Wanting What You Have

Are you someone who is happy with what you have? Or are you someone who is easily bored with what you have and is always wanting more?

I am a movie buff, and often I find valuable life lessons embedded in the movies. Take, for example, the 1994 film Love Affair - a remake of the classic film, An Affair to Remember. There is a line in this movie that blew me away at the time, and I have remembered it all these years.

In this film, wise and elderly great-aunt Ginny (played by screen legend Katherine Hepburn) to Warren Beatty's character Mike Gambril has a quiet moment with her great-nephew's latest love interest, Terry McKay, played by Annette Bening. As the two women talk about life and the life paths each has taken, great-aunt Ginny turns to Terry, and says, "You know, my dear, happiness lies not in having what we want, but in wanting what we have."

What a profound piece of advice for us all in this culture and in these times of rapid change - wanting what we already have, as opposed to constantly wanting what we don't have!

Think of this concept as it applies to both material things and to relationships:

First, material things: We in the United States live in an affluent and prosperous culture, even in this temporary economic slump. We are a culture driven by consumerism and by material and economic greed. We are pummeled by advertising that constantly promotes the newest and latest product and encourages us to throw away that "old" whatever - car, vacuum cleaner, mop, shampoo, TV, computer, phone, etc. - and replace it with the newest, hottest version (which is only new or hot for a very short time before something newer or hotter comes on the market).

We are now approaching a crisis of excess, in our own country and across the globe. Global population is expanding exponentially, and along with this, a demand for more and more "stuff". At the same time, our resources are dwindling. The current shortage of gas and other fossil fuel products is only one example. It is only a matter of a short time - a few decades, perhaps - before the size of the population world-wide will outstrip the available resources. What then?

If ever there were a time to cultivate an attitude of gratitude for all that we have, combined with a desire to live simply and to care for the possessions we do have so that they last as long as possible, this is that time!

And, as for relationships - which was the topic of this movie scene - we have also been living in a throw-away society in which we are taught to always be looking for the next best person to replace our current model. We seem to have lost the ability in relationships, as with things, to want what we have.

"Wanting what we have" means appreciating, respecting, valuing, prizing, nurturing, and maintaining what we have, and repairing what is broken whenever possible - whether we are speaking of the relationships in our lives or our material possessions. It means remembering why we brought them into our lives in the first place. It means putting in the time, care, and attention it takes to grow, maintain, or preserve what you have. It means focusing on what's working, rather than what's not working. And it means, in the words of that old Johnny Mercer song,

You've got to accentuate the positive,
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative, and
Don't mess with Mister In-Between.

Letting Go Experiment: Two Years Later

In June of 2006, I began my Letting Go Experiment - a personal project intended to last for one year. I was curious to see how my life might change if I released 365 "things" from my life - one per day for a year. Mostly, I released material things - household items, clothing, books, magazines, tapes and CD's, office supplies, unopened food packages. But here and there, I also released non-material items: habits, thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, and the like. At the end of the first 365 days, I reported on what I had done.

Then, I decided to extend the experiment. I continued to log everything I released from my life for another four months and again published the results in my blog, Letting Go Experiment: Month 16.

The last entry in my daily Letting-Go Log is dated October 31, 2007. But I find that letting go continues to be both a theme and a practice in my life, two years after I began in June of 2006.

In the months between November 1, 2007 and June 30, 2008, I released the following from my life: a few more household items, a couple more magazine subscriptions, a commercialized celebration of the December holidays, 30 additional pounds of body weight (a total of 45 altogether), an entire wardrobe of clothing, sizes 14 through 22 (I am now a 12), except for a few pieces that were altered, some unproductive eating habits, and some prescription medication. And that's not all.

More important than all of these "things", the most challenging and worthwhile things released from my life during this experiment were non-material - all were forms of thought originating in my mind: limiting beliefs, assumptions and interpretations, negative self-talk, fears, resentments, petty jealousies and other negative emotions, prejudices, unrealistic wants and expectations, unproductive habits and behaviors.

What have I learned from this experiment?

1. I have too much stuff! Yes, even after 2 years of releasing material stuff from my life, I still have more than I need, and my physical space is still more cluttered that I would like it to be. A life of material simplicity is still a goal. Imagine how our resources might expand, or be preserved, if we all had this goal!

