Goal-Free Living: A Book Review & More

Goal-Free Living - what does that mean? Does it mean that we abandon all goals and just float through life like a leaf on a river, going wherever the current takes us?

This is the question I asked my colleague, Steve Shapiro, about a year ago upon the publication of his book, Goal-Free Living: How to Have the Life You Want NOW! (Stephen M. Shapiro, John Wiley & Sons, 2006). At the time, I was holding the autographed copy in my hands, but had not yet even read the dust jacket. When I got home, I looked it over quickly and then put it aside to read when I had time. Recently, I finally made that time and read the book cover-to-cover. And then I could not wait to tell my readers and clients about it.

As a Life/Work Coach, one of the things I do with clients is to work with them on setting realistic, achievable goals, then creating an Action Plan to accomplish those goals, and finally actually taking the actions needed to accomplish those goals. I approached this book wondering, Was this book proposing that people should live their lives without any goals? Or hinting that as a coach I should stop teaching goal-setting and action-planning techniques and strategies?

As it turns out, the answer is a qualified "No". Goal-Free Living is not about letting go of all goals. It's about having some goals but not being driven by them, not being "Goal-Focused" all the time. Goal-Free Living is about living in, and responding to, the moment, being fully engaged with the here and now, being tuned in to the opportunities that are constantly presenting themselves to us, if only we are open to receiving them.

In the author's own words, "Goal-Free Living is about listening to your gut, trusting that you are moving in the right direction, a direction that has meaning for you. You take risks and try new things. You play full out. Everything you do fits with your purpose."

Ah, here's the nub: knowing your purpose. Without knowing your purpose, or having some vision of a possible future, we would indeed drift.

And in addition to knowing your purpose, I would add, knowing yourself - your skills, talents, strengths, interests, personality style, cognitive style, values, dreams, wishes, aspirations and especially your overarching life purpose. And to this mix, I would also add identifying your passion - that thing, or things, that ignite(s) your energy, imagination, and drive - and letting these factors guide your journey through life.

Use a compass, not a map. This, Shapiro writes, is the first of his eight secrets for living a goal-free life. I interpret this secret, or guideline, to mean using your purpose, passion, and self-knowledge as Aspirations (Shapiro's term) or Mega-Goals (my term) - goals that set the tone or theme of your life. These become the Compass. A Map, in this context, would be a set of specific and detailed goals leading ultimately to fulfilling your purpose and vision in a specific, predetermined way.

For example, suppose your overriding life purpose was "to make a difference". This purpose would become the Compass of your life. And in all you do, making a difference would be the aspiration or mega-goal. Let's suppose, then, that you developed a very specific vision of how you would lead your life in response to that purpose. Perhaps you set a course for a career in health or politics or social justice, for example. And then, you created an action plan that led to to fulfilling that vision - a plan that perhaps contained very specific and focused action steps for reaching that goal. The Action Plan would become the Map.

The Goal-Focused approach would be to follow that Map with much intention, which would lead to achieving your very specific vision. The Goal-Free approach, on the other hand, would be to hold "making a difference" as your aspiration, or mega-goal, and then live your life in the present moment with your ear to the ground, open to all the possibilities you might encounter that would result in making a difference. This approach leaves you open to many more possibilities in terms of expressing and living your purpose, but also can create distraction, lack of focus, and confusion.

The way I look at it, there is value in each approach, and some people are more suited to one approach than the other. The Goal-Focused approach is a more logical, rational, analytical, step-by-step approach to creating a life. It is more suited to people who are primarily "left-brained" in their cognitive or personality style. The Goal-Free approach is a more creative, intuitive, multi-layered approach, and is more suited to those who are primarily "right-brained" in their cognitive or personality style. And, then, there is always the possibility of blending the two styles, or moving back and forth between them as the situation requires.

The author of Goal-Free Living shares eight secrets for living a Goal-Free life. So far, we have explored only one. What are the other seven secrets? Perhaps we will explore these in a future blog. Meanwhile, feel free to contact author Stephen Shapiro for the answer to that question or to order the book online through Amazon.com.

Meanwhile, what is your Compass? Your overriding life and/or work purpose? How might you use your purpose, your passion, and your unique gifts and talents as your compass in a goal-free life and change (improve) the quality of your life?

Plan To Be Surprised

Last evening I saw a delightful movie - the newly released Dan in Real Life. Dan Burns (superbly played by Steve Carell) is a widower and the father of three girls, ages 8 to 17. He is also the writer of a "Dear Dan" - type newspaper column in which he dispenses advice on relationships and family life - advice he doesn't always heed himself. I'll forgo discussing the storyline so that you might have the pleasure of seeing it unfold for yourself. But this, I'll share. In this movie, there are some wonderful one-liners, and one that stood out for me was the very last line of the movie: Plan to be surprised.

As a Career/Life Coach, some of my work with clients is around planning. It's often about identifying your ideal life and/or career, then setting goals and designing a plan of action, and finally taking actions that will lead you to your goal(s). This is equivalent to setting a destination in sailing and then plotting a course for how you will get there, depending upon the wind direction, the chart of the waters, the tides and weather, and any other known obstacles or considerations. Or it's like choosing a travel destination for a vacation and then mapping out all the sights you plan to see while there or en route.

