those things into my life.

Each time we experience a loss - especially one that moves us deeply - we can understand, as Little Orphan Annie did in the opening quote, that if we are deeply feeling the loss of someone or something it is because we had a special connection with, or relationship to, it. If it was hard to lose, it must have been very good or special when we had it. And in the recognizing of this - in the counting of our blessings - comes the healing and the gifts that can never be taken from us. And with this, we can move on.

Moving Through Transitions

In my life/work coaching practice, I work extensively with people in transition - life transitions, career transitions, and business transitions. The change points in our lives - whether personal or professional - are the times that offer the biggest possibilities for transformational growth. During these times, we are called upon to dig deep within ourselves to resolve old issues and prepare ourselves for new challenges and opportunities. This is where the "juice" is!

It is as if the LEGOs of our lives, which had been put together in a structure of a certain type, have now been taken apart and lie scattered on the floor, waiting for us to put them together again. We have choices. We can rebuild our lives exactly as they were before. [This rarely happens.] Or, we can reconstruct or reinvent our lives in new ways.

In that in-between space, when we sit on the floor staring at the scattered pieces, no longer formed in the old way and not yet formed in the new way, we encounter a mixed bag of emotions and experiences - chaos, uncertainty, the unknown, fear, loss, sadness, ennui, possibility, opportunity, creativity, imagination, excitement.

What happens when a "Transitions Coach" encounters her own life/work transitions? I can tell you some things about that. About two and a half months ago, I came upon a day which became a "perfect storm" of transitions - a "hat trick" of change. In other words, in one day in May - May 12th to be exact - big changes happened in three key areas of my life: I went through a personal bankruptcy hearing. I learned that I would have to move from my much-enjoyed apartment in Rockport due to a condo conversion, and I was given a month to do it. And a friendship with someone who was very dear to me came to an end. [Each of these events was independent of each other.] Many of the LEGO pieces of my life came apart and lay scattered before me, though fragments remained - my family, my health, and my business were still more or less intact.

What happened during that time? Well, grief, for one thing. All the stages of grief that Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross described in her epic book, On Death and Dying, came at me thick and fast - shock, denial, bargaining, fear, anger, depression, sadness, and, finally, acceptance. Is all of this behind me now? No, some sadness still remains. Maybe still a touch of anger now and then. But mostly, there is acceptance.

One professional and personal gift for me in this group of transitions is the gift of empathy. I have recently "been there" and now I have increased my capacity for empathy and compassion for my clients, friends, and family. I know at an experiential level what they are going through. I know the two sides of the transition coin; they are called Fear and Excitement. Or, they could be called Loss and Possibility.

I am still in the midst of a passage between two shores. I have left the familiar shores of home and friendship and have barely touched the shore of home on the other side, let alone new relationships and new opportunities. I have much yet to discover. I have reached the "New World" and it is full of possibility and opportunity. What awaits me here I do not know, but I am open to discovering it.

Another gift of this "perfect storm" was the much-needed forced opportunity to clear my life of both physical and emotional clutter. There is a lot of benefit to be derived from discarding "stuff" that no longer serves us. [I have written about this before in my series on the Letting-Go Experiments.]. And in these past two months or so, I have let go of lots and lots of excess stuff in my life - clothes, magazines, books, household items, tax records from the 90's, and office papers - lots and lots of papers. This "stuff" was choking my life - and my business (which has been improving since the move).

And on the emotional front, these losses also helped me to revisit and heal older losses and older grief triggered by these new events. I had the opportunity to clean both my physical house and my emotional house. And I got to thinking that perhaps most or many of us need to move - or make other significant changes in at least one area of our lives - every few years, in order to clear out the clutter – the "stuff" that no longer serves us.

Another metaphor I frequently use for this transition time and space is the metamorphosis of a caterpillar into a butterfly. It is in the in-between place - in the chrysalis, in the pupating phase - where transformational change takes place. In this phase, the major work is happening inside the cocoon, where no one looking on from the outside can see it. But one day the transformation is complete - the butterfly emerges from its cocoon, gets its feet under it, flaps its wings, and flies. And things are never again what they were. There is no turning back. It happens to caterpillars and it can happen to humans too.