2. Letting go of excess material stuff also seems to result in letting go of excess and non-productive non-material thoughts and behaviors as well. This is excellent incentive for continuing to let go of the material stuff.

3. Letting go of "stuff" makes room for new (and better) "stuff" to come into one's life. [Read "stuff" as anything of value: people, relationships, things, work, play, ideas, emotions, experiences, thoughts, habits, beliefs, etc.] [Yes, it really does seem to work this way!]

4. Letting go involves what Buddhists call "non attachment". And I have found non-attachment to be a very challenging concept to put into practice - and a subject to explore further in another blog entry.

So, what about you, dear reader? What about the internal and external clutter in YOUR life? If you released some of the non-productive "stuff" in your life - both material and non-material - what room might you create for something new and better to come into your life?

The Courage Code

How do YOU define Courage? Do you define it as taking great physical or financial risks or performing heroic deeds in the face of possible injury, death, or financial disaster? Do you see courage as facing the enemy in battle, chasing down and arresting a criminal, rock climbing, shooting rapids, exploring jungles, skydiving, bungee jumping, climbing Mt. Everest, or making a risky investment on Wall Street? This is our cultural view of courage today. This is the masculine expression of courage.

In The Courage Code, by authors Megan Raphael and Jennifer Byron, we are introduced to some new examples of courage - a new code of courage - born of the feminine and exemplified by the stories of 44 women of courage.

These are stories of women who found their voice, learned to speak up even if their opinion was not shared by others, learned how to say "Yes" and "No" from their own truth, were able to walk away from abusive situations and say "no more", made choices to change their lives in ways that risked disapproval or worse, stopped living to please others and starting living from their own authentic truth. These are everyday stories of taking risks on many levels - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, financial - risks that may not make headlines but in their own ways took enormous amounts of courage.

In the Introduction, the authors state, "We're also introducing 44 women who are, as you are everyday, living courageously. They are challenged everyday to create a life of meaning and authenticity. They have discovered the power of seemingly small choices that create mammoth shifts in their lives and in their worlds."

I can relate to this, as I think of some of the choices I have made and the risks I have taken. I have taken very few physical - or masculine-type - risks, though I did once go gliding in an unpowered sailplane, which is perhaps the biggest physical risk I have taken. I have taken financial risks, most notably by starting and running two different entrepreneurial businesses from an undercapitalized place. I have taken professional risks, such as learning to speak professionally before audiences of all sizes (and going from paralyzing fear to absolute confidence and joy in these situations).

But most of my risks in life have been relational and emotional ones: the first time I asked a boy out (perhaps the scariest thing I ever did, at least it felt that way at the time), the decision to end a marriage which was good in many ways but which was starving each of us emotionally, the courage to stand up to a "friend" who did something very unkind, the risk of saying "Yes" to an unfamiliar and scary proposition, the risk of saying "No" to something that was not in my best interests, and more recently, taking the risk of traveling 3000 miles to have a "third date" with an old high school friend whom I haven't seen in 48 years or taking the risk of losing a very rare and treasured friendship by being authentic and telling my truth.

Though this book is written for and about women, there is much richness here for men as well. We all have aspects of both the feminine and the masculine within us. Each of these aspects, blended together - in one person or in a whole society - create a synergy that is greater than the sum of its parts. We will all grow as individuals and as a culture when we learn to own, embrace, and express the full range of the masculine and feminine within us. The brands of courage exemplified in the stories in this book are part of the whole picture, part of our humanity and wholeness. We are not looking at an "either/or" situation here, but a "both/and".

Stories and acts of courage come in all sizes and shapes, and all are there to be acknowledged and honored. It is time for the feminine codes of courage to take their rightful place in the fabric of our society. It is time for a more gentle revolution from within to help inform our political decisions and social welfare. An ancient Chinese proverb states, "Women hold up half the sky." We could say, by extension, that the feminine in each of us is as valuable a contribution to our society as is the masculine. It is time to bring this truth into being.

To order The Courage Code or to learn more about The Courage Project, visit www.courageproject.com or contact author Megan Raphael at megan@courageproject.com.