But as most boaters or travelers know, "stuff happens". The "best laid plans of mice and men" do go astray sometimes. What happens when Life throws you a curve? When something unexpected comes your way? And I'm not just talking about unpleasant surprises here, but also about pleasant surprises - wonderful surprises - surprises beyond, or different from, your wildest dreams. What then?

Take vacations, for example. Sometimes the best things that happen are the unplanned ones. Another movie comes to mind: Under the Tuscan Sun. If you have seen the movie or read the book, you know that Frances, the heroine, takes a tour of Tuscany, at the urging of her friends, in order to get over a painful divorce. But during a planned tour stop in a small village, Frances sees a flyer about a house for sale. She impulsively checks it out and her whole life changes - in good ways - in ways she couldn't have imagined when she began the tour or even when she bought the house.

I believe in visioning, goal-setting, and planning. I also believe in flexibility and in being open to the new possibilities that are presented to us at unexpected moments in life. In sailing, you must have a destination and must plot a course in order to have a direction and gain some momentum. However, as a sailor, you also know that any number of events could arise to throw you off course, and you need to be prepared for that. Sometimes you end up at a more desirable destination. Sometimes you're shipwrecked. Sometimes you're just stalled in the water for a while until you choose a new course.

So, for me, the approach I choose to take to Life and to coaching is paradoxical. My approach is to dream, to set goals, to plan, to follow your bliss and at the same time to pay attention, to live fully in the moment, and to allow your bliss to take you in unexpected directions. In other words: Plan to be surprised.

Don't Wait. Carpe Diem!

Carpe Diem. Latin for "seize the day".

This is written especially for the procrastinators out there (me included).

Three recent events in my life have converged like a perfect storm to bring home to me the importance living life full out in every moment, hitting all the high spots, and not letting the important stuff slide.

The first event was attending portions of a Buddhist retreat that was held down the street from me in my home town of Rockport, Massachusetts this past August. Though I did not attend the whole retreat, and did not experience this firsthand, I did hear that the teacher, Lama Marut, led participants in a long guided meditation on death. The purpose of doing this meditation, as I understand it, is to face and finally accept the inevitability of one's own death so that one can release the fear and begin to really live - fully and in every moment. One of the things you realize through doing this meditation is that death could come at any moment, ready or not, whether we are young, old, or in between. The purpose of this death meditation is, ultimately, to end suffering and to bring happiness to yourself and to others. [This description is a vast oversimplification, but it will have to do for now.]

The second event was hearing the description of a trip to France, recently undertaken by two friends, John and Jo Leal. They spent most of their three-week trip in the countryside near the village of Turenne, but spent the last two and a half days in Paris. This got me thinking about what happens when we take a trip to an unfamiliar location, especially to a destination hot spot like Paris. What happens when we try to see, do, experience everything in such a short space of time? We have a long list, perhaps, of what we want to see and do - tourist spots, scenic beauty, fine dining, couture clothing, eating croissants in a cafe, practicing our French, immersing ourselves in the culture; the list could go on and on. In a situation like this, most of us go for it full out. We pack it all in. We extract every drop we can from every moment. As my friend Betty would say, we "live juicy".

I put this together with the lesson of the death meditation and thought, why can't we live every day as if we only had two days in Paris? There is something about the way we throw ourselves into life when we are traveling, especially to unfamiliar and exotic foreign destinations, that brings us into the present moment, heightens our awareness and our appreciation of our surroundings, and enables us to let go, experience life fully, and "live juicy".

The third event happened just a week ago. A beloved family member died unexpectedly when he was hit by a van while walking his dog. This event brought it all home. We don't know when or how the end will come. Sometimes, as the TV ad says, life (or death) comes at you fast. As I sat in the service, I thought about Dick and about other people who have exited my life, via death or in other ways, before I had the chance to learn who they really were or to say all the things I would like to have said. I procrastinated. I thought there would be plenty of time. I waited too long.

Today, I decided to do the following things: (1) To make a list of all the people still living with whom I had unfinished business or had not communicated with in a timely way and to contact them as soon as possible. (2) To make a "Life List" - something I often suggest for my coaching clients but had not yet done for myself - a list of all the things, large and small, that I would like to do before I die. And then, to start doing them, with intention and passion.

As to item #1, I have already phoned and talked with two people on my unfinished business list; I still have several to go. It felt good to reach out and take that step.

Today, I began thinking more like a Buddhist. What if today were the last day of my life? What would be the most important thing I could do with my time today? What things would I absolutely not want to leave unfinished? Perhaps it wouldn't matter if my house wasn't clean or my office wasn't organized or I hadn't completed every business task I'd set out for myself or even if all my "papers" were in order. Perhaps what would be most important might be taking an early morning walk and saying hello to the ocean, or expressing the gratitude I feel to be living in such a beautiful spot on this earth, or phoning to wish a friend bon voyage on an upcoming trip, or phoning to express appreciation for the generosity of an ex-husband, or apologizing to a friend whose feelings I had inadvertantly hurt, or telling my son and daughter-in-law and granddaughter (and other dear ones in my life) that I love them with all my heart, or writing something from the heart, like this piece, that might inspire or support another person.

So, here's my bottom line: Live like you only had two days to spend with your beloved in Paris or live like this was your last day on earth, but above all, "live juicy", finish your unfinished business, DO IT (whatever "it" is) NOW, and Carpe Diem!