So, what do we do, then, in this "New World" - the world of butterflies?

We keep our eyes open. We remain curious and receptive. We take it a day at a time. We live in the now. We say "thank you" for landing on our feet. We approach each day with appreciation, gratitude, and wonder. We are hopeful. We expand our horizons. We anticipate wonderful surprises.

And we play with the LEGOs of our life. We use our creativity, our imagination, our thoughtful minds to rebuild our lives, to reinvent ourselves once again.

We ask ourselves this question, first posed by Mary Oliver in her poem, "The Summer Day": Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

I plan to be open to Life's surprises, to want what I have, whatever that is, and to be happy.

What will Your answer be?

Fear and Its Many Faces

What IS Fear?

We all know that fear is an emotion - one of the most basic and primal of emotions. And we know that this emotion comes as a response to a stimulus of some kind and creates a group of physiological responses in our body that stimulates a series of physical responses to occur. Now, let us take a deeper look.

Here is how Wikipedia defines/describes fear:

"Fear is an emotional response to threats and danger. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of pain.... Fear should be distinguished from the related emotional state of anxiety, which typically occurs without any external threat.... People develop specific fears as a result of learning.... Although fear is learned, the capacity to fear is part of human nature."

And from How Stuff Works:

"Fear is a chain reaction in the brain that starts with a stressful stimulus and ends with the release of chemicals that cause a racing heart, fast breathing and energized muscles, among other things, also known as the fight-or-flight response. The stimulus could be a spider, a knife at your throat, an auditorium full of people waiting for you to speak, or the sudden thud of your front door against the door frame."

Fear Specialist, Motivational Speaker, and Trainer Brian Germain refines this further:

"In its most fundamental essence, fear is a defense mechanism. It is a set of preconditioned psychological and physiological responses, intended to help us survive dangerous circumstances. From increased heart rate to an empowering of muscle responses, we are transformed into a turbo-charged version of ourselves that is desperately trying to stay alive….When the big alarm goes off in our heads, we are left with three general categories of response: Fight, Flight, or Freeze."

Fear comes in many forms from mild discomfort to the most severe of phobias. And fear has many faces and many names: alarm, apprehension, agitation, anxiety, aversion, cold feet, discomfort, disquietude, dread, foreboding, fright, horror, misgiving, nightmare, panic, phobia, presentiment, qualm, scare, suspicion, timidity, terror, trepidation, uneasiness, worry - to name only a few.

Nature gave humans this emotion of fear, and the physiological responses we have to it, to help alert us to, and successfully handle, life-threatening situations. Fear is intended to protect us from extreme pain, severe injury, and death. And in this, fear is a gift. It helps us to detect and deal with physically painful or life-threatening events. It helps us to survive as individuals and as a species.

Nature also gave humans something that other animals do not have - the ability to remember past events, and to imagine and anticipate future events. This gift has proved to be a mixed blessing. It has enabled us not only to detect real threats to our safety, but also to create false threats.

The acronym FEAR has been known to stand for...

F - False
E - Experiences (or Expectations)
A - Appearing
R - Real

But what is False and what is Real? Let's take the example of the fear of snakes. People have learned over centuries of conditioning that some species of snakes (but not most) have a venomous bite that can result in pain, paralysis, or even death. So, when is a fear of snakes healthy and useful and when is it not?

Let's say that you are walking down a trail and you suddenly come face to face with a rattlesnake coiled, ready to strike, and within striking distance. Is your fear response rational and real? You bet! But let's say that you encounter this same coiled rattlesnake ready to strike, but it is on the other side of a glass partition in a zoo. Is a fear response in this situation rational and real or irrational and false? Well, clearly, the snake in this situation cannot harm you. So, the fear is irrational. It is our mind that has created this false fear because it has juxtaposed an imagined outcome over the real one. It has, in fact, created a False Expectation Appearing Real.

So, we know that Fear is a defense mechanism that protects us from imminent danger. The question is, how do we distinguish real danger from false danger?

The term "clear and present danger" tells us a lot. Danger is something we encounter in the moment it occurs. It lives in the present, not in the past or the future. If we are mugged in an alley and someone holds a gun to our head while stealing our wallet, that is a clear and present danger, in the Now. That is real. If we walk down that same alley a few months later, shaking with fear though no mugger appears, that is a false danger, because nothing dangerous is occurring in the Now. That fear is generated by our minds imposing an image or experience from the past over a present experience and creating an imaginary future. It is not real.

The problem with responding to false dangers as if they are real is this: the physiological responses generated by fear, in all its many forms, can create real wear and tear on our bodies. It creates stress, which in turn affects the health of our various organs and of our immune system. Not every unknown or undesirable situation we face warrants this physiological fear response.

Another problem with triggering a fear response to false dangers is more emotional and psychological. Fear boxes us in. It traps us in an over-protected life where safety becomes more important than joy or love or living a life that maximizes our full potential.

Let's extrapolate this information into our current situation. Take the economy, for example. Clearly, things are not going as well as they could. Some people are losing jobs, or houses, or cars, or other material things. But is everyone? No. Is this the same thing as losing one's life or a limb? No. It's a temporary downturn that will require many of us to downsize, make do with less, make compromises, and, on the upside, become more adaptable, creative, and flexible. Much of the current recession has actually been caused by the media, generating in most people a false fear based on layering the past (the depression of the 1930's) over the current situation and generating an imaginary future that is not real, though the panic caused by that imaginary future has made the situation much worse than it otherwise might be.

How about the swine flu? As of today, the state of Massachusetts has identified two confirmed cases. And both of these young boys are recovering just fine. Does this warrant the closing of schools, public transportation, and public gatherings of all sorts? Does it warrant admonitions to people to refrain from touching each other? As of this writing, there have been 176 deaths from swine flu in Mexico and one in the United States (a 22-month-old Mexican infant in Texas who was in poor health to begin with). Did you know that in the USA in 2008, 36,000 people died from the regular flu (according to the Los Angeles Times). There was no "state of fear" engendered by this regular seasonal flu. Up against this statistic, is the spreading fear and panic generated by the swine flu outbreak really justified, or is it yet another example of False Expectations Appearing Real?

And how about all the lesser fears that stunt our growth and opportunities. What about people who never have fulfilling relationships because of "false fears" such as the fear of commitment, rejection or intimacy? What about people who never go for the job or business they want because of fear of inadequacy or failure? What about all the artists, writers, and other creative types who never allow their work to be seen by others because of the fear of criticism or rejection? Are any of these fears "clear and present dangers" to life or limb? No. Yet, look at how they rule our lives.

It is time to make fear our friend - to distinguish between genuine danger and imagined danger, to value and respect the rational fear that protects life and limb and let go of the irrational fears that hold us back and unnecessarily limit us from being the joyful, loving, successful, fully expressed people we were meant to be.

As Don Miguel Ruiz has noted: "Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive -- the risk to be alive and express who we really are."

On Fear - Some Resources

I am researching the subject of Fear for my April e-newsletter, to be published in the next few days. Already I have found some very interesting Web sites and articles on the subject, and here are a few of my picks:

1. Fear - from Wikipedia

2. How Fear Works by Julia Layton. Published on How Stuff Works.

3. 5 Life-Changing Keys to Overcoming Your Fear by Henrik Edberg, first published in Wealth & Money, February 22, 2007. Re-published on the Positivity Blog.

4. Dealing With Fear (a Buddhist perspective) - from www.dealingwithfear.org.

5. Transcending Fear - Web site of Fear Specialist and Keynote Speaker, Brian Germain

Some of my questions: What IS Fear, really? When is it useful and when is it not? How do we distinguish between the two? And how do we deal with Fear when it is not useful so that we can live a happy and fully actualized life?

If you have thoughts or comments about this topic, please share them.

Job Search Series: A Job Search is Entrepreneurial

If you are, or ever have been, self-employed, you will instantly recognize the truth in this statement: A job search is entrepreneurial.

If you are not, and never have been, self-employed and you are currently involved in a job search - or expect be be soon - then this is your opportunity to experience the world of the self-employed and see how it fits for you.

How is the job search comparable to entrepreneurship? Here are the top three ways:

1. Visualization. An entrepreneur is a Visionary. He/she must pull together a long-term vision and plan in order to define what is wanted and how it will be achieved. A job seeker must do the same. The first step in a job search is to decide what type of job you are seeking - to identify a field, or fields, of interest, experience, or expertise; to determine the geographical area for the search; and identify the company - or type of company - you wish to work for.

2. Organization. An entrepreneur organizes and manages his/her time and tasks. A job seeker must do the same. There is no boss structuring the hours for the job seeker. You are the boss. And a rule of thumb is that you need to put in as many hours finding a job as you would in working that job. Job-hunting is really a 40+ hour/week job. You need to structure your work, put your schedule into a calendar or day-timer. Block out time for these various tasks: research, resume writing, informational interviewing (part of the research process, networking, applying, and job interviewing. Keep the same hours for job-hunting as you kept in your job (unless you've been working nights or weekends. You really need the traditional workweek hours for the job search.).

3. Multi-tasking. An entrepreneur wears many hats in his/her business, especially in the start-up phase. Self-employed workers, especially solo entrepreneurs, do everything in their businesses, though they may hire consultants with particular expertise from time to time. Job seekers, too, do it all, though they might sub-contract expert help from others, such as job coaches, recruiters, resume writers, placement agencies, and the like. A job-seeker is involved in administrative tasks, research, marketing and promotion, selling, bookkeeping, financial management, and other related tasks.

What does a job search require of a job-seeker? The same skills and qualities required of an entrepreneur: discipline, focus, vision, clarity, organization, project management, time management, productivity, multi-tasking.

A job search can become much more efficient, productive, and satisfying when you view yourself as a self-employed solo entrepreneur and view your business as marketing yourself and landing a job!

Good luck!!!

Job Search Series: Resumes - Part Two

In today's tight job market, resumes are more important than ever. Here are six TIPS to help you prepare the most effective resume possible.

A caveat: There are some specialized resumes for which some of these tips might not be appropriate, such as an academic resume (c.v.) or an executive resume.

1. Begin by preparing a Master Resume which lists ALL your skills and talents, all the jobs you've ever held, all of your academic credentials, professional affiliations, volunteer experience, travel, languages spoken, relevant hobbies, etc. However, this resume will probably run at least 2-3 pages and should NOT be posted or used in application for a job. It is your starting point, not your finished product.

2. Customize, customize, customize! The days of the one-size-fits-all resume are over! Match your resume to the specific job you are applying for. An easy way to do this is to make a copy of your Master Resume and then remove everything that does not apply to this job.

3. Keep your resume to one page. If you must spill over to two pages, make the resume double-sided. But understand this: the most important information must be in the top half of the first page. If you haven't caught the reader's attention by then, your resume will probably be tossed.

4. As was mentioned in Part One of the series on Resumes, the language used on your resume needs to match the language used in the job posting (to the extent that you can while being truthful). Many resumes are now scanned by a machine that is programmed to look for certain keywords. This is especially true of resumes going to recruiters, agencies, and large companies. If too many of those keywords are missing, the resume will be sorted into the "No" pile. Even human resume readers scan quickly in that way. If a resume doesn't catch the attention of a human reader in the first 5 seconds, it will probably be set aside or tossed immediately.

5. Begin your resume with an Ojective. The Objective should be specific to the job you are applaying for. For example, if you were applying for an Office Manager position that you found on CraigsList, your Objective would read as follows:

OBJECTIVE: Office Manager, CraigList posting # 1354276.

6: After the Objective, put a Summary. Here, in no more than 3-5 lines, you will list the skills and experience that you have that match the job description you are applying for. Be sure to use the same words and phrases used in the ad or job posting. [Caveat: Match what you can, but never lie!]

The information contained in the Objective and the Summary need to be specific to the job you are applying for. This section of the resume is the most important and it acts as a gatekeeper for the rest. The Yes-No-Maybe decision is made using the information in the top half of the first page of your resume. [Again, avoid having a second page, if possible. The information there will not be given much importance anyway, and may not even be read.]

Next subject: What is the difference between a functional and a chronological resume? Look for this topic in Part Three of this series on Resumes - coming soon.

Job Search Series: Resumes - Part One

What IS the purpose of a resume?

• Is it to get you a job? No.
• Is it to give a potential employer a complete picture of everything you've done or could do? No.
• Is it to impress the reader with your creativity, your fancy format, or your multiple and diverse talents? No.

The purpose of a resume is to get you an interview. And you've got about 30 seconds tops to hook the reader enough to consider inviting you in for an interview.

And what will get you the interview? A match between what they are looking for and what you have to offer.

And guess what: the reader of your resume may not even be a live human being!

If you are applying to a large company or to a recruiter or to an agency, your reader might be an electronic scanner. And what that scanner is looking for is certain key words that it has been programmed to look for. If it finds enough of the key words, your resume goes into the "maybe" pile. If it doesn't, your resume may go into the circular file.

And even if your resume is being scanned - or read carefully - by a human scanner, it has to contain enough of those key words in order to get into the "maybe" category.

And what are those magic key words? Read on. [If you think I'm going to provide a list here, you will be disappointed.]

So, what's the key to writing a good resume? Two things: paying attention and customization.

Paying attention: Carefully read the description of the job you are applying for. Compare that job description with your skills, experience, and job requirements. If there is at least an 80% match between the two, go ahead and send your resume and cover letter. If there is not, don't waste their time or yours.

And watch out for their "must haves". If they "must" have someone who can work weekends, and you cannot or don't want to, then don't bother applying. If they "must" have someone who is an expert at QuickBooks Pro, and you are not, don't bother applying. And don't bother trying to convince someone that you are "flexible" or a "quick learner" in these situations. Match, or move on. [This is rather like the 7-minute speed dating process that has become popular lately, only in this case - and probably in speed dating too - you only really have about 30 seconds.]

Customization: Before you send that resume and cover letter, tailor them to the job you are applying for. This might seem like a "no-brainer", but you would be amazed at how many people send out, or post, standard, non-customized, resumes in application for jobs they (a) don't understand, (b) don't really want, or (c) aren't even remotely qualified for.

Make sure that everything that the company is looking for is reflected in your resume somewhere (and emphasized, and perhaps expanded, in your cover letter too). And make sure that the language matches. If your potential employer is looking for someone who is "mature and dependable", and you are, then say so using those exact words. "Grown up and reliable" will not do. Why? Because if a machine is scanning your resume, and it has not been programmed to recognize that "mature" and "grown up" or "dependable" and "reliable" are synonyms, your resume will not pass muster.

Unless you are applying for a highly creative job, such as Graphic Designer, creativity is not the key to preparing a resume. But customization is.

The days of using a one-size-fits-all resume are over!

But - never, ever, lie on a resume! If you don't have what the company is looking for, don't say that you do! If it's a minor thing, then perhaps don't mention it at all. If it's a major thing, express your willingness to learn or accommodate (but don't be disappointed if they don't invite you in for an interview).

A successful resume (and remember, "successful" means that it gets you an interview or at least a second look) will quickly show the reader that you have the skills, qualities, experience, job requirements, and enthusiasm to qualify for the position they are trying to fill. Particularly in this job market, where there is more supply than demand, an employer is usually looking for a person who already knows how to do the job they are advertising for. They will have their pick, and, in most cases, will not be interested in training someone to do the posted job.

Unfortunately, this is not the best job market for career changers. Most employers will be looking for people who are already qualified and experienced at doing the job they are hiring for. If you must change fields, get some coaching or counseling to get you going in the right direction, and then plan on getting the training and skills you will need to work in that field.

In Part Two of this series on resumes, I will provide some more detailed tips for preparing a customized resume. Stay tuned!

Click here to read more on cover letters.

Valentine's Day is NOT Just for Lovers

Valentine's Day is a special day set aside for the celebration of Love. And what better purpose could there be for a celebration!

But there is a catch!

In our country, especially, Valentine's Day is hyped as a day to celebrate romantic love, and to do that in ways that "stimulate the economy" - which is to say that the media pushes us to spend, spend, spend on this holiday, as on most others - as if the buying and giving of greeting cards, flowers, chocolates, sexy underwear, and fancy evenings out on the town were the only - or best - ways to show love to a special someone. But are they, really?

On Oprah's show on Wednesday, February 11, Oprah and her guest, relationship expert M. Gary Neuman, discussed his research and book, The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What To Do About It. The hour's discussion revealed this very human fact: Most of the time, when men (or women) cheat on their spouse or romantic partner, it is because they are feeling ignored, unappreciated, or overly criticized by their partner. Cheating, says Neuman, is not about finding a sexier or more attractive partner; it is simply about being with someone who treats you in ways that make you feel appreciated and special.

Bottom line: Creating a happy, loving, fulfilling relationship is not about fancy gifts and dates, nor is it about being the sexiest man or woman on the planet; it's about saying "thank you" or "how thoughtful of you" or "wow, what a nice thing to say (or do)" - every day!

Appreciating others is a practice that extends beyond our spouses and romantic partners. It is - or needs to be - the one thing that greases the squeaky wheel of ALL relationships.

And in the "No-one-could-say-it-better" category, let me direct your attention to this article - Love the One You're With: The Real Meaning of Valentine's Day - written by my friend and colleague Linda Varone, a Feng Shui Consultant, and published in her February e-newsletter, Nurturing Spaces.

Here are some excerpts from Linda's article, reprinted by permission:

"For those of you who have a spouse, partner or lover your most important gift is your undivided attention."

"For those of us who are not in a relationship - by choice or by happenstance - now is the time to look around and consciously recognize those people in your life who give you love in its many forms...."

"Celebrate yourself. You are worthy of love."

To read the whole article, click here. And while you're at it, also subscribe to Linda's free monthly e-newsletter, full of articles about how to create nurturing spaces in your life.

Let us expand our vision of how to celebrate Love on this special day. Let us expand our expressions of love for our our romantic partners to meaningful, personalized expressions of appreciation on a daily basis. And let us also include more than our romantic partners in this day of celebration. Let's open our arms and our hearts to our families, our friends, our colleagues, our neighbors, our acquaintances, and perhaps even - whoa, what a radical thought - to ourselves!

Happy Valentine's Day - on February 14th and on every other day of the year!

Job Search Series: Cover Letters

In the job search process, the cover letter often plays a crucial role. Following are some of the key functions of the cover letter:

- Introduces you and your resume to the reader/interviewer.

- States upfront which position you are applying for. [Very important. Larger companies are often filling more than one position at any one time.]

- States how you heard about the position. [Especially helpful if you were referred or recommended by a current employee or other known person, or if you are responding to a job listing or to a posted position on their site, on another site such as Monster.com, or comes through a specific agency or recruiter.]

- Highlights some of the key ways in which your skills and experience fit the job description.

- Indicates in some way that you have done your research about this company, position, and field.

- Indicates the level of your interest in this position. [Genuine enthusiasm and a curiosity to learn more about the company and the position are always a plus. The key word here is "genuine".]

- Gives the reader an impression about the level of your professionalism. [Clues: quality of paper used, letterhead design, writing skills - grammar, spelling, composition, organization of content, editing, proofreading]

Earlier in January, Connie was interviewed by a writer at Pongo Resume for an article published January 6, 2009 - 7 Experts Offer Their No. 1 Cover Letter Tip - by Team Pongo. If you are involved in the job search process, be sure to check out this article, and the many other job search blog articles published by Pongo several times a week.

Greeting the New Year

Happy New Year, Dear Readers!

This would be a wonderful time to thank you for visiting our blog at any time since our launch in January of 2006 and to wish you every happiness and success in this new year of 2009.

Every year is a year of change, transition, and possibility - but perhaps this year more so than many. Though economic times may be tough and challenging for some, and though as a country and as a global population we still face challenges of many types, a new year always brings with it hope and the possibility of change for the better.

And in this country, and around the world, part of that hope will be brought to the fore with the inauguration of president-elect Barack Obama at noon on January 20th. In Mr. Obama, we have a leader who is extremely intelligent, thoughtful, perceptive, wise, inclusive, and far-seeing. His leadership already inspires hope and confidence.

To this mix, let us add two other words: patience and perseverance. Let us be patient as President Obama perseveres in finding solutions to our many dilemmas and challenges. Let us be both patient and persevering in pursuing our own goals and dreams and in solving our own dilemmas. And let each one of us be the change we hope to see around us.